Open marriage with bisexual husband - not poly!

[ohjoyitsjulie]

So my husband had told me he's bisexual - back in the day he had give/gotten a BJ from a guy or two, but that is all and that's all he was interested in (no butts, kissing, etc.).

 

Recently we've been trying to spice things up and we were talking about things we'd like to try. He told me he's always been interested in having an open relationship, and he asked if I would be interested in trying it out. We talked about our "rules" and I told him no women for him, just guys & BJ's only, which he said he was 100% OK with. He also didn't really have any rules for me, other than not completely random hook ups all the time. After we talked it out, I freaked out and changed my mind . . . which he was 100% OK with. He said it's just something that he was interested in, but if we never did it he'd be perfectly fine with that. Just like a fantasy every now and then. He's not interested in a relationship status . . . just simply hanging out with a guy friend and maybe getting a BJ every now and then. The same goes for me in a way, I'm not at all interested in having a relationship with another person, just a friends with benefits things if it came to that.

 

I wanted to see if any others have tried this before in their relationship and how did it go? I love my husband and I'm terrified this would screw things up for us, but I'm also interested in trying it out. Thanks!

 

To clarify, our sex life now is good, but we both like different things. We were trying to find a "common ground" on something we were both interested in to give a try. I wasn't really into some of the things he's wanted to try and vice versa.

Edited July 26, 2015 by ohjoyitsjulie
addition

[jen1447]

So my husband had told me he's bisexual - back in the day he had give/gotten a BJ from a guy or two, but that is all and that's all he was interested in (no butts, kissing, etc.).

 

Recently we've been trying to spice things up and we were talking about things we'd like to try. He told me he's always been interested in having an open relationship, and he asked if I would be interested in trying it out. We talked about our "rules" and I told him no women for him, just guys & BJ's only, which he said he was 100% OK with. He also didn't really have any rules for me, other than not completely random hook ups all the time. After we talked it out, I freaked out and changed my mind . . . which he was 100% OK with. He said it's just something that he was interested in, but if we never did it he'd be perfectly fine with that. Just like a fantasy every now and then. He's not interested in a relationship status . . . just simply hanging out with a guy friend and maybe getting a BJ every now and then. The same goes for me in a way, I'm not at all interested in having a relationship with another person, just a friends with benefits things if it came to that.

 

I wanted to see if any others have tried this before in their relationship and how did it go? I love my husband and I'm terrified this would screw things up for us, but I'm also interested in trying it out. Thanks!

 

To clarify, our sex life now is good, but we both like different things. We were trying to find a "common ground" on something we were both interested in to give a try. I wasn't really into some of the things he's wanted to try and vice versa.

 

Just my opinion but you don't seem like you have the right mindset for an open relationship. You seem apprehensive in general (you "freaked," you're "terrified," etc.), and that spells trouble.

[oldshirt]

 

To clarify, our sex life now is good, but we both like different things. We were trying to find a "common ground" on something we were both interested in to give a try. .

 

your common ground is that you'd both like to get it on with other dudes.

 

 

Search your feelings and be honest with yourself; will you be able to respect him and have desirous feelings for him if he is having sex with other men?

 

 

Did either of you mention other women at all?

[ohjoyitsjulie]

I've really never given any REAL thought about being with anyone other than my husband . . . . who doesn't fantasize sometimes though? We did talk about other women, but I've never done anything with another women so we had talked about other men since we kind of shared that? It was my idea for no other women for him, because I'm afraid he'd become too attached to her, etc. He's not attracted to guys, he said guys just give decent BJs. We talked about trying a 3 way instead of an open relationship, and I asked him if he had a choice of another guy or girl which would it be . . . he picked a girl.

 

He wouldn't be having sex with other men . . . just BJs which I know is still a sex act, its just different though. That I could live with, and he did say if at anytime I don't want to do it anymore we'll both stop. I'm just afraid things will get really weird.

[elaine567]

He wouldn't be having sex with other men . . . just BJs which I know is still a sex act, its just different though. That I could live with, and he did say if at anytime I don't want to do it anymore we'll both stop. I'm just afraid things will get really weird.

 

OK, but how are you going to police that, if he is going to have encounters and dealings with I guess mostly homosexual men, then how are you going to know what they get up to? He says he not attracted to men, but only wants a BJ from a man... Yeah right!

 

How will you know how attracted and attached he is?

It is all rather naive on your part.

 

YOU don't want him to see women as he will most likely get attached, but you are happy that he has the odd BJ with men, as if the odd BJ carries no risk of attachment whatsoever????

 

Opening up your marriage to other people carries risk, it doesn't sound to me that you are fully on board and are only doing this merely to please him and are adding your "rules" to make yourself feel better but none are in reality enforceable.

 

The bottom line here, is that he wants to see other people, men and women by the sounds of things and you are happy, if you were to be honest, just with him.

It doesn't sound like a great basis to me, for an open marriage.

[road]

The risk of getting diseases that will kill you should be enough for you to kill this open nonsense.

 

 

Then if you have been on infidelity forums long enough you will see that ground rules get broken all the time, affairs happen, unwanted pregnancies. Quite often the with then divorces the H for her OM.

 

 

Do not go down that road.

[oldshirt]

 

He's not attracted to guys, he said guys just give decent BJs.

.

 

How many people have you had oral sex with that you weren't attracted to and had chemistry with?

 

I'm sorry but people just don't put other people's body parts in their mouths unless they dig it and are attracted to the person.

 

There are married heterosexual men out there that are what is called "cock curious" where they are just kind of curious what it would be like to touch another man's joint. It's more of a curiosity/fantasy thing and some couples will explore that curiosity/fantasy together in an MMF three way.

 

However what separates your scenario is that your H has had prior experiences with this and digs it and wants to pursue this as a lifestyle.

 

Your husband is clearly bisexual (not that there's anything wrong with bisexual) and he is going to continue to have these yearnings whether you agree to condone them or not. It's all about how he deals with those yearnings.

 

This is going to come down to Frank discussions on boundaries and limits and the role of exclusivity vs nonmonogamy in your marriage.

 

All hetero couples must do the same thing as all hetero couples still have yearnings for sexuality with other members of the opposite sex. This case just has the added layers of how to deal with his yearnings for other men as well.

[oldshirt]

And you haven't answered my question. Will you still be able to respect him and see him as a "real man" if he starts blowing other dudes?

 

Will you still be able to be attracted to him him and desire him if he indulges in this activity?

 

Even though you are obviously trying to be open minded and enlightened, do you still feel that homosexuality is wrong or sinful or disgusting deep down??

 

Conversely, is there a part of you that finds it titillating and arousing and intriguing? (Some chicks do dig dudes getting down with other dudes. Not a lot but they are out there)

 

This is all about being upfront and open and honest about boundaries and limits and conditions and parameters etc.

 

Both partners need to have veto powers and need to have their boundaries complied with. Both need to be able to safely express their desires and objectives as well as express their limits and boundaries.

 

And both people need to work out what can and cannot happen and under what circumstances and scenarios and conditions it can and cannot occur.

 

That can take a lot of time and a lot of communication. My wife and I used to be very active in swinging. It was about 2 years between the time it first came up until we had actual full swap sex with another couple. Two years of discussion and slowly working their way into is not an unusual length of time for a lot of couples.

[Mr. Lucky]

He wouldn't be having sex with other men . . . just BJs which I know is still a sex act, its just different though.

 

So your husband, who is attracted to other men, is going to be giving/receiving oral sex - I assume you won't be there - and both partners, all cocked up, are going to draw the line there? Hormones fully flowing, no insertion?

 

That sounds like a reasonable expectation to you ???

 

Mr. Lucky