The guy friend issue

[Lateralus84]

That would be manipulation and lying.

[DKT3]

Men and women can be friends. There are some red flags here, in your situation. People in relationships should talk to their partners before making plans with the opposite sex, its a respect thing. She has guys in her life that she has slept with and not being open and honest with you about it.

 

She knows he has an issue with this, she is going to see right through it. Why play games....what's wrong with clear honest communication.

 

If this is true then its a bigger issue. If she knows he isn't comfortable why push him? That doesn't sound like someone who is interested in maintaining a relationship.

[writergal]

She knows he has an issue with this, she is going to see right through it. Why play games....what's wrong with clear honest communication.

 

Nothing's wrong with clear and directly honest communication. The trouble is, most people choose to lie in these situations. She may have been honest with the OP about her previous relationship with this guy, but she's pretty naïve to expect the OP not to have an issue with that past relationship, if the OP knows that his girlfriend is a flirt by nature, and has zero boundaries with this past bf or FWB (whatever that r/s was).

 

OP, if it bothers you that much, have a talk with her before you go on your hiking trip. Tell her your expectations for her, tell her that it bothers you the way that she disregards your feelings about her past r/s with this guy based on the fact that she made plans with him without inviting you, and springing it on you the way that she did. Then see how she reacts. Hopefully, the outcome is positive for you. And if not, at least you found out that she still is attached to this guy and not fully invested in her relationship with you as that can happen. But I hope that's not the case for you.

[writergal]

Men and women can be friends. There are some red flags here, in your situation. People in relationships should talk to their partners before making plans with the opposite sex, its a respect thing. She has guys in her life that she has slept with and not being open and honest with you about it.

 

 

 

If this is true then its a bigger issue. If she knows he isn't comfortable why push him? That doesn't sound like someone who is interested in maintaining a relationship.

 

I agree with this. It's a total respect issue plus I don't think she has very healthy boundaries. Is she the type who stays friends with her exes?

 

Men and women can be friends but there has to be serious boundaries in place for that to happen between two exes who remain friends. Otherwise, new relationship partners will feel like there is a chance their guy/gal will get back together with one of their exes.

[DKT3]

That would be manipulation and lying.

 

Truth is, she was manipulating you with the "you don't have a problem, RIGHT?" What she is really saying is you better not have and issue and trying to make you feel bad about being uncomfortable with it.

 

Its not lying if you intend on doing it, maybe tell her you would like to meet him. Same difference, if she has issues or starts making excuses such as "oh he is busy" the result is the same.

 

Here is the issue, these things start to build resentment. She is showing a lack of respect for you and your feelings. Then trying to make you feel bad.

[LoveMachine67]

That would be manipulation and lying.

 

And?

 

Go and enjoy your hiking trip, I'm sure everything will be ok. You can trust her!

 

Is this what you WANT to hear? We are only telling you how we see the situation, but you know this doesn't look or feel right. If it bothers YOU, then it's a problem. We are not trying smear her reputation or cause you mistrust. This is obviously bothering you, and will continue to bother you during your trip.

[Amalyn]

As a woman, I have only had ONE platonic, male friend. We used to go out drinking regularly together and nothing ever happened.... However, that was ONLY when both of us were single and it was always a group thing with at the very least another guy and girl tagging along. He is now married and we barely ever even talk now (out of respect). That being said, her planning this weekend with her male friend before clearing it with you first is, at the very least, disrespectful to you and your relationship. That, IMO, is a red flag.

[katiegrl]

Thank you for your reply. I will not reconsider my hiking trip: it's with a buddy and it is harmless. Am I being unreasonable now?

 

Maybe I should mention the following concerning my trust issues. I once got angry, at the beginning of our relationship, after we were both drunk and I saw her touching the face of a coworker she was talking to, in a way I didn't like.

 

 

 

 

****So few days ago (months after the accident) after she said she is going to have a drink with her guy friend, I simply replied: "okay, that is fine!" But then she started asking me things like: "You won't be bothered, right? You are not jealous, right?" and then she referred to that incident I described above.***

 

***Why did she ask? Was she testing me? I took the bait, and asked her: "Well, he just a friend right? You won't be sleeping with him like your friend did with her best male friend?" (which happened recently) I joked. So then she said:

"Well, he was in my bed multiple times in the past. But nothing happened." AUCH. I think in images.****

 

 

 

 

She also, in the beginning of the relationship, mentioned this other cool guy friend that turned out to be a former fling/f**k buddy. She even told me we could visit him together someday, because he lives in Italy, before I found out the truth.

 

Maybe that's why I have some issues with this woman, when it comes to trust.

 

About the tit and tat games... I am not sure. Maybe it is unconsciously. But a few weeks ago she was mentioning herself that she was planning a vacation with a friend, but for some reason was cancelled. I would have let her. I really like hiking: me and my friend have been training for many months. It's not retribution. Going for a clubbing weekend would be.

 

OP, what sounds troubling to me is not so much she is having a drink with an old friend who happens to be male....but the comments she made above (quoted in asterisk; I can't bold on my tablet).

 

Sounds like she is egging you on, provoking you to get jealous.

 

I mean, she tells you she is meeting a male friend for a drink, THAT did not provoke your jealousy, so she ups the ante by telling you he has been in her bed multiple times (but gee don't worry nothing happened).

 

This all sounds very manipulative to me! Can you not see that? I think you can, hence this thread and your gut telling you something isn't sitting right.

 

Follow your gut!

 

My advice would be to go on the trip with your friend, say nothing about her having drink with male friend, and gauge her response.

 

If she continues to up the ante in attempting to provoke your jealousy, tell her to knock it off, you can see right through that BS and ask her why the hell she is so insecure.

 

Not using those words or harsh tone, but hopefully you get what she's doing and talk to her about it and resolve it.

[writergal]

Truth is, she was manipulating you with the "you don't have a problem, RIGHT?" What she is really saying is you better not have and issue and trying to make you feel bad about being uncomfortable with it.

 

Its not lying if you intend on doing it, maybe tell her you would like to meet him. Same difference, if she has issues or starts making excuses such as "oh he is busy" the result is the same.

 

Here is the issue, these things start to build resentment. She is showing a lack of respect for you and your feelings. Then trying to make you feel bad.

 

Sounds like she was gaslighting you, OP.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Continue this relationship at your own peril. Whatever trust issues you have will now color what is left of the relationship and even though her actions are beyond the pale of trustworthy, she will simply justify it to herself that it is ok to go out and bang this dude because you are now a "jealous boyfriend". She is still attracted to this guy and she is literally sending you a telegram informing you she is gonna hook up, and she wants you to accept that with gratitude that she is telegraphing you.

 

Stevie Wonder could see this coming....

 

Life is far too short to subject yourself to this and expect a rosy outcome.....Get rid of her or you'll regret it.

[writergal]

OP,

 

Continue this relationship at your own peril. Whatever trust issues you have will now color what is left of the relationship and even though her actions are beyond the pale of trustworthy, she will simply justify it to herself that it is ok to go out and bang this dude because you are now a "jealous boyfriend". She is still attracted to this guy and she is literally sending you a telegram informing you she is gonna hook up, and she wants you to accept that with gratitude that she is telegraphing you.

 

Stevie Wonder could see this coming....

 

Life is far too short to subject yourself to this and expect a rosy outcome.....Get rid of her or you'll regret it.

 

And Luke Skywalker could sense the dark force around this situation...

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Tell her your thinking about not going on the trip, but instead plans to join her on her night out with her male friend and watch her reaction. If she turns it into a fight then you know her intentions for the "date" aren't pure. I'm not saying cheating is in her plans (with women it rarely is) but maybe her relationship with him is flirty and you being around would be uncormtable. If its the case her reaction will be telling.

 

OP, the two sentences above (highlighted in bold) is an excellent suggestion and it's something I think you should do as soon as possible BEFORE you go on your hiking trip.

 

It's not 'lying or manipulative' for you to tell her the above suggestion - it's a proactive measure that you're using to gauge her facial, physical, verbal and emotional responses to this statement - and doing so will allow you to SEE the TRUTH about her true intentions regarding getting drunk with this 'platonic' male 'friend'. If she reacts defensively, if she becomes visibly and verbally agitated or if she seems panicked (or disappointed) by your declaration....then YOU'LL HAVE YOUR ANSWER as to whether her intentions with this 'platonic' guy friend are innocent or...NOT.

 

If you choose not to follow DKT3's productive suggestion, then you run the risk of being deceived (and possibly being cheated on) by your GF without you EVER being able to find out for sure; unless you do some snooping or sly detective work. At least with the above suggestion, you'll be able to find out if you can EVER TRUST HER in the FUTURE.

 

As others have stated, her having made plans to go out and get drunk with this guy 'friend' WITHOUT INVITING YOU or at least TELLING YOU BEFORE she planned this little 'outing' is extremely disrespectful and inappropriate, not to mention that it reeks of deception mixed with disingenuous intentions.

 

 

 

.

[lolablue17]

The problem of course is not the existance of a guy friend, but more the way you've heard about it and the way she's handled it.

 

To announce you about it only after you told her yours plans, is very irritating. It doesn't matter if she forgot to tell you or not. I believe she didn't forget at all. She very well remembered, but was looking for the right moment and had prepared her "speech" to convince you (That's why she mentioned the past insidenet, because she made rehearsals about it), but your plans made it very easy for her.

 

Your main problem - There is nothing you can do about it while your going to your trip. She can meet him, she can get drunk, get laid, and you will never know. So any "agreement" you'll achieve now (For example - she will agree to cancel the meeting with him) is worthless.

 

The other problem - If you don't do anything, you agree (for life) to the rule: It's OK to announce you about dates with male friends, without asking you, without planning it with you, and generally to disrespect you.

 

The third problem - The only thing you can do to make a point, and not loosing your balls is to postpone your trip. This will give you a good knowledge about what's happening + she will get the message that YOU ARE SERIOUS.

 

If she says "F%ck you, i'm going anyway with him on my terms only" - There you go - This is her, this is the way she treats you, there is nothing to argue or to talk about. Just leave with silence - or stay with an understanding of your new status A DOORMAT.

[writergal]

 

As others have stated, her having made plans to go out and get drunk with this guy 'friend' WITHOUT INVITING YOU or at least TELLING YOU BEFORE she planned this little 'outing' is extremely disrespectful and inappropriate, not to mention that it reeks of deception mixed with disingenuous intentions.

 

 

I can attest to this because it's exactly what happened to me with an ex-bf. When I went over to his place after finishing my grad school class, he was sitting on his couch all dressed up, and it was only 3:30 p.m. in the afternoon. I was taken aback, because he had told me he would be at the gym during this time since his work ended at 3:00 p.m. during the week. So, I asked him why he was dressed up and his response was to gaslight me, telling me that he had plans to meetup with his female coworker (whom his 1st wife accused him of having an affair with). When I asked my then-bf if it was a date, like, an actual romantic date, he tried to gaslight me with guilt, "Oh you don't trust me? It's not a date." Liar. It was a date. Later I discovered hot n heavy texts between them, confronted him, he dumped me and he married her. End of saga/story.

 

I'm not saying this is how your story will end, OP. But, if your gf is going to make plans with her ex-bfs without first telling you or inviting you is extremely deceptive.

 

I know I had told you to trust her but I think you should call her out on her b.s. now and tell her that you're not ok with the way she makes plans with these men behind your back. It's not manipulative for you to share your honest feelings with your girlfriend. That's called communication.

 

If you don't, then you're only hurting yourself by not airing your concerns and setting parameters with your girlfriend about the way she makes plans behind your back.

[smackie9]

deleted post

[smackie9]

Nothing's wrong with clear and directly honest communication. The trouble is, most people choose to lie in these situations. .

 

 

I meant clear communication on HIS part, at least he gets his point across....it's up to the OP to use his own discretion on what his GF tells him.

[writergal]

I meant clear communication on HIS part, at least he gets his point across....it's up to the OP to use his own discretion on what his GF tells him.

 

Yup and I agree with you. I just added that his girlfriend or people who have something to hide, tend not to go for clear communication. But I agree with you 100%

[smackie9]

All I can say that this girl is gettin kinda shady.....

 

 

OP I hope you get some answers...

[katiegrl]

I think there is a lot more to this story than the OP is letting on, or maybe he even knows himself, about what's going on with her.

 

I would not be surprised one bit if we discovered that she made this whole "having lunch with guy friend" up, and that this "guy friend" spent multiple times in her bed.....just to elicit a reaction and/or provoke jealousy in the OP.

 

She sounds seriously immature and insecure IMO and something just isn't jiving about this whole thing.

Edited July 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[road]

It happened like this.

 

I announced a few weeks ago I wanted to plan a walking trip with a buddy of mine (just hiking in nature). So few days ago, I told her this would happen next weekend. She instantly replied: "oh well, I'm going out with [guy friend name] next weekend."

 

Turned out she already planned it, didn't tell me, but gave me this information as a response to me telling about having my trip scheduled. So I can't join anyway, but she didn't invite me either.

 

Who is holding the gun to your head stopping you from canceling.

 

 

Next that is bad when current GF is going out to get wasted in a bar with he ex BF and not ask you if it was ok before she agreed to this date.

 

 

Worse that she is excluding you from her date with another man.

 

 

If you think this date is innocent I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale, you want to buy it?

[Friskyone4u]

Buddy, on a forum this size, when you get 90% of posts from people who do not know one another saying basically the same thing in different words, the group is very rarely wrong.

 

now here is what is in store for you. You will get the old

:i DID NOT MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN. IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE

 

How you can call it controlling to not want you girlfriend to srop on you out of the clear blue sky she is spending the week end you are gone with another man

is beyond me.

 

You are in for one big shock. I would at least bluff her and tell her you will be around to go with them and watch her turn like Casper the ghost.

[katiegrl]

Buddy, on a forum this size, when you get 90% of posts from people who do not know one another saying basically the same thing in different words, the group is very rarely wrong.

 

now here is what is in store for you. You will get the old

:i DID NOT MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN. IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE

 

How you can call it controlling to not want you girlfriend to srop on you out of the clear blue sky she is spending the week end you are gone with another man

is beyond me.

 

You are in for one big shock.

 

 

 

 

***I would at least bluff her and tell her you will be around to go with them and watch her turn like Casper the ghost.****

 

Yeah, especially since I highly suspect she MADE THE WHOLE THING UP just to elicit a jealous reaction from you!

 

Hint: She only mentioned it AFTER you announced you are going away hiking .... combined with her comment "so you're not jealous?"

 

And then when you don't jealously react to THAT, she suddenly announces he's been in her bed multiple times???

 

Come on, how much more transparent can she be?

 

Yeah, tell her you insist on joining them, since he's her *friend*, you'd like to meet him.

 

Since the whole thing is made up, she'll start squirming around for sure.

 

Edit: Plus think about it. If her intention was to actually hook up/have sex with this "friend", why even mention the lunch? How stupid, he was going away for the weekend, he would never even know.

 

What person who is about to cheat gives their SO the ammunition to suspect they are going to cheat? When their SO will be out of town anyway and would never find out? How stupid!

 

No, there is *guy friend" she is having lunch with ....I am convinced the whole thing is made up.

Edited July 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[No Limit]

Dump her and run. She's the other guy's affair, and being his affair is her #1 priority.

[infiniteQuest]

Whoa, I really don't agree with the overwhelming majority of the replies on this thread that said that this should be a concern. We're now taking two sentences that the poor girl has said with very little context, and extrapolating the magnitude of her commitment to OP? We're now making assumptions about her being manipulative based on just her asking a question?

 

OP, I can relate to your GF's situation. I have tons of guy friends, some I have slept with when single, some I haven't. I have gone for dinner and drinks with them while in a relationship, and was honest with my then-bf about who these guys were. He didn't want to dig deep in private matters, and so he would, kinda like you, just ask one question or two, which would yield him a half-baked response of "oh we slept together a few times but it didn't mean anything". These things aren't super easy to go into with your SO, so I had always wished that he had asked me more questions if he needed to understand or be reassured. I had always tried to elaborate more but then I didn't want to come off as as I were giving this dude even more importance than that. So for all you know, her asking you about whether you'd be jealous could have been her probing to see your level of comfort with the situation.

 

What you need to do is first sleep on it and get out of the highly emotional state you're in about the whole thing. Next, communicate! Try to open a dialogue and see if you need to be asking her more questions, whether you need to discuss boundaries, or whether you just need to know more about the nature of their relationship. After the discussion, take another breather. Then go with your gut about whether what she told you and her actions make you feel at peace, or whether there's still something gnawing away at you.

 

So often people neglect to keep in touch with their friends and the people that are part of who they are when they have a deep commitment, that in the end the commitment starts feeling like a huge weight. Our friends and the people in our lives are part of what makes us more interesting as individuals, to ourselves and to our partner. Don't neglect that side of you or her, because you won't realize how over the years your personality might erode without these people and it will be very hard to rebuild.

[road]

Yeah, especially since I highly suspect she MADE THE WHOLE THING UP just to elicit a jealous reaction from you!

 

Hint: She only mentioned it AFTER you announced you are going away hiking .... combined with her comment "so you're not jealous?"

 

And then when you don't jealously react to THAT, she suddenly announces he's been in her bed multiple times???

 

Come on, how much more transparent can she be?

 

Yeah, tell her you insist on joining them, since he's her *friend*, you'd like to meet him.

 

Since the whole thing is made up, she'll start squirming around for sure.

 

Edit: Plus think about it. If her intention was to actually hook up/have sex with this "friend", why even mention the lunch? How stupid, he was going away for the weekend, he would never even know.

 

What person who is about to cheat gives their SO the ammunition to suspect they are going to cheat? When their SO will be out of town anyway and would never find out? How stupid!

 

No, there is *guy friend" she is having lunch with ....I am convinced the whole thing is made up.

 

 

It is not made up. Many a WW try to hide their affair in plain sight. They also throw out little half truths to make it appear that they are not doing anything now. As in the OP's case she is claiming what she had with the OM was in the past.

 

 

Also some WS have the need to brag how they are getting away without being caught. So they drop its of info that are not enough to get the BH to confront her.