How to end something so good.

[Sunny]

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and I are not going to make it in the long run. Although we've been dating for nearly four years now, he's 23 and I'm 19, I know that because of our values about the future it is just not going to last. The hard part is that I'm still in love with him. I just don't want to continue something that's going to end up hurting us more the longer we wait. I know he doesn't want to hear it and I just don't know what to do, or how to say it without completely breaking his heart.

 

Any helpful advice?

[clia]

Sunny,

 

I went through the exact same thing when I was 20, my boyfriend was 24. We had also been together for 4 years and had a good thing, but I couldn't see myself with him forever. (God, I didn't even know what I wanted when I was 20!) Of course you love him--you've been with him for four years, which is a very long time. You will probably always continue to love him in some way. (I know I do, but I also know that we never would have been happy together for the long term.) He's probably your first love, right?

 

I broke things off and he took it very hard. I desperately wanted to remain friends, since he had been my best friend for four years, but he couldn't handle it. (We tried, but ended up doing the 'friends with benefits' thing, which he misconstrued as I wanted to get back together and it was a huge mess.) We haven't talked since, except for a few occasions where we ran into each other at a bar. (This all happened about 6 years ago.) Realize that being friends under these circumstances might be impossible. Get a network of friends to help you through it because you will miss him terribly at first. (It took me about six months to get through it.)

 

It was a very hard thing to go through, but I know I made the right decision. If you don't see things working out forever, your options are to break up with him or to try and discuss your feelings with him. (Have you two had conversations about this?) The thing is, you can't change him and he can't change you. Things are probably very comfortable and very easy in your relationship right now, another reason why it will be hard on both of you to end things.

 

You really shouldn't put it off any longer if you want to break up. (Believe me, I came up with every excuse in the book--birthdays, the holidays, he was starting a new job, etc.) In the end, it will all work out for the best, and you're right, it will hurt more the longer you wait. You're young and you will meet so many other guys. (Although I suggest you remain single for awhile at first since you've been in a relationship for so long.)

 

It will be hard, but look at the long term consequences, not the short term. If you do it, do not call him, do not talk to him--that will only make it harder. You need a clean break and to get on with your life. Stay busy with hobbies, friends, and family. Don't dwell on it. Take the time to discover more about yourself.

 

Good luck. It'll be hard, but you can do it. I always say, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person forever.

 

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and I are not going to make it in the long run. Although we've been dating for nearly four years now, he's 23 and I'm 19, I know that because of our values about the future it is just not going to last. The hard part is that I'm still in love with him. I just don't want to continue something that's going to end up hurting us more the longer we wait. I know he doesn't want to hear it and I just don't know what to do, or how to say it without completely breaking his heart. Any helpful advice?