I smelled sex on my husband

[TrustedthenBusted]

I haven't read asll replies but i am sure women can smell other womern. You just know. I would even be able to smell a cuddle on his shirt. But what you describe is unique to each woman and you just know it's not you.:

 

 

Yep. I remember one day my wife came home on an otherwise normal and my vision was just drawn to her lips. For some reason I thought..." she looks like she's been making out with someone."

 

Now, she could have just wiped her makeup off too hard, or just washed her face or just eaten something or whatever, as she didn't look very abnormal at all. But I still had the makeout thought. I had no reason so suspect anything, had never suspected anything before, and immediately put it out of my mind as nonsense.

 

2 months later I discovered the affair, and confirmed.

 

Weirdest thing. We just know.

[Vapors]

Ugh, my brain is obsessed with this iPhone. I can think of a million and one ways I could own his arse with that thing. All your proof is right freaking there.

 

Do you guys share an iTunes account (user/pass). Does he have an iPad? Do you have the passcode to the phone? Does he ever connect it to the computer?

 

I'd make short work of this jerk for you if I had the chance. I'd own that thing so quick he wouldn't know what hit him.

 

However, I still agree with the other posters who think you should be var-ing the house and leaving for appointments and what not. More than likely he'd slip up.

 

We do not share an iTunes account. I tried to get him to join my Apple "family group", which would have given me access to his GPS via find my iPhone, but he hemmed and hawed and kept putting it off and ignoring my invitations to the group, so finally I gave up. I do have the password to his phone, though he's been keeping it pretty close lately, so that doesn't help me much. Plus, I know he's been deleting texts between his ex and himself. He doesn't have an iPad, but he does have an iPod he rarely ever uses.

 

He returned from the trip last night. This time he went alone. I stayed calm and in control the whole time (with a little medical help, I'm sorry to admit). He called me from the hotel, but for "some reason" FaceTime wasn't working. He said the hotel was really nice, so I asked him to snap a few pictures of the place for me. He "forgot". I wonder if there's any way to check and see if he really did stay there? He paid cash for the room, so CC statements would be useless.

 

After he came home, we were laying in bed, and I mentioned that it made me feel uncomfortable and insecure that his ex was texting him. I didn't let on that I knew the amount of contact between them, just that I had seen a text from her pop up on his phone while we were in bed the other day. I told him I thought it was inappropriate for her to be texting a married man, and that his son was more than old enough to do all of the communicating himself. I also asked how often she texted him. His reply was "about once a week". I asked if he replied to her texts, and he said yes, but only to be polite. He said he didn't think it would bother me, and even said when they first started texting she asked him if his wife would mind them talking. His reply was "no, my wife isn't like that" - and the kicker is I WASN'T like that before all this happened. So then I asked if he would show me the texts between them. He got angry and said he wasn't going to play those games, and it was a matter of trust. I tried to explain that I needed him to sympathize, and give me some transparency to relieve my anxiety and feelings of jealousy. I told him he would be welcome to look in my phone, that I had nothing to hide. He became even more angry, and told me I was a "small person", then stormed out of the room. Again, I slept alone in my bed. This time I didn't cry.

 

In looking over the phone records, the couple days leading up to the day he came home with the odor on his penis were a veritable tornado of texts between the two of them. Then, that day there seven texts back and forth, stopping at 11:47 am (which is about the time he would've gotten to his friends house), then nothing for about two hours. One more outgoing text around 2 pm, then nothing until that evening when there is a short exchange of 8 messages. After I confronted him on the 25th, the texting died waaaay down. I can't see any information past July 30th, for some reason. Perhaps that's when the bill rolled over? I don't know if that means I'll have to wait until the next bill comes out to see the last few days' activity? I also noticed that they do not talk on the phone. It's all text messages. My husband HATES talking on the phone, so that doesn't surprise me. They could also be talking on Facebook, but since he never uses the laptop I doubt I'll be able to access his account.

 

I know to anyone reading this, or to anyone that I told the story to from beginning to end, it looks so incredibly obvious that the man is cheating, or has cheated at least once. However, I cannot show you through text on a computer screen how utterly convincing he is. His voice doesn't shake, he looks me straight in the eye. When he said she only texted him once a week, it could be possible that she did only text him once THIS week. I can't see those records yet. If I asked him about the hundreds of texts sent previously, he would say that they were just catching up, and he didn't think at the time it would bother me. He has promised he wil no longer communicate with her.

 

I also just found out that she is in a relationship, and has been for four years. Her boyfriend, unfortunately, lives in my town, so she obviously comes up here all the time. I better stop, this post is quickly becoming a novel. I just needed to get some of this weight off of my chest.

[CarrieT]

Oh, Vapors... I am so sorry for you.

 

This is the beginning of the end, I'm afraid. He will continue to stonewall and gaslight you.

 

Be strong in your conviction. We are here for you.

[beach]

He's not acting like an innocent man.

 

What has the VAR given you?

 

Can you tell if she was with him?

 

Even IF he paid cash - he should have a receipt - and you can ask for the bill for expenses/tax purposes.

[66Charger]

Find the boyfriend. If he lives in town. Double date. Get his number

 

Bingo

Edited August 7, 2015 by 66Charger

[BetrayedH]

I wonder if there's any way to check and see if he really did stay there? He paid cash for the room, so CC statements would be useless.

 

Quick story. When I did the first download of the GPS from my wife's car, I 'caught' her at a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposedly at work. I wanted a paper trail. So I went to the hotel, told the front desk that I'd stayed there with my wife on Thursday night, and asked for a duplicate receipt so I could expense it for business. They said yes. They asked for the name on the res. I provided it. They provided my wife's name and asked if that was the right one. I confirmed the name. They asked if she paid $200 cash. I said yes. They asked me for ID, which I provided (our last names match up after all). And they gave me a receipt.

 

Interestingly enough, the receipt noted that she had earned 200 "Star Points" for her visit. Thus, I realized she had a rewards account. I went home, got on my laptop, and guessed at her username and password for the hotel, got lucky, and found another dozen hotel stays over the last six months.

 

Mystery solved. Welcome to Dday.

 

All that said, if your man's girlfriend has a significant other, I suspect that he did stay at the hotel and that was their point of rendezvous. Then again, if the hotel doesn't have a reservation under his name, that might be one more piece of the puzzle.

 

Sorry for what you're going thru. It's crazy making. But you need to keep your wits about you. You've confronted/notified him again. What did that accomplish for you? Knock it off.

[beach]

Your husband isn't going to give you the info. He's only bound to get better at lying and making you feel crazy. There is no value in asking him anything further. It's your job to find out what is real and what isn't real. You need evidence.

 

You need to do better at finding out what is real.

 

It may be useful to invite her over for dinner. Watch their body language closely as well as what they talk about. Try to stay quiet so they fill the silence.

 

 

The hotel... You may be able to get a receipt faxed or emailed to you. Did he tell you what hotel he stayed in?

Edited August 7, 2015 by beach

[jen1447]

No need for anymore evidence - the phone records tell you all you need to know, in conjunction with the odor incident and what your own intuition's been telling you all along.

 

BSs often bargain on behalf of the WS based on a desire for the A to not be true. That manifests most often as applying a criminal conviction standard (beyond a reasonable doubt) or better (beyond any shadow of doubt) to sth that doesn't require such a rigid standard. You already know the truth.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Wow, just reading what you have written smacks of an A to me, and that's just what you put down on here. So you asked him how many times he had text her, and he said about once a week. You know this to be a LIE. Then, the way he got angry with you and said "I didn't think it would be an issue...it's a trust thing" well, yes, a trust thing, but he should have told you he was in contact, plus showed you the messages. But he hasn't, he's deleted them, that's why he said you could look on his phone. You have a very valid point in stating the son is old enough to contact on his own, he has no need at all to contact the ex. Then way he got out of bed and went to another room, Guilty or what. He couldn't think of what to say as you put him on the spot. Sorry Vapors, you already know the truth. IF you prove it, what are you going to do? What do you want to do? I would start looking at your options, find out where you stand, even if you don't want to D at least you know the score.

[eric1]

This will all be over with 8 minutes of work. Take his phone while he is sleeping and Dr Fone it.

 

Done.

 

All this worry and heartbreak and limbo will be GONE

[minimariah]

No need for anymore evidence - the phone records tell you all you need to know, in conjunction with the odor incident and what your own intuition's been telling you all along.

 

BSs often bargain on behalf of the WS based on a desire for the A to not be true. That manifests most often as applying a criminal conviction standard (beyond a reasonable doubt) or better (beyond any shadow of doubt) to sth that doesn't require such a rigid standard. You already know the truth.

 

^^

 

this. the WSs keep the BSs in the limb because they claim that there is no evidence of their cheating - mantaining the innocent role.

 

OP - sometimes, you don't need strong evidence. suspicions & the fact that your H ISN'T doing anything in his power to handle the situation in a healthy way, isn' being transparent & isn't putting you #1 speaks volumes. i cannot imagine my partner accusing me of cheating and me not doing absolutely everything in my power to work it out, talk it out and make sure the trust is back, to see WHY the trust has been questioned in the 1st place. your H did none of that, except gaslight + getting mad when you ask for some concrete transparency.

 

i'd walk away if i were you - the amount of gaslight is truly amazing.

[elaine567]

But you need to keep your wits about you. You've confronted/notified him again. What did that accomplish for you? Knock it off.

 

Exactly, I cringed there.

OP, you HAVE To be cleverer here.

HE is NOT going to just tell you the truth here.

STOP alerting him.

 

People in affairs are not stupid, most DO NOT want to be caught.

If their partner is suspicious, they will try and minimise the risks, they hide their tracks better and they take the whole thing underground so their spouse cannot find out what they are doing.

 

If she mentions, "Why are you always coming home late?" He fixes that, he sees the OW at lunchtime or he manages to get away at the week-end to see her or he arranges business trips away.

 

If the wife mentions "You are always on your phone", He starts using the laptop, he texts the OW when he is away from home, he spends ages in the bathroom, he starts a hobby in the garage, he starts jogging...

If he thinks she is snooping on his phone, he buys a duplicate laptop and a duplicate phone.

 

The OW doesn't want to be exposed either, so he has a partner in crime. She understands, she knows the codes, she learns when it is safe and when she needs to walk on by or to lie low.

 

All you did there by confronting him re the texts was to alert him.

Those who think they are getting away with it, get lazy and sloppy and make mistakes.

Those who think they are under scrutiny and suspicion, get cleverer and make it very difficult for anyone to catch them red handed.

 

Had BetrayedH's wife knew he was suspicious, she would not have left her car at her work, she would have had sex in random hotels and not used a rewards account. They may have had lunchtime/afternoon sex instead. She and her OM may have even rented an apartment for their liaisons.

BUT he stayed cool, he didn't alert her to the fact he knew she wasn't just working late.

 

He waited till he had real evidence. Real evidence that proved to himself there was no chance it was all in his head and there was a perfectly innocent explanation for her actions.

[elaine567]

BSs often bargain on behalf of the WS based on a desire for the A to not be true. That manifests most often as applying a criminal conviction standard (beyond a reasonable doubt) or better (beyond any shadow of doubt) to sth that doesn't require such a rigid standard.

 

Yes.

I have a feeling that is what the OP is doing here.

She is hoping against hope that this is just her imagination and given enough chances to prove himself, he will pass her tests.

He will go.

"There, there, everything is fine. I'll prove to you I am not cheating. Here are my text conversations. Let's go together and meet my long lost son and his mother, I have nothing to hide here", and she can go "Of course you're not cheating, darling, silly me."

 

BUT that is not what is happening here.

[anna121]

If you are to have any realistic chance of uncovering the truth, you CANNOT speak to him about ANY of this. Not the texting, the ex, his son.

 

Please.

 

If you can, try and appear exceptionally busy with other things. Maybe work?

 

The idea is to get him to believe that you have let it go.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I have a relatively short tolerance for games and I feel that playing them will only make one crazier as they're trying to outsmart somebody at their own game by doing things that may or may not be against your own personal code of conduct.

 

At this point, I think you have way more than enough to go to your husband, say "I think you're cheating on me, here's why and now it's your job to prove to me you aren't. Give me your hotel receipt and if you don't have it, tell me where you stayed so you can call them or I'll call them, let me see your phone, add me to the family share thing, and let's go to counseling. Things have been screwy, you're acting screwy, and I've got enough on you to make me suspicious and you're actively trying to make it seem like you're hiding something."

 

I feel like you've got enough and you're now venturing down that path where nothing short of you spotting him in bed with her will be enough to call off the search. And so far, where has all of this sneaking around by you to catch him gotten you? More depressed, more paranoid, and more insecure.

 

I also feel like part of the problem is that you really don't know what you want or what to do with this information, so you're seeking more proof and evidence in order to stall in confronting the issue... But every day you wait is another day this affair progresses, it'll be harder for him to leave if that's what you want him to do, it'll give them more time to plan how to continue the affair after you catch them, and it'll only improve his ability to hide it. So before you confront him, have an idea in your mind of what you want to do. Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to divorce? Have what you want laid out because I promise you, if he beats you to leaving or confessing then nobody will care what you want, and if you catch him in an irrefutable situation that you can't deny he's cheating then you won't have time to think rationally about what you want.

 

I mean, if you're at a point where you're weighing out if being able to talk to him about your concerns in a marriage ("I don't like that you text her so much") means that you're making it harder to catch him doing wrong, you're already pretty far down the rabbit hole. Cheating or not, your trust is shot, your communication is in he toilet, and you're now both actively lying to each other, directly or by omission. You're on the road to ruin even if he isn't cheating.

 

Every day you play this "keep quiet, gather information, find my proof" game is another day you're sharing a bed with a guy who's most likely cheating on you, a day your marriage further decays, a day you get further depressed, more crazy, more out-of-control, and a day that could have been spent recovering and moving on or repairing your marriage is gone. You're one day further away from being out the other side of this. At some point, you're going to have to confront this with him, unless you don't want to and would rather cruise along, which makes all the information gathering unnecessary.

 

Confront him now, save your sanity, and start making plans for your life with or without him. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids who for sure don't need another day in this limbo either. A cheating father isn't fixed by a mother slowly driven insane trying to prove he's cheating.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[travelbug1996]

The only plan needed is an exit plan. Life is too short, move on.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

OP, why do you keep ignoring our advice & keep bringing up his ex to him? You're not going to get the evidence you want from his lips & all the questioning is gonna do is drive him underground. I don't see the point. You're not gonna win in a game of wits or interrogation with him. He's got the upper hand because you're submissive to him. He's the authority in the relationship. Your job should be very simple: find solid evidence that he's cheating, then divorce him. Anything else is a waste of time. You're not gonna shame him into ending the affair. He doesn't care, because he believes that you wont leave. Maybe he's right. Really there's no point in doing all this, if you don't leave once you prove he's cheating.

[No Limit]

You're not going to get the evidence you want from his lips & all the questioning is gonna do is drive him underground.

 

Read this over and over again. He will never admit on his own. He's not the person you think he is, he's a rat. Put him from the pedestal to the enemy #1 stand, get the evidence you need and get a good attorney.

[SammySammy]

Read this over and over again. He will never admit on his own. He's not the person you think he is, he's a rat. Put him from the pedestal to the enemy #1 stand, get the evidence you need and get a good attorney.

 

You all make it sound so easy. Enemy #1 is her husband. Somebody she feels differently about than we do. Somebody that she hoped ... and probably still hopes ... to maintain a relationship with.

 

I can imagine this is not easy or simple for her.

[No Limit]

You all make it sound so easy. Enemy #1 is her husband. Somebody she feels differently about than we do. Somebody that she hoped ... and probably still hopes ... to maintain a relationship with.

 

I can imagine this is not easy or simple for her.

 

Of course it isn't easy for her, but judging from her posts she's torturing herself in this limbo-state and the users here would like to motivate her to end that. Her heart wants to deny what her brain is already aware of, and has been for some time.

[BetrayedH]

I'll respectfully disagree with those that say you have enough. Leaving a marriage is not a small thing. If you're going to do it because he's cheating, I'd want to be convinced that he's cheating. I'd want to be convinced enough such that I'd feel like I could defend (to myself, at least) that decision to divorce for the rest of my days. I'd want to be confident. An odor that could have been sweat and some deleted text messages probably wouldn't make me feel confident. I'd want further proof. And in my situation, that's what I got.

 

I realize the strong desire to get this resolved quickly. It's hard to keep functioning when such a significant event in your life hangs in the balance. But considering that you've got years or more already invested, I think a few days or weeks of getting to the truth is wise. I'd want to make an informed decision.

[SammySammy]

I'll respectfully disagree with those that say you have enough. Leaving a marriage is not a small thing. If you're going to do it because he's cheating, I'd want to be convinced that he's cheating. I'd want to be convinced enough such that I'd feel like I could defend (to myself, at least) that decision to divorce for the rest of my days. I'd want to be confident. An odor that could have been sweat and some deleted text messages probably wouldn't make me feel confident. I'd want further proof. And in my situation, that's what I got.

 

I realize the strong desire to get this resolved quickly. It's hard to keep functioning when such a significant event in your life hangs in the balance. But considering that you've got years or more already invested, I think a few days or weeks of getting to the truth is wise. I'd want to make an informed decision.

 

Agreed. While I believe he did cheat, I don't think she has enough evidence to end a marriage on. That's a serious matter and I would want to be confident I'm making the right decision before taking that step.

[Sandy43]

OP I agree with the others who say stop confronting. I know it is hard to just pretend everything is ok but if you want the truth that is the only way you are going to get it. He is not going to confess with no evidence and the more you confront the longer it will take you to find out. Use the VAR in his car or put in the house and go out for a while. You said you can get on his iPod, he probably has the same Apple id on there so you can check to see what apps he is using on his phone and get access to email accounts.

[SummerDreams]

I think the OP uses this thread only to vent, to provide some update and not thorougly read it and follow advise either cause she is too overwhelmed by the facts or cause she disagrees with the advise and wants to solve this her way. Personally I think I have said enough and I will just wait fir her to actually act.

[BROKENOW]

I think she is in fight mode, sooner or later it will sink in. Maybe years. I know my ex mms bs forgave him and he never told the truth when it was staring her right in the face. He continues to lie as he knows she will never kick him out. Enough to end a marriage on ???? Midnight dreams said. If you think lying and cheating and being with someone else full time is not enough, then what kind of marriage is that. Having sex with your wife straight after sex with OP...... what respect did he show her then. That would just gross me out. But good luck OP, you know what to do.

Edited August 7, 2015 by BROKENOW