Some days are just hard....

[Josmatjes]

Jos, it's tough when your head and your emotions are in conflict.

 

The newness and high that you get from a new/different relationship versus the marriage of many years with the daily mundane things. A tough comparison. You say you can't imagine your life without your husband, and clearly he can't imagine his without you.

 

Sometimes it is a case where the marriage really is over or on life support, and you find someone else that you really could build something with. In your case, your marriage isn't over and you don't want it to be. But, it's sooooo hard to avoid those desirable feelings of being with someone who puts you on a high.

 

In many ways it's so much harder for you because you are married than someone like me, because I am single and can go find that newness and high with someone I can also have as number one in my life - even though that doesn't seem easy sometimes either. So I feel for you, and your conflict. And I admire your courage in doing what your head knows is what you really want long-term and dealing with the emotions that the ex-MM brought. You are doing the right thing for you. And you are strong.

 

The problemis that my husband wants us to be together forever but all the crap that bothers me is still there. Anytime Italy of separation that's when he gets deep, it almost like he is guilting me into staying. I'm so afraid of never having the nerve to just take that chance and leave. I have three kids so it's terrifying.

[MuddyFootprints]

It sounds as though you are on the right track. I've been there and know that it is possible to come out of that 'staying out of guilt' mindset. It is possible to re-introduce the connection you feel you are lacking. It takes time and a lot of conversation and commitment. But, it is possible, if that is what you both want.

 

Sure, there is always crap that bothers us...both of us. We are learning to focus on the positive aspects of our lives, while addressing the negative crap together, as a team. (even politically, almost! )

 

There will always be scars, his scars and my scars.

 

I don't know who to attribute the quote to, but I came across this today...

 

"Healing doesn't mean the damage didn't exist, it means the damage no longer controls our lives."

 

My husband and I had a discussion recently about healing vs picking scabs, so this quote resonated with me.

 

I was incredibly fortunate to recognize that my marriage is something worth saving. And even more fortunate to have a husband who wanted to work with me to save it.

[Friskyone4u]

Josmartes,

 

Your husband or any husband does not have a chance in tghe contest. Affiar sex is not the same, it is new, exciting, and illicit. Your husband is "smae old thing"

The loss of "attraction" is common in women who are NOT able to compartmentalize the affair. They feel like you do. Those that can continue to function sexually with husband like nothing ever happened and sometimes even more enthusiastically.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you will cheat again at some point. There is a book by a Dr. Barry McCarthy, pretty well known PHD who writes on relationships and infidelity, that you might want to read. He states that the type affair that true R is most difficult to recover from is what he calls a long term "comparison" affair where the WW pits in her mind husband versus AP. Seems like that may be what you are doing and why you cannot get rid of these feelings. You seem to want to do the right thing but can't stop comparing your relationship with your husband to that with AP. And when you do that AP still wins.

 

Hope I am totally wrong but good luck to you

[Josmatjes]

Josmartes,

 

Your husband or any husband does not have a chance in tghe contest. Affiar sex is not the same, it is new, exciting, and illicit. Your husband is "smae old thing"

The loss of "attraction" is common in women who are NOT able to compartmentalize the affair. They feel like you do. Those that can continue to function sexually with husband like nothing ever happened and sometimes even more enthusiastically.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you will cheat again at some point. There is a book by a Dr. Barry McCarthy, pretty well known PHD who writes on relationships and infidelity, that you might want to read. He states that the type affair that true R is most difficult to recover from is what he calls a long term "comparison" affair where the WW pits in her mind husband versus AP. Seems like that may be what you are doing and why you cannot get rid of these feelings. You seem to want to do the right thing but can't stop comparing your relationship with your husband to that with AP. And when you do that AP still wins.

 

Hope I am totally wrong but good luck to you

 

I definitely think you make good points. I think the problem is that I'm still lonely and my husband only changed for a few months after dday. His changes made me change and become a better wife. But then he slid right back into who he was before. Since dday we have had sex three times! My dday was last may of 2014 !!! It's not all his fault of course. But I can't forgive him for his lack of attentiveness way before the affair. I feel totally guilty for wanting a different life and I'm sick of trying to fit into a mold that I don't belong in. Yes I miss xmm but I'm fine and this is about me not him.

I'm not quite sure what direction to go in. There is little to no affection between us. I think that another reason I fell into an affair! Human touch! Crazy, I know!

[Josmatjes]

It sounds as though you are on the right track. I've been there and know that it is possible to come out of that 'staying out of guilt' mindset. It is possible to re-introduce the connection you feel you are lacking. It takes time and a lot of conversation and commitment. But, it is possible, if that is what you both want.

 

Sure, there is always crap that bothers us...both of us. We are learning to focus on the positive aspects of our lives, while addressing the negative crap together, as a team. (even politically, almost! )

 

There will always be scars, his scars and my scars.

 

I don't know who to attribute the quote to, but I came across this today...

 

"Healing doesn't mean the damage didn't exist, it means the damage no longer controls our lives."

 

My husband and I had a discussion recently about healing vs picking scabs, so this quote resonated with me.

 

I was incredibly fortunate to recognize that my marriage is something worth saving. And even more fortunate to have a husband who wanted to work with me to save it.

 

It's very hard to try when there is no sex involved. I'm just not attracted to him anymore! I haven't been w xmm in over a year and I'm still not wanting to be with my husband. I just am at a loss right now,I don't know what to do. My affair was keeping me married and now that the affair is gone im floundering. I'm staying for my kids. That's my nip umber one reason. But is that fair, even to them, shouldn't they see a mature affectionate relationship?

[DKT3]

I definitely think you make good points. I think the problem is that I'm still lonely and my husband only changed for a few months after dday. His changes made me change and become a better wife. But then he slid right back into who he was before. Since dday we have had sex three times! My dday was last may of 2014 !!! It's not all his fault of course. But I can't forgive him for his lack of attentiveness way before the affair. I feel totally guilty for wanting a different life and I'm sick of trying to fit into a mold that I don't belong in. Yes I miss xmm but I'm fine and this is about me not him.

I'm not quite sure what direction to go in. There is little to no affection between us. I think that another reason I fell into an affair! Human touch! Crazy, I know!

 

But didn't you say you didn't want sex with your husband?

 

I starting to get a clearer picture here, your making it impossible for your marriage to get better. Maybe its simply time to pull the plug.

[Josmatjes]

But didn't you say you didn't want sex with your husband?

 

I starting to get a clearer picture here, your making it impossible for your marriage to get better. Maybe its simply time to pull the plug.

 

I don't really know how it is for other people. I think men can have sex with whomever and compartmentalize it. I'm sure some women can also. Unfortunately I'm not one of those woman. Maybe I'm having problems because I gave myself to another man, who knows. All I know is that before the affair I felt like I practically had to beg for it and then after he'd be like, are you happy now? It just felt wrong and humiliating. My xmm never made me feel that way. I felt comfortable for the first time in my life. I don't know where to turn.

 

It's funny because my husband will text me during the day and be sweet and tell me he wants to work things out, and then he comes home and gets on his laptop or watches tv for hours. It's like a different guy was texting me. My therapist thinks he knows what buttons to push to make me doubt myself.what do you think?

[gettingstronger]

I don't really know how it is for other people. I think men can have sex with whomever and compartmentalize it. I'm sure some women can also. Unfortunately I'm not one of those woman. Maybe I'm having problems because I gave myself to another man, who knows. All I know is that before the affair I felt like I practically had to beg for it and then after he'd be like, are you happy now? It just felt wrong and humiliating. My xmm never made me feel that way. I felt comfortable for the first time in my life. I don't know where to turn.

 

It's funny because my husband will text me during the day and be sweet and tell me he wants to work things out, and then he comes home and gets on his laptop or watches tv for hours. It's like a different guy was texting me. My therapist thinks he knows what buttons to push to make me doubt myself.what do you think?

 

 

 

I think you two are both to scared to leave each other- he likes the idea of being with you, but not the actual being with you- it sounds like just like you- the thought of you with another man just gets in the way-

Not trying to sound harsh because I know you are hurting- ever considered a trial separation?

[starglider]

My therapist thinks he knows what buttons to push to make me doubt myself.what do you think?

Yes, you should fill in some more details about your H. In what ways does he step up, act heroic, how is he there for you? In what ways is he passive aggressive or how does he fall short? What are his complaints about you? What is unequal in your relationship?

 

I have a similar situation as you, but mine was an EA and now I'm in a trial separation. We were both a low-conflict couple as it sounds like you are until our separation.

 

When I first wrote about my H, I saw his positive traits (friendly, likable, kind, supportive, loved me) and glossed over the negatives (his pot addiction, laziness, passive aggressiveness, irritability, chronic unemployment, checking out from family life, jealous of my professional success etc).

 

Then when conflict started between us I saw a totally different side of him (and I'm sure he did of me too). I sometimes think he has a personality disorder, but I try not to go down that rabbit hole ... too painful to face that possibility.

 

So do fill in more details about him and your relationship. I think two chronic conflict-avoiders can create a stable yet dead-zone environment in their relationship. This is what I imagine in your household at times.

 

Ultimately, I don't want to model such a detached, loveless marriage for my daughter. I want to get healthier so I can have an alive and present quality in my love life - no numbing out with my H and no addictive attachments with exEAPs, just stable and present - even with myself.

Edited July 29, 2015 by starglider

[Horton]

My therapist thinks he knows what buttons to push to make me doubt myself.what do you think?

 

I think your therapist/mind reader doesn't have your marriage in their best interest if they're trying to convince you that your husband has secret nefarious intentions that only he/she can discern.

[Josmatjes]

Yes, you should fill in some more details about your H. In what ways does he step up, act heroic, how is he there for you? In what ways is he passive aggressive or how does he fall short? What are his complaints about you? What is unequal in your relationship?

 

I have a similar situation as you, but mine was an EA and now I'm in a trial separation. We were both a low-conflict couple as it sounds like you are until our separation.

 

When I first wrote about my H, I saw his positive traits (friendly, likable, kind, supportive, loved me) and glossed over the negatives (his pot addiction, laziness, passive aggressiveness, irritability, chronic unemployment, checking out from family life, jealous of my professional success etc).

 

Then when conflict started between us I saw a totally different side of him (and I'm sure he did of me too). I sometimes think he has a personality disorder, but I try not to go down that rabbit hole ... too painful to face that possibility.

 

So do fill in more details about him and your relationship. I think two chronic conflict-avoiders can create a stable yet dead-zone environment in their relationship. This is what I imagine in your household at times.

 

Ultimately, I don't want to model such a detached, loveless marriage for my daughter. I want to get healthier so I can have an alive and present quality in my love life - no numbing out with my H and no addictive attachments with exEAPs, just stable and present - even with myself.

 

Well let's see. He is a good guy. He was raised old fashioned as his mother waits on his father. He thinks he works and makes the money and that's all he has to do. He is a good dad and is attentive to our kids and loves doing family stuff together. He is also extremely lazy. I handle pretty much everything around the house, even cleaning out the garage. He plays golf every weekend till it gets cold than he is miserable all winter. He even brought golf clubs on our honeymoon and went golfing and has left me alone on many vacations. His mother is an enabler who sees nothing wrong with making her son happy, even if it means showing up with a bottle of vodka when she knows drinking causes problems in our marrage. He kind of checks out when my family stops over and when we are around other couples he needs alchohol to be social. I think he is staying married to me because it is what everyone of his family has always done and he fits into that mold.

 

I'm not perfect. My dad was verbally abusive to me growing up. I've forgiven him and we are good, but the damage is still there. My mom is really active and I take after her. I'm really involved with my kids schools, I take classes myself, plus I work and I meet my friends a lot. Where his mom is happy to stay home and serve! That is not me, I will never serve a man! Ok so there you have it.

 

On a good note though, my husband is really supportive of whatever I want to do. Never gives me any problems. He isn't a bad person, sometimes people just drift.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well let's see. He is a good guy. He was raised old fashioned as his mother waits on his father. He thinks he works and makes the money and that's all he has to do. He is a good dad and is attentive to our kids and loves doing family stuff together. He is also extremely lazy. I handle pretty much everything around the house, even cleaning out the garage. He plays golf every weekend till it gets cold than he is miserable all winter. He even brought golf clubs on our honeymoon and went golfing and has left me alone on many vacations. His mother is an enabler who sees nothing wrong with making her son happy, even if it means showing up with a bottle of vodka when she knows drinking causes problems in our marrage. He kind of checks out when my family stops over and when we are around other couples he needs alchohol to be social. I think he is staying married to me because it is what everyone of his family has always done and he fits into that mold.

 

I'm not perfect. My dad was verbally abusive to me growing up. I've forgiven him and we are good, but the damage is still there. My mom is really active and I take after her. I'm really involved with my kids schools, I take classes myself, plus I work and I meet my friends a lot. Where his mom is happy to stay home and serve! That is not me, I will never serve a man! Ok so there you have it.

 

On a good note though, my husband is really supportive of whatever I want to do. Never gives me any problems. He isn't a bad person, sometimes people just drift.

 

I'm really getting the feeling that maybe you two need to separate (trial separation?) at least for awhile.

 

You can live your alibi, but you can't force yourself to feel something if it isn't there.

 

I think you need to be very aware, though (and I know you are), that most relationships fall into some form or another of "mundane" after time, so you could just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire and maybe end up with something worse. It depends on how committed the people in the relationship are to make it work and keep it good in terms of interactions, communications, intimacy, etc.

 

I fear that you are just stuck right now though, and you might need a different perspective to help you decide what you need for the future (and no, I'm not talking about an affair band-aid). And maybe a trial separation would change his focus too.

 

Hang in there Jos. None of this is easy.

[Josmatjes]

I'm really getting the feeling that maybe you two need to separate (trial separation?) at least for awhile.

 

You can live your alibi, but you can't force yourself to feel something if it isn't there.

 

I think you need to be very aware, though (and I know you are), that most relationships fall into some form or another of "mundane" after time, so you could just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire and maybe end up with something worse. It depends on how committed the people in the relationship are to make it work and keep it good in terms of interactions, communications, intimacy, etc.

 

I fear that you are just stuck right now though, and you might need a different perspective to help you decide what you need for the future (and no, I'm not talking about an affair band-aid). And maybe a trial separation would change his focus too.

 

Hang in there Jos. None of this is easy.

 

Problem is also that I guess in this respect I'm like a mm..... I have a good life at home, kids, job, freedom, support... The only thing that's missing is intimacy! Is that something I can live with? I'm sure a lot of people do! I'm also positive that thesis why many people have affairs....we want intimacy but are not willing to leave our comfort zone.

I miss my mm, but I would not leave for him. I just wouldn't!

[Hope Shimmers]

Problem is also that I guess in this respect I'm like a mm..... I have a good life at home, kids, job, freedom, support... The only thing that's missing is intimacy! Is that something I can live with? I'm sure a lot of people do! I'm also positive that thesis why many people have affairs....we want intimacy but are not willing to leave our comfort zone.

I miss my mm, but I would not leave for him. I just wouldn't!

 

You have a much better marriage than I had.

 

Work on your marriage Jos. I've always hated this phrase, but in this case.... fake it 'til you make it. It will take some (probably painful and hard) effort on your part, but your husband loves you so he should be willing to work with you to improve the intimacy part of the marriage.

 

Tell yourself this (because I believe it's true) - if you had married ex-MM instead of your husband, and your husband was your ex-MM, you would likely be feeling the same way about your marriage right now. It's just a fact - after years, you really have to work to keep the intimacy and sex good. It just can't compare to that illicit newness and "high" that you got from ex-MM. Believe me, I get it because I've been there. But it just. Isn't. Sustainable.

 

You really have 3 choices, since ex-MM is out of the picture and you just said you wouldn't want to be with him permanently even if he was: 1) live the rest of your life exactly as you are now; 2) separate/divorce; and 3) try to improve things with your husband in that one area (intimacy). Which will it be?

Edited July 30, 2015 by Hope Shimmers
clearly I can't count

[Josmatjes]

You have a much better marriage than I had.

 

Work on your marriage Jos. I've always hated this phrase, but in this case.... fake it 'til you make it. It will take some (probably painful and hard) effort on your part, but your husband loves you so he should be willing to work with you to improve the intimacy part of the marriage.

 

Tell yourself this (because I believe it's true) - if you had married ex-MM instead of your husband, and your husband was your ex-MM, you would likely be feeling the same way about your marriage right now. It's just a fact - after years, you really have to work to keep the intimacy and sex good. It just can't compare to that illicit newness and "high" that you got from ex-MM. Believe me, I get it because I've been there. But it just. Isn't. Sustainable.

 

You really have 3 choices, since ex-MM is out of the picture and you just said you wouldn't want to be with him permanently even if he was: 1) live the rest of your life exactly as you are now; 2) separate/divorce; and 3) try to improve things with your husband in that one area (intimacy). Which will it be?

 

I just don't know. I think divorce is imminent eventually.