LDR Bf to Friends?

[ThePatientOne]

Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I want to get some opinions from some people which is why I joined. Hope you all can help me out

 

My LDR bf of 6 months just recently broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying that he just wants to be friends and because "it's just him". I am from Australia and he is from Portugal and we are both 21 y/o. We met through an online game, talked every single day and have seen each other on webcam as well. We both loved and cared for each other very much throughout the whole 6 months and we rarely fought. The catch is, a few days before he decided to break up, he has been telling me how stressed he was because his best friend is going through a very hard time. He is a very caring person especially towards his friends and I know for a fact that I would understand if he needed the space so he can help them. During that time, I would be my clingy self since we did not talk much when the situation with his bestfriend happened. I would be asking "When are you gonna message? When are you gonna call? What time are you getting home?" then after I did that, he pulled back from me and avoided contact. I knew something was up then afterwards he told me that he wants to be friends. Fyi this was his first serious relationship.

 

We were planning to see each other in 2 months as well so that puts my hopes down. Our communication at the moment is on and off, just through text messaging. I do not message him every single day begging to get back together, I have only been randomly messaging him. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't. Starting from today I am going to apply the no contact rule so not I could only improve myself but also to give him time to think about his decision as well.

 

What I want to know is if he really wants to be friends only? I have asked advice from others as well and they say to give him time and make him miss you. A mutual friend that knows him in person as well said that it's not the end of us and that the "show must go on". I was also thinking of doing a surprise visit to him in Portugal because maybe his views will change. What do you guys think? I just really want to get back with him because I have a feeling that this relationship is still worth fighting for.

[madjac74]

Move on and don't fight for it. He broke up with you so he could test the "local" waters. It's very easy to blow off an LDR when some local potential comes around especially when you are only 21 and full of hormones. I don't mean to be a downer but why would he just up and breakup with you with no good reason?

[ThePatientOne]

Move on and don't fight for it. He broke up with you so he could test the "local" waters. It's very easy to blow off an LDR when some local potential comes around especially when you are only 21 and full of hormones. I don't mean to be a downer but why would he just up and breakup with you with no good reason?

 

That could be a possibility, yes. Thing is tho he is not that type of person to just blow me off like that. He is very reserved, really friendly in general and honest from what I have seen when me and him were together. I am still very confused by the reason because it is unclear, I just really want to ask him what the actual reason is. He says he wants to be friends yet he doesn't communicate.

[madjac74]

That could be a possibility, yes. Thing is tho he is not that type of person to just blow me off like that. He is very reserved, really friendly in general and honest from what I have seen when me and him were together. I am still very confused by the reason because it is unclear, I just really want to ask him what the actual reason is. He says he wants to be friends yet he doesn't communicate.

 

No disrespect dear but you have only known him 6 months and it was all LDR...so you really don't know what type of guy he is.

[Brokenmech]

I have had 3 long distance "relationships" in my lifetime (I'm 39) and all of them have ultimately failed.

 

This is only my personal opinion but until you actually meet the person and spend as much time as possible with them then it isn't a real relationship but all fantasy. Quite often your "idea" of them is what you fall in love with but when you meet the reality is very different. It took me a long time to realize this but for the most part it's true.

 

In a LDR you only know parts of someone's life, not the whole. It's very easy to turn someone off in a LDR, you can't do that in real life. Then there is also the issue of eventually moving to another country, because in the end relationships are about being together day in, day out... give and take etc...

 

I'm sorry this doesn't appear to have worked out for you, my opinion is you should do yourself a favor and meet someone locally.

[justwhoiam]

Hope you all can help me out

I'll try. Welcome to the LS forums.

 

My LDR bf of 6 months just recently broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying that he just wants to be friends and because "it's just him".

In short, that means you want a relationship, but he doesn't. A relationship requires commitment & devotion, and he backed out. For whatever reason. And since it takes two to be in a relationship, there's nothing you can do, if he doesn't want it. The possible reasons might be numerous: difficulty of meeting up, consequent rare occasions to be together in person, visits would be spaced out a lot, visiting each other would require a LOT of money (Australia - Portugal), also Portugal is a low-income country in general (on average, around $1,000 per moth if you're lucky enough to have a job).

 

We were planning to see each other in 2 months as well so that puts my hopes down.

That might be one of the reasons for the breakup too. It was about to get real. And commitment requires effort. Maybe he sort of freaked out, getting into a situation... falling in love with you, then getting drama from the distance, etc.

 

Our communication at the moment is on and off, just through text messaging. I do not message him every single day begging to get back together, I have only been randomly messaging him. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't. Starting from today I am going to apply the no contact rule so not I could only improve myself but also to give him time to think about his decision as well.

Good. Leave him alone.

 

he really wants to be friends only?

Give him time to figure that out by himself. Stop being online playing games. Go out. Do other things. Enjoy the summer. Disappear for a while from online.

 

I have asked advice from others as well and they say to give him time and make him miss you.

Well, pestering him will rarely work. Also being virtually stuck on him like you are is not good. Think about it. You want him to want you. Nothing less than that will work in the long run. You'd be unhappy, unsatisfied.

 

I was also thinking of doing a surprise visit to him in Portugal because maybe his views will change. What do you guys think?

That would be quite pushing. I did something similar when my guy was going through depression after losing his job, but it was different, because we had been together for quite some time already, we had met multiple times too, and we had been talking for years by then. The fact that he's backing out BEFORE meeting you in person is a clear message and you cannot ignore it. To sustain a LDR, it takes balls, patience, energy. If this is the start, then you need to let go, because it'd mean just pain for you.

 

I just really want to get back with him because I have a feeling that this relationship is still worth fighting for.

 

he wants to be friends yet he doesn't communicate.

He means casual friends. Like no big deal. You can talk once in a while. But now, you need to let go.

[Lois_Griffin]

That could be a possibility, yes. Thing is tho he is not that type of person to just blow me off like that. He is very reserved, really friendly in general and honest from what I have seen when me and him were together. I am still very confused by the reason because it is unclear, I just really want to ask him what the actual reason is. He says he wants to be friends yet he doesn't communicate.

You only know the online person he CHOSE to show you.

 

He's a 21 year old boy who wants to experience REAL life, not a fantasy computer 'relationship' that really does nothing for him but keep him tied to a 'commitment' to someone he's never even MET - while he watches his life pass him right on by.

 

There was a time your computer relationship fulfilled something for him when he had no other options. But that's changed because now he DOES.

 

Chances are extremely high he's met someone. And when it comes down to it, he'd rather have a real life flesh and blood romance with someone he can actually touch and be with physically, instead of a fantasy computer relationship conducted primarily over Skype.

 

As someone else said - he's a young guy full of hormones and dying to spread his wings and experience life. Is it really THAT much of a surprise?

 

He just doesn't want to hurt your feelings and admit he's met someone so he's doing the slow fade on you, instead. Even though it's the natural order of things, he still feels like a low down jackass for ditching you the minute he had other options, so he's NOT going to hurt your feelings and tell you. But he's met someone.

 

I hope you do the same - in real life, not on Skype.

[ThePatientOne]

Thanks a lot for all your advice guys! I actually just talked to him today through message asking him what the real reason was on why he broke up with me. He only said he "just couldn't keep up" and tells me to "try understand him". I said it's not even a clear and proper reason so I ask "why can't you keep up? Is it the trip that's pressuring you?" Then he replies "Just forget about me seriously, please". After that, I decided I'll move on from this situation. I cannot have someone who's not honest with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks a lot for all your advice guys! I actually just talked to him today through message asking him what the real reason was on why he broke up with me. He only said he "just couldn't keep up" and tells me to "try understand him". I said it's not even a clear and proper reason so I ask "why can't you keep up? Is it the trip that's pressuring you?" Then he replies "Just forget about me seriously, please". After that, I decided I'll move on from this situation. I cannot have someone who's not honest with me.

 

Follow his advice.

 

For whatever reason - distance, a local girl, etc - he no longer wishes to continue this. I think he sees this isn't a very realistic prospect with you living so far away from each other and never having met. You don't really know him. You know only what he chooses to show you when he's online.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you define "boyfriend"? I mean that as a sincere question, and I ask because I can't imagine calling myself the girlfriend of someone I'd never laid eyes on in person. What do you believe a healthy relationship consists of? I don't mean to be condescending at all; I'd really like to hear your answers to these questions, as I'd think it'd help all of us understand your frame of mind a bit more.

[ThePatientOne]

Follow his advice.

 

For whatever reason - distance, a local girl, etc - he no longer wishes to continue this. I think he sees this isn't a very realistic prospect with you living so far away from each other and never having met. You don't really know him. You know only what he chooses to show you when he's online.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you define "boyfriend"? I mean that as a sincere question, and I ask because I can't imagine calling myself the girlfriend of someone I'd never laid eyes on in person. What do you believe a healthy relationship consists of? I don't mean to be condescending at all; I'd really like to hear your answers to these questions, as I'd think it'd help all of us understand your frame of mind a bit more.

 

I agree with that statement. The distance may be a major issue especially that it requires a lot of money to travel from here all the way to Portugal. Well in my opinion, I consider someone my boyfriend if our feelings towards each are the same. All comes under respect, understanding, communication, support and care as well. He showed those qualities and I felt it but they faded during the 6th month. However, the physical side of it is important which was why I wanted to meet up with him in 2 months time. I have been in a 2 year relationship a few years back to someone I met locally so I know what basic qualities are needed for a healthy relationship.

[Els]

Whatever the reason may be, I think you should take him for his word and move on. Your friends are wrong - there is no reason why you should fight singlehandedly for 'the show to go on' when your co-star is clearly not interested in that! LDRs can work, but quite rarely and only when both people are determined to make it work, which is clearly not the case here.

 

Definitely go no contact. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I'm sure you'll be fine. All the best!

[kitkatleen]

Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I want to get some opinions from some people which is why I joined. Hope you all can help me out

 

My LDR bf of 6 months just recently broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying that he just wants to be friends and because "it's just him". I am from Australia and he is from Portugal and we are both 21 y/o. We met through an online game, talked every single day and have seen each other on webcam as well. We both loved and cared for each other very much throughout the whole 6 months and we rarely fought. The catch is, a few days before he decided to break up, he has been telling me how stressed he was because his best friend is going through a very hard time. He is a very caring person especially towards his friends and I know for a fact that I would understand if he needed the space so he can help them. During that time, I would be my clingy self since we did not talk much when the situation with his bestfriend happened. I would be asking "When are you gonna message? When are you gonna call? What time are you getting home?" then after I did that, he pulled back from me and avoided contact. I knew something was up then afterwards he told me that he wants to be friends. Fyi this was his first serious relationship.

 

We were planning to see each other in 2 months as well so that puts my hopes down. Our communication at the moment is on and off, just through text messaging. I do not message him every single day begging to get back together, I have only been randomly messaging him. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't. Starting from today I am going to apply the no contact rule so not I could only improve myself but also to give him time to think about his decision as well.

 

What I want to know is if he really wants to be friends only? I have asked advice from others as well and they say to give him time and make him miss you. A mutual friend that knows him in person as well said that it's not the end of us and that the "show must go on". I was also thinking of doing a surprise visit to him in Portugal because maybe his views will change. What do you guys think? I just really want to get back with him because I have a feeling that this relationship is still worth fighting for.

 

I'm almost in the same situation as you. Around a month before he fly over to come see me, he broke up with me. He fell out of love. And now 4 months later, we are back to being friends. He loves me but not in the romantically way. I know it's hard. But he told me that he had actually fell out of love 2 months before the break up and he was just waiting for me to notice it. It's selfish but he couldn't bear to hurt me. I'm sure distance play a big part and all these are just a fantasy. We have never interacted so i think it's not realistic too.

 

My advice is don't go on a surprise trip, you might see him hanging out with a new girlfriend etc. When someone wants out from the relationship, nothing can stop them. Well go No contact to heal yourself, not give him time to miss you. I tried doing low contact, it doesn't work. I went no contact straight for a few weeks and my feelings changed as well.

 

Now we are back to being best friends, i'm still the most important girl to him (i'm his first gf/love). I know it sucks because i don't know how i feel for him now but i know that he's just a person i cared about deeply.

So going no contact is really important.

 

He is still young, so are you. LDR is hard to maintain. Take advice from all the people here, they are really good! If only i listened to their advices from a long time back, i would take way faster to heal.

[ThePatientOne]

I'm almost in the same situation as you. Around a month before he fly over to come see me, he broke up with me. He fell out of love. And now 4 months later, we are back to being friends. He loves me but not in the romantically way. I know it's hard. But he told me that he had actually fell out of love 2 months before the break up and he was just waiting for me to notice it. It's selfish but he couldn't bear to hurt me. I'm sure distance play a big part and all these are just a fantasy. We have never interacted so i think it's not realistic too.

 

My advice is don't go on a surprise trip, you might see him hanging out with a new girlfriend etc. When someone wants out from the relationship, nothing can stop them. Well go No contact to heal yourself, not give him time to miss you. I tried doing low contact, it doesn't work. I went no contact straight for a few weeks and my feelings changed as well.

 

Now we are back to being best friends, i'm still the most important girl to him (i'm his first gf/love). I know it sucks because i don't know how i feel for him now but i know that he's just a person i cared about deeply.

So going no contact is really important.

 

He is still young, so are you. LDR is hard to maintain. Take advice from all the people here, they are really good! If only i listened to their advices from a long time back, i would take way faster to heal.

 

Thankyou so much for sharing your experience and helpful advice! I am glad that I know someone who is in a similar situation as me

Edited July 27, 2015 by ThePatientOne