Some days are just hard....

[Josmatjes]

I am doing great and then out of the blue I get overwhelmed by memories. I am trying to redirect and control my thoughts. I just get really depressed about how things endedwith exmm,why they even started, how my husband was hurt. But sometimes I miss him. Is this normal? To go so long and then BAM memories are back! Maybe it's because my birthday is coming and my past few birthdays he gave me roses and cards and always remembered. I dont know what's wrong with me...

 

And if you are going to bash or criticize me and not give helpful advice please move on to another thread, I'm depressed enough...

[lookingforclosure]

I have those days too...I'm not married, but there are day I just want to see xMM. Something will come on the radio or i'll pass a place we have went together and BAMMM. Like hitting a Mack truck.

 

I think it is normal..out psyche trying to sort everything out

[GoldenAxe]

I get it. Was doing ok past couple days but then here I am at work on a Monday and my minds running crazy.

[Ifalltopieces]

I'm not in NC yet but the times I tried to initiate it, I was miserable and wanted to die.

 

I know when it finally happens I'm going to be a disaster.

 

I think it's normal. This person was a part of your every day life. It was somebody that you connected with and somebody that you cared for. It would be completely unreasonable to expect that you could just flip a switch and forget about him and the times you shared all together.

 

At the same time, whenever you start to feel nostalgic and you start thinking about the times he sent you roses or gave you cards; think about all the times it hurt. Think about the times when you wondered what the heck you were doing and rekind yourself that you did the right thing. Sometimes it takes more strength to let go then it does to hold on.

 

Hugs..

[solostand]

I just try to put it in perspective.

 

In the Affair Bubble, nothing is real. It's all a fantasy. Love and roses. I have bad days, when I feel I wasted 2.5 years on nothing. But when I was IN IT OMG the man hung the moon.

 

I keep thinking how 2.5 years of a fantasy does not compete with 37 years of an actual marriage, which is what my x-mm has with his wife.

 

I try to look at it realistically now. I was with the most passive aggressive mm in the world! He acted like he hated his wife, yet he couldn't divorce her. He even imagined KILLING her! And I allowed him to have this fantasy in front of me. How I lost myself.

[Ifalltopieces]

I just try to put it in perspective.

 

In the Affair Bubble, nothing is real. It's all a fantasy. Love and roses. I have bad days, when I feel I wasted 2.5 years on nothing. But when I was IN IT OMG the man hung the moon.

 

I keep thinking how 2.5 years of a fantasy does not compete with 37 years of an actual marriage, which is what my x-mm has with his wife.

 

I try to look at it realistically now. I was with the most passive aggressive mm in the world! He acted like he hated his wife, yet he couldn't divorce her. He even imagined KILLING her! And I allowed him to have this fantasy in front of me. How I lost myself.

 

Your XMM and my MM should get together and go bowling. Do they know each other? It sounds SO familiar. How scary

[solostand]

I think most mm who engage in affairs are passive aggressive. Those who aren't - leave!!!!

My ex-MM was all about leaving at the beginning. Oh yes! As soon as he got his financial affairs in order it was a done deal! As long as he wasn't going to lose any money of course, lol.

My ex-MM was terrified to be alone. He told me he wanted to leave many times, but he was afraid to be alone. Once, when he had surgery, he told me he actually thought of hiring me as his nurse - to look after him. What a baby!

 

Women are so much stronger than men.

[DKT3]

I think most mm who engage in affairs are passive aggressive. Those who aren't - leave!!!!

My ex-MM was all about leaving at the beginning. Oh yes! As soon as he got his financial affairs in order it was a done deal! As long as he wasn't going to lose any money of course, lol.

My ex-MM was terrified to be alone. He told me he wanted to leave many times, but he was afraid to be alone. Once, when he had surgery, he told me he actually thought of hiring me as his nurse - to look after him. What a baby!

 

Women are so much stronger than men.

 

Maybe, but I see it more about women will more likely act on emotions of here and now. While men tend to use more logic then emotions.

[DKT3]

Jos, how are things going with your husband? I ask because there seems to be a direct link between how you feel about your husband and how you then feel about exMM. Like a scale.

 

I think its because in some odd way you've connected the two. The more I've followed your story the more I'm convinced that you truly are a woman that cheated because you were unhappy in your marriage and your affair was an exist. Then you got caught, confessed (I don't. Remember) and exMM pulled the rug out and you lost your soft landing got scared then returned to your marriage. I think the two of us are alike in that sense, unwilling to commit. Me to opening myself up and her doing it again, you to opening yourself up and it being the same old crap with your husband.

 

I believe this is keeping you stuck with what could have been with exMM, and me with what could I have with anyone else.

 

You can't control what you think or how you feel. Just keep making positive step, your doing great

[solostand]

Maybe. I know my ex-MM wanted to be with me, he even told me he fantasized about how he would integrate me with his children, and what his grandchild should call me. Oh yes, lovely fantasies of a lovely future life.

 

But when the rubber hits the road - well, in my mind, they are cowards. They are either lying or cowards.

 

If I was in love with someone, I would leave. My ex-MM told me he loved me constantly but it meant nothing in the long run. Now I'm glad since I have come to my senses and realize that I just got sucked in to an addiction of falsehoods. The man is 15 years older than me!!!

 

I have an ex-husband, proving that I can leave, because I left him (not for ex-MM, but for other reasons). Now my ex-husband knows all about my affair, and he wants to reconcile, saying he still loves me and has absolutely forgiven me. He has not forgiven ex-MM, but that's a guy thing.

 

But HE has often told me he is afraid to die alone. And he has made me promise that even if we are not together when he dies, that I will come to be by his bedside, to rub his head.

 

I have often believed that men are little boys. They never grow up.

[DKT3]

Maybe. I know my ex-MM wanted to be with me, he even told me he fantasized about how he would integrate me with his children, and what his grandchild should call me. Oh yes, lovely fantasies of a lovely future life.

 

But when the rubber hits the road - well, in my mind, they are cowards. They are either lying or cowards.

 

If I was in love with someone, I would leave. My ex-MM told me he loved me constantly but it meant nothing in the long run. Now I'm glad since I have come to my senses and realize that I just got sucked in to an addiction of falsehoods. The man is 15 years older than me!!!

 

I have an ex-husband, proving that I can leave, because I left him (not for ex-MM, but for other reasons). Now my ex-husband knows all about my affair, and he wants to reconcile, saying he still loves me and has absolutely forgiven me. He has not forgiven ex-MM, but that's a guy thing.

 

But HE has often told me he is afraid to die alone. And he has made me promise that even if we are not together when he dies, that I will come to be by his bedside, to rub his head.

 

I have often believed that men are little boys. They never grow up.

 

Your post here kinda proves my point, your actions and reactions are based soley on emotions while exMM is more logical in his movements.

 

This is a conversation for a different topic, let's get back to Jos.

[gettingstronger]

Wondering if not the exMM you miss but the feeling of "special" and "free"- our situation is a bit different because our OW has gone totally nuts-but I do ask my husband if he misses the anticipation, the being with someone with no strings to our family and all the responsibilities that go with it- he says no but I think its more because she got so freaky-

 

You and I have kids around the same age so I am assuming we have been married about the same amount of time and are at a similar place in life- could it be you just crave romance and excitement- now that my kids don't need me as much, I find I crave that- you know that empty nester thing-

 

My husband and I have done a lot to re-capture that pre-kids kind of feeling- we cook/grill unusual stuff together, we stay up way too late, sleep in a little too long, sometimes we go on a huge hike or spend hours laying by the pool, we might have mimosas with breakfast and take a monster nap after- things we have not done in forever- we call it "the mini-vacation"- he might come home from work and I will have a new kind of martini fixings and a bunch of raw seafood to make sushi and martinis- and sorry if this is TMI- we will walk around the house not fully dressed, have sex on the stairway, sleep naked (I never did that before because I was afraid the kids would need me in a heartbeat)- of course, this assumes your kids are like mine and not home very often since its summer- (actually one has moved his college apt so its just one at home)

 

Any of that sound good or doable to you?

[Josmatjes]

Wondering if not the exMM you miss but the feeling of "special" and "free"- our situation is a bit different because our OW has gone totally nuts-but I do ask my husband if he misses the anticipation, the being with someone with no strings to our family and all the responsibilities that go with it- he says no but I think its more because she got so freaky-

 

You and I have kids around the same age so I am assuming we have been married about the same amount of time and are at a similar place in life- could it be you just crave romance and excitement- now that my kids don't need me as much, I find I crave that- you know that empty nester thing-

 

My husband and I have done a lot to re-capture that pre-kids kind of feeling- we cook/grill unusual stuff together, we stay up way too late, sleep in a little too long, sometimes we go on a huge hike or spend hours laying by the pool, we might have mimosas with breakfast and take a monster nap after- things we have not done in forever- we call it "the mini-vacation"- he might come home from work and I will have a new kind of martini fixings and a bunch of raw seafood to make sushi and martinis- and sorry if this is TMI- we will walk around the house not fully dressed, have sex on the stairway, sleep naked (I never did that before because I was afraid the kids would need me in a heartbeat)- of course, this assumes your kids are like mine and not home very often since its summer- (actually one has moved his college apt so its just one at home)

 

Any of that sound good or doable to

 

 

It's definitely an empty nest thing. Like right now, all of my kids are out at various things. My husband is working and I'm sitting here alone. It sucks! We have been doing a lot of things together and we are good friends but the problem is that physically I'm not attracted to him anymore. But then I think that maybe its because I really am not over the OM. Believe me I'm trying but it's so damn hard. One day I hate him the next I miss him but I know it can never be the same again because our families are not friends anymore. That hurts also. I feel I've lost so much the past year and I'm still always looking over my shoulder for the BW. I think I'm just having a bad day today!

[Josmatjes]

Jos, how are things going with your husband? I ask because there seems to be a direct link between how you feel about your husband and how you then feel about exMM. Like a scale.

 

I think its because in some odd way you've connected the two. The more I've followed your story the more I'm convinced that you truly are a woman that cheated because you were unhappy in your marriage and your affair was an exist. Then you got caught, confessed (I don't. Remember) and exMM pulled the rug out and you lost your soft landing got scared then returned to your marriage. I think the two of us are alike in that sense, unwilling to commit. Me to opening myself up and her doing it again, you to opening yourself up and it being the same old crap with your husband.

 

I believe this is keeping you stuck with what could have been with exMM, and me with what could I have with anyone else.

 

You can't control what you think or how you feel. Just keep making positive step, your doing great

 

Things are ok,I mean we don't really fight or anything. He wants us to be closer and I'm just terrified. I don't know what to do anymore. I know everything with xmm wasn't real but it still made me feel like my marrage is lacking something. I just don't know, and my husband is a good man who deserves better that what I am giving him now. I've told him this but he won't budge, he is waiting this out. He has faith in me, in us.

If I had one wish it would be that I'd never had an affair, it ruined my life....

[gettingstronger]

Have you been to the doctor about your sex drive? Just because you wanted to have sex with mm doesn't mean it's not your sex drive. Pre menopause and menopause do funky things. Have you guys tried erotica or even a strip club. I know it sounds odd, but I'm the school teacher with the kinky side.

[DKT3]

Things are ok,I mean we don't really fight or anything. He wants us to be closer and I'm just terrified. I don't know what to do anymore. I know everything with xmm wasn't real but it still made me feel like my marrage is lacking something. I just don't know, and my husband is a good man who deserves better that what I am giving him now. I've told him this but he won't budge, he is waiting this out. He has faith in me, in us.

If I had one wish it would be that I'd never had an affair, it ruined my life....

 

No it hasn't ruined your life, allowing yourself to stay stuck (emotionally) in the middle is what's ruining your life. Do you fear reconnecting with your husband then having him pull back? Clearly your husband sees more in you then this affair, why can't you see that in yourself?

 

Funny thing, had things went differently and you ended up with exMM do you think you would be fulfilled? I don't, you know why? I remember you saying "I can't see no having my husband the rest of my life" that is real.

 

You are comparing that life long grind it out commitment for life with the fun exciting part of discovering something new, having someone discover something new about you. I now understand that better then ever before. That pull of it and desire for it is strong. The thing is that doesn't make a relationship it makes for fun and excitement.

 

Last thing because this is getting long, your husband isn't going to leave. You've tried for a year to push him away and he still says your what he wants, believe him and accept it. Your worth it to him.

[Josmatjes]

Have you been to the doctor about your sex drive? Just because you wanted to have sex with mm doesn't mean it's not your sex drive. Pre menopause and menopause do funky things. Have you guys tried erotica or even a strip club. I know it sounds odd, but I'm the school teacher with the kinky side.

 

Lol....your so funny! Ok well I guess I could give it a try.

[Josmatjes]

No it hasn't ruined your life, allowing yourself to stay stuck (emotionally) in the middle is what's ruining your life. Do you fear reconnecting with your husband then having him pull back? Clearly your husband sees more in you then this affair, why can't you see that in yourself?

 

Funny thing, had things went differently and you ended up with exMM do you think you would be fulfilled? I don't, you know why? I remember you saying "I can't see no having my husband the rest of my life" that is real.

 

You are comparing that life long grind it out commitment for life with the fun exciting part of discovering something new, having someone discover something new about you. I now understand that better then ever before. That pull of it and desire for it is strong. The thing is that doesn't make a relationship it makes for fun and excitement.

 

Last thing because this is getting long, your husband isn't going to leave. You've tried for a year to push him away and he still says your what he wants, believe him and accept it. Your worth it to him.

 

 

 

Thank you:)

[Artie Lang]

you say that you're not attracted to your husband anymore... do you feel that you're more, or was, more attracted to the OM? do you think you can find that attraction to your husband again?

[Hope Shimmers]

Jos, it's tough when your head and your emotions are in conflict.

 

The newness and high that you get from a new/different relationship versus the marriage of many years with the daily mundane things. A tough comparison. You say you can't imagine your life without your husband, and clearly he can't imagine his without you.

 

Sometimes it is a case where the marriage really is over or on life support, and you find someone else that you really could build something with. In your case, your marriage isn't over and you don't want it to be. But, it's sooooo hard to avoid those desirable feelings of being with someone who puts you on a high.

 

In many ways it's so much harder for you because you are married than someone like me, because I am single and can go find that newness and high with someone I can also have as number one in my life - even though that doesn't seem easy sometimes either. So I feel for you, and your conflict. And I admire your courage in doing what your head knows is what you really want long-term and dealing with the emotions that the ex-MM brought. You are doing the right thing for you. And you are strong.

[starglider]

Jos,

 

Do you do IC?

 

There are good passages from Henri Nouwen about love and the journey from anguish to freedom in "The Inner Voice of Love."

 

"The love that came to you ... and awakened your dormant desire to completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic." But he goes on to say it tapped into something far beyond the relationship with the OM - it is a core deficit in you.

 

If you do IC, your therapist may suggest that the longing for the exMM is the longing for that complete, unconditional, (ideal fantasy) love that was stirred up in your A. And this is actually the core love that you should have felt inside and should be feeling about yourself, but you don't thus the emptiness and dissociation from your life and H.

 

It goes beyond intellectual, therapy insights, though. I am a big fan of "somatic therapy" where the work is done to release the pain through the body and through core emotions. It can work. And it can reset your autonomic nervous system (ANS) so that you don't long for your OM or that anxious/unhealthy feeling of needing to be recognized, accepted, loved-in-order-to-fill-the-hole, anymore.

 

I think what you are experiencing in the pining is normal for people who have this under-developed sense of wholeness. You can heal yourself though. If not through somatic therapy, even hypnosis (!) apparently can help reset the ANS and free you of the painful longings.

 

(I know this sounds pretty out there and wu wu).

[Dela]

Jos,

 

Do you do IC?

 

There are good passages from Henri Nouwen about love and the journey from anguish to freedom in "The Inner Voice of Love."

 

"The love that came to you ... and awakened your dormant desire to completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic." But he goes on to say it tapped into something far beyond the relationship with the OM - it is a core deficit in you.

 

If you do IC, your therapist may suggest that the longing for the exMM is the longing for that complete, unconditional, (ideal fantasy) love that was stirred up in your A. And this is actually the core love that you should have felt inside and should be feeling about yourself, but you don't thus the emptiness and dissociation from your life and H.

 

It goes beyond intellectual, therapy insights, though. I am a big fan of "somatic therapy" where the work is done to release the pain through the body and through core emotions. It can work. And it can reset your autonomic nervous system (ANS) so that you don't long for your OM or that anxious/unhealthy feeling of needing to be recognized, accepted, loved-in-order-to-fill-the-hole, anymore.

 

I think what you are experiencing in the pining is normal for people who have this under-developed sense of wholeness. You can heal yourself though. If not through somatic therapy, even hypnosis (!) apparently can help reset the ANS and free you of the painful longings.

 

(I know this sounds pretty out there and wu wu).

 

 

hello. what is somatic therapy actually? didn t hear abt it where i am, lol.

i know hypnosis, mindfulness, meditation but not ths therapy. if you could post a little about it and how it s done and the process i would appreciate it.

thanks so much

[starglider]

There are two types of somatic therapists - first are the people who come to it from a "body work" type of background, and the type I know of are psychotherapists first (through training) who then added the somatic (body + emotion) work to their practice. So it does involve a lot of mindfullness and when you talk about things, like longing for the OM, the therapist has you pause from the talk therapy to pay attention to your body and where things travel, get blocked, feel heavy, feel free, feel hot, can drain etc. It may move from your chest to your sinuses to the top of your head and the only unlocked area may be your feet. You then find equivalent core emotions from early memories and are guided on ways to physically self-soothe and ultimately release the emotions through your body.

 

It is remarkable! As someone who had done a lot of psychotherapy in my thirties, it was recommended to me now at age 45 as a therapy because I'm already "in my head" too much. I felt that one session of somatic therapy was an equivalent of 6 months of traditional talk therapy. I feel like I'm progressing at lightening speed!

 

Google somatic therapy and your town for practitioners.

 

(Sorry if this is a thread hijack).

[Dela]

There are two types of somatic therapists - first are the people who come to it from a "body work" type of background, and the type I know of are psychotherapists first (through training) who then added the somatic (body + emotion) work to their practice. So it does involve a lot of mindfullness and when you talk about things, like longing for the OM, the therapist has you pause from the talk therapy to pay attention to your body and where things travel, get blocked, feel heavy, feel free, feel hot, can drain etc. It may move from your chest to your sinuses to the top of your head and the only unlocked area may be your feet. You then find equivalent core emotions from early memories and are guided on ways to physically self-soothe and ultimately release the emotions through your body.

 

It is remarkable! As someone who had done a lot of psychotherapy in my thirties, it was recommended to me now at age 45 as a therapy because I'm already "in my head" too much. I felt that one session of somatic therapy was an equivalent of 6 months of traditional talk therapy. I feel like I'm progressing at lightening speed!

 

Google somatic therapy and your town for practitioners.

 

(Sorry if this is a thread hijack).

 

 

Thanks. I m a psychotherapist (almost, just graduated ). i find this very interesting, looks so much like mindfulness. Will check to see if it s available here. thanks thanks thanks

[Josmatjes]

There are two types of somatic therapists - first are the people who come to it from a "body work" type of background, and the type I know of are psychotherapists first (through training) who then added the somatic (body + emotion) work to their practice. So it does involve a lot of mindfullness and when you talk about things, like longing for the OM, the therapist has you pause from the talk therapy to pay attention to your body and where things travel, get blocked, feel heavy, feel free, feel hot, can drain etc. It may move from your chest to your sinuses to the top of your head and the only unlocked area may be your feet. You then find equivalent core emotions from early memories and are guided on ways to physically self-soothe and ultimately release the emotions through your body.

 

It is remarkable! As someone who had done a lot of psychotherapy in my thirties, it was recommended to me now at age 45 as a therapy because I'm already "in my head" too much. I felt that one session of somatic therapy was an equivalent of 6 months of traditional talk therapy. I feel like I'm progressing at lightening speed!

 

Google somatic therapy and your town for practitioners.

 

(Sorry if this is a thread hijack).

 

This is very interesting. I'm going to look into it. I'm also 45. I'll try anything at this point.