Sweetgirlie Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 How long does it take for the MM to come back after a break? Do they always come back? Yes I want him back by the way, flame away.... Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 There is no calendar. It depends on so many factors: how long were you together, how often did you see each other, how often were you in touch, how close were you? How did it end? These are all factors. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 He probably will since it is difficult for married men to find a woman who are okay with being a mistress. Mine always came back but I now ignore all attempts to restart. But as Grapesofwrath said, it depends on many factors. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 If he thinks you're going to continually complain about him staying married or thinks you might tell his wife, maybe never. If he thinks he can manage you, probably sooner than later if he doesn't find another woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 If you want him back be proactive! Ask him to meet and find out what HE needs to allow you into his life. Offer to agree to whatever terms will work in his circumstance. Let him know that you are willing to do what ever he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I don't think there's a timeline, so many factors at play. More important question is how long are you willing to wait around? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 How long does it take for the MM to come back after a break? Do they always come back? Yes I want him back by the way, flame away.... From reading here, it would seem that mostly, yes, they do come back. However, it could take anywhere from a few days to several decades for that to happen. You want him to come back, you say. What conditions are you setting on that - you want him back, if it's the same as it was before the split? You want him to come back, if it ultimately leads somewhere (a FTR, for example)? You want him to come back, under any conditions at all - you're willing to put up with pretty much anything, just to have him back in your life? Without knowing more about the the conditions that led to the split, it's hard to know what would enable him to come back - from your side or his, or circumstantially - or whether / how the relationship would need to change. But those are things you need to think about, and decide whether you are willing to help that to happen or not. My own view is that life shouldn't be about waiting. If any R is not giving you right now what you want from it, you should move on from it. If he, or you, ended the R for that reason, then going back to it would require rethinking and renegotiating, to make sure it meets both of your needs. If, OTOH, it was circumstances that caused the split, then you need to see what can realistically be done about those. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 My own view is that life shouldn't be about waiting. ^^^^ This x 1000. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Depends on what he said before the break and the reason for the break. If you assure him you won't make any demands, that you'll respond when he has the spare time to squeeze you in and you'll do what he asks, he'll be right back as long as he isn't overwhelmed with guilt or his wife isn't onto him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Depends... Why do u want him back? HOW do u want him back (divorced, married?) From your post i unerstand he took a break. I assume he took the break because he wanted to and u didn t agree very much with it. And now you re wondering if he will come back... I can t say he will or he won t. I need more info Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Go out on some dates, they say. I'm trying to just keep busy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetgirlie Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Depends... Why do u want him back? HOW do u want him back (divorced, married?) From your post i unerstand he took a break. I assume he took the break because he wanted to and u didn t agree very much with it. And now you re wondering if he will come back... I can t say he will or he won t. I need more info He gave me a goodbye letter sayibg this is goodbye. He told me he thought he wanted an affair to replace his ex lover who had died, but it turns out he can't replace her, and that's the saddest part of all this. He also told me before our affair that he couldn't replace her, but he could replace the feelings and good times he had with her.Really want him back. I also had told him my husband was acting suspicious (big mistake) but I shared everything with him, and I think it scared him off. . Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 He gave me a goodbye letter sayibg this is goodbye. He told me he thought he wanted an affair to replace his ex lover who had died, but it turns out he can't replace her, and that's the saddest part of all this. He also told me before our affair that he couldn't replace her, but he could replace the feelings and good times he had with her.Really want him back. I also had told him my husband was acting suspicious (big mistake) but I shared everything with him, and I think it scared him off. . You can't be someone else though can you... It's all very sad, but you need to let this one go. I take it his lover was the OW as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetgirlie Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) You can't be someone else though can you... It's all very sad, but you need to let this one go. I take it his lover was the OW as well? Yes, she was. Unfortunately I grew to care and love him. This will be one of the toughest things for me to do. I'm hoping someday down the road we could get together again. I offered coffee to him one time a few months ago but he actually said to bring a handkerchief for the tears... He said that No would be the right thing to do here...we never got together... It doesn't make it any less hard for me. I know he cared for me. Edited July 27, 2015 by Sweetgirlie Link to post Share on other sites
Tresmilmilhas Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I'd say give it 30 days. That way you have time to sort some things out and he has time to miss you. It may be that by then you won't feel so attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Yes, she was. Unfortunately I grew to care and love him. This will be one of the toughest things for me to do. I'm hoping someday down the road we could get together again. I offered coffee to him one time a few months ago but he actually said to bring a handkerchief for the tears... He said that No would be the right thing to do here...we never got together... It doesn't make it any less hard for me. I know he cared for me. why would u want to be a replacement? clearly he s just looking to heal by having other relationships. take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetgirlie Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) why would u want to be a replacement? clearly he s just looking to heal by having other relationships. take care of yourself. I connected deeply with him, he fulfilled so many of my emotional needs. we have a lot in common. He is great in bed....better than my husband by far. I am afraid I will never find somebody like him again. that is why I want to be with him. I wanted to restart it several months back, and he wrote me besides bringing a handkerchief for the tears..that it was 'best to let sleeping dogs lie.' What do you think he really meant by that? Edited July 27, 2015 by Sweetgirlie Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I connected deeply with him, he fulfilled so many of my emotional needs. we have a lot in common. He is great in bed....better than my husband by far. I am afraid I will never find somebody like him again. that is why I want to be with him. I wanted to restart it several months back, and he wrote me..'best to let sleeping dogs lie.' So u re thinking to find somebody else? What about your husband? Why don t u just divorce? I m sorry but i don t follow... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetgirlie Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 So u re thinking to find somebody else? What about your husband? Why don t u just divorce? I m sorry but i don t follow... My MM told me to find someone else (and I half heartedly did try )or spend more time with my kids, and that he needed to grieve his loss for her. I have major issues in my marriage... I know going outside may not be the answer, but he gave me comfort. Please don't judge... Link to post Share on other sites
Whisper Quiet Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Sweet girlie, Pursuing this situation is going to bring you more heartache and pain than you have already experienced. He has tried to distance himself from you. As difficult as it will be Please take this opportunity to distance yourself from him. Counseling can help you to sort this out and gain perspective. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I connected deeply with him, he fulfilled so many of my emotional needs. we have a lot in common. He is great in bed....better than my husband by far. I am afraid I will never find somebody like him again. that is why I want to be with him. I wanted to restart it several months back, and he wrote me besides bringing a handkerchief for the tears..that it was 'best to let sleeping dogs lie.' What do you think he really meant by that? I'm sorry, but he is telling you straight up to let it go 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I connected deeply with him, he fulfilled so many of my emotional needs. we have a lot in common. He is great in bed....better than my husband by far. I am afraid I will never find somebody like him again. that is why I want to be with him. Your M is clearly not working for you if you're having to find someone else to meet your emotional needs. Rather than looking for a band aid, why not resolve the issues in your M - either through fixing our M, or leaving it, freeing you up for someone who can meet your emotional needs? This sounds like a rabbit hole you are diving into - the M isn't working for you, so you have an A. Then the A ends, so it brings a whole lot of new heartache, and you need a new band aid for that. Why not go to the source of the problem, and lose all the heartache? I wanted to restart it several months back, and he wrote me besides bringing a handkerchief for the tears..that it was 'best to let sleeping dogs lie.' So it's been several months since the end? And he's shown no inclination to restart? Then you've already waited too long. He's moved on - from you. He clearly hasn't moved on from his lover. What do you think he really meant by that? That it's over. He's no longer interested. You can't make someone love you, or want you, however much you might want them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I connected deeply with him, he fulfilled so many of my emotional needs. we have a lot in common. He is great in bed....better than my husband by far. I am afraid I will never find somebody like him again. that is why I want to be with him. He didn't connect deeply with you, he connected deeply with his ex lover and she died. YOU are the rebound and he woke up one day to find you weren't her, you couldn't be her replacement because he didn't want you, he didn't love you, he hardly knew you. "How on earth could I think this women here could take the place of my true love, I was a fool to think that she could?" It is why rebounds don't work. Rebounds are hard because the person looking for a replacement treats the replacement as if she was his one and only love, he slots her into that position, but that is just a sham and one day he suddenly realises that. YOU on the other hand are besotted, the relationship was just to easy so comfortable, he so obviously loved you. Only he didn't, he still loved his ex and you were merely being used as a substitute until the day he realised you weren't anything like his ex and that is the day he then wanted out. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 that it was 'best to let sleeping dogs lie.' What do you think he really meant by that? To let sleeping dog's lie means to leave things the way they are, here he means you are split up, he has said good bye to you, and he doesn't want to change that and he doesn't want to rake it all up again. Decision made, leave it be. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Have you ever wondered why he never left his wife for this woman he loved so deeply? Even IF he reconnected with you, is it just to be an affair forever? I can't see how that is sustainable. Why not try and spice things with your H? You said you tried to find someone else, but you can't openly find someone else while your married. That means your looking for another MM or a single guy to have an affair with. You only live once, so why not either fix or leave the marriage and be authentically happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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