Am I reading this right?

[Propwash72]

I feel a little silly posting this, I'm 40 freaking 2, but I feel like I'm 16.

 

I met a woman at work a few months ago. I feel like there's a definite connection; we have extended eye contact, she smiles readily at me, and apparently half the things I say are really funny to her. We conversed a few times at the office, usually in about 5 minute bursts. The banter would always come very easy. To my limited experience, something's there between us.

 

Here's the rub. I'm married. Not happily; my marriage has imploded in the last few months, and chances are we will be separating very soon. I haven't worn my rings in a while. I was very up front with this woman about my marital status, but not my marital problems.

 

I'm NOT about to have an affair. I respect her, my wife, my marriage (crappy as it is) and myself too much to play that game. I'm also afraid that having an affair with her now would wreck my chances at a legitimate relationship with her later on after my marriage ends. Not to mention it would endanger both our jobs.

 

This has gone on for several months; I deliberately limited my contact with her for a while, rationalizing that my attraction to her was more a symptom of my own loneliness and feelings of disconnect than a real thing.

 

A couple of weeks ago we were talking and she was telling me about an online side business she has that's doing well. I too have a side business that I'm looking to grow online. Since she's farther along with her business than I am, I wanted to pick her brain and bounce some ideas off of her. I invited her to lunch and she readily accepted.

 

We went to lunch and had a fantastic time. All the same factors before were present; easy conversation, lots of laughter. We spent part of the time talking about our businesses abut we mostly ended up sharing normal "get to know you" things...where we grew up, etc. etc. I legitimately took her to lunch to discuss my business, but we weren't too far into the meal when I realized that I didn't want it to end. I knew then that my feelings for her were real. Towards the end of the lunch I did confide that my marriage was in trouble. She had mentioned early on in the conversation about her ex-husband, and out of nowhere I found myself asking about how she got through it when her marriage ended. I didn't give her any specific details about my situation. I felt bad and apologized for dumping a personal thing on her that I really didn't intend to do; I violated one of my own rules about sharing personal drama with coworkers. She took it in stride.

 

After we got back to the office she sent me an email with some material she used when she was starting her business. She really did give me some fantastic feedback and helped me get unstuck on some things. I've made great progress in the last week thanks to her.

 

I replied and thanked her. Her reply went something like this:

 

"Let's brainstorm again in the future!" And then she proceeded to give me her personal cell and email.

 

Am I reading too much into this? I'm not sure why I'm posting this, since I have no intention of starting anything while I'm married. I guess it's been so long (20 years) since I've been on the dating scene and even cared whether a woman was interested in me or not that I don't trust my own instincts. Does it sound like something's there or is it just wishful thinking on my part?

[preraph]

In order to know if this goes beyond a normal social rapport with her, you have to see how she is with other people. If she's naturally outgoing and always talking and laughing with people, then you can't make anything of it. If she's way more friendly to you, then maybe you can.

 

The important thing to concentrate on here is resolving your marriage one way or the other before you make a mess. You should not let your feelings with this casual laughing woman influence whether you leave your wife. This could just be how she is with everyone -- or could just be her work demeanor. I knew a salesman that called on me once who was always smiling and friendly and then once I wasn't working there anymore, she gave me her ugly face and turned out to be a cold b*tch who faked being nice with clients. Thing is, you may not be thinking straight, and looking at this woman may be like a man on a desert island seeing sparkling blue pond, but it could be a mirage.

 

She didn't acknowledge your personal conversation in email. That's probably because the boss can see the email, but it might be because that's wasn't her purpose. I say try to focus on whatever path the marriage is taking and just be polite but don't keep going out with this lady until you are divorced. And don't be texting her on your personal phone. Those phone records can be retrieved during a divorce.

[Propwash72]

In order to know if this goes beyond a normal social rapport with her, you have to see how she is with other people. If she's naturally outgoing and always talking and laughing with people, then you can't make anything of it. If she's way more friendly to you, then maybe you can.

 

The important thing to concentrate on here is resolving your marriage one way or the other before you make a mess. You should not let your feelings with this casual laughing woman influence whether you leave your wife. This could just be how she is with everyone -- or could just be her work demeanor. I knew a salesman that called on me once who was always smiling and friendly and then once I wasn't working there anymore, she gave me her ugly face and turned out to be a cold b*tch who faked being nice with clients. Thing is, you may not be thinking straight, and looking at this woman may be like a man on a desert island seeing sparkling blue pond, but it could be a mirage.

 

She didn't acknowledge your personal conversation in email. That's probably because the boss can see the email, but it might be because that's wasn't her purpose. I say try to focus on whatever path the marriage is taking and just be polite but don't keep going out with this lady until you are divorced. And don't be texting her on your personal phone. Those phone records can be retrieved during a divorce.

 

That makes a lot of sense.

 

No, she's not going to be a factor in how my marriage issue gets resolved. I see the danger, but my marriage problems predate her. I'm not about to start anything with her while I'm married, that's out of the question. I also have yet to communicate with her outside of work, for the reasons you mention above.

 

Because I've been out of the game so long, and because of what I've been through the last few months, I don't trust my own intuition. It SEEMS like there's a real connection there; if and when I'm single I'd definitely pursue something with her, but obviously I can't at the moment.

 

I know I shouldn't be worried about it. Like you said I should be focused on getting my marriage situation resolved.

 

I guess it bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me.

[preraph]

Work relationships are always mine fields. First, a lot of people climb the ladder by flirting and flattering, so you can never be sure their motive. Secondly, of course, if you get together and then it goes south, as it most certainly will if she's the first one after your divorce or during it, then it gets very messy at work. So please continue to use common sense and don't accidentally cause a clusterf*ck of problems for yourself.

[Survivor12]

If you have no intention of getting involved with her before your divorce, why does it matter if she "feels a connection" with you now?

 

C'mon, be honest...you aren't even separated, much less divorced. Is your wife even aware that a separation is imminent? It isn't a coincidence that your marriage began imploding "a few months ago"--around the time that you met this woman.

 

What's even more unbelievable is that you invited a woman you are attracted to out to lunch for purely professional reasons. Nonsense. The "business" talk was an excuse & you know it. If you were truly committed to avoiding an affair, you would never have put yourself in a situation to increase the temptation.

 

You certainly won't be the first person to claim, "It wasn't my fault--it just happened!" when caught in an affair--and, if you start one, it is highly likely that you WILL be caught, because you aren't very good at deception.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage for reasons other than your crush on the woman at work, talk to your wife & either work on it together or get a divorce. Either way, your attention needs to be on a resolution--not on whether or not a woman you've known a few months is interested in you.

[Propwash72]

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am fooling myself....I really did want her feedback on my business (and her feedback was really helpful), but yeah...was I anticipating getting to know her better in the process? Sure I was.

 

 

She's not the cause of our marital issues; my wife dropped the bomb on me about her unhappiness and emotional infidelity 6 weeks before I met her. With 20/20 hindsight I see that our issues started more than 3 years ago. Even at that time I did have the presence of mind to stay away from her because I knew I was not in the best frame of mind.

 

 

My wife and I have been in counseling ever since (10 months now) with little progress. There's not much doubt for either of us as to where things are going.

 

 

It shouldn't matter what this woman thinks of me, but at 0300 on the morning I posted this question, it did. and it still bothers me. I'll get over it eventually, like anything else. Nothing inappropriate is going to happen with her. I just wanted feedback on whether what I'm picking up is real or wishful thinking. while I'm over the shock and awe of my marriage problems, I'm sure my judgment still isn't the best.

[ITw]

Just start out as friends and stay in some contact. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[jenny2013]

Take a look at the thread that I posted about my boss/friend.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/537933-sigh-crush-married-friend-boss

 

Not quite the same, but similar.

[fireflywy]

To the OP, you're basically projecting. You and your wife are going through rocky straights, you're headed for the rocks, which you wish you weren't, and this woman has become a screen you're projecting your desires onto because you and your wife aren't working.

 

She may very well just be a fantasy. With that said, if 10 months of marriage counseling isn't working and you are feeling a pull elsewhere at this point, its time to abandon ship. When you do, do it with as much dignity as you can muster and wait until its settled before you look for another port.