I smelled sex on my husband

[Redheaded Mistress]

I think it's a bold assumption that her plan is to end the marriage. She never said that...

 

And the truth is, she has enough to know she has a problem and she has enough to know what that problem probably is. She can wait around, hand off the power in her life to a guy who is doing her dirt at best and cheating at worst, and sit around and wait in a holding pattern for irrefutable proof he's cheating before pursuing a resolution that allows her to live her life while her husband lies and is out doing his thing and living his life... Or she can cut the baloney and be the one in control here. Not sit around and wait for the solid gold "ah ha" moment, at which point it'll be too late.

 

How he responds and what he does to fix things, or not fix things, is more than enough for her to determine if she's willing to stick it out or leave.

[sandylee1]

Vapors,

 

Is there any chance you can get away for a few days? Tell him you don't feel too good and your doctor suggested a bit of time out.

Then memorise those dates and see if the texting increased when you next see the bill.

 

Or if you can't get away try and invest some time on yourself during the day and evening. Don't ask anymore questions, don't initiate conversation, just exchange pleasantries with him, get out of the house more on your own and TRY and act like you don't care what he's up to.

 

If you need to arrange a sitter for the kids, do that and just let him know by text that xxx is home with the kids, as your at the spa and are turning your phone off now, as your going into the wet area.

 

Relax in the hot tub, have a steam /swim. You need to destress yourself.

 

Do this a couple of times a week. Then spend quality time with the kids. Enjoy your time with them and be happy doing so. No need to inform him what your doing, just do it. If you can drop the kids of somewhere, maybe with friends at times for a few hours, do so.

 

Pop out in the evening to visit friends on your own or just go out have a coffee, read a book. Just don't be around the house as much. Protect your heart and try and stand alone a little bit.

 

Amazing how all the technology and his memory to take pics of the hotel didn't happen. If he was smarter, he would have done those things to appease you, but he couldn't be bothered.

 

This must be torture for you. I really feel for you.

 

The only thing he's done which I wouldn't always say is indication of cheating is get angry and deny.

 

I was furious when my H suggested that I'd cheated to the point that he questioned him being the father of one of our children. I was absolutely ballistic and going to leave him, because it was an insult to me. I have never cheated on him. People might have said I was lying based on that if he posted here.

 

However, there is so much more evidence in your case and it's not just circumstantial. The smell, the number of texts and the trip.

 

I know it's not so easy to not ask questions to try and get the truth, but you won't get it from his mouth.

 

Once you spend more time on your own and with the kids, he'll notice things aren't quite the same between you. He'll notice you've 'tuned out ' and that your love for him is sliping away.

[The Poster]

Honestly, I think Vapors is incredibly overwhelmed and emotional, which is obviously understandable. I think that's what is keeping her chained down. She doesn't have the energy to dig.

 

Vapors, I think you need a partner to help you with this. If you can't afford a PI, find a trusted friend or family member who can do the necessary digging that you are too emotional to do yourself. What I have sensed reading this thread is that you are struggling, overwhelmed, emotional, hurt, and dizzy. All of which are perfectly fine given the situation. So, find a friend to help you with the things you are struggling to bring yourself to do.

[Southern Sun]

Vapors - the lack of any record of phone calls is likely because they are using FaceTime. It uses data rather than showing up on the phone log.

 

The text records are so highly suspicious, the amount, the pattern. Keep watching them, since he told you they are no longer texting. Are these texts (SMS) and are you able to see iMessage too? On the bill specifically (since he is deleting them)?

 

The fact that suddenly FaceTime "didn't work" at the hotel - that was a lie. It works on cellular data AND wifi. He was worried you would see something in the background that would tip you off he wasn't there alone. It's hard to run around and stage a hotel room and make sure it's perfect and then look perfectly NORMAL for your spouse. Really, excruciatingly hard and scary. And what if you miss something and your spouse says, hey, show me your room? And are you gonna put all your 'friend's' stuff in the hallway??

 

I'm sure he did go see his son on the trip. It's a lot easier to tell lies that aren't hardcore LIES. He could work this out better in his brain. When he says to you, I'm going to visit my son, he's not 'technically' lying...he's simply omitting that he'll be doing other things while he's there.

 

I'm sorry. I am a former wayward wife. I feel sick to my stomach seeing all these things. I am telling you this because I've done versions of them myself. I would consider myself to be normally INCAPABLE of cheating. I would have never expected myself to go there. Yet when my husband asked me if I was okay, if anything was going on (this was before he directly confronted me...I confessed at that point), I was able to look him directly in the eyes and tell him everything was fine. I also used diversionary tactics, trying to blame the issues on other things. Cheaters become capable of all kinds of things they never even imagined possible, sometimes because they just want to keep doing what they're doing, and a lot of times because they are terrified of the consequences of discovery.

 

You really do just need hard evidence, for your own confirmation. Regardless of what you are going to do about it.

[clam]

Pungent, "unfamiliar" vajayjay smell on your husband's p*nis = cheating.

[Realist3]

I'll respectfully disagree with those that say you have enough. Leaving a marriage is not a small thing. If you're going to do it because he's cheating, I'd want to be convinced that he's cheating. I'd want to be convinced enough such that I'd feel like I could defend (to myself, at least) that decision to divorce for the rest of my days. I'd want to be confident. An odor that could have been sweat and some deleted text messages probably wouldn't make me feel confident. I'd want further proof. And in my situation, that's what I got.

 

I realize the strong desire to get this resolved quickly. It's hard to keep functioning when such a significant event in your life hangs in the balance. But considering that you've got years or more already invested, I think a few days or weeks of getting to the truth is wise. I'd want to make an informed decision.

 

OP, I agree 100% with this. Although, there was one thing you mentioned that caught my attention. He paid for the hotel room in cash. Almost no one pays for anything more than $20 in cash anymore. I do not know what his taste in hotels might be, but I will ask you this. Does he regularly carry large amounts of cash on his person? Look at the bank account. Was there a withdrawal leading up to, or during this trip? Totally an assumption but the room had to be at least $100. Were there charges outside of that for meals?

[SSJROMANCE]

OP, I agree 100% with this. Although, there was one thing you mentioned that caught my attention. He paid for the hotel room in cash. Almost no one pays for anything more than $20 in cash anymore. I do not know what his taste in hotels might be, but I will ask you this. Does he regularly carry large amounts of cash on his person? Look at the bank account. Was there a withdrawal leading up to, or during this trip? Totally an assumption but the room had to be at least $100. Were there charges outside of that for meals?

 

Yep that caught my attention too. I have NEVER paid a hotel room in cash and I have taken many vacations in my life. Something doesn't smell right here. The ONLY reason why I would pay cash for a hotel room was so I wouldn't be tracked.

[elaine567]

Yep that caught my attention too. I have NEVER paid a hotel room in cash and I have taken many vacations in my life. Something doesn't smell right here. The ONLY reason why I would pay cash for a hotel room was so I wouldn't be tracked.

 

Or perhaps forgetting to take the credit cards. I have done that before, and that is why I usually always carry a reasonable amount of cash too.

But you are correct, paying with cash leaves little trail and in this case it just adds to the suspicion.

[iouaname]

I'm sorry for what you're going through from the sounds of it, you have every right to be suspicious and I really hope you're able to get to the bottom of it for your own sake.

 

it sounds like you're going to get all of the information that you're able to get just doing what you're doing. like others said, it sounds like you need to kick it up a notch and either hire someone or figure out a way to get more information.

 

have you checked his phone thoroughly or just text messages? this might be awful advice, I don't know, but my first ex was a huge cheater and I became almost horrifyingly good at figuring it out. I used to find evidence in not just his text messages but also in his camera roll, his calendar, etc.

 

clearly he's not going to be honest if you confront him, so I guess you really just need to find out the truth by any means possible at this point.

[Lois_Griffin]

There is no reason for him to blow up at you and sleep on the couch, just because he couldn't get it up. He's feeling GUILTY.

Sorry, but this guy wouldn't know what guilt is if you shoved it up his ass with a pointy-toed boot. Anyone who can shove his unwashed penis in his wife's mouth after just having had sex a few hours before with his concubine, has NO guilt and NO conscience at all.

 

Vapors, it's pretty obvious you want very badly to bury your head in the sand because it feels so nice and warm around your ears. That's painfully obvious.

 

Hopefully, you'll get to a point where the constant disrespect, lying, deceit, manipulation and gas-lighting is no longer acceptable to you.

[Lois_Griffin]

Sooo.....he took a BUS instead of driving, and he paid CASH for a hotel room. Everyone knows how pleasant buses are, so that one is very believable.

 

Not.

 

And what hotel lets you pay cash when they generally like to have your credit card on record should they go to your room after you've left and it's been totally trashed or the $500 TV is missing? Sorry. Not believable unless it's a hotel that rents by the hour. Sounds like his girlfriend used HER card for the hotel so there'd be no paper trail for Vapors to follow. Jeez, even a 12 year old could figure this 'mystery' out.

 

If this guy were my husband, he would have been strung up by his balls in the family room while my lawyer and I picked his worthless bones clean.

 

OP, stop allowing yourself to be disrespected so badly. Take the damned VAR out of the box already and get that smoking gun you INSIST on having even though this guy has more HUGE UGLY RED FLAGS flapping around him than the starting line at the Indy 500.

[anna121]

 

I know to anyone reading this, or to anyone that I told the story to from beginning to end, it looks so incredibly obvious that the man is cheating, or has cheated at least once. However, I cannot show you through text on a computer screen how utterly convincing he is. His voice doesn't shake, he looks me straight in the eye. When he said she only texted him once a week, it could be possible that she did only text him once THIS week. I can't see those records yet. If I asked him about the hundreds of texts sent previously, he would say that they were just catching up, and he didn't think at the time it would bother me. He has promised he wil no longer communicate with her.

 

 

Vapours:

 

I know that people go on and on about "tells". Fact: most people can lie very convincingly. Especially when the person being lied to wants to believe it.

 

It is just about the easiest thing in the world.

[BetrayedH]

Vapours:

 

I know that people go on and on about "tells". Fact: most people can lie very convincingly. Especially when the person being lied to wants to believe it.

 

It is just about the easiest thing in the world.

 

Quite true.

 

I read a good study on lying detection/tells. It essentially concluded that there really aren't any tells. What they did discover is that the most significant factor in lying successfully has to do with how long and how well you know the person. Just knowing someone for a decent amount of time builds trust by default. The easiest person to lie to is the person who knows you the most.

 

Knowing this, it's no longer a surprise to me how many people manage to pull of infidelty with their spouse.

[cgiles]

Vapors, I just read how you have hard time to not believe him, because he doesn't show any sign of lie or doubt.

 

See him as a meth addict, or any kind of addict to a hard drug.

 

An addict would tell you whatever it wants, promise you to go to rehab, to change of lifestyle, ect, and you would believe it, then it will go get their fix.

 

You must look at your husband as you would look to an addict, never trust his words, only his actions.

 

For the message dissapearing, he can use iMessage or whatsapp, or any other messaging apps.

 

I think you should start to apply the 180lists : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

It will help you to move on emotionally, and stop to fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Women sometimes fail to do the 180 more than men, because they stop as soon the cheater changes of behavior.

 

But if you decide to apply the 180, you must understand something, you do it for you, not for your husband, or your mariage, but only for you.

 

Contact a divorce lawyer, see your rights, start to put your duck in row, and contact his ex's boyfriend, maybe he has some doubts too.

Edited August 9, 2015 by cgiles

[beach]

Since you've been wondering if he's cheating I hope you haven't been having sex with him.

 

But I'm sure you have - as you've stated he's used to sex most everyday. So, in that case, I hope you're protecting yourself by doing no oral for now and using protection.

 

Hope you're doing ok. Hugs.

[stupidkittten]

If he has an iphone with IOS 8, you can go to settings, privacy, location services, system services (at the very bottom), and then frequent locations and it tells you a couple of places he visits frequently. Some of them don't even need to be frequent, just far enough away and the phone will list them along with how many times he went and the dates and times. I doubt he turned it off because it's so far in the menu and most people don't even know about it.

[Poutrew]

If he has an iphone with IOS 8, you can go to settings, privacy, location services, system services (at the very bottom), and then frequent locations and it tells you a couple of places he visits frequently. Some of them don't even need to be frequent, just far enough away and the phone will list them along with how many times he went and the dates and times. I doubt he turned it off because it's so far in the menu and most people don't even know about it.

 

Yep. This'll even work with a IPod Touch running IOS 8 with location services turned on...

[almond]

Hope you're holding up okay Vapors, I can feel your pain through your writing, and I totally appreciate that you feel very conflicted about "investigating" him as you are.

 

I believe it needs to be done though. You need to know either way.

 

I'm very sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you're navigating this personal hell as well as can be expected.

 

Stay strong. If you feel it is getting to be too much, perhaps find a good counsellor to have a chat to.

 

Good luck <3

[zebrapopcorn]

I installed a spyware on my serial cheating husband's cellphone. It was expensive but it works superbly. It lets you listen to a live call, record it, listen to his surrounding , take a picture, see his messages, everything you want to know. I also used a recorder before. I placed it inside the head cushion of the driver's seat. Its so easy to catch a cheater because they're so blinded by their new found thrills, they tend to be careless most of the time.

[Raena]

I installed a spyware on my serial cheating husband's cellphone. It was expensive but it works superbly. It lets you listen to a live call, record it, listen to his surrounding , take a picture, see his messages, everything you want to know. I also used a recorder before. I placed it inside the head cushion of the driver's seat. Its so easy to catch a cheater because they're so blinded by their new found thrills, they tend to be careless most of the time.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that Zebra... when you get to that point where you feel the need to snoop it's over. It's hell to be in the middle of it, wondering if the person is telling you the truth or lying. I remember very clearly how I felt when it happened to me too... went into instant detective mode and it wasn't a good feeling.

 

Vapors... haven't seen any new posts from you in a bit. I hope you are doing ok.

[jaks]

I'm sorry you had to go through that Zebra... when you get to that point where you feel the need to snoop it's over. It's hell to be in the middle of it, wondering if the person is telling you the truth or lying. I remember very clearly how I felt when it happened to me too... went into instant detective mode and it wasn't a good feeling.

 

Vapors... haven't seen any new posts from you in a bit. I hope you are doing ok.

 

I think deep down your gut instinct tells you you know you are not going to get the truth as the cheater does not want to lose there happy lifestyle, i was lucky with my ex i dropped on someone who could trace his mobile call numbers i gathered all my info then he had the cheek to call me a liar to his ex until i provided all the evidence pics & all And i posted it through her letter box boy did i get some nasty phone messages off him they are still together good luck to them both as she is going to need it im worth more than that.

[clam]

I think Vapors has "vaporized" from this thread. Hope she's ok.