In HUGE need of support and guidance

[sweetjess1951]

I feel like a horrible person writing this. I never thought I'd be in this position, but here I am.

 

I haven't seriously dated someone in YEARS. When I was younger, I kept going through a string of relationships with guys who treated me SO bad. That, and being on my own and single for years now, it takes a lot for me to open up to a guy romantically.

 

Back at the end of May, I met this guy named Aaron through a mutual friend. We were playing in a softball tournament and both on the same team. Aaron was very sarcastic and things he said jokingly made me laugh. We played all day and after the tournament was over, aaron, myself, my friend Brittany and her boyfriend Steve (Aaron's good friend), went and got dinner. At dinner, Aaron kept asking me questions about my life. I think that was what started my attraction towards him. The guys I had previously dated never really asked about my life. It was nice that someone wanted to get to know me. After dinner, we all went to a bar. We split up and Brittany and Steven went in one car and Aaron and I went in mine. Without going into crazy detail, the rest of the night continued with alcohol and LOTS of flirting between Aaron and I. It ended with me at his place and we ended up sleeping together.

 

After that, I found out he was seeing someone however, it was passed off as "casual" to me. Aaron continued to pursue me. He would contact me every day, asking me questions and being sarcastic. It wasn't until I saw that he was tagged in a picture with his GIRLFRIEND that I got really mad. I told him that we were not going to continue the all day flirting, etc. and that we would ONLY be friends. That is when he started saying things like "I don't only want sex from you. Get that through your head" or "What if I broke up with my girlfriend and asked you out?". He said he wanted to get to know me.

 

I went with the friend thing but the more we hung out, the more the chemistry built. He would always ask me to hang out and I would agree. We would get dinner or walk his dog and although we didn't do anything sexual, or even romantically, the attraction and chemistry was so obviously there. We texted every day.

 

And then, it turned sexual. We would go out with Brittany and Steve and drink and end up back at his place.

 

It wasn't until a few weekends ago that I got really upset and flipped out on him. One Saturday, me, Aaron, Brittany and Steve went to dinner together. Aaron paid for me and the entire night felt very couple-like. We went to a bar afterwards and I, for the first time, stayed at his house that night. The next day, the 4 of us went on his boat and later that night, he asked me to go with him to a bar. He was pretty drunk from drinking all day and at one point, looked at me and said "You are really pretty without make-up". We got dinner that night but reality set in when his girlfriend called and he told me to be quiet.

 

How could I have been so stupid?! I felt like an idiot. I believed everything he said. Brittany even thought he felt something for me.

 

It all went downhill from there. He kept texting me every day. If I was short with him, he got upset. If I didn't want to hang out, he got upset. I would get drunk and tell him his treated me like crap and that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was sorry his gf didn't give him what he wanted but I wasn't going to be the fill-in girl.

 

Then one day I came out and told him I wanted to see what this was. I told him that I felt like we had too much chemistry and attraction to not even explore it. I mean, one time he said he felt way too comfortable around me. But again, like an idiot, I put myself and my feelings out there, flat out told him I wanted to try and he told me that he liked me and cared about me but I only liked the idea of him and was mad at him more than not. He told me that everything would be fine and sweet and then I'd drink and do a complete 180 and tell him I can't do this and said "Do you not think that makes me a little hesitant?"

 

I'm hurting SO bad. I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid. I can't believe I believed him and all the BS crap his said. I just don't want to hurt anymore. This was the exact reason why I didn't get close to anyone and I told him that. I told him how much I have been hurt in the past and he kept pushing. He kept trying. And now, I'm all by myself, with no one to talk to and no one to make me feel better.

[Lurkeraspect]

I feel like a horrible person writing this. I never thought I'd be in this position, but here I am.

 

I haven't seriously dated someone in YEARS. When I was younger, I kept going through a string of relationships with guys who treated me SO bad. That, and being on my own and single for years now, it takes a lot for me to open up to a guy romantically.

 

Back at the end of May, I met this guy named Aaron through a mutual friend. We were playing in a softball tournament and both on the same team. Aaron was very sarcastic and things he said jokingly made me laugh. We played all day and after the tournament was over, aaron, myself, my friend Brittany and her boyfriend Steve (Aaron's good friend), went and got dinner. At dinner, Aaron kept asking me questions about my life. I think that was what started my attraction towards him. The guys I had previously dated never really asked about my life. It was nice that someone wanted to get to know me. After dinner, we all went to a bar. We split up and Brittany and Steven went in one car and Aaron and I went in mine. Without going into crazy detail, the rest of the night continued with alcohol and LOTS of flirting between Aaron and I. It ended with me at his place and we ended up sleeping together.

 

After that, I found out he was seeing someone however, it was passed off as "casual" to me. Aaron continued to pursue me. He would contact me every day, asking me questions and being sarcastic. It wasn't until I saw that he was tagged in a picture with his GIRLFRIEND that I got really mad. I told him that we were not going to continue the all day flirting, etc. and that we would ONLY be friends. That is when he started saying things like "I don't only want sex from you. Get that through your head" or "What if I broke up with my girlfriend and asked you out?". He said he wanted to get to know me.

 

I went with the friend thing but the more we hung out, the more the chemistry built. He would always ask me to hang out and I would agree. We would get dinner or walk his dog and although we didn't do anything sexual, or even romantically, the attraction and chemistry was so obviously there. We texted every day.

 

And then, it turned sexual. We would go out with Brittany and Steve and drink and end up back at his place.

 

It wasn't until a few weekends ago that I got really upset and flipped out on him. One Saturday, me, Aaron, Brittany and Steve went to dinner together. Aaron paid for me and the entire night felt very couple-like. We went to a bar afterwards and I, for the first time, stayed at his house that night. The next day, the 4 of us went on his boat and later that night, he asked me to go with him to a bar. He was pretty drunk from drinking all day and at one point, looked at me and said "You are really pretty without make-up". We got dinner that night but reality set in when his girlfriend called and he told me to be quiet.

 

How could I have been so stupid?! I felt like an idiot. I believed everything he said. Brittany even thought he felt something for me.

 

It all went downhill from there. He kept texting me every day. If I was short with him, he got upset. If I didn't want to hang out, he got upset. I would get drunk and tell him his treated me like crap and that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was sorry his gf didn't give him what he wanted but I wasn't going to be the fill-in girl.

 

Then one day I came out and told him I wanted to see what this was. I told him that I felt like we had too much chemistry and attraction to not even explore it. I mean, one time he said he felt way too comfortable around me. But again, like an idiot, I put myself and my feelings out there, flat out told him I wanted to try and he told me that he liked me and cared about me but I only liked the idea of him and was mad at him more than not. He told me that everything would be fine and sweet and then I'd drink and do a complete 180 and tell him I can't do this and said "Do you not think that makes me a little hesitant?"

 

I'm hurting SO bad. I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid. I can't believe I believed him and all the BS crap his said. I just don't want to hurt anymore. This was the exact reason why I didn't get close to anyone and I told him that. I told him how much I have been hurt in the past and he kept pushing. He kept trying. And now, I'm all by myself, with no one to talk to and no one to make me feel better.

 

Where is his girlfriend in all of this? She seems to never be around. You're hanging out all the time, texting non-stop, having sex at his house, etc. are you sure there is a girlfriend?

 

Also, you might want to consider laying off on the drinking, seems like everything you and Aaron did involved being drunk.

[sweetjess1951]

Where is his girlfriend in all of this? She seems to never be around. You're hanging out all the time, texting non-stop, having sex at his house, etc. are you sure there is a girlfriend?

 

Also, you might want to consider laying off on the drinking, seems like everything you and Aaron did involved being drunk.

 

The girlfriend does exist. But EVERYONE asks me the same question. He hardly ever spends time with her. He spends more time with me and talking to me than her. I asked Brittany and Steve about her. Steve said he's met her twice. The first time she was fine but the second she started acting like she was better, "entitled". Brittany said the same. One night I was hanging out with Aaron and Steve and Steve said they were on the rocks, that they had gotten in a fight at dinner the night before. Another night when Aaron and I were at dinner, he asked me how to break up with someone. He said that she just acted like whatever. But then he also made this comment that he wanted to break up with her but then when she would pull away, that would make him want to stay. But she literally NEVER comes around. It's the strangest relationship.

 

And I do want to clarify that not everything involves alcohol. I just didn't want to tell all the stories of us hanging out that weren't exactly relevant to the gory.

[Lurkeraspect]

The girlfriend does exist. But EVERYONE asks me the same question. He hardly ever spends time with her. He spends more time with me and talking to me than her. I asked Brittany and Steve about her. Steve said he's met her twice. The first time she was fine but the second she started acting like she was better, "entitled". Brittany said the same. One night I was hanging out with Aaron and Steve and Steve said they were on the rocks, that they had gotten in a fight at dinner the night before. Another night when Aaron and I were at dinner, he asked me how to break up with someone. He said that she just acted like whatever. But then he also made this comment that he wanted to break up with her but then when she would pull away, that would make him want to stay. But she literally NEVER comes around. It's the strangest relationship.

 

And I do want to clarify that not everything involves alcohol. I just didn't want to tell all the stories of us hanging out that weren't exactly relevant to the gory.

 

This whole relationship you've described, reminds me of Jr. high. I think I dated Aaron in the 10th grade. I'd suggest dumping this guy as he sounds very immature and conflict avoidant, with a big side of player.

[Grapesofwrath]

It wasn't until I saw that he was tagged in a picture with his GIRLFRIEND that I got really mad. I told him that we were not going to continue the all day flirting, etc. and that we would ONLY be friends. That is when he started saying things like "I don't only want sex from you. Get that through your head" or "What if I broke up with my girlfriend and asked you out?". He said he wanted to get to know me.

 

 

What was your response when he asked you this question? I think you were headed in the right direction here. If he broke up with his girlfriend and then asked you out, you could get to know each other and find out what you have without that added complication.

 

He isn't married and they don't live together. So if he wants to be with you, breaking up with her doesn't seem too difficult. He just has to be a man and step up. I would suggest you establish that boundary.

 

His assertion that your anger at him when you drink is what causes him not to take action is a bit manipulative. I don't think that's what is holding him back. Something else makes him hesitate, however, and that is worth a deeper discussion. There could be many things: History with the girlfriend, family involvement, concern that she would not handle a break-up well, and many others. I would suggest talking about your feelings for each other when you are sober. It seems that when you drink, things get out of control and you follow your impulses without thinking through to the consequences.

 

Also...I would advise you not to use names on this site, or any other. Just seems risky to me, assuming these are their real names.

[sweetjess1951]

What was your response when he asked you this question? I think you were headed in the right direction here. If he broke up with his girlfriend and then asked you out, you could get to know each other and find out what you have without that added complication.

 

He isn't married and they don't live together. So if he wants to be with you, breaking up with her doesn't seem too difficult. He just has to be a man and step up. I would suggest you establish that boundary.

 

His assertion that your anger at him when you drink is what causes him not to take action is a bit manipulative. I don't think that's what is holding him back. Something else makes him hesitate, however, and that is worth a deeper discussion. There could be many things: History with the girlfriend, family involvement, concern that she would not handle a break-up well, and many others. I would suggest talking about your feelings for each other when you are sober. It seems that when you drink, things get out of control and you follow your impulses without thinking through to the consequences.

 

Also...I would advise you not to use names on this site, or any other. Just seems risky to me, assuming these are their real names.

 

They aren't really names

 

I've always thought that there was something holding him back. Britt thinks the same. She said it's very clear he has feelings for me. I've always wondered if his feelings for me scare him. His comment about being waaaay too comfortable with me makes me wonder. I said something to him about having a girlfriend and how this is all messed up and he said "I didn't plan this. Everything was fine and then you came along". He's said he has a hard time breaking up with someone because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. But then I'm hurting.

 

I told him in one of our last conversations that I told him he says these things like how I'm a great girl and he likes me and cares about me but I'm only as good enough to be a friend. He said "I never said that. I don't know you as a girlfriend".

 

When he asked me that question I said I didn't know. And then said too much pressure. It was so early in the situation and I was scared. I didn't know how I felt.

[sandylee1]

I'd be a bit worried about starting a proper relationship with him because he's clearly cheating with no remorse, but I would send him a message saying "please do not contact me until you've ended things with your GF. Not even as friends " . Then block his number. If he wants to get in touch he has your mutual friends to go through.

 

He seems to love the thrill of it all TBH. When his girlfriend pulls away, he wants her more. Some people only want what they can't have. It's a challenge. You need to show you're not just there to be used by him. Don't make yourself available for him and if he later says he's done with her, ask for proof. Or ask her number and call to verify.

 

It really seems like you guys are all quite young and he's just having fun playing the field. None of this is serious for him at all. It's playing games and you're the only one getting hurt.

 

I suggest you think about how it's damaging you.

[whichwayisup]

Stop fooling around and having sex with him completely, stop believing his words. Bottom line is, he still has a girlfriend and if he wants you in his life then he needs to end it with her first and stop spending so much time bonding with you. You are getting hurt and a funky unhealthy dynamic is being built, one that could carry over IF you two do end up as a couple.

[the_artist_1970]

I feel like a horrible person writing this. I never thought I'd be in this position, but here I am.

 

I haven't seriously dated someone in YEARS. When I was younger, I kept going through a string of relationships with guys who treated me SO bad. That, and being on my own and single for years now, it takes a lot for me to open up to a guy romantically.

 

Back at the end of May, I met this guy named Aaron through a mutual friend. We were playing in a softball tournament and both on the same team. Aaron was very sarcastic and things he said jokingly made me laugh. We played all day and after the tournament was over, aaron, myself, my friend Brittany and her boyfriend Steve (Aaron's good friend), went and got dinner. At dinner, Aaron kept asking me questions about my life. I think that was what started my attraction towards him. The guys I had previously dated never really asked about my life. It was nice that someone wanted to get to know me. After dinner, we all went to a bar. We split up and Brittany and Steven went in one car and Aaron and I went in mine. Without going into crazy detail, the rest of the night continued with alcohol and LOTS of flirting between Aaron and I. It ended with me at his place and we ended up sleeping together.

 

After that, I found out he was seeing someone however, it was passed off as "casual" to me. Aaron continued to pursue me. He would contact me every day, asking me questions and being sarcastic. It wasn't until I saw that he was tagged in a picture with his GIRLFRIEND that I got really mad. I told him that we were not going to continue the all day flirting, etc. and that we would ONLY be friends. That is when he started saying things like "I don't only want sex from you. Get that through your head" or "What if I broke up with my girlfriend and asked you out?". He said he wanted to get to know me.

 

I went with the friend thing but the more we hung out, the more the chemistry built. He would always ask me to hang out and I would agree. We would get dinner or walk his dog and although we didn't do anything sexual, or even romantically, the attraction and chemistry was so obviously there. We texted every day.

 

And then, it turned sexual. We would go out with Brittany and Steve and drink and end up back at his place.

 

It wasn't until a few weekends ago that I got really upset and flipped out on him. One Saturday, me, Aaron, Brittany and Steve went to dinner together. Aaron paid for me and the entire night felt very couple-like. We went to a bar afterwards and I, for the first time, stayed at his house that night. The next day, the 4 of us went on his boat and later that night, he asked me to go with him to a bar. He was pretty drunk from drinking all day and at one point, looked at me and said "You are really pretty without make-up". We got dinner that night but reality set in when his girlfriend called and he told me to be quiet.

 

How could I have been so stupid?! I felt like an idiot. I believed everything he said. Brittany even thought he felt something for me.

 

It all went downhill from there. He kept texting me every day. If I was short with him, he got upset. If I didn't want to hang out, he got upset. I would get drunk and tell him his treated me like crap and that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was sorry his gf didn't give him what he wanted but I wasn't going to be the fill-in girl.

 

Then one day I came out and told him I wanted to see what this was. I told him that I felt like we had too much chemistry and attraction to not even explore it. I mean, one time he said he felt way too comfortable around me. But again, like an idiot, I put myself and my feelings out there, flat out told him I wanted to try and he told me that he liked me and cared about me but I only liked the idea of him and was mad at him more than not. He told me that everything would be fine and sweet and then I'd drink and do a complete 180 and tell him I can't do this and said "Do you not think that makes me a little hesitant?"

 

I'm hurting SO bad. I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid. I can't believe I believed him and all the BS crap his said. I just don't want to hurt anymore. This was the exact reason why I didn't get close to anyone and I told him that. I told him how much I have been hurt in the past and he kept pushing. He kept trying. And now, I'm all by myself, with no one to talk to and no one to make me feel better.

 

You sound very young. Here is some great advice. Do not have sex unless you are in a confirmed relationship and you both agree that you are monogamous. No one outside of yourself is going to make you feel better about yourself. Only you can do that by forcing yourself to believe that you deserve only the best. If you don't learn to value yourself more you will continue down this path of self destruction that you are on.