The guy friend issue

[road]

Whoa, I really don't agree with the overwhelming majority of the replies on this thread that said that this should be a concern. We're now taking two sentences that the poor girl has said with very little context, and extrapolating the magnitude of her commitment to OP? We're now making assumptions about her being manipulative based on just her asking a question?

 

OP, I can relate to your GF's situation. I have tons of guy friends, some I have slept with when single, some I haven't. I have gone for dinner and drinks with them while in a relationship, and was honest with my then-bf about who these guys were. He didn't want to dig deep in private matters, and so he would, kinda like you, just ask one question or two, which would yield him a half-baked response of "oh we slept together a few times but it didn't mean anything". These things aren't super easy to go into with your SO, so I had always wished that he had asked me more questions if he needed to understand or be reassured. I had always tried to elaborate more but then I didn't want to come off as as I were giving this dude even more importance than that. So for all you know, her asking you about whether you'd be jealous could have been her probing to see your level of comfort with the situation.

 

What you need to do is first sleep on it and get out of the highly emotional state you're in about the whole thing. Next, communicate! Try to open a dialogue and see if you need to be asking her more questions, whether you need to discuss boundaries, or whether you just need to know more about the nature of their relationship. After the discussion, take another breather. Then go with your gut about whether what she told you and her actions make you feel at peace, or whether there's still something gnawing away at you.

 

So often people neglect to keep in touch with their friends and the people that are part of who they are when they have a deep commitment, that in the end the commitment starts feeling like a huge weight. Our friends and the people in our lives are part of what makes us more interesting as individuals, to ourselves and to our partner. Don't neglect that side of you or her, because you won't realize how over the years your personality might erode without these people and it will be very hard to rebuild.

 

 

There is no reason to have opposite sex friends.

 

 

Man/woman does not need OPSF to play a sport, hobby, outdoor activity, have lunch, etc.

 

 

Man wants a woman's view he has his mom, wife, GF, sister, he does not need the opinion of a female co worker, neighbor's wife. Maintaining boundaries is the best way to prevent affairs. Same for the bee-itches err I mean woe-man, err sorry women.

[katiegrl]

It is not made up. Many a WW try to hide their affair in plain sight. They also throw out little half truths to make it appear that they are not doing anything now. As in the OP's case she is claiming what she had with the OM was in the past.

 

 

Also some WS have the need to brag how they are getting away without being caught. So they drop its of info that are not enough to get the BH to confront her.

 

Based on their interactions and the comments she made ....asking him if he was jealous, and then upping the ante when he did NOT react jealously, *I* strongly suspect she IS making it up.

 

You don't, that is fine. I do.

 

Also the fact she mentioned it ONLY *after* he told her he was going hiking for the weekend (without her) is extremely telling!

 

Sounds like she was irked he was ditching her for the weekend, and her having lunch with this "guy friend" was her attempt to "get him back" and rile him up the way she felt riled up. Apparently, her attempts worked hence the OP's need to start this thread!

 

To me, it's just all so obvious! And frankly I am a lil surprised the OP fell for it, and is allowing her manipulations and games get to him....

Edited July 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

Where's the OP? Is there any update?

[katiegrl]

It happened like this.

 

 

***I announced a few weeks ago I wanted to plan a walking trip with a buddy of mine (just hiking in nature). So few days ago, I told her this would happen next weekend. She instantly replied: "oh well, I'm going out with [guy friend name] next weekend."***

 

Turned out she already planned it, didn't tell me,

 

****but gave me this information as a response to me telling about having my trip scheduled. ****

 

So I can't join anyway, but she didn't invite me either.

 

Bingo! It is soooooooo obvious she only said it to garner a reaction....in response to HIM announcing he was ditching her for the weekend instead of being with her. In her mind anyway.

 

Like I said before, there is WAY more to this story than the OP had shared with us...

 

She may be feeling very neglected by him in general, and this announcement of his was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

I don't know for sure of course, but something definitely isn't jiving.

[Lateralus84]

OP is here. Thanks for all the replies. I will let her go have a drink with the guy, and I will be hiking. If she cheats, so be it: Ill be thankful for that because it will show who she is. In addition I suggested a short period (week, from today) of no contact. The reason: I believe that trust issues I seem to have that make her decide stuff behind my back need to be reflected by both of us, since she accused me of jealousy, so here I am giving her time to think this through.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Lateralus84

[katiegrl]

OP is here. Thanks for all the replies. I will let her go have a drink with the guy, and I will be hiking. If she cheats, so be it: Ill be thankful for that because it will show who she is. In addition I suggested a short period (week, from today) of no contact. The reason: I believe that trust issues I seem to have that make her decide stuff behind my back need to be reflected by both of us, since she accused me of jealousy, so here I am giving her time to think this through.

 

Good call.....but what makes you so sure she was telling you the truth about having lunch with this *friend* and NOT just attempting to elicit a jealous reaction from you...in response to YOUR ditching HER (ditching at least in her mind) for the weekend?

 

Is there something you have not shared with us that would convince you she is being truthful?

 

Reason I ask is because it is not uncommon when a girl is feeling insecure or neglected in some way, for her to play such immature games for the purpose of eliciting a jealous response, which would prove to her (in her mind) that her boyfriend cares.

 

It is completely dysfunctional but pretty common unfortunately.

[Lateralus84]

Whoa, I really don't agree with the overwhelming majority of the replies on this thread that said that this should be a concern. We're now taking two sentences that the poor girl has said with very little context, and extrapolating the magnitude of her commitment to OP? We're now making assumptions about her being manipulative based on just her asking a question?

 

OP, I can relate to your GF's situation. I have tons of guy friends, some I have slept with when single, some I haven't. I have gone for dinner and drinks with them while in a relationship, and was honest with my then-bf about who these guys were. He didn't want to dig deep in private matters, and so he would, kinda like you, just ask one question or two, which would yield him a half-baked response of "oh we slept together a few times but it didn't mean anything". These things aren't super easy to go into with your SO, so I had always wished that he had asked me more questions if he needed to understand or be reassured. I had always tried to elaborate more but then I didn't want to come off as as I were giving this dude even more importance than that. So for all you know, her asking you about whether you'd be jealous could have been her probing to see your level of comfort with the situation.

 

What you need to do is first sleep on it and get out of the highly emotional state you're in about the whole thing. Next, communicate! Try to open a dialogue and see if you need to be asking her more questions, whether you need to discuss boundaries, or whether you just need to know more about the nature of their relationship. After the discussion, take another breather. Then go with your gut about whether what she told you and her actions make you feel at peace, or whether there's still something gnawing away at you.

 

So often people neglect to keep in touch with their friends and the people that are part of who they are when they have a deep commitment, that in the end the commitment starts feeling like a huge weight. Our friends and the people in our lives are part of what makes us more interesting as individuals, to ourselves and to our partner. Don't neglect that side of you or her, because you won't realize how over the years your personality might erode without these people and it will be very hard to rebuild.

 

I like your perspective. Last thing I want is destroy her social life. That's why I do not like to prohibit stuff, and who am I to judge about which friend she can keep and which friend she cannot. Some guys do that. I do not want to be one of them. On the other hand I have a suspicious mind about guy friends, but it would be an assumption that they plan to hook up. I just doesn't feel right (see below).

 

 

Is there something you have not shared with us that would convince you she is being truthful?

 

I don't think she made it up. She had been talking about the guy before, and that she wants to meet him when he gets back. They are not having lunch, they are going out together drinking.

 

The thing that bothers me is that she gave me this info as a response of my announcement about the hiking trip. I confronted her last night: "when did you want to tell me this?" She said: "I'm just affraid to tell you because of your reaction." But the only incident of jealousy I can remember was the one I mentioned before.

 

The second thing that bothers me is that she told me they always went out together in the past and after drinking they slept in the same bed (and nothing happened). Of course that triggers my reaction (especially because he lives out of town): "I wouldn't like it if that happens this time". And only after I made that remark, she assured me that it wouldn't happen.

 

She says I have deep trust issues because of childhood trauma, so basically I will always be the one at fault when I object her behaviour. It made me angry. I have issues yes, but I still have common sense. It feels like my personality is her free pass to do everything she wants: I'm the one who's something wrong with not her. It feels frustrating, and leaves me in doubt.

 

That's why I suggested a week of no contact. If I'm such a unreasonable person and she feels justified to hide stuff from me, that I think she should reconsider this relationship. I brought this in a friendly way and she agreed.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Lateralus84

[road]

 

That's why I suggested a week of no contact. If I'm such a unreasonable person and she feels justified to hide stuff from me, that I think she should reconsider this relationship. I brought this in a friendly way and she agreed.

 

 

Talk about closing the barn door after the cow escapes. She will use this as you two are now broken up for this week and you both are free agents.

 

 

Then after she does her OM she will say well you wanted a break to see who she wants so she needed to do OM one more time to have closure babble.

[Lateralus84]

We are not broken up. So if she does, she cheats.

[katiegrl]

I like your perspective. Last thing I want is destroy her social life. That's why I do not like to prohibit stuff, and who am I to judge about which friend she can keep and which friend she cannot. Some guys do that. I do not want to be one of them. On the other hand I have a suspicious mind about guy friends, but it would be an assumption that they plan to hook up. I just doesn't feel right (see below).

 

 

 

 

I don't think she made it up. She had been talking about the guy before, and that she wants to meet him when he gets back. They are not having lunch, they are going out together drinking.

 

The thing that bothers me is that she gave me this info as a response of my announcement about the hiking trip. I confronted her last night: "when did you want to tell me this?" She said: "I'm just affraid to tell you because of your reaction." But the only incident of jealousy I can remember was the one I mentioned before.

 

The second thing that bothers me is that she told me they always went out together in the past and after drinking they slept in the same bed (and nothing happened). Of course that triggers my reaction (especially because he lives out of town): "I wouldn't like it if that happens this time". And only after I made that remark, she assured me that it wouldn't happen.

 

She says I have deep trust issues because of childhood trauma, so basically I will always be the one at fault when I object her behaviour. It made me angry. I have issues yes, but I still have common sense. It feels like my personality is her free pass to do everything she wants: I'm the one who's something wrong with not her. It feels frustrating, and leaves me in doubt.

 

That's why I suggested a week of no contact. If I'm such a unreasonable person and she feels justified to hide stuff from me, that

 

 

***I think *she* should reconsider this relationship***

 

. I brought this in a friendly way and she agreed.

 

Jmo but I think YOU should reconsider this relationship. She sounds extremely manipulative!

 

Eliciting jealousy, and then accusing you of getting jealous, when you are NOT even jealous!

 

Sorry dude, that's fu*ked up.

[Lateralus84]

Yes, well, she mentioned the guy before multiple times and I never objected her telling she has plans to hang out with him. So maybe that's why she arranged it behind my back, because she thought I wouldn't mind. But then again, why would she ask those questions?

[66Charger]

Here is why.

 

Because you dont love her.

 

Or your a id@$t. Women need validation and they need to feel protected and special. You had the perfect opportunity to squash this, by saying hell no. Don't say you are not concerned, you have posted for a reason.

 

So what have you done since she sent you this fast ball down the middle?

 

You didn't even swing. Your trip is more important than your relationship. Your attitude is, if she cheats she cheats. And on top of that you suggest No Contact?

 

Boy thats showing her she is important to you.

 

This is all on you. If you dont reverse course, dont be surprised when someone else convinces her of the truth. She is not important to you.

 

Spin it any way you want, but she warned you. Defend yourself and go have fun with your buddies. Let us all no how confident you are. But dont come whining back if this blows up in your face.

Edited July 27, 2015 by 66Charger

[katiegrl]

Yes, well, she mentioned the guy before multiple times and I never objected her telling she has plans to hang out with him. So maybe that's why she arranged it behind my back, because she thought I wouldn't mind. But then again, why would she ask those questions?

 

I already told you why....she told you to elicit jealousy in you! There is NO other reason for telling you...and like I said, when you did NOT react jealously, she upped the ante and announced the guy had slept in her bed multiple times!

 

 

It is so obvious, don't understand why you're not getting it....

[katiegrl]

Here is why.

 

Because you dont love her.

 

Or your a id@$t. Women need validation and they need to feel protected and special. You had the perfect opportunity to squash this, by saying hell no. Don't say you are not concerned, you have posted for a reason.

 

So what have you done since she sent you this fast ball down the middle?

 

You didn't even swing. Your trip is more important than your relationship. Your attitude is, if she cheats she cheats. And on top of that you suggest No Contact?

 

Boy thats showing her she is important to you.

 

This is all on you. If you dont reverse course, dont be surprised when someone else convinces her of the truth. She is not important to you.

 

Spin it any way you want, but she warned you. Defend yourself and go have fun with your buddies. Let us all no how confident you are. But dont come whining back if this blows up in your face.

 

 

I actually agree with this, which is what I was alluding to before.

 

 

She wanted you to get jealous...to put your foot down - to say NO.

 

 

Is sounds to me like you are (and have been) quite apathetic and nonchalant towards her....so she resorts to these little games in order to get a reaction from you... that shows her that you CARE!!

 

 

Do you care??? I am getting the feeling you could go either way... if she wants to stay, cool, if she wants to end it, cool.

 

 

No emotion from you whatsoever.... from a woman's perspective...that type of attitude is essentially -- arghhh!!!!

Edited July 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lateralus84]

She gets lots of love, and I always show her that I care. That should be enough.

 

I asked her again why she arranged this without telling me (last convo before the pause). She answered because she thinks it is the same as arranging a meeting with a female friend, and therefore I wouldn't mind, and it would be unneccecary to tell me.

 

Ok. So why did you ask those questions? "Well", she said, "because when I told you about the arrangement (with the male friend) I suddenly thought: maybe he would mind."

 

OK. So I asked yesterday: "when would you have told me about the arrangement in case I didn't brought up the hiking?"

She answered: "I'm just affraid to tell you because of your reaction."

 

"So yesterday you tell me your were affraid of my reaction, and today you are telling me you think it's the same as arranging a meeting with a female friend, so didn't bother to tell me about it or asking me."

 

A vague answer follows.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Lateralus84

[katiegrl]

She gets lots of love, and I always show her that I care. That should be enough.

 

I asked her again why she arranged this without telling me (last convo before the pause). She answered because she thinks it is the same as arranging a meeting with a female friend, and therefore I wouldn't mind, and it would be unneccecary to tell me.

 

Ok. So why did you ask those questions? "Well", she said, "because when I told you about the arrangement (with the male friend) I suddenly thought: maybe he would mind."

 

OK. So I asked yesterday: "when would you have told me about the arrangement in case I didn't brought up the hiking?"

She answered: "I'm just affraid to tell you because of your reaction."

 

"So yesterday you tell me your were affraid of my reaction, and today you are telling me you think it's the same as arranging a meeting with a female friend, so didn't bother to tell me about it or asking me."

 

A vague answer follows.

 

 

Okay she's just playing head games with you...

 

 

Proceed at your own peril.

 

 

Good luck!

[66Charger]

Ok, he is not going to get it. He really expects her to come out and say whats really on her mind.

 

Question for you bro. HAVE YOU EVER DATED A WOMAN BEFORE?

 

Duh

[katiegrl]

Ok, he is not going to get it. He really expects her to come out and say whats really on her mind.

 

Question for you bro. HAVE YOU EVER DATED A WOMAN BEFORE?

 

Duh

 

Yup...and what's interesting is, as a woman, I am feeling a bit frustrated at OP's elusive nature and lack of any sort of emotional response.... even with respect to how he responds on this forum!

 

 

I can only imagine what it must like being in a relationship with him.

 

 

Not a direct hit against you OP....but there does appear to be a bit of elusiveness and aloofness about you and inability to understand the nuances that go into male/female interaction.

 

 

No doubt your girlfriend is feeling that too...hence her questions trying to elicit even the slightest reaction from you in response to her going drinking with another guy.

[Space Ritual]

In addition I suggested a short period (week, from today) of no contact. The reason: I believe that trust issues I seem to have that make her decide stuff behind my back need to be reflected by both of us, since she accused me of jealousy, so here I am giving her time to think this through.

 

You did what? what? WHAT?

I'm sorry but that was in my opinion exactly the best outcome she could have hoped for.

You might as well make that no contact permanent now. You are not going to like what you find on the other end of that week.

[nouedis]

Honestly, you're going to have to either confront her about it or just trust her. I know where it is that you're coming from. You're analytical and very self conscious. I'm the same way, too. I can relate. I hope you don't go over the edge and ruin this by storming in like as if something will happen.

Take it easy.

[katiegrl]

You did what? what? WHAT?

I'm sorry but that was in my opinion exactly the best outcome she could have hoped for.

You might as well make that no contact permanent now. You are not going to like what you find on the other end of that week.

 

Space, no one can control the actions of another human being. If she wants to cheat, she's gonna cheat....he has no control over that.

 

 

All he can control are his OWN reactions thereto.

 

 

Since he feels he needs space, then THAT is what he should do.

 

 

I DO think their relationship is headed for Doomsville though.

 

 

She sounds needy and he sounds extremely independent and unaffected.

 

 

Not gonna work... as she will continue with the games to elicit a reaction and he will continue avoiding.

[Lateralus84]

Party true, Katie. I am affected. If I would not be, I would not be posting. I have feelings of jealousy but try not to show them.

 

But she can be needy yes. In fact, I am the kind of person that tends to walk away. I need space. She is the kind of person who then stalks me by blowing up my phone and visiting my home (uninvited) ringing my bell 50 times. This dynamic concerns me because we both suffer.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Lateralus84

[Friskyone4u]

There is something wrong here with your thinking my friend.

 

Camping trip aside, when you find out that she is going to spend the week end with a guy who she has spent time in same bed with and decide the camping trip is more important, that hardly shows your concern. But then you post here. How come????

 

Why dont you put asie the bravado and stick around and see who this guy is

[Try]

There is something wrong here with your thinking my friend.

 

Camping trip aside, when you find out that she is going to spend the week end with a guy who she has spent time in same bed with and decide the camping trip is more important, that hardly shows your concern. But then you post here. How come????

 

Why dont you put asie the bravado and stick around and see who this guy is

@OP: Please read this a few times until it sinks in, and then do as he says and cancel the trip.

[katiegrl]

There is something wrong here with your thinking my friend.

 

Camping trip aside, when you find out that she is going to spend the week end with a guy who she has spent time in same bed with and decide the camping trip is more important, that hardly shows your concern. But then you post here. How come????

 

Why dont you put asie the bravado and stick around and see who this guy is

 

One of my brothers is exactly like the OP. Or so it would appear. He feels jealousy, etc but he will be DAMNED if he shows or expresses those emotions to a woman! Let alone a girlfriend.

 

He thinks showing and expressing jealousy, hurt, pain, upsetness and other such emotion shows weakness and it gives the woman the upper hand which he simply cannot and will not allow.

 

He would rather cut off his finger than give a woman, even a long time girlfriend, the upper hand. So when they fight and his emotions start building, he walks out! He behaves aloofly, unaffected, apathetically.

 

Even though INSIDE, he feels the emotions, he refuses to let his gf witness those emotions.... again for fear of appearing *weak* and giving her the *upper hand.*

 

With him (my brother), it's all ego and pride and he refuses to look "weak" which he thinks showing jealousy and other emotions will do.

 

Which pisses his girlfriend off even more!

 

OP, don't know if I just described you, but like I said, my brother sounds same as you, and he has lost many great girlfriends, because they end up leaving him as his unaffected and aloof nature (on the outside) causes them to think he just does not give a shyt.

 

If you DO give a shyt OP, I would suggest you swallow your pride, put your ego and bravado aside, and start allowing your girlfriend in. Into your heart, into your psyche.

 

If you don't, she will leave you eventually, and your ego, pride and bravado won't keep your warm at night.....

Edited July 28, 2015 by katiegrl