Getting a second chance - my journey

[Adina]

Hello everyone. I visited this forum and i really wanted to make talk about my situation and my journey into getting my lover back into my life. I 100% believe this is a fixable relationship and i would love to start fresh.

 

My boyfriend of 7 months wanted separation from me almost a month ago. It wasn.t like "i want to break up with you" but rather a "i don.t know to do with us anymore/i don.t know what to offer you anymore". He even said he somehow wished i had done something so he had a reason but i didn.t which made him feel even more bad. This separation was because of really high work stress + me because i didn.t know how to react.

 

A knew from thr beginning he will come back, a strong gut feeling. A week after the break up or even less than a week he wanted to go have dinner. He expected it to be awkward but it was quite beautiful since i felt so happy and confident. He was happy to see this. He began bathing me with shy compliments. He put his hand on mine etc. He was pretty loving (+hugs).

 

His birthday comes. I texted him a few days earlier to set a time when to see him and wish happy birthday. He said he will be out of the city. I was like "ok cool we.ll see each other when you come back". I called on his birthday out of politeness and apparent,y he was still in town. What started as a happy birthday call turned into a get together which lead me to spending the night at his place. Again, he bathed me with compliments, lots of hugs and kisses. He said i.m the most wonderful and warm person he EVER met.

 

Past thurstday came. He meet again. We decide to see a movie but didn.t like any of the movies at the cinema. We eat out then go at his place to watch a movie. We laugh and again, feel really good together. At one point he said "i have never ever been loved this deeply and beautifully like you did. You are the only one that deserves my love." Again the compliments bath.

 

Today i am going to see him again but this time i don.t want to become intimate with him anymore.

He told me he just wants to be by his himself for a while. He hasn.t got a girlfriend and isn.t looking. He said that he doesn.t want to let go because i.m extremely dear to him and doesn.t want to go NC (unless i want to). He also told me that the "get together" ball is in my court.

 

Let me mention that he.s not a bull****ter. I know him. If he didn.t think/feel this way, he wouldn.t have said all those things.

 

I.m confident with this.

 

Any advice is kindly welcome.

[TaraMaiden2]

Welcome to the world of FWB.

 

He wants you, he wants all the pleasure of having you, and so far, with everything he has done he has succeeded in getting you.

 

He turns on the charm, says all the things you love to hear, flicks your switches, pushes your buttons, floats your boat then gets what he wants.

 

Now, you're waking up to the sad fact you're being used.

Yes, you are, hence your comment -

 

this time i don.t want to become intimate with him anymore.

 

he wants it all his way, but with none of the commitment.

What better way to keep you where he wants you than by doing this.

 

Saying the 'get together' ball is in your court, is highly manipulative.

It is.

He knows you love him.

He knows that if it was ALL down to you, this would still be a viable, on-going relationship.

He's using your DESIRE to COMMIT, as a way of keeping you in his field of vision.

You are his comfort zone.

Like a puppy, you love unconditionally, but what you fail to realise is that, CONSCIOUSLY OR OTHERWISE - He is most definitely a Bullsh**ter.

 

he has already made it quite clear:

 

i don.t know to do with us anymore/i don.t know what to offer you anymore".

 

in other words - he doesn't see this going anywhere. he has reached the end of his load. He cannot commit and proceed any further than this.

 

But he winks, strokes your hand, says charming, loving romantic things and hey, whaddya know? between the sheets again!

 

Yers. he IS a BS'er.

 

And honey, you'd better open your eyes to the fact that despite everything you THINK you know about him - you've been had.

 

he has you as his F*ckbuddy, and FWB.

 

You need to get out now, while your resolve is strong.

When you see him again, remember: Everything he says and does, is designed to lead you into bed.

Remember that.

Resist everything, including his kisses, hugs, hand-strokes and charming words.

 

Say "NO" to everything and ask him where this is leading to. Are you guys on or off?

Put the ball in his court - and watch him squirm.

[pidgeon1010]

Tara has said it all. In your description, you left out the crucial part until the end- that you are sleeping with him. You've now become a friend with benefits. He is telling you that if you're going to put out, he'll take it but has no intention of getting back with you into a true committed relationship. I hate to say this but the chances of him coming back are slim. The relationship was over for him the day he told you he was done. Everything after that has been a **** buddy relationship. I think you're thrown off by the fact that he is sweet and takes you to dinner, etc. but make no mistake that this is in fact part of his modus operandi. He is telling you clearly that you can decide whether you want to continue the FWB but he wants to remain single. Sorry but if you're looking for a loving committed relationship, you're not going to find it with him.

[Adina]

Wow I'm ****ed

 

After reading Tara's reply I went for a walk and sat by a lake nearby and thought about all of this situation. I cried because of grief but I felt I needed to let go of all my emotions. I feel pretty good now actually, confident.

 

You're right. I know see where I have gone wrong. I'm really glad it didn't happen too many times, the hooking part that is and that I realized where the mistake was. Maybe I didn't like to admit it to myself..

 

As I said, today if we indeed meet (I'm not going to make any attempt to contact him in any way), I will tell him face 2 face what I think and feel about being taken for granted as a **** buddy and that he's a closed chapter for me because I won't accept anything less than I deserve then basically wish him the best and walk away.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh my, You GO GIRL!!!

 

Good for you!

 

Ya know, I really was a bit concerned, because of all the conviction you related in your original post about his sincerity, that I was going to receive a response full of denial, reproach, and hurt disdain, because basically, I said everything you really wouldn't want to 'hear'.

 

but you're a cool lady.

not because you're agreeing - but because you obviously have your 'big girl pants' on and you can see, now you've had an outside perspective, just what's happened.

And you're plainly a smart cookie.

The suspicion was there.

it just needed a little nudge to get your attention.

 

Good move: Do not contact him, and stay out of his 'field of vision'.

Once he realises you're not contacting him, and misses you (and not, as we now know, in a 'good' way) he will try to basically draw you back in....

 

Take it from there....

 

I wish you well.

You don't need 'luck'.

You're doing fine.

 

Let us know how you get on.

[aisuru]

Stay strong.

 

 

In the past, I have found it very easy to tell wishy-washy ex-boyfriends I do not have casual sex.

 

 

Guess how many stuck around after that? None.

[Adina]

I'm sorry I haven't updated this topic in a while. A lot happened since I last posted here and I will try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

We DID met that Sunday. I told him that this "**** buddy" thing isn't working anymore. (we had casual sex only 2 times) I told him I don't want to do it anymore. I did NOT see his reaction coming. He felt relieved and confessed that he thought that i was the one who wanted this (I was giving mixed signals, I will admit but I thought I was just playful and flirtatious). He told me with quite an amazement that he didn't know we suddenly turned into **** buddies.

 

That night he was the most loving person I ever saw. I was acting all cold and not impressed but I slowly gave in. He talked about how he thought about me and about us this time apart but didn't know what to do and that he loved me all this time and still loves me very much. He admitted that his life isn't where he wanted it to be (lack of money and lack of work progress) and asked to have a bit of patience until he gets his **** together.

 

To say that Sunday night was a absolutely marvelous night is such an understatement. I 100% felt and believed what he said to me so don't throw me off. He was honest.

 

He also confessed that the reason of our separation was the fact that when he accidentally opened Facebook on one of his laptops where I worked on some homework, i was still logged on so he could read the conversations I had with a close friend where I would tell her how miserable and ignored I feel/am and always complained. This was a HUGE plot twist that night. He said that he couldn't understand how, while he was working but still being loving and faithful, I was still complaining and that's why he got lost.

I was upset about the facebook thing but I appreciated that he told me. He also apologized.

 

Moving on...

Monday morning he lets me know that a very close friend of his (ex work colleague of mine/us also) has died in a terrible off road accident.

I sensed he was devastated so I decided to let him be but still be there for him if he needed to. He called me in the afternoon asking if I could go sleep at his place because he did not feel well and did not want to be alone.

 

I did. He thanked me and told me that me being there has made things a bit better. I slept at his place next night also, same reason.

 

At this point we were looking as we already got back together. I was happy but I decided to take things slow.

 

Yesterday we went out with his work friends and he wanted me to come also. He was also loving and even bragged to his friends with me.

 

AND I HAVE TO MENTION THAT WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX AT ALL during this time!

 

P.S. #1: When I told him Sunday night that I somehow think he's dicking around with other chicks hsi reaction once again surprised me. He said that no, he wasn't doing this: "If i knew you were sleeping around with guys, I would NOT take you back and I KNOW you would do the same if I was sleeping around" with a pretty offended face.

P.S. #2: I also have to mention that i somehow feel powerful this time. I know I can do my own thing and he can do his and we'll be alright with this space between us.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Adina