girlfriend left me for another guy and sent me photos day after breakup

[mano1982]

you guys have all been so helpful, i cant thank you enough. the rollercoaster ride of emotions is still going . today was day 1 of the bar, it was hard staying focused, i would read a question, my mind would race to her, it angry and sad. the stress is crazy. im disgusted that sge pulled this crap now, intentionally trying to screw with my life, everything ive worked for but this will further strengthen my determination to stick with NC. i wish i could do something to drive her completely bat**** but i think im just overwhelmed and angry. man, ive read so many stories identical to mine and the pain these poor ppl go through is sad. and to think shese bpds just go along their way leaving utter destruction behind them without a blink. i know i cant diagnose her but the similarities are unreal.

i will promise you all one thing, i will never go near that girl again, i told my friends and her friends, some of whom cut her off after seeing what shes been doing, to not tell me anything. i realize how emotionally screwed i am and i need to fix that now. its a little eaaier to deal with knowing there are other ppl out there feeling the same way with an almost identical set of circumstances. i hope when im better i can help someone like u all are helping me

[Downtown]

i think im just overwhelmed and angry.

I suggest you hold onto that anger and use it like a crutch to help you walk away from this toxic relationship. Then, after a year or so -- when you are safely away -- kick aside this crutch. When anger stops serving that protective function, it will only harm you.

 

i will promise you all one thing, i will never go near that girl again.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

 

its a little eaaier to deal with knowing there are other ppl out there feeling the same way with an almost identical set of circumstances.

Actually, there are hundreds of millions of us. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found roughly 6% of them to have a lifetime incidence of full-blown BPD. Because BPDers desperately seek out a partner as a way of acquiring an identity, it is rare for them to stay in LTRs with other BPDers. When both partners in a R/S don't know who they are and are unstable, they break up quickly. This is why BPDer LTRs nearly always are with "Nons" (i.e., nonBPDers). If so, this means nearly 12% of LTRs have a BPDer as one of the partners.

 

But there are two reasons to believe the figure is well above 12%. One is that the 12% figure is based only on the share of full-blown BPDers. As I noted earlier, a person satisfying only 80% of the diagnostic criteria (thus, "not having BPD") likely will be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%.

 

The second reason the 12% is understated is that BPDers typically have far more LTRs than other people do. After all, they HATE to be alone because they sorely need someone else to supply the missing sense of identity. And they keep pushing their LTR partners away because, as time goes by, they become increasingly resentful of the partner's inability to make them happy -- and become increasingly fearful of abandonment when they see the partner enforcing personal boundaries.

 

That's why I believe BPDers account for well above 12% of LTRs in the general population. And that figure should be larger still when you look not at the general population but, rather, at those LTRs that are so painful that one partner ends up seeking help here on the LoveShack forum.

 

i hope when im better i can help someone like u all are helping me.

You've already started helping people, Mano. Your story has already attracted nearly 1,100 views in less than four days. But, yes, I share your hope that you will have time to start participating in the threads of other members. Your painful experience in a toxic relationship has given you knowledge that can be very valuable to other people headed down the same path. Edited July 30, 2015 by Downtown

[sacg]

" And they keep pushing their LTR partners away because, as time goes by, they become increasingly resentful of the partner's inability to make them happy -- and become increasingly fearful of abandonment when they see the partner enforcing personal boundaries."

 

My God! How bloody accurate. this stuff is scaring the **** out of me!

Shes finished with me! Yet when i come to take my stuff and close it all off, shes angry as hell at me and makes me feel like ive ended it, like im abandoning her!

 

youre not alone Mano! going thru it right now

Edited July 30, 2015 by sacg

[aloneinaz]

i will promise you all one thing, i will never go near that girl again, i told my friends and her friends, some of whom cut her off after seeing what shes been doing, to not tell me anything. i realize how emotionally screwed i am and i need to fix that now. its a little eaaier to deal with knowing there are other ppl out there feeling the same way with an almost identical set of circumstances. i hope when im better i can help someone like u all are helping me

 

 

As Downtown so accurately told you, USE that anger as a means to NEVER have contact with her again. Insure she's blocked on all social media. You may even consider changing your phone number. You don't need to see any of her drama thru texts.

 

 

If you want revenge or payback? VANISH from her life and move onto someone mentally healthy. That would be the best revenge you could do. When my crazy undiagnosed BPD ex ended us, I was F'ing done! I was so mad at myself for not having dumped her first!! I promised myself that I'd NEVER contact her again...EVER..

 

 

How did I maintain that stance? After I was able to sleep and eat again after a month, I said "screw this" and started to casually date again. It helped me get my self esteem and confidence back. I live alone and while I love my alone time, I also love women. A few months post break up, I met my now 2 year GF who I live with now. It's been such a HUGE adjustment to date a NORMAL, mentally healthy woman. I felt like I was suffering PTSD for the first year of dating her as I was still in the habit of walking on egg shells and waiting for her to start acting like the crazy ex. Thankfully, I know I'm over the shell shockedness over the ex and don't miss the toxic, chaos of the previous relationship.

 

 

As I stated, if you vanish from this crazy woman's life, there's a HIGH probability that you may hear from her again. Be strong and ignore her while staying strong! NC, vanishing from her life and time passing is the only thing that will allow you to heal from this. When you're ready, casually dating again will help you repair you self esteem and remind you that you were NOT the crazy one.

[mano1982]

Thank you everyone. You guys are really spot on. Apparently her mother, who convinced me to stay with her the first time, is telling my relatives that as soon as her daughter gets back, we are going to get back together. Are these people out of their minds? They think for one second i will ever look in her direction then they are crazier than she is. Last summer the mother did her best to convince me she wasn't seeing anyone else. Now she doesn't have that luxury bc i saw it with my own eyes. What is wrong with these people? They encourage her crazy behavior. Its unbelievable

[mano1982]

today is a little difficult, i dont know why. maybe the whole rollercoaster of emotions. i miss what we will never have again. she destroyed everything in the blink of an eye and has no idea what shes done. how can people do these things and have no remorse? its like someone took over her mind. was it always the same person? what happened to the girl from the airport or in the messages? how can this be the same person

[Chi townD]

Thank you everyone. You guys are really spot on. Apparently her mother, who convinced me to stay with her the first time, is telling my relatives that as soon as her daughter gets back, we are going to get back together. Are these people out of their minds? They think for one second i will ever look in her direction then they are crazier than she is. Last summer the mother did her best to convince me she wasn't seeing anyone else. Now she doesn't have that luxury bc i saw it with my own eyes. What is wrong with these people? They encourage her crazy behavior. Its unbelievable

 

Look, her mother is trying to be on your side. The thing is, she see's her daughter and see's what she's doing. She probably has seen a pattern with her that she gets with guys that have treated her like dirt. She gets with you and her mother see's a good guy that is FINALLY treating her daughter right! FINALLY, a guy she always envisioned her daughter to be with. And her daughter pisses it away. So, her mother is in denial. She wants to see YOU with HER! Because she see's everything her daughter should have in YOU!

 

 

If anything to take away from this is that you were doing right by her and others seen it. You were doing the right things, but unfortunately with the wrong girl. So, take solace knowing that her own mother, HER PARENTS wanted you for her.

[Downtown]

Its like someone took over her mind. was it always the same person? what happened to the girl from the airport or in the messages? how can this be the same person?

Yes, Mano, you're seeing the same person and same personality. But, as I tried to explain in post #15 above, that personality is fragmented if she exhibits strong BPD traits. A common complaint heard from the abused partners of BPDers -- due to the rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde -- is that they feel like they're living with someone who is half way to having a "multiple personality disorder." Actually, that disorder is now called "Dissociative Identity Disorder," reflecting the current view that DID sufferers don't really have "multiple personalities."

 

Instead, the current view is that they have a single personalty but reveal different fragments of it because, during early childhood, they did not have an opportunity to integrate those disparate features of the personality. I mention this only to make the point that, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, her personality is not really changing. Rather, you are simply seeing different aspects of the very same personality which is fragmented, not integrated. If so, she lacks a stable, strong sense of who she is and thus resorts to frequent black-white thinking and rapid mood flips.

[mano1982]

didk uguys for taking the time to respond. Past couple days I've just been sad, missing her. I know she's no good but digesting what's happening and her lack of remorse can get a little overwhelming. i dont know if she realizes what she's done having crossed the line . princess it hurts really bad and it's not fair. I just wanted her to come home, i missed her. I love that girl a great deal and after how brutal she was last summer I took her back. she put on the tears n cried told me she had nobody and that she was sorry for everything. then she did it all over again but worse. I know this is a blessing I just want this pain and confusion to stop and I want to feel happy. I figured by the no contact she would miss me and realize she went too far. i guess thats not going to happen. she has this sheep hearder giving her all this attention and hes putting up videos mocking me. I think the hardest part is accepting that it's over for good. I know I can never take her back but I feel like its a bad dream I'm going to wake up out of then she will be here. why are people so screwed up? why wasnt my love good enough for what she wanted. she loved me , the messages I have a few weeks ago were so sweet and sounded like she was so much in love. the more I read and try to understand some more I'm realizing that the traits she's exhibiting are borderline and narcissistic, ego is so huge, it never had to be with me, I was never her competition I was the man that loved her and would do anything for her. I traveled across the world las summer and he ripped me apart. why did i take her back I went through some old notes I had from last summer and I was feeling the same thing I'm feeling now. that means the past winter was all bull**** because if she cared she would never have put me through the same nightmare and worse because now I know she's cheated and it's hard to accept that it's happening again. the feeling of worthlessness gets overwhelming sometimes. hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow I guess I'm having a down day. I understand none of what behavior she's exhibited is normal I get that I just don't understand how I fell for it again. 10 months I never saw anything like this or any hint that she might do something like this. I mean I noticed little outbursts but she would keep them to herself in her room and the typical mood swings. maybe I chose not to want to see them. it's hard to picture the woman I had in my arms a few weeks ago is now in someone elses. bad enough she's doing it but then to rub it in my face what the hell is wrong with her how did I love this person. I'm shocked, hurt disgusted I don't even know how to describe it

[aloneinaz]

Mano,

 

 

It's going to continue to be painful and hurt until you make an important decision to stop OBSESSING about her and that toxic, dysfunctional relationship. You need to force yourself to stop looking back, reviewing old emails/texts from her and trying to figure this all out. You also need to stop viewing social media and block her on everything.

 

 

Until you do this, you're only wallowing in self pity and drama. I know it hurts. I've been there. I also know doing what I suggested above is the only thing that will get you thru this and on the road to being back to 100%.

[Downtown]

I don't know if she realizes what she's done having crossed the line.

Mano, if she is a BPDer (exhibits strong traits) as you believe, she very likely does realize she crossed the line. She simply does not care -- because, due to her inability to trust and her distorted perception of your intentions, she has "split you black" (flipped to the stage where she is devaluing you).

 

She put on the tears n cried told me she had nobody and that she was sorry for everything.... I just want this pain and confusion to stop and I want to feel happy.

For caregivers like us, walking away from a BPDer is extremely painful. We are so empathetic that we can see the frightened, vulnerable, little child in her. Because BPDers have the emotional development of a young child, they exhibit a warmth and emotional purity of expression that young children exhibit. In that respect, they are very childlike -- an endearing quality that makes us feel like we are abandoning a young child when we walk away.

 

She loved me , the messages I have a few weeks ago were so sweet and sounded like she was so much in love.

If she is a BPDer, she very likely did love you -- albeit in an immature, childlike manner. As I discussed earlier, however, a BPDer's conscious mind can be fully out of touch with those loving feelings in ten seconds. This occurs when she flips from splitting you white to splitting you black. And weeks or months later, she can flip back just as quickly. Importantly, this type of love is far too immature to support a husband/wife relationship. The best you could hope for with a BPDer is a parent/child relationship. You deserve much better than that.

 

Why wasn't my love good enough for what she wanted?

Because, if she is a BPDer, your love HURTS her as much as it HELPS her. As I tried to explain earlier, a BPDer craves love and intimacy but -- when she gets it -- she cannot handle it. Because she has such a weak sense of who she is, she gets a suffocating feeling of losing herself into your strong personality during intimacy. The result is that she will feel dominated and controlled and thus will create a fight -- over nothing at all -- to push you away.

 

On top of all that, the more you love her the greater her fear of abandonment. That is, the more valuable you become by showing your love, the greater the loss she will experience when losing you. And a BPDer lives in fear that, although you may love her right this minute, you will abandon her the day you realize how empty she feels on the inside. She lives in fear that you eventually will see the emptiness she sees inside. This is what happens when a person is filled with self loathing and has a great fear of abandonment.

[mano1982]

Sorry for the spelling errors its not letting me correct them but I know what you mean I don't go through old emails or text that would just be too painful im just trying to get it out of my system. I was sad yesterday but today will be a better day. she is blocked on all social media. I'm going to get through this I think I was venting. I'm not really talking about it anymore to anybody close to me I'm not talking about it anymore to anybody close to me. thank you for the advice I'm going to toughen up a little bit

[mano1982]

Downtown thank you always for taking the time to respond. my confusion I guess lays when she became infuriated that I hung up on her and shut her out of my life for a day. those were the words she used. I was just mad that she lied about the flight she was supposed to come back today actually. and then we were supposed to go on vacation. I had noticed a couple weeks prior when this guy was in the picture she was complaining I wasn't sending her goodnight messages and it seems to be bothering even though I always talk to her till she fell asleep and multiple times a day. I guess rehashing this will do me no good. thank you for your thoughtfulness

[Chi townD]

Hey, shouldn't you be on vacation yourself? I thought I advised you to get away for a bit?

[mano1982]

ya i am, the wknd of the 14th. your right, i need to, it will do me some good

[aloneinaz]

Mano,

 

 

You'll be fine, I promise. I can tell you I was where you were 2.5 years ago. Reading Downtown's excellent posts about BPD's, brings me back to that time frame and the craziness I endured with her. His amazing knowledge of BPD and his examples of their behaviors can give me the chills when I think of how my ex acted just like that.

 

 

I remember this ex always telling me I was "the love of her life" and other over the top sweet things. I remember when we ended. I told everyone that her words never meant crap. Her actions did all her speaking for her.

 

 

What you need to do is remind yourself that "she's someone else's problem". Don't lose sight that whoever she's with is going to be put through the same hell as you endured. I'm sure my ex is torturing her BF of the quarter as well.

[Downtown]

My confusion I guess lays when she became infuriated that I hung up on her and shut her out of my life for a day. those were the words she used.

Mano, establishing a personal boundary and enforcing it -- as you did that day -- scares the hell out of a BPDer. There is nothing more frightening because, as soon as you stop walking on eggshells and start standing up for yourself, a BPDer mistakenly perceives it as absolute proof that you are planning on walking away soon. As you know, a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment and she mistakenly sees threats of it in all sorts of harmless comments and actions. Hence, if your Ex is a BPDer, she likely saw your decision to stop enabling with doormat behavior as proof positive that you're about to abandon her.

 

That's what my BPDer exW thought when, at the end of our 15 year marriage, I started establishing and enforcing stronger personal boundaries. Although I had no intention of leaving her, she was so frightened that she chased me from room to room in a rage and then called the police to have me arrested on a bogus charge of "brutalizing" her.

 

This is why I caution abused partners that, if they are determined to continue living with a loved one having strong BPD traits, the conventional advice about "establishing strong personal boundaries" likely will have little or no benefit. Any attempt to enforce such boundaries likely will result in the BPDer leaving the R/S so as to preemptively abandon her partner before he has a chance to do it to her.

 

If you want to remain in a BPDer relationship, you must continue to play one of two roles: Rescuer or Perpetrator. As long as you're trying to rescue her, she must be the "damsel in distress" -- i.e., The Victim. Or, as long as you are the Perpetrator who is blamed for every misfortune, she is The Victim. When you stop validating that false self image, you cease to serve a useful function because a BPDer's greatest need is to validate that identity. Although it is a FALSE identity, it's the closest thing to a real identity she has -- so she maintains a death grip on it and won't give it up.

[mano1982]

Well guys you are spot on I received a message yesterday from her asking for closure and it was her basically just putting me down and blame me for everything using the stupidest excuses you can think of all attention related. she says I love you so much because of the way you loved me. and she need someone who can give her more love. I don't know what the hell she wants the whole thing was just negative all about me not giving her enough attention and the reasons she used were so ridiculous and childish I didn't even know what to say . she basically mentioned a couple incidents that really describe her one of which was we both live with our parents and I should have had an apartment and the other was she didn't appreciate me bringing up my friends when we would have conversations. out of a almost two year relationship that's what she has to complain about

[mano1982]

funny thing is in two weeks shes coming back

[Downtown]

Mano, thanks for giving us another update. Sure sounds like same'o, same'o -- nothing you haven't seen before. I suspect you're going to do fine standing your ground when she returns in two weeks. You know you've dodged a bullet!

[mano1982]

Absolutely my friend and I've taken the initiative and I started meeting with someone to discuss the self esteem issues and the damage that's been done to heal myself from all of this. it's kind of funny he literally said to me if you talk to her again we're going to go down to the parking garage your going to stand in front of my car and I'm going to run you over. it didn't take long for him to figure it out after two or three sessions he was almost certain it's BPD related. I'm not going to lie it still hurts thinking that she gave herself to someone else but I know in the long run this is the best thing that could have happened as much as it hurt

[mano1982]

I never quite realized I had such a strong boundary when it came to cheating and I took a little big at the new boyfriend too I said to her would you have ever expected me to post pictures of us being intimate a day after you broke up with your boyfriend to hurt him does that sound like something I would ever do to anybody. if she ends up resenting anybody for this I'd like it to be him. I'm like to have any idea how that made you look to your own friends and family did you even think about that for a second because her image is so important to her I guess it was in a way to get her off her high horse thinking she's met this fantastic amazing guy truthfully what kind of person would do that it was the day after we fought we weren't even broken up let her keep him i wish them both the best of luck that's how I ended it

[mano1982]

She won't stop blaming me and sending me messages. I'll block her on one email she will send to the other. She's basically saying I pushed her away and it's all my fault and she's happy. It's like she won't give up till she gets the last word. I'm telling her to leave me alone and stay away from me, that she died in my eyes when she cheated. She keeps writing messages so I stopped reading them. I blocked her on another email today. I feel much better but this brings me back a few steps. She will be back in a week. What do u guys think I should expect

[mano1982]

Everyone here including her friends want me to completely steer clear of her which is good support for me but I'm afraid shes going to try to show up somewhere and it's making me very nervous. I told her not to approach me, to stay away, and not to bother sending messages bc I dont read them. The messages aren't nice, it's just her putting the blame on Me for not giving her attention and pushing her away. She's full of cran and she knows it but it's driving me nuts. I'm done crying over this girl, I'm donE with her. I'm afraid bc I feel vulnerable

[Downtown]

Mano, just continue on your path of maintaining NC. The feeling of vulnerability you experience is just a feeling. Feeling it doesn't mean you have to believe it. As Arizona has suggested, it is important that you stop obsessing about her. Work toward diverting your thoughts away from her so as to distract your mind.