Enforce parenting plan or not?

[jakrbbt]

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Things are considerably better.

 

My ex and I separated over 9 months ago. Our son is two years old. Ex insisted on 50/50 parenting time though I did not think he could do it. He is often unemployed, is very disorganized, needs (or claims he needs) a lot of "self-time" to stay sober, and has an on-call job that he says is hard to keep track of because of his ADD. He never has any money or future plans, lives day-to-day and always relies on friends for a lot of his housing, food, other needs. But he's good with our son (as far as I can tell) when with him.

 

I've been hovering and stepping in a LOT. Usually it's ex asking me to take our son for one or another reason. But sometimes it's me saying something like "why don't I take him tonight so you dont' have to [wake son super early/ make him stay up late/ other inconveniences for son]." I've mostly stopped doing that. And I left for a 3-day vacation. That was hard but good.

 

I've kept a calendar. Since our divorce in Feb, I've had our son all but 1 to 4 nights per month. As for daytime, I work from home 2 or 3 days per week (I'm a lawyer). And I've had our son about 75- 80% of the non-overnight time.

 

Ex can claim him as dependent this year. (Every other year, since we're supposed to be 50% parents.) And I pay $140/month in child support, but that calculation was done when ex was unemployed (now he has a job and I wouldn't owe any if that was taken into account-- but he rarely keeps jobs).

 

Ex cannot afford any child care, but his mom helps some. I think she's less willing than in the beginning though, and there's always some tension in his family. I don't know what he'd do if I don't step in for childcare. Whereas if he does not step in for my child care needs, but if I can claim our son as a dependent et c, I'd line up daycare or a nanny with pre-tax wages.

 

I pay 100% of all our son's needs, except that ex does pay for some food for him (but often eats at my place even if I'm not there-- I don't really mind).

 

When I take our son for ex, often I ask whether he'll "trade" a similar amount of time. Or even half the amount I took. He always gives a vague answer and then when I follow up, he ignores my calls or texts about it. So he won't/can't trade me parenting-time. He worked 5 or 6 days total last month. I work full-time (but half of it's at-home). I am slipping in my ability to progress in my career and preserve my health and friendships.

 

I've got a choice. I can go to court and ask for a modification where I get our son (say) 60% of the time. Something that comes at least a little closer to reflecting what we have. That way I can claim him on taxes as a dependent, since after all I'm supporting him and having him more and paying more child care than I would. That saves me about $4,000 every other year.

 

Or, I could stop "hovering" and stop offering to cover his childcare needs. I'd feel bad if he couldn't get child care and had to give up one of his few work days for the month, though, but it's a problem of his own doing. I am considering saying "no" next time he asks me to take our child when he gets called into work. I can explain, "I'm happy to do it if you'll sometimes trade, but you haven't been trading time even a little, and it's not working out for me."

 

If I go to court, I worry about unpredictable judges and the costs too. Then also, my ex would no longer allow me to even take our child for him, ever, even if he has childcare needs, because he'd be scared that I'd "use it" against him. A sharp judge might foresee that and order first right of refusal (where ex has to offer childcare to me before anyone else), but ex does not follow court orders.

 

Then, my child won't be two forever. And I wont' be single forever, most likely. If I don't go to court, I can always try to enforce 50/50 in the future, and I'd get some overnights to myself. Then I could date and go on vacations-- hard to do if you just have paid care and 75-yr-old grandparents. I've already reconnected with an old boyfriend who travels the world for his career. He'd love to take me to Italy or Denmark and I love having him to visit. I can't plan those things if I don't have predictable days without our son. Whether it's this guy or someone else or another career, is it better to keep my "option" of 50% parenting time open? In other words, is it better to not go back to court, even though it's financially unfair and ex is not stepping up, because I reserve the option to take more time and expand my life when I am more ready to do so? Or do I go back to court because this is bs and my ex is taking my and the government's money claiming he's a 50% parent when really he's a 10 to 25% parent AND he's not proving that he could function at 50%?

 

Perspective from those with older kids might help. Right now it's insane trying to work and get it all done with a 2-yr-old. That's one reason I'm very conscious of taking over all ex's time. I'm hoping that in the future, when he's 6 or 10, I can do stuff like garden and write briefs while he's around. (He is an easy and well-adjusted toddler.) Then, maybe I'd shrug off the financial unfairness, enjoy extra time with son, still get things done and function, and even plan my vacations and tell ex "you're on your own" during those times.

 

Thanks so much for reading, thoughts appreciated!

Edited July 25, 2015 by jakrbbt

[salparadise]

Maybe I can help you on this one. I'm divorced (5.5 years) with one daughter, now age 19. In my opinion you should do everything possible to maintain cooperation in the coparenting and stay out of court. If you're making a good income and he's struggling don't shift financial burden onto him even if you know you can, because you really want to do what best for your son.

 

If I were you, I'd be enjoying the fact that you get more than your 50 percent time and keep good records of exactly how much extra time you're getting without taking away his deduction and without making him pay more child support. But give your ex a heads up that there may be times in the future where you need to reliably schedule time out of town and so forth. Then when it's time to actually do it you'll have so much goodwill built up that he won't be able to say no.

 

My ex and I had 50/50 (which I diligently pursued) and we both always wanted all of our time with our daughter. Of course she was older, and yes it does get easier. 50/50 with flexibility by both parents is about as good as it gets. My advice is don't rock the boat over small potatoes, and always make it feel like you're bending over backwards to accommodate. Be the best ex and the best single parent you can possibly be.

Edited July 26, 2015 by salparadise

[BetrayedH]

I agree with the above in principle, and that's basically what my ex and I do.

 

However, jackrbt's spouse is pretty ridiculous. 4-5 nights a month, 0% of costs, and no flexibility of his part is extreme.

 

I know that engaging your attorney is an expensive prospect. But I'd sit down for a consult at minimum and figure out exactly what he/she thinks a realistic adjustment in custody/support would look like and what the likelihood is of getting an adjustment at all.

 

In short, do your best to nail down exactly what your options are and then reevaluate.

 

It also wouldn't surprise me if a judge is already established for your case. If you went back to court, it wouldn't surprise me if you get the same judge by default. Our judge was determined as soon as our divorce was filed, even though the judge was never engaged except to ratify our settlement agreement. But since the judge was established in advance, my attorney was able to garner some insight about how he tends to rule. Some are in favor of mothers, some are in favor of 50/50, some hate 50/50 and want a primary, etc.. But for what it's worth, I can't see a judge making a ruling that is more unfair than your current arrangement.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've already reconnected with an old boyfriend who travels the world for his career. He'd love to take me to Italy or Denmark and I love having him to visit.

 

You've gotten great advice so far.

 

I think you have the best part currently - extended time with your son where you're the rock he needs. There's no reason you can't give your ex advance notice and take a trip. How's he going to call you to "step in" if you're in Italy?

 

I'd stay out of court but document everything...

 

Mr. Lucky