he lied, cant get over it, he wants 2nd chance should i?

[moniemon]

my boyfriend and i have been going out for a year and 4 months, just last friday i discovered that he had been smoking weed behind my back.

when we got together he used to smoke it and i knew i mean i dont like it but i can tolerate it so anyway he lost his job and i told him he needed to quit until he found another job. (we were trying to get our own place ) he said ok. he stayed jobless for nine months, mooching off ofme and my family. he was really into smoking so during these months i would ask him have you been smoking? he would look me in my eyes, straight at my face and would say no. i would make him swear that he wasnt smoking i would make him look into my eyes and he would lie and say baby i wouldnt smoke because i know you dont like it, i wouldnt do that to you because i know u'd be mad and i dont want to loose you.

 

so anyway i caught him in the act and he said that that was the only time he'd smoked since we agreed he'd stop. well slowly but surely he admitted to have been smoking for the past four months, tho i believe longer. so anyways he and i have never had any issues as far as trust and lying to each other. ive always told him everything and he's always told me everything or so i thought. we are not perfect nor was our relationship but we were in love i trusted him to be honest and he wasnt. he treated me like a queen like basically everyone thought that i had him like if i said jump he'd say how high. (tho i never took him for granted or advantage) he was my prince charming the guy who was different from all the other a**h***s ive ever been with and he lied to me, its no really so much the weed thing its just that he lied and it was soooo easy for him to lie, the lies just rolled off his tounge like nothing. the day i found out and day after i was a wreck i was crying really hard i was weezing and huffing and i looked horibble i just kept asking him why. i literally felt like if he had cheated on me i cant explain it you guys might thing im over reacting but to me once youve betrayedme there is no going back. i lived for this man i loved him with all my heart and he still lied to me, even the night i confronted him i kept asking him "you'd never lie to me right baby?' and he still lied. he said he didnt tell me because he was scared that i'd leave him.

 

now its almost a week later and the spark i had for him isnt there. i still care for him but im not sure if i still love him. i dont know if loneliness wants me to keep him around or if i truly still love him. i get caught up in the moment someitmes when were together and hug him and kiss him but then i get so angry because i feel like he's getting off easy like he hasnt hurt like i have like our love wasnt as deep as i thought. yesterday i told him it was completely over that i didnt want to see him again but not 5 minutes later i felt empty and took it back but i told him things still werent 100% with us.s the whole point is does anyone under stand where im coming from? should i forgive him ? is it possible for the love to just turn off like that?

[Merin]

While I'm not going to say you're not right in being upset that he lied to you regardless of what the lie was... I am going to say that IMO if this one lie is enough to break up the relationship then probably good to know that now and the both of you move on...

 

This isn't to minimize or say that lying is okay, it isn't... and smoking pot again while perhaps that isn't okay as far as you're concerned now I also get the idea you had smoked with him in the past and you told him what? That he wasn't allowed to do it anymore UNTIL he got a job? See IMO that doesn't even make sense... IF it isn't a matter of morality or right/wrong for you and it's more of a how can you pay for it when you're not working.. I guess I just cannot see why this became such an issue... again I'm getting that it wasn't a deal breaker before and now it is because YOU decided the BOTH of you needed to not do it anymore..

 

You also said in your thread here that he is the Guy who asked (hypothetically) how high when you said jump.. and although you've also said that you never took advantage of him like that.. I guess right now I question if you're more pissed off that this was a situation where you had said "Jump" and he didn't respond with "How High?" see where I'm going with that?

 

At any rate... it's your choice to end the relationship if you don't feel this is something you want to work out with him and find resolution.

 

Good Luck

[st8toftheheart]

Hmmm...I never knew prince chamring smoked weed.

 

Seriously though. I had a similar experience.

 

I think what you need to do is understand for yourself what the impact of the lie was. I mean that fact that he smoked weed and lied about it, is that the only impact? Or perhaps because he was on weed, he made less of an effort to find a new job, which prolonged his mooching which in turn made you feel more used. You see, I think it may be more than just the lie.

 

In my case, I was very insecure and had low self esteem. So I needed to know (or so I thought) how man previous partners my GF has had. Big mistake. I sufferred for 6 long months. Panic Attacks, nightmares. All of my own doing of course.

 

I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke up with her. She then tells me that she actually lied to me before I even had a problem with it. The reason she didn't tell me the truth was that she didn't think I would have been bothered by it and that it was a lie she already carried, and that then when I started having problems with it, she felt if she told me then, I would have thought she was just placating me.

 

Fair Enough. But the fact is there was a lie, and a lie that caused me alot of pain for a very long time. Even if it was at my own doing.

 

So now I doubt anything she tells. Had the impact of the lie been minimal, my reaction would have been different.

 

So I suggest finding out what does that lie mean to you. Is just because it was a lie, or that lie had downstream impacts? Then decide how important those impact are to you and your relationship.