Give up or fight on?

[Minnie]

I have been in a relationship for over 4 years which has been a mixture of so many feelings - but on the most alot of loving and caring.

 

But during this time I have also found out my boyfriend was having intense internet friendships. He normally has been in touch with girls from a period of 6 months to 1 year. Two particular girls he became very emotionally involved. Starting with chats, emails, phone calls and finally into meetings. He says there was no sex but admitted to flirting and offering friendships. Each time I found out something we would have fights but then we would make up. But then these same internet friends would start surfacing again.

 

I have now reached a point where it really is make or break. He says he loves me and knows he has made many mistakes and cannot see a future without me - he has been "good" only for the last 5 months. We both fought, discussed and screamed about everything and the problems around. I know we get on really well when we do...but these hidden lies eat me up. The trust is running thin!

 

I know he has realised he is wrong...but what now....how can I decide if its worth starting all over again? Or should we just take a break from each other? (Although he is totally against this).

 

A mans point of view would be really interesting for me. I need to know why when a man who says he is so in love they feel the need to get in touch with other women like this for fun? Is it a common problem or am I just being blind to it all!!

[Laurynn]

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think that when you're in a relationship with someone, there's really no NEED, nor is it 'right' to go looking for friendships online, with those of the opposite sex. ESPECIALLY when the guy is made aware by his partner that she's hurt by this. Relationships, to me, are all about mutual respect.

 

Personally, I know I'd have little respect for a guy who has nothing better to do with his time than goof around on the 'net and go to chat rooms, meet 'chicks', then correspond with them. God, of all the productive things to do in life (sports, hobbies, hang out with REAL people in REAL LIFE, read, take a course, spend time with your significant other or family members), I'd seriously question the maturity of some guy who spends his time 'chatting', but hey..that's just me. I used to do the chat room thing 4 yrs ago, when I first got my computer but the novelty wore off pretty darn quickly. I see it as a huge, senseless waste of good time.

 

What ages are you and your b/f??

 

The women he's actually 'met' in the past, how did you find out about this? Did he freely admit it, or did you 'catch him'?

 

Some guys just really get a major ego boost to have women interested in them. They get addicted to chatting it up with all kinds of women. What better place to get your ego stroked than in a chat room.....you can meet soooooo many women there....be everything they want you to be. I think a person like this has some 'issues'....

 

So out of your 4 yr relationship, how much of it has been with him 'corresponding with' women he's met online? And what was his explanation for him having actually 'met' some of them in person?

 

You say he's been 'good' for the past 5 months. How do you know for sure? Do you two live together?

 

Laurynn

[unnamed]

This does not sound uncommon. In fact, I went through a similar problem with my girlfriend. It boiled down to attention, at least for me. I have never recieved much attention in my life; from parents, siblings, friends, pretty much everyone. When I notice someone noticing me, or who is being attentive to me (either through listening or through eye contact, but generally the latter), I become attentive to them. I basically "tune in" and enjoy.

 

Now, it just so happened that ever since I met my girlfriend, numerous girls were beginning to be attentive. I happened to notice it, as I notice any eye that glances at me. My girlfriend, of course, dissaproved. I confessed to her the problem, and told her why I thought this was happening. I told her I would change, and eventually, I did. It was a long haul, lasting a few months (considering that there was one woman who was always staring at me. And, coincidentally, she was good looking (and apparantely beautiful to my girlfriend).)

 

Anyway, I recovered from the problem. At times, it is still strong to hold back from looking at the woman, knowing that she might be looking at me. I enjoyed the attention.

 

So I can understand what your boyfriend has been going through. It is not easy to suddenly "lose it." Its an enduring process for some.

 

Setting this aside, you claim you both are in love. True love is unconditional, thus for better or for worse. I think you should follow this 'condition' within the bounds of unconditional love. (That might confuse you... )

 

Your boyfriends problem can be overcome, no doubt. Chances are, he truly is in love with you and both adores and admires you. But, no one is perfect, and people struggle with things. Some people fight the desire to have multiple partners while involved with someone, and others battle problems like this.

 

Your problem seems minor, although it can escalate. If he does it again, something is wrong. All he needs to do is trash their message history, and simply ignore their messages. It can be done; I have defeated it before.

 

So do not lose hope. Your boyfriend has stopped for 5 months, and that is indeed something which should be taken into consideration and valued.

 

Keep in there. In the end, you'll be glad you fought it!