Things xMM said

[beach]

thank u.

 

as someone said, he s an emotional basket case. this conversation didn t change anything though. he s not ready, he s not ready. a good question would be : will he ever be ready?

 

Actions show intent.

 

Since he isn't moving mountains to be with you - he's not ready.

 

And he may never be ready. But don't waste time waiting...

 

 

He's making it clear he isn't changing a thing.

 

 

He offers you nothing.

 

 

All his empty words and double talk is a load of crap. You're so used to looking at his load of crap - he's actually got you thinking that he cares. I don't see that he's caring about you and your feelings... It looks like he cares about himself.

 

 

I hope you stay NC.

[Arieswoman]

What he is doing is called an emotional escape.

He uses anger to deflect you away from speaking about stuff he doesn't want to speak about.

Once he has you back to normal or even apologising to him, he is off the hook. It was not real anger it was just a mask he put on to steer you away from the awkward questions.

 

You see this a lot on "Cheaters".

 

Once the cheaters are exposed the girls start crying to make their man feel sorry for them and the guys get mad.

[elaine567]

He also did a lot of re-writing history, what was said by me, which never was. He would repeat something I supposedly said back to me, and I know for a fact I never said it. Very odd. He would also say he told me things, "remember I told you.. you don't listen", but again, he never told me. It was all very, very stressful for me.

~

 

Google "gaslighting" - for anyone who isn't aware of the term.

[HappyAgain2014]

thanks for your post.

 

as i stated, i ended the affair. not because i was feeling unloved or dishonoured. i felt loved. he was never disrespectful. we had a great communication. he cared for me.

 

i didn t feel secure or prioritized. i did not end it because he was bad with me or we didn t get along. on the contrary, i just ended it because it wasn t going anywhere. i wanted to have all this but not to share with his W. i can share him with his kids, but not with his W anymore.

 

this kind of confusion he has (from our conversations) became a confusion to me also. somehow it gave me hope knowing that he feels this way. him not doing anything about it well, that s another story. i am in no power to change his life. what was in my hands (so to speak) i did. i just wanna heal and be myself again. if he changes his mind, he knows where to find me

 

I'm truly not criticizing you. My intention is to help you see where you need to shift your thinking to truly move on.

 

That being said, your statement above says a lot. Even if you end it, you're still waiting on him. You could end all contact but if you have the mindset that he can change his mind and come back, he's still in control. If he knows you feel this way, I'd expect him to come back fairly soon with a vague timeline. That will get him what he wants by making you think you are getting progress.

 

Take it from someone who's been there, that's when real disaster happens.

[MyNameIsNotSusan]

i wanted to have all this but not to share with his W. i can share him with his kids, but not with his W anymore.

 

 

You broke the rules in his cheaters playbook and now he doesn't know what drawer to put you in.

[Dela]

I'm truly not criticizing you. My intention is to help you see where you need to shift your thinking to truly move on.

 

That being said, your statement above says a lot. Even if you end it, you're still waiting on him. You could end all contact but if you have the mindset that he can change his mind and come back, he's still in control. If he knows you feel this way, I'd expect him to come back fairly soon with a vague timeline. That will get him what he wants by making you think you are getting progress.

 

Take it from someone who's been there, that's when real disaster happens.

 

 

u re right. Even if you end it, you're still waiting on him.

 

i m not sure if he knows it, i didn t say it to him and i m still in NC and plan to keep it this way. he didn t give me any timeline in our conversation, there was no mention of it. not trying to lure me in also. he said that HE S NOT READY!

 

it seems like he agreed with the break up, he s not contacting me, he told me that if i ever need to talk to him he will be there (so there s nothing about what he said that makes me think he ll come with a timeline and so...)

but who knows? it s good to know that this can happen

[elaine567]

I'm truly not criticizing you. My intention is to help you see where you need to shift your thinking to truly move on.

 

That being said, your statement above says a lot. Even if you end it, you're still waiting on him. You could end all contact but if you have the mindset that he can change his mind and come back, he's still in control. If he knows you feel this way, I'd expect him to come back fairly soon with a vague timeline. That will get him what he wants by making you think you are getting progress.

 

Take it from someone who's been there, that's when real disaster happens.

I agree this is not, "moving on" this is, "Hope he changes his mind" which is entirely different.

One leads to healing, the other leads to anticipation, frustration, sadness, bargaining, resignation, acceptance and then a resumption of the affair.

[HappyAgain2014]

u re right. Even if you end it, you're still waiting on him.

 

i m not sure if he knows it, i didn t say it to him and i m still in NC and plan to keep it this way. he didn t give me any timeline in our conversation, there was no mention of it. not trying to lure me in also. he said that HE S NOT READY!

 

it seems like he agreed with the break up, he s not contacting me, he told me that if i ever need to talk to him he will be there (so there s nothing about what he said that makes me think he ll come with a timeline and so...)

but who knows? it s good to know that this can happen

 

He knows it. If you share any of your pain with him, he knows he is still taking up the space in your heart and mind. Your former AP can't be a person of support after an affair ends.

 

I'm not suggesting you date but you need to occupy your time with other people to regain some normalcy. If you spend all of your time thinking about him and the affair, you won't move forward. For those who like to call this recovery, you'd can't expect that when you're constantly replaying the affair in your head.

 

You have to decide to not give him any more space in your head. Figure out what else to fill it with but choosing nothing is choosing to be stuck. It doesn't get better with time. It gets better because you decide to stop investing energy in it.

[Dela]

He knows it. If you share any of your pain with him, he knows he is still taking up the space in your heart and mind. Your former AP can't be a person of support after an affair ends.

 

I'm not suggesting you date but you need to occupy your time with other people to regain some normalcy. If you spend all of your time thinking about him and the affair, you won't move forward. For those who like to call this recovery, you'd can't expect that when you're constantly replaying the affair in your head.

 

You have to decide to not give him any more space in your head. Figure out what else to fill it with but choosing nothing is choosing to be stuck. It doesn't get better with time. It gets better because you decide to stop investing energy in it.

 

 

i know. but it s only been a week.

 

i m going thru many many feelings and state of mind: i miss him, i hate him, i love him, i have hope than i don t ETC.

 

it s been hard. still is. NC is helping though. thanks so much for ur posts.

[HappyAgain2014]

I agree this is not, "moving on" this is, "Hope he changes his mind" which is entirely different.

One leads to healing, the other leads to anticipation, frustration, sadness, bargaining, resignation, acceptance and then a resumption of the affair.

 

Agreed. Generally, OWs enter an affair believing their MM has a decision to make at some point. Clearly he must be unhappy to be in an affair and she will make him happy so the decision will be easy. He will get a divorce.

 

So then emotions get involved and she gets to a point where she knows she can't keep doing this. She accepts that she's waiting for him to make a decision (he won't) and she bargains with herself about being selfish and buys his crap about how important his children are to him.

 

Then she ends the affair. She's heartbroken and questions the outcome if she had just waited a little longer. If she could be more understanding. If she could put his children first. After all, this man is so tormented with loving her and being a great dad who can't stand the idea of one night away from his children. This man who has endured a shrew for a wife who denies him kinky sex and never pays attention to him.

 

So he tells his OW he will sacrifice her because he loves her and knows she deserves more. He has to be the great dad. He has to stay with the shrew because she will take all his money and keep his children away from him. If his OW could just wait until the youngest graduates from high school, they'd be together forever.

 

Then MM comes back and tells his OW he can't live without her. In a relatively short period of time, he's done a 180 and she is number one. All she needs to do is stand by him and help him get through this. She needs to be understanding. He can't be honest and just blurt out that he wants a divorce. He has to help his wife and children to transition. His OW surely understands this. He tells her how much he loves her for her understanding, patience, and support.

 

Then the timeline keeps getting pushed, excuses are told, and it's never the right time to tell his wife. The OW can't criticize any of this without sounding selfish. He is doing all of this for his OW and she just doesn't understand the pressure. He doesn't need this lack of support. It's all too much. He needs more time.

 

It may be dramatic but all of the above is fairly accurate. Sadly, it reads like a sick fairytale. Timelines are not synonymous with plans of action. Too often, they are simply intended to buy time. For the OW, a timeline seems like a real investment. If she thought it was bad before this supposed decision that led to a timeline, she has no idea how bad it will be after. That's when the real emotional investment starts.

 

If a MM gives a timeline, the best thing to do is tell him to contact you when the divorce is final. Staying with him usually creates a cake eater.

[MyNameIsNotSusan]

When you are feeling down, think back to how you felt right before you got disgusted enough to break up with him. You weren't happy. You were unfulfilled. You were getting the crumbs. You were waiting for him all the time it seemed. He was having way more fun than you were. You had someone there, but even after the best intimate moments, you would eventually feel very alone, even a little bit regretful because the fact is, he went home to his wife. These are your choices, stay NC and move on with someone new (even if its a rebound relationship, so what), or go back to living that 1/2 a life, well really 1/8 of a life with a man you have to share and wait around for and who deep down, destroys your self esteem.

 

By the way, you and I have eerily similar situations, and if I can do this, YOU CAN TOO! I hope you have someone to talk to. I know it can be very difficult, especially when we have formed such an emotional connection with our XMM. It is very difficult to lose. I struggle with that piece the most.

[Southern Sun]

thank u. yes, they might care and love but what good does this make for us?

things are how they are...

 

i am taking care of me. it s been 8 days since the break up and i feel a little better. crying has become less and less, i think i m getting used to the situation. i ve been thru worse so i m used to it. i m trying to make this drama into a good thing. i started a diet, trying to lose 5 kilos and as soon as i feel better i will start going to the gym. i m working on myself!

 

ru NC? how are u feeling?

 

Yes, totally NC, but I just see it as over. I am married though which puts a different spin on things.

 

It was hard at first. He broke NC a few times with nothing but words that confused me. He missed me but nothing was different. He propositioned me too and would lead me to believe there was more when there wasn't. I thought we could have an "agreeable" NC, but ended up having to just block him.

[Hope Shimmers]

On another note, he sounds like an emotional basket case. He wants you but he isn't strong enough to do the things necessary to keep you.

 

Completely typical.

[NewLeaf512]

When you are feeling down, think back to how you felt right before you got disgusted enough to break up with him. You weren't happy. You were unfulfilled. You were getting the crumbs. You were waiting for him all the time it seemed. He was having way more fun than you were. You had someone there, but even after the best intimate moments, you would eventually feel very alone, even a little bit regretful because the fact is, he went home to his wife. These are your choices, stay NC and move on with someone new (even if its a rebound relationship, so what), or go back to living that 1/2 a life, well really 1/8 of a life with a man you have to share and wait around for and who deep down, destroys your self esteem.

 

By the way, you and I have eerily similar situations, and if I can do this, YOU CAN TOO! I hope you have someone to talk to. I know it can be very difficult, especially when we have formed such an emotional connection with our XMM. It is very difficult to lose. I struggle with that piece the most.

 

I really like this post. This is about sharing coping activities and suggestions like Satu did for me. Tough love is ok, however I remember vividly the first week after my A ended. Although my situation is a bit different, MyNameIsNotSusan gives good advice to Dela about reflecting back through the dregs and using that hurt to build a foundation to move forward. What might be helpful as well would be if different OW could reflect back to the first week after their A ended. What was it that got you through it ? That way perhaps Dela can use the benefit of your experience. I'll start.

 

My first few days I was stunned. Literally could not believe it. I tried not to think about it. It was pretty pervasive. I needed to do some work and look for work. I set my phone alarm for an hourly alarm followed by a 15 minute then an hour and then 15 all day. I'd search for a new role for an hour which required concentration, including making phone calls. During the 15 minutes, I'd drink water or tea. A piece of fruit. Have a pity wallow. Then back to work/ job search.

 

I also did not allow myself to listen to sad music.

 

Dela you will be ok.

[Dela]

I really like this post. This is about sharing coping activities and suggestions like Satu did for me. Tough love is ok, however I remember vividly the first week after my A ended. Although my situation is a bit different, MyNameIsNotSusan gives good advice to Dela about reflecting back through the dregs and using that hurt to build a foundation to move forward. What might be helpful as well would be if different OW could reflect back to the first week after their A ended. What was it that got you through it ? That way perhaps Dela can use the benefit of your experience. I'll start.

 

My first few days I was stunned. Literally could not believe it. I tried not to think about it. It was pretty pervasive. I needed to do some work and look for work. I set my phone alarm for an hourly alarm followed by a 15 minute then an hour and then 15 all day. I'd search for a new role for an hour which required concentration, including making phone calls. During the 15 minutes, I'd drink water or tea. A piece of fruit. Have a pity wallow. Then back to work/ job search.

 

I also did not allow myself to listen to sad music.

 

Dela you will be ok.

 

 

thank you i know i will, we will all be ok.

 

i know me hoping for a miracle is not the way to go, but for now, it s how i cope. if this keeps me NC then by all means, i ll keep hoping (lol)

 

this hope doesn t make me wanna go back on the A. no way

 

it is hard, especially the first week. depending on how deep the affair was, it s just hard to wake up one day and poof, it s gone.

 

i think everyone deals with this differently. if i had the b@lls to end it it doesnt mean it should be easier for me to move on.

 

first days i felt guilt for leaving him, so i broke NC. than we had this "wonderful" conversation, which was a good thing because i was reminded of how he is not ready to do something. which again, it s good.

[MyNameIsNotSusan]

Try as hard as it is, to move on with your life as if you are never going back with him. If he leaves her and comes to you it's a bonus, but don't waste your precious time waiting or hoping for a miracle. The more days that pass, you just might find yourself not even wanting him to return. Think about it, your best case scenario is behind door number 3, and what do you have for her Johnny? "a liar and a cheater who just walked away from his wife and children." Eek.. is that what you really want deep down in your gut. Take time to examine yourself. You invested a lot yes, but there comes a time in life when, as Gordon Gecko put it in the movie Wall Street.. You just have to "dump the F*****".

[FusionCutter]

He's not a good man. He's an evil person. He's hurting you. That should be all you need to stay away from him forever.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I have no drawer for u ( this drawer thing is something he often says that he does when he can t deal with things- puts them in an imaginary one and leave it there)...

 

I wasn t ready to try. i m still not ready. u have made hard choices in your life, i don t know how to do that yet.

 

So to be clear, this man has never had to make a hard decision in his life and his coping mechanism is to just ignore tough things until they go away/resolve themselves?

 

Wow. How the heck has he made it to adulthood intact?

[Dela]

So to be clear, this man has never had to make a hard decision in his life and his coping mechanism is to just ignore tough things until they go away/resolve themselves?

 

Wow. How the heck has he made it to adulthood intact?

 

yeah, something like this (not ALL the things, but...)

we did manage to fix our issues in the A (when we had some) because i m really good with communication and patient, so i "educated" him a little on the human stuff and he always felt comfortable being open with me. this way we actually never fought, so we didnt have to put stuff in the drawer. i don t like living with a full drawer.

but yeah i guess he s very bad with decisions, as he says, "he must see the path" (as seeing in the future-lol). so unless he s calculationg and planning every step to make sure things are ok, he most probaby won t make a change in his life.

[Poppy47]

i know. i was just curious about what anyone else thinks about what he said.

It's all gobbledygook nonsense....I don't think even he would know what he means.

Poppy.

[Dela]

It's all gobbledygook nonsense....I don't think even he would know what he means.

Poppy.

 

lol

 

thanks Poppy

[Dela]

that conversation has stuck with me...

 

day 9 since the break up. i miss him