Try Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I have feelings of jealousy but try not to show them. It is OK to be jealous when your partner gives you good reason to be jealous. Jealousy is only wrong when it is unreasonable. Even though this other man (OM) was in an exclusive relationship, he slept with your partner multiple times. She claims nothing happened, ignoring the fact that the very act of sleeping with someone is something, even in the unlikely event that they did not have some form of sex. She has proven poor boundaries, and you have proven beta issues. Now blow off your trip and tell her that you do not want her meeting up with this guy alone. Do not defend your position, just tell her it is line in the sand that you are drawing. Take this weekend to establish opposite sex friend boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) ^^^ I tried to edit my previous post (no. 75) but was too late... Ironically, men like you and my bro end up attracting needy, overly emotional women. And as such, given your inability to show and express negative emotions such as jealousy, and behaving aloofly and unaffected (even though that is not how you feel on the inside), the woman ends up feeling MORE needy! Desperate almost for any small sign that shows you care and *are* affected about what she does. Like going out drinking with another guy she has slept with on multiple occasions! It becomes a viscious cycle. And toxic to the relationship. Edited July 28, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) Dude, your girlfriend came to you and told you she was going to go have a drink with another man. This girl thought it was okay to go have a drink with a guy she used to have in her bed. DUMP HER IMMEDIATELY. The sheer audacity to even think it would be okay is astounding. She wants to go out alone with another man and have drinks. Even if she had never had him in her bed this would be 100% wrong. Tell if she goes, the relationship is over. Also IMO you should tell her she needs to drop this guy entirely from her life. Edited August 1, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Since some don't read through the thread to get the real story, I suggest reading Katiegrl's post....it pretty much sums it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I don't need to read anothers post because I can already sum it up quite well: kick this girl to the curb. If you are in a relationship you do not belong going out to have drinks alone with another man, let alone one you used to bang. If she was just trying to manipulate the guy or elicit jealously it just makes her slimy and deceitful. Edited August 3, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 ^^^ I tried to edit my previous post (no. 75) but was too late... Ironically, men like you and my bro end up attracting needy, overly emotional women. And as such, given your inability to show and express negative emotions such as jealousy, and behaving aloofly and unaffected (even though that is not how you feel on the inside), the woman ends up feeling MORE needy! Desperate almost for any small sign that shows you care and *are* affected about what she does. Like going out drinking with another guy she has slept with on multiple occasions! It becomes a viscious cycle. And toxic to the relationship. Thank You katiegrl for this informative post. I hope the OP now has some insight on how to handle this and other similar situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry, but just..no. That is getting DANGEROUSLY close to haphazardly putting some blame on the guy for this. With the implication of "you didn't show jealousy enough so it made her needy". Make no mistake none of this is on him. You also realize you are the same person who would get pissy with other people for repeating something in a thread that has already been said, yet here you are repeating yourself. Edited August 3, 2015 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry, but just..no. That is getting DANGEROUSLY close to haphazardly putting some blame on the guy for this. With the implication of "you didn't show jealousy enough so it made her needy". Make no mistake none of this is on him. You also realize you are the same person who would get pissy with other people for repeating something in a thread that has already been said, yet here you are repeating yourself. Spectre, it is NOT just about him showing or not showing jealousy. Read posts! It's about his overall emotional detachment in general, his aloofness in general, his nonchalance, his unaffected nature, he admitted it himself! All of that contributes to her or any woman feeling insecure, NEEDY and desperate for some sliver of a sign that indicates he gives a shyt! So she does shyt like this -- is it right? NO! Is it manipulative, yes! But given his emotional detachment, unaffected nature, aloofness, nonchalance, etc, it's understandable! Should he dump this girl? Maybe. Probably! But even if he does, if he doesn't learn to be more emotionally open and show at least a little vulnerability (which IS how he feels on the inside - he admitted that) the same thing will happen with the next girl, and the next girl after that, etc! As I said in previous post (which you refuse to read lol) men like him (emotionally detached) ironically attract overly needy women like his current! And will continue to do so as long as they ACT emotionally detached, closed, unaffected and aloof...even though on the inside they feel completely differently. Edited August 3, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Spectre, it is NOT just about him showing or not showing jealousy. Read posts! It's about his overall emotional detachment in general, his aloofness in general, his nonchalance, his unaffected nature, he admitted it himself! All of that contributes to her or any woman feeling insecure, NEEDY and desperate for some sliver of a sign that indicates he gives a shyt! So she does shyt like this -- is it right? NO! Is it manipulative, yes! But given his emotional detachment, unaffected nature, aloofness, nonchalance, etc, it's understandable! Should he dump this girl? Maybe. Probably! But even if he does, if he doesn't learn to be more emotionally open and show at least a little vulnerability (which IS how he feels on the inside - he admitted that) the same thing will happen with the next girl, and the next girl after that, etc! As I said in previous post (which you refuse to read lol) men like him (emotionally detached) ironically attract overly needy women like his current! And will continue to do so as long as they ACT emotionally detached, closed, unaffected and aloof...even though on the inside they feel completely differently. A very productive post thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Party true, Katie. I am affected. If I would not be, I would not be posting. I have feelings of jealousy but try not to show them. But she can be needy yes. In fact, I am the kind of person that tends to walk away. I need space. She is the kind of person who then stalks me by blowing up my phone and visiting my home (uninvited) ringing my bell 50 times. This dynamic concerns me because we both suffer. I seriously don't understand why you don't think it's Ok to be a bit jealous! I'd just tell her that I did a background check on the guy and no less than 3 rapists share the same name. Since guys with his name are generally dangerous... I would not allow her to go. Therefore I would loudly proclaim that I am not jealous but instead "protective". I think you have some clear issues with being assertive. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I seriously don't understand why you don't think it's Ok to be a bit jealous! I'd just tell her that I did a background check on the guy and no less than 3 rapists share the same name. Since guys with his name are generally dangerous... I would not allow her to go. Therefore I would loudly proclaim that I am not jealous but instead "protective". I think you have some clear issues with being assertive. Based on everything he's posted, how he handles conflict (walks away - refuses to address it) my guess would be he doesn't want her getting the "upper hand" and he thinks by showing/expressing jealousy - or any vulnerability for that matter - indicates weakness, thus giving her the "upper hand." just a guess though. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 My GF (10 months relationship) announced to me that she will have a drink (which means going out, drink beer, get drunk) with a guy friend next weekend Only after I told her so, she immediately told me about her date with him. This date was already arranged, yes. So when she told you about "her date with him" "(which means going out, drink beer, get drunk)", the "date was already arranged". In my book, when you agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with someone, that means that you were agreeing to go off the market and no longer "date" others. As it stands now, if they click, at best she will call you to break up with you just prior to going to bed with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Katie is right. I do need to have the upperhand. Simply because I don't want to be exploited or that she takes me for granted and gets bored. It's like borderline insecurity, and I am aware of it. But on the other hand, I repress emotions and when they come out, they come out heavily. So she already knows I'm an emotional guy, she knows I can be insecure and she hasn't run away from me yet. But it frightens me as hell, feeling exposed, and therefore I do everything to get the upper hand again. Does this sound like your little brother, Katie? Something funny happened. After my hike I asked her about the get together with that guy friend. She said he canceled last moment. Did she make the whole thing up? I will never know. I try not to care anymore. I think jealousy isn't a good thing, and indifference attracts the most in these cases. It's a guy friend she knows since high school after all, and not some shady new guy. If she DID make it up, it would be very sad on her end and something I barely expect from her. So that's how this story ends Link to post Share on other sites
Sastrugi Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Something funny happened. After my hike I asked her about the get together with that guy friend. She said he canceled last moment. Did she make the whole thing up? I will never know. I try not to care anymore. I think jealousy isn't a good thing, and indifference attracts the most in these cases. It's a guy friend she knows since high school after all, and not some shady new guy. If she DID make it up, it would be very sad on her end and something I barely expect from her. So that's how this story ends L84, i am late to this thread. Man did i trigger reading it though. I went through nearly the same thing with my SO as you just described. Yes a meet up with a high school best friend , later found out he was a(fwb). She told me i was jealous and nothing would happen. She was so in love with me. This was a week after we were engaged. I left on a one week trip, came back.... She told me that she cancelled at the last minute too. I said really, then explain the rug burns on your back.... Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Katie is right. I do need to have the upperhand. Simply because I don't want to be exploited or that she takes me for granted and gets bored. It's like borderline insecurity, and I am aware of it. But on the other hand, I repress emotions and when they come out, they come out heavily. So she already knows I'm an emotional guy, she knows I can be insecure and she hasn't run away from me yet. But it frightens me as hell, feeling exposed, and therefore I do everything to get the upper hand again. Does this sound like your little brother, Katie? Something funny happened. After my hike I asked her about the get together with that guy friend. She said he canceled last moment. Did she make the whole thing up? I will never know. I try not to care anymore. I think jealousy isn't a good thing, and indifference attracts the most in these cases. It's a guy friend she knows since high school after all, and not some shady new guy. If she DID make it up, it would be very sad on her end and something I barely expect from her. So that's how this story ends No that's not where the story ends. Your need to have some sort of "upperhand" will always be your undoing. And you'll be left with nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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