My fiancée may be falling for my best friend

[TheyCallMeBruce]

My fiancee, we'll call her Kelly, started going on an annual 'ladies camping trip' last year. They'd rent a campsite, put up tents, etc., and hang out for a few days. I had the apartment to myself so it was a pretty relaxing weekend, and so, while I missed her, I didn't mind.

 

This year, she suggested that I do the same. There's an adjacent site to the one she rents, if we had both, we'd have privacy on three sides, and then four if we parked the cars properly, so that seemed pretty cool. So I invited some of my friends, Chris, Other Chris, Mike, and Dave. Mike and Dave are my two closest friends - the two contenders to be the best man at my wedding (I ended up going with Mike because he's the sensitive type, and would have been hurt otherwise - Dave is a chill bro and was cool with it).

 

So fast forward to Saturday night, we're all (all members of both parties) sitting around the campfire just talking and drinking and playing games. As it gets later, people start to head off to bed. I last until about 2 or 3, and then I go to bed at the same time as a couple of other people, meaning that Kelly and Dave are the only ones left up.

 

Quick sidenote about Dave: he's better at getting women than anyone else I know. It's uncanny. I've always done pretty well with ladies, and he makes me look like an amateur. He doesn't even have to try, and I don't think was trying, but he asks a lot of questions, and girls like to answer questions about themselves, so they tend to like him (it's more complicated than that, but whatever).

 

I'm having trouble sleeping (it's around 4-5) because I can overhear them, and I hear a couple of personal stories I've shared with her that she's now sharing with Dave, which was embarrassing and hurtful. I thought about going out there to say something, or at least make it clear I wasn't awake, but I chickened out and tried to go back to sleep.

 

So I wake up at about 7:30, and they're still up, talking. They stayed up and watched the sun rise and talked and that just feels like a very romantic, intimate experience to me. Not one you share just because you're trying to become friends with your fiancé's best friend. I talk to him about it, and he was a little taken aback, and apologized if my feelings were hurt, last thing he wants, etc. And I think he's being genuine. This is not atypical behavior for him, and he's been going through a lot of personal **** (his dad has basically been on the verge of death since like November), so it could have just been stuff like that.

 

She's acting weird, and got really mad when she thought I was insinuating that she liked him, and claimed that I was thinking that based on something completely unrelated, refusing to acknowledge that her staying up all night with another guy was, at least, unusual. She said that she just 'wasn't tired,' but she immediately went to bed when I woke up, and was too exhausted to communicate in any meaningful way (we needed to break down the campsite and leave, so this was frustrating).

 

So, what do you guys think. Am I screwed? Is she falling for him? Am I now going to be my fiancée's second choice?

Edited July 27, 2015 by TheyCallMeBruce

[smackie9]

Guess what.....through our lives, we all will have an encounter with someone that we will have affection for or a mini crush on, BUT will never act on it, because they will never replace their SO. Crushes can be co-workers, close friends, etc. What happened was perfectly normal....tho not really appropriate, there was no harm done. Your friend is like a friend of my husband's.....he is a charmer...and it's everywhere he goes, he just has that way with him....but he is a bit of an attention whore lol. It's good that you talked to your friend and shared your thoughts on it. It's funny how it's so second nature for him, that he didn't realize what he was doing. As for your fiancé, let it go. This little connection they had isn't enough to ruin your future marriage.

[lolablue17]

I think that because it's you friend that involved, and because you were there, and she is your fiance, because of all these reasons, she allowed herself to be carried away, and bond with him.

 

She may be attracted to him, so what?! You don't expect her to stop being attracted to men from now on, right?

 

I think that it's not bad that you talked with them both, to remind some boundaries, but i think you don't have anything to worry about.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Thanks, guys. I appreciate that. I was feeling a little out of control and now I'm definitely feeling better. I got burned on something like this once in my youth, so I'm probably just being hypersensitive.

[Diezel]

My spidey sense is tingling man. I'm sorry.

But it just is. Maybe it's nothing. But the fact that she stayed up all night like that to talk to someone else... I don't know.

 

Maybe for him it wasn't intentional.

 

If anything, I'd just not overreact but observe from now on.

 

Remember, you two aren't married yet.

[smackie9]

This is something you need to see from another perspective. This could be what is lacking in your relationship, which people do tend to overlook because they get comfortable....emotional connection/romance. We do get busy with our responsibilities, but you need to stop and take some time out to complement her like how sexy she is, buy her flowers, surprise her with a home cooked meal when she gets home from work, one on one quality time, foot massage, do something together that takes you out of your comfort zone, be spontaneous, etc. The romance, the making her feel appreciated cannot stop. So this little incident should open your eyes a little more.

[smackie9]

My spidey sense is tingling man. I'm sorry.

But it just is. Maybe it's nothing. But the fact that she stayed up all night like that to talk to someone else... I don't know.

 

Maybe for him it wasn't intentional.

 

If anything, I'd just not overreact but observe from now on.

 

Remember, you two aren't married yet.

And yes this^^^^ a heart to heart talk about feelings needs to be addressed.

[salparadise]

Of course we can't know what she's feeling, or him. If he is a good friend, now that you've talked to him, he should avoid private conversations with her, and not encourage her attention. And she may well have just been connecting with him as your trusted friend without any thoughts of impropriety at all. I really hope this is the case, and you have to conduct yourself as if you're confident that it is.

 

However, I'm sure you'll remain aware of what's going on and I think that's only prudent. Don't make up stories in your head and don't become hyper-vigilant–– just keep be cool and make sure all is on the up and up going forward.

[Clay]

I wouldn't be around him anymore with her. I would limit that contact to a 0. I think in my mind it is completely inappropriate for her to have sit up alone with him all night but that is just me. I would keep a eye on her and see if they are talking aside of you limiting this contact. If they are then you are probably seeing what you thought.

 

The other thing is you have got to stand up for yourself. If she is alone with a guy and your uncomfortable you need to get off your xxx and go tell her. Clearly she doesn't have good boundaries and she is not going to know how you feel about it if you wait until after the fact.

 

I would also have a talk with my friend. I would to straight any honest with him. If he values your friendship he will not talk alone to her anymore. If he does not value it then to say right now and that friendship can be over with right now.

 

C

[smackie9]

He did have a talk with him. His friend acknowledged it and apologized.

[Space Ritual]

I'm having trouble sleeping (it's around 4-5) because I can overhear them, and I hear a couple of personal stories I've shared with her that she's now sharing with Dave, which was embarrassing and hurtful. I thought about going out there to say something, or at least make it clear I wasn't awake, but I chickened out and tried to go back to sleep.

 

 

This was the part that would have me a bit concerned more than anything. You may be able to chalk that up to drinking, but what would you think if she were to do that while being sober?

 

My best advice would be to play this close to the vest right now. If you have set a date for the wedding it could be passing cold feet situation.

 

Don't bring it up to her at this point. If she says something to you out of the blue about it then you will have a better idea whether this was a one off or not. Because if she does bring it up that means she talked to your friend about it.

 

People generally end up indicting themselves because they screw up when they think they have their bases covered. Now that you have had a talk with your friend about this, if she says anything about it then you have your answer.

 

Just remember, engagements are a dress rehearsal for a lifetime together, so sit back, relax, and observe. You'll have your answer soon enough.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Don't worry about that time, unless you found out later that something happened. I'd keep one eye open at all times now. Is she an attention whore? Does she need constant validation from others?

[kendahke]

I think that what she did was extremely insensitive to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hm. May be harmless. But consider this:

 

I was once in your best friend's position. My best friend and I often hung out with her fiance (and others) and he often chatted me up. I thought nothing of it, I was happy to get to know him better as the future husband of my best friend. We had a couple long-ish chats, not as long as you described though. For me, it wasn't anything other than conversation. He later made a drunken confession that I was a "great listener" and that he liked talking to me because he didn't feel he couldn't always talk to my best friend...and he shared some personal stories about her too. Insinuated that my then-boyfriend was a lucky guy to have a girl like me. This made me horribly uncomfortable and I put serious distance there.

 

I am saying this not to scare you but to at least encourage you to keep an eye open. Do you and your fiancee still have good communication? Do you enjoy romantic evenings together? Might be a good time to examine any areas for improvement anyway.

[kendahke]

To add to my post:

 

The whole sitting up til dawn thing aside ( 0_o really?), her telling him things you've told her in confidence would really plant a humongous seed of doubt in my mind about my ability to trust her with deeply personal things. If she told him so easily, who else has she blabbed your business to? Take a note: she's not the one to confide in because she doesnt' know how to keep her mouth shut.

 

It's good that you gave the best man stuff to another friend because he should have had enough presence of mind not to sit up all night long talking to his boy's fiancee and to shut that conversation down when she began telling him your business. Also--you should have gotten up and asked her if she was coming to bed--never chicken out on things like that ever again.

 

But I completely agree with Space Ritual--the guilty do make the most noise.

[MrMeh]

Hey Brunce! Hopefully I can help, even if it's just a little. Your friend kinda reminds me of myself.

 

I grew up in a household of girls and all my life it was always easy for me to get deep with them. I noticed this was a problem in high school as even my friends would accuse me of trying to do something behind their backs even though most of our conversations would relate to relationship problems they were going through.

 

Only a few understood that I would never do anything and that I seriously just enjoyed talking to people overall. Now I do understand your problem. If I ever got the cue that a taken girl was flirting or becoming more emotional with me, I would back off. I'm sure your friend, considering he is a genuine good guy, would not make the move even if he was tempted too.

 

It's good that you approached this situation instead of just sitting around, but one thing I would refrain from doing is forcing them to stop talking around each other. If she really does feel that she is growing some affection for him, or vice versa, then she/he should be the one to stop it.

 

Hopefully everything works out.

[lolablue17]

This is something you need to see from another perspective. This could be what is lacking in your relationship, which people do tend to overlook because they get comfortable....emotional connection/romance. We do get busy with our responsibilities, but you need to stop and take some time out to complement her like how sexy she is, buy her flowers, surprise her with a home cooked meal when she gets home from work, one on one quality time, foot massage, do something together that takes you out of your comfort zone, be spontaneous, etc. The romance, the making her feel appreciated cannot stop. So this little incident should open your eyes a little more.

 

Very well said!

 

Sometimes we need an external reminder, not to take love for granted. These reminders can improve our relationship. But they also might destroy it, if the reminder is too hurtful (cheating for example).

 

So, in a way, you should be thankful to this event, which will keep you alert for some time, and in that time you will not take her love for granted.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I talked to her yesterday, and after initially being mad at me for 'accusing' her, she realized how ****ty it probably looked and she felt super-terrible. I suppose this could be a trick, but she's been extra attentive since and I think feels guilty about making me feel bad. She's usually very thoughtful and loving, and we're always very affectionate and we do a lot of things together.

 

Also, should be noted: I am definitely more worry-prone than most people. It's not uncommon for me to misread a situation and panic.

[mrs rubble]

IME people who stay up all night chatting because they're "not tired." are often on Meth. Hope this isn't the case here.

[stillafool]

I think it was disrespectful to stay up all night with your friend talking. Didn't she want to get to bed with you? She should have been looking forward to that instead of watching the sun rise with your friend.

[Space Ritual]

I talked to her yesterday, and after initially being mad at me for 'accusing' her, she realized how ****ty it probably looked and she felt super-terrible. I suppose this could be a trick, but she's been extra attentive since and I think feels guilty about making me feel bad. She's usually very thoughtful and loving, and we're always very affectionate and we do a lot of things together.

 

Also, should be noted: I am definitely more worry-prone than most people. It's not uncommon for me to misread a situation and panic.

 

 

Yeah you let the cat out of the bag. Well Played.

[h0000]

It was definitely inappropriate. and she was definitely bonding with Dave. There is no other explanation why she would stay up whole night with him. Whether or not she apologized is almost irrelevant here. Fact is she chose to stay up with your friend rather than go to bed with you.

It's up to you if you mind your fiance bonding with your friend or not. I know I do

Edited July 28, 2015 by h0000

[Clarence_Boddicker]

IME people who stay up all night chatting because they're "not tired." are often on Meth. Hope this isn't the case here.

 

Not! There are plenty of people who don't obey Mr. Sandman, if they choose to. There's plenty of times I've stayed up til dawn chatting to someone interesting or who I'm interested in. I've never used meth & never will.

 

 

I recently drove 3200 miles in 70 hours with 4 hours sleep total. I didn't use any drugs or stimulates, other than a lot of Sun Drop soda.

[italianjob]

There's plenty of times I've stayed up til dawn chatting to someone interesting or who I'm interested in.

 

^^^This is very true, and, while not really a red flag, probably at least a "yellow" one.

 

What happened showed that your GF and your friend are very interested in each other.

It happens, being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other people.

They probably have/had no intention of acting on their reciprocal attraction.

 

But if I were you, I would keep this in mind and avoid putting them into temptation too often (i.e. letting them have too much time alone with each other)

[mrs rubble]

Not! There are plenty of people who don't obey Mr. Sandman, if they choose to. There's plenty of times I've stayed up til dawn chatting to someone interesting or who I'm interested in. I've never used meth & never will.

 

 

I recently drove 3200 miles in 70 hours with 4 hours sleep total. I didn't use any drugs or stimulates, other than a lot of Sun Drop soda.

 

I'm a shift worker who has never taken meth, but I had a bf in the past who had habitual all night chats with the flatmate and when I pushed him he admitted to being a user. There were patterns in his behaviour that stood out- not coming straight home after work on payday, always running out of money, aggressive talk when he was short of money and of course the all night chats with the flatmate.... I initially thought he had a thing for her.

I know of several other people who had the same habits, just something to be wary of.