Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) I'm a male, 30. My GF (10 months relationship) announced to me that she will have a drink (which means going out, drink beer, get drunk) with a guy friend next weekend, who just came back from living abroad. This guy has a girlfriend for a long time already who is still living there and they have been together for many years. My GF said this guy is nothing more than a friend. But 3 things bother me: 1. My GF is not friends with his longterm girlfriend on Facebook (guess, she doesn't know her or they do not like each other). 2. None of her best female friends are befriended to him on Facebook. 3. She confessed that he was in her bed multiple times before WE were dating, and this was during the time he was already in a relationship with his current GF, but swears that nothing ever happened because they are friends. I just told her that I wouldn't like it if he would sleep in her bed again now we are together, and she promised me it won't happen. I try to be compassionate and happy for her to meet this guy again after a year. But the image of them sleeping together is in my mind constantly. Am I being paranoid? Trust issues? Edited July 26, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 I'm a male, 30. My GF (10 months relationship) announced to me that she will have a drink (which means going out, drink beer, get drunk) with a guy friend next weekend, who just came back from living abroad. This guy has a girlfriend for a long time already who is still living there and they have been together for many years. My GF said this guy is nothing more than a friend. But 3 things bother me: 1. My GF is not friends with his longterm girlfriend on Facebook (guess, she doesn't know her or they do not like each other). 2. None of her best female friends are befriended to him on Facebook. 3. She confessed that he was in her bed multiple times before WE were dating, and this was during the time he was already in a relationship with his current GF, but swears that nothing ever happened because they are friends. I just told her that I wouldn't like it if he would sleep in her bed again now we are together, and she promised me it won't happen. I try to be compassionate and happy for her to meet this guy again after a year. But the image of them sleeping together is in my mind constantly. Am I being paranoid? Trust issues? Is there a reason that you can't go hangout with your GF and her male friend together? Doesn't seem paranoid to me to be concerned about her lack of respect for you, in wanting to go out and get drunk with this male friend, without you being present. Who knows if "nothing really happened" when they slept together in the past. But given their history sleeping in the same bed in the past, combined the the fact that she now has a BF, just appears to be disrespectful. If they are really just innocent friends, then insist of hanging out with them that evening. The fact that you may not have been invited, looks a bit suspicious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) It happened like this. I announced a few weeks ago I wanted to plan a walking trip with a buddy of mine (just hiking in nature). So few days ago, I told her this would happen next weekend. She instantly replied: "oh well, I'm going out with [guy friend name] next weekend." Turned out she already planned it, didn't tell me, but gave me this information as a response to me telling about having my trip scheduled. So I can't join anyway, but she didn't invite me either. Edited July 26, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 It happened like this. I announced a few weeks ago I wanted to plan a walking trip with a buddy of mine (just hiking in nature). So few days ago, I told her this would happen next weekend. She instantly replied: "oh well, I'm going out with [guy friend name] next weekend." Turned out she already planned it, didn't tell me, but gave me this information as a response to me telling about having my trip scheduled. So I can't join anyway, but she didn't invite me either. Is she usually happy with you planning trips away without her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Apart from going out with friends without her (she does the same with her friends), it's the first time for me to have a trip without her. She, on the other hand, had a trip with her female friends quite recently, and that was wild stuff (clubbing in another town) compared to my hiking. But maybe she is jealous or dissatisfied... could be. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 But maybe she is jealous or dissatisfied... could be. I did wonder if her intent was to show her displeasure about the hiking trip by deliberately arranging to meet with the old "friend". Is she usually a bit of a game player? Or is she usually a bit insecure, jealous, even controlling maybe? OR Is there more to this hiking trip? Is the hiking trip your response to her clubbing trip and the two of you are now locked in a tit for tat game. She then decided to use a trump card, the old "friend". Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 It happened like this. I announced a few weeks ago I wanted to plan a walking trip with a buddy of mine (just hiking in nature). So few days ago, I told her this would happen next weekend. She instantly replied: "oh well, I'm going out with [guy friend name] next weekend." Turned out she already planned it, didn't tell me, but gave me this information as a response to me telling about having my trip scheduled. So I can't join anyway, but she didn't invite me either. If she is upset that you planned your hiking trip without her, then this may be her way of getting back at you. Were I in your position, I'd strongly reconsider that hiking trip with your friend, and opt to do something that involves my GF under the circumstances. Reason being, you may have a lingering trust issues that will dog you, if she does go out with this male friend. Her intentions may be innocent, but if alcohol is going to be involved, in the company of another man, then no good can come of that situation. If you care about your GF, and your relationship is worth saving, then reconsider your own trip. On the flip side, if she did this as a tit for tat deal to get even with you, then I question her maturity. But in the future, I'd recommend being a bit more considerate when it comes to planning your getaways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your reply. I will not reconsider my hiking trip: it's with a buddy and it is harmless. Am I being unreasonable now? Maybe I should mention the following concerning my trust issues. I once got angry, at the beginning of our relationship, after we were both drunk and I saw her touching the face of a coworker she was talking to, in a way I didn't like. So few days ago (months after the accident) after she said she is going to have a drink with her guy friend, I simply replied: "okay, that is fine!" But then she started asking me things like: "You won't be bothered, right? You are not jealous, right?" and then she referred to that incident I described above. Why did she ask? Was she testing me? I took the bait, and asked her: "Well, he just a friend right? You won't be sleeping with him like your friend did with her best male friend?" (which happened recently) I joked. So then she said: "Well, he was in my bed multiple times in the past. But nothing happened." AUCH. I think in images. She also, in the beginning of the relationship, mentioned this other cool guy friend that turned out to be a former fling/f**k buddy. She even told me we could visit him together someday, because he lives in Italy, before I found out the truth. Maybe that's why I have some issues with this woman, when it comes to trust. About the tit and tat games... I am not sure. Maybe it is unconsciously. But a few weeks ago she was mentioning herself that she was planning a vacation with a friend, but for some reason was cancelled. I would have let her. I really like hiking: me and my friend have been training for many months. It's not retribution. Going for a clubbing weekend would be. Edited July 26, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Thank you for your reply. I will not reconsider my hiking trip: it's with a buddy and it is harmless. Am I being unreasonable now? Maybe I should mention the following concerning my trust issues. I once got angry, at the beginning of our relationship, after we were both drunk and I saw her touching the face of a coworker she was talking to, in a way I didn't like. So few days ago (months after the accident) after she said she is going to have a drink with her guy friend, I simply replied: "okay, that is fine!" But then she started asking me things like: "You won't be bothered, right? You are not jealous, right?" and then she referred to that incident I described above. Why did she ask? Was she testing me? I took the bait, and asked her: "Well, he just a friend right? You won't be sleeping with him like your friend did to her best friend?" (which happened recently) I joked. So then she said: "Well, he was in my bed multiple times in the past. But nothing happened." AUCH. I think in images. She also, in the beginning of the relationship, mentioned this other cool guy friend that turned out to be a fling/f**k buddy. She even told me we could visit him together someday, because he lives in Italy, before I found out the truth. Maybe that's why I have some issues with this woman, when it comes to trust. About the tit and tat games... I am not sure. Maybe it is unconsciously. Again, I'm not sure. Her past is in the past, I wouldn't stress too much over that. But clearly her asking you, "You won't be bothered, right? You are not jealous, right?" is an effort to get under your skin most likely. But could have also been her way of asking you for a "free pass". But her getting drunk in the presence of another so called male friend while you are off hiking, raises a Red Flag to me. How much will you enjoy your hiking trip wondering what she is up to with this friend? It's no coincidence she's planned meeting up with this guy while you're away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) A bit of nuance: She planned it already, but did not know that I was going that particular weekend. Only after I told her so, she immediately told me about her date with him. When would she have told me if I didn't told her about the trip? What do you mean by free pass? Indeed I'm affraid I will think about this too much during my hike. I will worry about her losing her inhibitions when drunk, and he will end up in her bed like these multiple times before. Anyway, thanks for the her past=past thing. True that. Edited July 26, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 A bit of nuance: She planned it already, but did not know that I was going that particular weekend. Only after I told her so, she immediately told me about her date with him as a response. When would she have told me if I didn't told her about the trip? What do you mean by free pass? Indeed I'm affraid I will think about this too much during my hike. Anyway, thanks for the her past=past thing. True that. This revelation is interesting. So her "date" as you put it, with this male friend was already arranged before you told her about this trip? Had you not told her that you were going away for this hiking trip, is it possible she would have met this friend without having ever told you? By "free pass" I meant, could she view you not having a problem with her going out with this male friend, as an ok from you to end up sleeping with him? Then blaming it on alcohol, or the fact that you told her it was ok to go out with him in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) This date was already arranged, yes. She told me immediately after I told her the trip would be next weekend. It felt like a response, but it could also be that she just wanted to exchange her weekend plans and forgot to tell me. Not sure if she would have hidden it from me. She told me earlier that she wanted to meet him when he would come back. If she ends up sleeping with him, I'm not sure if she would ever tell me anyway. She knows she would lose me. Edited July 26, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Not sure. She told me earlier that she wanted to meet him when he would come back. If she ends up sleeping with him, I'm not sure if she would ever tell me anyway. She knows she would lose me. Why would she ever tell you? Unless she dumps you to be with him, or they start hooking up frequently, and you catch her. The larger point is how bad will what may have happened between them while you were away, eat at you later? Of course if her intentions are honorable, then you have nothing to worry about just trust her, and enjoy your hiking trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Bottom line: why worry? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Bottom line: why worry? Please forgive me, I don't intend to come across as being overly jaded. But you are "worried" enough to come to Love Shack and raise the questions for member input. That's a good enough indication that maybe you should be worried. Next, use the search feature here and you will find a ton of stories of cheating girlfriends and wives. Many of those stories being like yours, "just an innocent drink with a male / female friend", that ends with drunken sex. You worry because rightfully you should be worried! Your girlfriend is showing you a lack of respect and consideration at the minimum. The argument could be made that you planning your trip without involving her, could also be looked at as showing her a lack of consideration also. But the fact remains, she had this planned already, even before you informed her about your hiking trip. There is something wrong with her going out and drinking with another man, even if he's supposedly only a friend, especially while you are away. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 This is a bunch of crap. This guy friend stuff with men who shared her bed is so silly and the previous poster has it right. You need to be worried and that is why you are here. Women involved in excklusive relationships do not plan week ends alone with men, and especially before they discuss any of it. She basically just told you she will hang out with any men she chooses and you can just take it or leave it. Now, if I were you I would cancel your trip and intrude on this little week end shacking up with some other guy she has planned, or you can expect to come back to a big surprise that you will have to snoop to find out about. And if you did not feel the same way you would not have googled Love Shack. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 I guess she is playing a game of testing your boundaries and you need to put your foot down here, she even encouraged you to do so, by yanking your chain and you fobbed her off. Now she can cheat without a care in the world, as you are obviously not that worried. If she shares a bed, then it is OK, as you knew that happened previously and you are allowing her to do it again, you are showing her you basically do not care what she gets up to. No-one likes over controlling bfs, but there is a difference between that and appearing uncaring when an opportunity to cheat presents itself. Most women I guess want to see some spark of jealousy from their man and an attempt to stake his claim. I guess when she booked it, she thought you would get all masculine when the time came and decide to join them or put your foot down. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Put YOUR foot down!! You TELL her it's not an appropriate thing to be doing when you are in a relationship with someone. It does NOT matter if nothing sexual is going to happen, it's something you just DON'T do. If she wants to act single find....then you can help her with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Don't cancel your hiking trip. Why should you? Don't ruin your weekend with your hiking buddy over this. And don't obsess about it while you are hiking. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt and just let it go. It does seem a little passive aggressive on her side, that she waited until the last minute to tell you about her meetup with her guy friend. Does she do that a lot? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 OP, Given the background info you have supplied us, I would guess that your relationship will soon see it's last sunrise. This is all low drama and your GF's not so subtle presentation has been trotted out on overly trusting significant others the world over since time began. She is showing you who she is...believe her....and do yourself a favor and release her to her destiny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Tell her your thinking about not going on the trip, but instead plans to join her on her night out with her male friend and watch her reaction. If she turns it into a fight then you know her intentions for the "date" aren't pure. I'm not saying cheating is in her plans (with women it rarely is) but maybe her relationship with him is flirty and you being around would be uncormtable. If its the case her reaction will be telling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Gee, I was hoping to hear that I have to work on my trust issues and that men and women can be friends. Only one answer points to this and the rest are very negative. I truly don't want to be a controlling BF and I don't want to prohibit stuff, because it's all based on fear. Trust is everything, right? But this situation still feels kinda crap and most of these posts make me more insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Dude it's not about trust, or being controlling, it's about boundaries, expectations, and respect when being in a committed relationship. What she is doing IS NOT appropriate, especially the past history between those two. He had no problem crossing the line while he was being her cuddle b itch when in a relationship with someone else. I bet money on it if he was single at that time they would have sex....he was having an emotional affair....that's still cheating. Plus who goes off on a weekend drink with a guy they snuggled in bed with??? Someone who has no respect for their SO. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Tell her your thinking about not going on the trip, but instead plans to join her on her night out with her male friend and watch her reaction. If she turns it into a fight then you know her intentions for the "date" aren't pure. I'm not saying cheating is in her plans (with women it rarely is) but maybe her relationship with him is flirty and you being around would be uncormtable. If its the case her reaction will be telling. Here's a great suggestion to see how sincere her intentions are about meeting up with this male friend. Give it a try, and please try to be convincing. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Here's a great suggestion to see how sincere her intentions are about meeting up with this male friend. Give it a try, and please try to be convincing. She knows he has an issue with this, she is going to see right through it. Why play games....what's wrong with clear honest communication. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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