Should I be angry at waiting so long for a reply? Feeling anxious

[Ellinha]

My boyfriend is working at a summer camp, having the time of his life and meeting loads of new people. I am moving abroad to his city next month but he won't arrive back until a few weeks after.

 

He is super nice and I know that deep down he is a good guy. But being the one left behind with not much to do until I start my new life has meant I have a lot of time on my hands. Basically, the longer he has been away and the more people he has met etc. the more anxious I have got that he is going to cheat.

 

He loves me but recently I have been feeling like he hasn't been showing it. Because he doesn't have that much free time, communication is a bit limited. We send each other long messages about how the other is getting on, usually a few days apart. I sent him a message and he took a week to reply. In that time I saw he had been online numerous times and my anxiety increased - what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he has found someone else? What if he has cheated and is finding it hard to tell me?

 

I replied very blunt and now I am questioning whether I am justified in feeling put out. I don't doubt that he is busy and doesn't have a lot of free time but a week to reply? I feel that's a little rude, he could easily have sent me a message saying he was busy and would get back to me soon. Just something to make me feel like he was putting me first.

 

When he does reply he is so sweet and nice, and says sorry, and I feel stupid for having questioned his fidelity or feelings towards me. It doesn't help that he still has an ex that likes all his stuff all the time, which only adds to me being paranoid. Is he talking to her as well? Most likely not, since we haven't been together very long and she doesn't know he has a girlfriend plus the fact he told me she still liked him and he said he wasn't interested. But that paranoid thought is still there, in the mix.

 

The funny thing is, before he left, I was so trusting of him, I wasn't really paranoid at all and never had any issues like this. The more time he has been gone the more I question things and am worried we are going to be reunited and I've turned into a psycho girlfriend who needs to check his every move and every text. Is this part of an LDR? And am I justified in being mad at him?

[justwhoiam]

Hi Ellinha,

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

I can only apply your situation to me.

 

First of all I didn't understand the following:

1) Are you moving permanently to his city?

2) What's the reason for moving?

3) How much time have you spent together with each other in person?

4) How long have you been in this relationship?

5) Was the relationship born online or in person?

 

I sent him a message and he took a week to reply. In that time I saw he had been online numerous times and my anxiety increased

Understandable. How long was the message he sent you?

 

what if he doesn't want me anymore?

You'll know soon. But he can have some summer fling and then be with you. I'm not sure that's so negative after all, if he's very young and didn't have many experiences, it's better for him to have them now than dreaming of that later on, if the relationship with you gets serious or to an upper level.

 

What if he has found someone else?

Chances are he'd tell you. Because it looks like things with you are just at the beginning. Not much commitment involved. I might be wrong, but you didn't say anything about it.

 

What if he has cheated and is finding it hard to tell me?

If he has cheated and it was a one-off thing, chances are he'll never tell you nor admit to it, in fear of losing you or ruining things with you. And by cheating, I'm not thinking a full-on thing, just kissing and feeling one another maybe.

 

I am questioning whether I am justified in feeling put out

Yes.

 

I don't doubt that he is busy and doesn't have a lot of free time but a week to reply? I feel that's a little rude, he could easily have sent me a message saying he was busy and would get back to me soon.

I totally agree with you on that.

 

It doesn't help that he still has an ex that likes all his stuff all the time, which only adds to me being paranoid. Is he talking to her as well?

Why aren't you his gf officially on FB? Don't give me the excuse that he likes privacy........

 

The more time he has been gone the more I question things and am worried we are going to be reunited and I've turned into a psycho girlfriend who needs to check his every move and every text. Is this part of an LDR?

I guess so. Insecurities can set in.

 

And am I justified in being mad at him?

Yes. Doesn't he have wifi where he's at? Can't you videoskype or call somehow? If you just go with messages only for months, or many weeks anyway, things start to feel off.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have a good reason to be concerned.

 

Going a full week without a reply is not a good sign, especially when you say he has indeed been online and could therefore have responded to you. That indicates a lack of interest on his part.

 

The other poster, justwhoiam, asked some very important questions: have you spent much time together in person? Why did you move to his city? Do have plans to work/study/etc? How will you integrate into your new home, in terms of making friends and establishing your own life there?

[d0nnivain]

I think people are over reacting. Yes it would have been nice if he dropped you even a quick note when he was OL but he's away, out of his normal routine & working. I'd be vigilant & cautious but not all the way to defcon 1 just yet.

[Ellinha]

Yeah should have made that a bit clearer - we met at university. It's part of an exchange programme so he spent his year here and I am spending a year in his city. It's not permanent but we will decide what to do after further down the line.

 

We have been together five months. Not a long time, but he has shown me in that time that he is committed to me. We spent a lot of time together before his departure. He is a sweet guy, unassuming and a bit naive when it comes to things like this.

 

He's 23 years old and I don't like the idea of him having a summer fling - if he wants to be with me then he can either do that or be single and run around doing whatever he wants. He has chosen me and if he can't stick to that then I'm not sticking around. That doesn't really help with the anxiety that has built up, but when your boyfriend is having fun in another country and you're stuck elsewhere with nothing to do, I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about worst case scenarios/waiting for him to reply. I guess I need to find more to keep myself occupied with as I'm not doing myself any favours.

 

I did end up sending him a message telling him how I felt in a very calm and collected way. I didn't get angry, just told him what I explained here and that it would be nice if he could contact me a bit more. I agree though - messaging for the entire time does make things feel different. He has said he wants to send me a letter and he remains affectionate, but it is hard nonetheless. I have another friend at a camp and I know that she doesn't FaceTime anyone so it's not that I don't believe him. I'm also aware that he has his family and friends to keep in contact with too. But I still feel put out. I shall see what his reply his... Only another month and a bit to go I suppose...

[Els]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the 'cheating' conclusion, but regardless of whether or not there is anything shady going on, I think taking A WEEK to respond is frankly ridiculous unless he was in an area with no cell phone or internet reception (and he clearly isn't). That IS extremely inconsiderate and I would personally question how invested someone is in their relationship if they let that much time go by without responding. We're not exactly talking about an afternoon or even a couple days here.

 

Communication is incredibly important in LDRs, because it's all you really have. And I've noticed that in LDRs that go on to stay together, both people make contact fairly regularly whenever possible. In all of the years I've been with my SO (including 2 years LD), I don't think there's ever been a time where one of us took a WEEK to respond to the other person.

 

"Sorry" doesn't solve the issue - actions do. After you talked to him about it, is he making an effort to communicate with you more often? You do need to stay busy too, but it's completely and absolutely reasonable to expect contact more often than once a week, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the 'cheating' conclusion, but regardless of whether or not there is anything shady going on, I think taking A WEEK to respond is frankly ridiculous unless he was in an area with no cell phone or internet reception (and he clearly isn't). That IS extremely inconsiderate and I would personally question how invested someone is in their relationship if they let that much time go by without responding. We're not exactly talking about an afternoon or even a couple days here.

 

Communication is incredibly important in LDRs, because it's all you really have. And I've noticed that in LDRs that go on to stay together, both people make contact fairly regularly whenever possible. In all of the years I've been with my SO (including 2 years LD), I don't think there's ever been a time where one of us took a WEEK to respond to the other person.

 

"Sorry" doesn't solve the issue - actions do. After you talked to him about it, is he making an effort to communicate with you more often? You do need to stay busy too, but it's completely and absolutely reasonable to expect contact more often than once a week, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth!

 

I couldn't agree more with every word said by Elswyth. Read and re-read then re-read again.

 

Good luck.

[Lois_Griffin]

Honestly?

 

A week is unacceptable and a deal breaker.

 

If you have to TELL someone that their complete lack of attention is hurtful to you and you want more from them, then you've chosen to ignore the writing which is already ON THE WALL.

 

You're clearly NOT a priority to him in any way. If you were, he wouldn't have waited an entire week to write back. There's just no acceptable excuse for that. You need to face the fact that he's doing a fade on you.

[Lois_Griffin]

He has said he wants to send me a letter and he remains affectionate, but it is hard nonetheless. I have another friend at a camp and I know that she doesn't FaceTime anyone so it's not that I don't believe him. I'm also aware that he has his family and friends to keep in contact with too. But I still feel put out. I shall see what his reply his... Only another month and a bit to go I suppose...

Now you're starting to make excuses for his lame behavior.

 

I think you need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He ain't in it to win it. Sorry.

[Ellinha]

Thanks for all replies and inputs.

 

So he replied today with such long messages that I couldn't even be bothered to read. He said that I was right and that a week was too long and apologised numerous times. He said that at camp they don't get much free time off, which I do believe as my other friend is at a camp as well and is pretty uncontactable, and he had also been invited on a spontaneous trip with all the kids for the weekend and therefore couldn't contact me.

 

We usually wait about 4 days between messages when he is away because that's just the way we have always been, we have never texted all the time and have always felt pretty comfortable to wait 24 hours to text after seeing each other. I just felt a week was a bit much.

 

He told me never to forget that he is always thinking about me and how he can't wait to see me and do all the things we had planned to do when I moved. If he's making future plans, then I feel that he does genuinely want to be with me. But I agree that communication is all you have in an LDR and I get the feeling he's so wrapped up in what he's doing over there and his work that he is forgetting that I'm still here.

 

He has said that he will try to communicate more with me from now on so we will see if he sticks to his word or not. If he does, then I will know the week thing was maybe just a fluke and that he is committed to me. If he doesn't, then I will take everything into consideration and see if this relationship is worth the time.

[stillafool]

Good he got back to you and you sound like you are feeling better. However, you need to get out and do things to keep yourself busy and entertained. It isn't his fault that he is busy doing something he loves and you are home bored. Keep busy. Do you have friends to hang out with?

[Ellinha]

Yeah feeling a bit better. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I am aware of how camp works. My friends all know my boyfriend well and could not praise him enough. When I first told one of my close friends that I was scared he would cheat she said "you cannot seriously be entertaining that thought." I trust their opinions and judgements but I since none of them have been in a LDR I was wanting some other points of view. I just hoped that even though I knew contact would be limited, that it would be a couple times a week back and forth. Even when he was in his home country for a while, we spoke a lot and that's kind of what I got used to.

 

I do have quite a big social group but my problem is I have saved all my money for my flights and accommodation to my exchange uni that I barely have enough money to feed myself let alone go out and socialise. I've been thinking of going to the library and brushing up on my language skills before leaving though.

 

Again thanks for all replies, even if some weren't what I wanted to hear! In fact, some got me so riled that I was tempted to go all out and just bash into him. That's the kind of behaviour that killed my last relationship though, getting angry and saying things in the heat of the moment. I gave myself a couple hours to calm down and assess what he had said and come to a balanced conclusion. This is the first time we've ever had a communication issue and I'm hoping that it's just a blip on the radar. Now I just need to put a little more trust in him as when I feel that there is the slightest hint of that trust being broken, I tend to retract it, which is something I have to work on.