My wife wants to separate

[PolsonG]

Hi,

 

I have been married for 3 years with my wife. We both moved together to a new town for work. We have always been getting along really well and are very close - also due to the fact that we don't have any family or many friends here.

 

There is only one major issue in our marriage. Once a year I take a week of vacation to spend with old time (male) friends. These are just sightseeing trips, not party! My wife can't understand why I would voluntarily choose to spend a vacation without her. It doesn't limit our vacation time as I have more than her. On the first trip I did, we traded upset txt and calls all week. On the second trip she decided to not contact me at all during that time. It really felt strange to come home after that. We recovered relatively quick and I committed to not do such trips anymore. But then came another trip which my friends booked and I kind of just got dragged into without discussing it with her. When I told her about it she seemed sort of ok if I go, but shorter. Over the months leading up to the trip, there were some date changes, a day was added and we just got into more and more arguments about it. A week before the trip, arguments were daily and she said she has had enough and will move out while I am gone. She feels I broke her trust with committing to go on this trip, making it a day longer and basically just going along to please my friends which obviously are more important than her. she feels she can no longer trust me and all love is gone.

 

I was shocked. Yes I knew this trip placed a strain on us, and over time I also felt less desire to go. But I didn't want to let the others down on this trip. My wife also felt like all the friends were ganging up on her to question why she would not allow me to go.

 

I confessed that I hadn't handled the situation well and also broke my commitment to no longer go on such trips. I asked if I should cancel the trip now and she said it's too late. But I feel this does not warrant us to separate. We should have another chance when I am back. Everything else is so good in our lives. I am heartbroken.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Divorce her. She's got some serious abandonment, control & manipulation issues.

[jakrbbt]

My initial advice is to be clear with her that you love her and to pick some way to show her (and I don't mean declining to go on your trip-- some other way, like cooking a romantic dinner). It won't fix everything, in fact it won't fix anything, but it will avoid the ****-storm that would happen if you got defensive and battled her on the battleground of her own issues.

 

She's setting up "tests" for you to somehow prove your allegiance.

 

But she's doing that because of her own anxiety over "losing" you. That is why you will fail the tests every time.

 

It doesn't mean that you stop showing her that you love her. But it does mean you can't play on her turf and that you likely can't have a harmonious relationship without good counesling.

 

It also means she won't actually leave you-- but she will do lots of other things to "punish" you for "failing" her anxiety-inspired tests.

 

If you lash out at her (as lots of us would feel like doing) for having these anxieties, the whole thing will spiral into a hellish relationship and hellish breakup and she will use any bad act against you. Be true to yourself and treat her how you'd want to be treated. Again, that doesn't mean declining to go on the trip. From where I sit, the objectively best thing to do seems to leave the relationship, and to do it in the most loving and respectful way possible. She will be horrified and her behavior might get gnarly, but if you leave with respect, (even if she doesn't recognize it at the time), it'll end better than any other likely scenario.

Edited July 25, 2015 by jakrbbt

[elaine567]

This is what happens when you promise something to your wife, but then arrange to do something entirely different with your pals and when it came down to the nitty-gritty, you chose your pals.

Despite all the upset it caused previously, you went right ahead and booked it, without even telling her.

She was never going to be happy with that, so why did you do it?

 

She may be a bit insecure over those trips in the first place but I am sure that despite you claiming they are sight seeing trips, she will be imagining you in clubs, strip joints, brothels and massage parlours, so it is little wonder she is upset.

 

By going behind her back you made it all 10x worse and unfortunately for you, you are reaping the consequences.

 

Marriage is a team effort, pretending you are single and ignoring your "teammate's" feelings altogether, was a recipe for disaster.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

During his 1st & 2nd trip, she showed him her true colors.

 

 

The issue isn't who he's going with, where he's going or what he's doing. The issue to her is that he is spending time away from her. That's a major problem & would be a total deal breaker for me.

[jakrbbt]

This is what happens when you promise something to your wife, but then arrange to do something entirely different with your pals and when it came down to the nitty-gritty, you chose your pals.

Despite all the upset it caused previously, you went right ahead and booked it, without even telling her.

She was never going to be happy with that, so why did you do it?

 

She may be a bit insecure over those trips in the first place but I am sure that despite you claiming they are sight seeing trips, she will be imagining you in clubs, strip joints, brothels and massage parlours, so it is little wonder she is upset.

 

By going behind her back you made it all 10x worse and unfortunately for you, you are reaping the consequences.

 

Marriage is a team effort, pretending you are single and ignoring your "teammate's" feelings altogether, was a recipe for disaster.

 

I think the OP's quandary is that his wife was upset already, even before he booked the trip after telling her that he would not. He is wary of a marriage where his wife told him that it would always hurt her if he were to go on a trip with his friends and without her. Then the OP says that he dealt with that the wrong way, by promising to do what she wanted but then going back on his promise, but the original problem still stands-- that he believes she will always feel hurt and may leave the marriage if he takes vacations with his friends without her or does other things he'd like to do with friends and without her. Even if he deals with what your post is describing, the original problem still stands.

[elaine567]

During his 1st & 2nd trip, she showed him her true colors.

The issue isn't who he's going with, where he's going or what he's doing. The issue to her is that he is spending time away from her. That's a major problem & would be a total deal breaker for me.

 

She did in fact tolerate both of those trips, what she didn't tolerate is for him to promise that he would not go on any more trips, and then he arranged to go on another, without even telling her.

That is actually devious and underhand behaviour and it is not therefore surprising to me that she wants to separate, as how can she now trust him? He makes promises he doesn't keep.

[jakrbbt]

She did in fact tolerate both of those trips, what she didn't tolerate is for him to promise that he would not go on any more trips, and then he arranged to go on another, without even telling her.

That is actually devious and underhand behaviour and it is not therefore surprising to me that she wants to separate, as how can she now trust him? He makes promises he doesn't keep.

 

Well, help us out here OP, was your problem that you want advice on that (a) your ex won't tolerate you going on trips with your friends at all? Or is it that (b) she wants to separate because she feels you went back on a promise?

 

The first problem, (a), seems daunting and not something you could solve. It augurs trouble. The second, (b), is the stuff of marital arguments and counseling and reconciliation, plus the ball is in your court. But I stand by my advice because I think (a) is the bigger issue, more indicative of problems to come that you cannot likely solve.

[elaine567]

Well, help us out here OP, was your problem that you want advice on that (a) your ex won't tolerate you going on trips with your friends at all? Or is it that (b) she wants to separate because she feels you went back on a promise?

 

The first problem, (a), seems daunting and not something you could solve. It augurs trouble. The second, (b), is the stuff of marital arguments and counseling and reconciliation, plus the ball is in your court. But I stand by my advice because I think (a) is the bigger issue, more indicative of problems to come that you cannot likely solve.

 

See, I do not see a) as a big issue I think that it is something that can be talked through and with reassurance they might get past that. He might be able to go on his solo trips and so might she, or he learns that he is no longer single and week long trips with the lads "sight seeing" are not cool.

BUT

b) The broken promise, the lack of being able to trust him and the going behind her back and reducing her importance to second best behind his mates, I see that could very well be a deal breaker.

They are only 3 years married, she should be his world, and he, hers. If he cannot put her before his mates then, it doesn't augur well for their future and she may see that.

[PolsonG]

Thanks.

 

She basically blames me for breaking the promise. I now I screwed up there and the story is long why and how. But anyways, I think it's a matter of restoring trust.. But how... I have otherwise always upheld my commitments to her.

[No Limit]

Look, she's turning a fly into an elephant. The issues are hers, unless she wanted to spend a last day with you before leaving for a couple of months because she's flying to the International Space Station on the extra-day I don't see why anyone could become this upset.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

It's the usual whiny: "You don't love me or you'd spend every minute with me." crap, or the worse: "You're mine & I'm not going to let you see your friends because I don't approve of them." or "You can only be friends with my friends or you can't have any friends."

 

 

Of course neither is healthy. Behavior like that only gets worse.

[Woggle]

People have a right to a social life with friends even when married. If I were in a marriage like this I would feel like I was in prison. If the roles were reversed you know would be called a controller and abuser.

[Methodical]

To ME, marriage is a commitment to "share" your life with that person. Sharing does not mean you no longer can have friends or that you no longer are allowed to do things you enjoy.

 

No, you shouldn't have promised to forego taking trips when, in fact, that is something you enjoy doing. You aren't doing anything "wrong" by going. The problem is that you told her what she wanted to hear without considering how you would feel by having that limitation placed upon you.

 

I agree with Clarence, she has insecurity issues. One week out of 52 isn't asking for much. Was this an issue prior to marriage? If so, how did she respond? Was there ever a discussion of compromise?

[Radu]

She did in fact tolerate both of those trips, what she didn't tolerate is for him to promise that he would not go on any more trips, and then he arranged to go on another, without even telling her.

That is actually devious and underhand behaviour and it is not therefore surprising to me that she wants to separate, as how can she now trust him? He makes promises he doesn't keep.

 

I think you are glossing over it and trying very hard to see the OP in a bad light.

 

On the first trip she bombed him with texts and calls, arguments were had.

2nd trip, she made his life before the trip a living hell.

 

Granted the OP made a major mistake in booking the 3rd trip without consulting her [really huge one OP and it shows you did not think of your SO], but the initial problem is what Clarence pointed at ... separation anxiety which is probably rooted in fear of abandonment.

She is trying to control him and all of this could have been talked earlier ... but now it is quite likely, too late because an ultimatum has been served and she really does not think she has a problem.

Not to mention that she has quite likely checked out.

[sandylee1]

Now my H and I are both free to go away on our own or with same sex friends with no problem, however your wife clearly has a problem with this.

 

You shouldn't have gone on the third trip without discussing it with her in advance. That showed disrespect and she would interpret this as you having no regard for her. You allowed yourself to be dragged into going and that kinda looks like you're not strong enough to stand firm and decide yourself.

 

The real issue is why is she opposed to you going away ? Has she had previous experience with a boyfriend cheating on such trips?

Does she dislike any of your friends or think they're a bad influence?

Are your friends married or single?

 

There has to be a reason she isn't happy about it and it's not a case of diagnosing her with mental health conditions either.

 

You need to sit down with her and talk this through.

 

In your shoes , I wouldn't be able to go on the trip and enjoy myself , so I'd cancel it, but have a serious talk and make it clear that this isn't going to work moving forwards , if she has a problem with you spending a week away every year.

 

Is she controlling in other areas?

 

I personally think time is away is refreshing, although I probably go on girls weekends more than he goes away.

[Woggle]

You shouldn't have promised her you wouldn't go. If she can't handle one week out of the year away with the guys then you two have a problem.

[lolablue17]

I have a gut feeling that this "trip" is only a distraction, while the real story is something very different.

 

Jealousy issues point that your wife loves you. It points that your wife is needy, it points that your wife wants to control you, that she needs you, All of the above are a one way thing - She wants you to be with her ALL the time. SHE WANTS YOU 24\7.

 

So i find it hard to believe that the fact that you were breaking your promise, made her to stop loving you. It can make her crasy, way way angry, but after you've surrendered, she should be pleased because you show how much you are willing to sacrifice for her and that she means a lot to you, and that she got more control over you.

 

But instead, she said: "It's too late". Very odd...

 

I believe that her wish to separate, has nothing to do with your trip. She didn't know how to tell you that for quite a while, and you just gave her the opportunity to separate without taking responsibility for the separation. Now, it's you that are responsible, not her. It makes it very convenience for her.

 

Why does she wants to leave you? It can be for any reason. Many times they meet someone else and use him as a tool to break the marriage.

[Iron Bubba]

It's best to just let her go.

 

if you fight her you will only lose. Socially, culturally, legally, personally. Nobody will be on your side. Nobody will listen to you, nobody will believe you.

 

Just let her go and stay the heck away from her.

 

If things get worse you can put a restraining order on her and then send her to jail if she violates that.