Back to Square but I want to ask him for more

[GoldenAxe]

Time away from both men

[elaine567]

I'm married yes. Marriage is ok at best, we stay for the kids, and because divorce is expensive. There's more to just getting a divorce.

 

OK, would you be taking the kids with you? Are they part of the plan, or are they the dealbreaker for the OM maybe?

[Popsicle]

I'm married yes. Marriage is ok at best, we stay for the kids, and because divorce is expensive. There's more to just getting a divorce.

 

You can't stay in this place that you are at. It's not sustainable.

[LovelyBrown]

OK, would you be taking the kids with you? Are they part of the plan, or are they the dealbreaker for the OM maybe?

 

I'd take my kids, yes. He doesn't want to leave, he's okay with his crappy marriage because she is willing to put up with his deal. Basically she's his babysitter because he'd rather be at work then home but it's cheaper to stay married?

[Ifalltopieces]

Please listen to what everyone else is telling you. You have NO idea how much agony and hurt you are about to invite into your life. You can love him all you want but loving him and trying to have a relationship with him is NOT worth your self esteem, quality of life, emotional health and your peace of mind.

 

You say he is staying for the kids...did he TELL you this? My MM has told me LOTS of things. I bought every single one of his explanations as the truth. Guess what? Majority of them were all lies. These men LIE! They lie to themselves and they lie to us. What other way could they justify having an A or thinking about having one? Another thing, you mention that he already feels guilty. Imagine how guilty he is going to feel after you guys are physical? You think your in agony now...after your physical and he ditches you because he can't take it, you will feel used and cheap.

 

He has said he doesn't want this and yet you keep chasing him. He loves the attention he gets from you. Your making yourself look desperate. Your better than this. Please save yourself the agony and walk away. I promise you, it's easier to walk away and hurt than it will be to go forward with the A and hurt. The kind of hurt I have experienced during my A, I would NEVER wish on anyone. You have a chance to spare yourself the pain. Take it. Please take it.

[DKT3]

I'm married yes. Marriage is ok at best, we stay for the kids, and because divorce is expensive. There's more to just getting a divorce.

 

This is rewriting the history of your marriage, the way you describe it now isn't how you describe it when you first started posting here. Don't believe me go back and read your post. You are sabotaging your marriage and creating distance from your husband because your attracted to this guy. In your mind NOW your marriage was horrible so what your doing is ok because your staying for the kids...Nah your foggy.

[LovelyBrown]

Please listen to what everyone else is telling you. You have NO idea how much agony and hurt you are about to invite into your life. You can love him all you want but loving him and trying to have a relationship with him is NOT worth your self esteem, quality of life, emotional health and your peace of mind.

 

You say he is staying for the kids...did he TELL you this? My MM has told me LOTS of things. I bought every single one of his explanations as the truth. Guess what? Majority of them were all lies. These men LIE! They lie to themselves and they lie to us. What other way could they justify having an A or thinking about having one? Another thing, you mention that he already feels guilty. Imagine how guilty he is going to feel after you guys are physical? You think your in agony now...after your physical and he ditches you because he can't take it, you will feel used and cheap.

 

He has said he doesn't want this and yet you keep chasing him. He loves the attention he gets from you. Your making yourself look desperate. Your better than this. Please save yourself the agony and walk away. I promise you, it's easier to walk away and hurt than it will be to go forward with the A and hurt. The kind of hurt I have experienced during my A, I would NEVER wish on anyone. You have a chance to spare yourself the pain. Take it. Please take it.

 

Thank you, trust me, I do hear what everyone says, mostly they are all things I have said to myself! I do feel trashy and horrible.

For all intents and purposes I AM desperate! I'm an adult that's had many relationships and have been approached with affairs before, nothing or anyone has had the effect he has on me. Whenever we are together and talk about it all I sense is his fear, I am no longer afraid and maybe if I say my peace to him it will push him away for good and then I can move on, and if it doesn't then I get him for a bit and I won't wonder the rest of my life. I can't deal with anymore what ifs?!!!

[LovelyBrown]

This is rewriting the history of your marriage, the way you describe it now isn't how you describe it when you first started posting here. Don't believe me go back and read your post. You are sabotaging your marriage and creating distance from your husband because your attracted to this guy. In your mind NOW your marriage was horrible so what your doing is ok because your staying for the kids...Nah your foggy.

 

I understand what you're saying and you might be right, there is such a fog! I've been married a really long time and I've reached a point where I go back and forth, do I stay? Do I go? Do I love him, do I not? I've been here before, we fixed it and now I'm back here, I'm really finding it hard to make a decision to work on it, just so I can wake up in another 8 years and decide to want out? I stay because my kids love him, because that's what's easy.

So, what I want doesn't matter? Would it ever matter?

[Ifalltopieces]

Thank you, trust me, I do hear what everyone says, mostly they are all things I have said to myself! I do feel trashy and horrible.

For all intents and purposes I AM desperate! I'm an adult that's had many relationships and have been approached with affairs before, nothing or anyone has had the effect he has on me. Whenever we are together and talk about it all I sense is his fear, I am no longer afraid and maybe if I say my peace to him it will push him away for good and then I can move on, and if it doesn't then I get him for a bit and I won't wonder the rest of my life. I can't deal with anymore what ifs?!!!

 

 

 

Are you really ok with "getting him for a bit?" Don't you think you deserve the best of him, ALL the time? I know first hand how an A can fog your thinking and mess with your mental health. You really have no idea what your about to embark on.

 

At first it starts off great. No expectations.

Then, you start getting more and more attached which leads to wanting more.

Only, you can't have more. So you start convincing yourself that if you were better, or did this or that he would leave her and go with you.

The vicious cycle goes on and on, until one day, you don't know who or what you are. Your spirit is completely broke and you want to die.

 

It's hell. I hope you are ready.

 

I wish you the best. Maybe for you it will be different.

[What_Did_I_Do]

It's hell. I hope you are ready.

 

^^^^ THIS. Because it is self induced hell.

 

Do you stay married? Don't know but what I can tell you is that if you left your H (theoretically for MM who certainly isn't leaving his M), MM will hightail it to the nearest hill because you changed the game. Then you are stuck navigating through the dismal dating world and if you thought you were lonely before...nah, doesn't even come close.

 

Not having bits and pieces of MM IS better. Trust what the wise folks on LS are telling you. You were fine before MM and you will be after.

[LovelyBrown]

Are you really ok with "getting him for a bit?" Don't you think you deserve the best of him, ALL the time? I know first hand how an A can fog your thinking and mess with your mental health. You really have no idea what your about to embark on.

 

At first it starts off great. No expectations.

Then, you start getting more and more attached which leads to wanting more.

Only, you can't have more. So you start convincing yourself that if you were better, or did this or that he would leave her and go with you.

The vicious cycle goes on and on, until one day, you don't know who or what you are. Your spirit is completely broke and you want to die.

 

It's hell. I hope you are ready.

 

I wish you the best. Maybe for you it will be different.

 

I feel in hell already. I already feel all those things I highlighted.

[sweet_pea]

So you're prepared to lose everything if this does go into an affair?

[Ifalltopieces]

I feel in hell already. I already feel all those things I highlighted.

 

I know your already in a struggle and it sounds like you don't necessarily feel like it can get worse. I assure you, once your physically connected to him, the game changes. You find yourself doing things and following through with things you NEVER imagined! You become a woman you don't know. The self torment is almost worse than any torment of the actual A.

 

You really do have a chance to stop this train before it derails.

 

I'm certain your going to follow through with it. Before you do, please think about what everyone has shared with you. Think about ALL of the consequences. I didn't think about anyone or anything. I lived for the moment. And here I sit. More alone and destroyed than I was before. If I could have one do over in my life, my A would be it.

[MissBee]

I want him, and I'm, sadly, willing to take whatever he can give me. We are back to being friends who flirt and share too much about each other. Except this time he knows how I feel aboit him. I'm back to square one because I would rather have some of him than nothing at all. But I want more, he must know that him being my friend is just not enough and only causes me pain. Being away from him causes pain, being close to him causes pain. I don't know what to do anymore, he confuses me. I'm at the point where I want to ask him his conditions, how I can make this possible for him and I. Has anyone had this convo before?

 

Yes I have tried this, except it wasn't an affair, but the same situation of someone who was unable to give me more and me feeling like I needed to bargain and stick around and negotiate and try to get what I could out of them because at the time I felt some of him, no matter how minuscule, was better than none.

 

Now it makes me cringe and gag to think that I valued him so much and myself so little that I felt that was okay. That's what it says. If you cannot get what you want or deserve and would rather bargain for crumbs, all it shows is that you value this person, even their crumbs, way more than you do your own self and the question is why?!

 

It won't be worth it. It may soothe you for a very short time, but it will never be enough and you'll still want more, then you'll be resentful and you'll be in even more pain. You can't make him do anything, but the point is: don't you want someone who wants you, who values you, who also feels like they can't be without you so are willing to put themselves out there to have something real? I did the negotiating conditions thing, I'm embarrassed to even admit it. I then woke up and realized no man is worth all of that, no person, be they a friend or lover is worth that if it's not a mutually beneficial relationship based on love, respect, honesty etc. not bargaining and begging and making conditions and contracts for crumbs. In good relationships you don't need to bargain and negotiate for crumbs and try to have a piece of them....it's a mutual desire to be together openly and give it your all.

 

Not having him at all may initially feel hard and "worse" than the crumbs, but in the end if you stop feeding this you'll start moving on. Whereas as you admit, being "friends" is painful and trust me, he's already reluctant and in an affair it won't be any different, except the stakes will be much higher for all involved.

[Popsicle]

I'd take my kids, yes. He doesn't want to leave, he's okay with his crappy marriage because she is willing to put up with his deal. Basically she's his babysitter because he'd rather be at work then home but it's cheaper to stay married?

 

So if MM would leave his W for you and want to be with you, you would leave your H and be with him too?

 

I doubt you would say yes to that.

[Ifalltopieces]

So if MM would leave his W for you and want to be with you, you would leave your H and be with him too?

 

I doubt you would say yes to that.

 

I think she would go if MM decided to leave his wife. It seems like she is settling for her H until she can get who she really wants.

 

Then again, You could be right. Maybe if she was faced with the reality of that, her tune would change. It's one thing to talk about it and another to follow through.

[DKT3]

I think she would go if MM decided to leave his wife. It seems like she is settling for her H until she can get who she really wants.

 

Then again, You could be right. Maybe if she was faced with the reality of that, her tune would change. It's one thing to talk about it and another to follow through.

 

I think Popsicle is right, her marriage wasn't bad "according to when she first came here". She avoids talking about her husband because it brings reality to this situation.

 

Bottom line is people don't OFTEN leave for their AP's. Women do twice as often as men but that is still in the high teens low 20's percentage wise.

[LovelyBrown]

Yes I have tried this, except it wasn't an affair, but the same situation of someone who was unable to give me more and me feeling like I needed to bargain and stick around and negotiate and try to get what I could out of them because at the time I felt some of him, no matter how minuscule, was better than none.

 

Now it makes me cringe and gag to think that I valued him so much and myself so little that I felt that was okay. That's what it says. If you cannot get what you want or deserve and would rather bargain for crumbs, all it shows is that you value this person, even their crumbs, way more than you do your own self and the question is why?!

 

It won't be worth it. It may soothe you for a very short time, but it will never be enough and you'll still want more, then you'll be resentful and you'll be in even more pain. You can't make him do anything, but the point is: don't you want someone who wants you, who values you, who also feels like they can't be without you so are willing to put themselves out there to have something real? I did the negotiating conditions thing, I'm embarrassed to even admit it. I then woke up and realized no man is worth all of that, no person, be they a friend or lover is worth that if it's not a mutually beneficial relationship based on love, respect, honesty etc. not bargaining and begging and making conditions and contracts for crumbs. In good relationships you don't need to bargain and negotiate for crumbs and try to have a piece of them....it's a mutual desire to be together openly and give it your all.

 

Not having him at all may initially feel hard and "worse" than the crumbs, but in the end if you stop feeding this you'll start moving on. Whereas as you admit, being "friends" is painful and trust me, he's already reluctant and in an affair it won't be any different, except the stakes will be much higher for all involved.

 

Thanks. I don't know why it's so difficult to see how painful this will be. I mean I know it will be! But somehow I don't care

[LovelyBrown]

I think she would go if MM decided to leave his wife. It seems like she is settling for her H until she can get who she really wants.

 

Then again, You could be right. Maybe if she was faced with the reality of that, her tune would change. It's one thing to talk about it and another to follow through.

 

I would, I would do it tomorrow. If I'm going to leave anyways, I can leave with him or leave without him later on. People spend too much over thinking, I want him and would give us a real shot if he would let me. Either way my outcome is the same. I don't knew how much longer I'll be married, you can only do so much for your kids. Do I sound like someone who should be married? Probably not.

[Popsicle]

I would, I would do it tomorrow. If I'm going to leave anyways, I can leave with him or leave without him later on. People spend too much over thinking, I want him and would give us a real shot if he would let me. Either way my outcome is the same. I don't knew how much longer I'll be married, you can only do so much for your kids. Do I sound like someone who should be married? Probably not.

 

I think you're bluffing and just frustrated.

Remember you will be leaving and being alone, not being with MM. (Because he's staying M)

[jbrent890]

I would, I would do it tomorrow. If I'm going to leave anyways, I can leave with him or leave without him later on. People spend too much over thinking, I want him and would give us a real shot if he would let me. Either way my outcome is the same. I don't knew how much longer I'll be married, you can only do so much for your kids. Do I sound like someone who should be married? Probably not.

 

If is this the attitude you have towards your marriage, then do it. I'm not trying to be rude, but if you are willing to leave your marriage for a man that is not interested in you and clearly not leaving his M for you, then I don't know what else to. I agree with DKT. You are in the thick of the fog right now. I have read some of your earlier posts and how you felt about your marriage then compared to how you feel about your marriage now is night and day. In my opinion, some affairs are different and a lot are the same. Yours to me is the standard MW affair that I see a lot. Not necessarily a bad marriage, but when someone new comes along, all of this sudden the marriage changes to something completely different.

 

Sadly, what ever route you choose, you have a lot of work ahead of you. If you choose to stay with your husband, you are going have to learn to fall in love with him again. I'm afraid that sooner or later, your husband is going to realize something is off, if he hasn't already. I think the last thing you would want if for him to make a decision for you. If you choose to leave, you will more than likely come to regret the decision. I could see if the marriage was bad, but in the beginning of your tenure here, you did not describe as such. When women in your situation choose to leave their marriages, they come to regret the decision. Some even ask for second chances. And please believe me when I say I'm not making this up to scare you. The internet is riddled with stories like this. Again, whatever you choose, you got your work cut out for you, but I do wish you luck.

[LovelyBrown]

I think you're bluffing and just frustrated.

Remember you will be leaving and being alone, not being with MM. (Because he's staying M)

 

There's a lot more to my marriage than what I've written here, being alone doesn't scare me, I spend a lot of time alone anyways.

 

I thank everyone on here for their kind advise, really I do. I will take everything into consideration and give myself a week. I'm just trying to be as honest as I can be giving the fog that my heart has me under.

[privategal]

Thank you, trust me, I do hear what everyone says, mostly they are all things I have said to myself! I do feel trashy and horrible.

For all intents and purposes I AM desperate! I'm an adult that's had many relationships and have been approached with affairs before, nothing or anyone has had the effect he has on me. Whenever we are together and talk about it all I sense is his fear, I am no longer afraid and maybe if I say my peace to him it will push him away for good and then I can move on, and if it doesn't then I get him for a bit and I won't wonder the rest of my life. I can't deal with anymore what ifs?!!!

So out of one side of your mouth you feel trashy and horrible...other side of it youd do anything to make him try.

Your so mixed up.

One thing is for sure...men dont have "fear" when they are pursuing an affair and want you.

They pursue you hard...the signals arent mixed...they come for you full speed.

The "fear", staying for kids, unhappy home excuses are later..mthe ones he's giving scream he is trying to let you down gently.

You are making work awkward...he's tried to say his wife is wise to it...he doesn't want to risk his job for a woman he is just not that into.

He held hands.. You had a moment...he doesn't want it..he isn't that into you.

Pull yourself together.

Im feeling sorry that your in this deep when he isnt.

Stop this...I dont think your likely to work on your marriage...fine...but gosh..work on YOU then.

Your stealing from your employer in essence and stealing from your own happiness bank.

You look desperate. Let it die. Stop feeding it, your obsessed.

He cant escape you. Please dont lose your dignity.

He wants to get out of this...his only joy is attention...that gets old and he would seek it anywhere. Ego strokes dont go deep and the women these guys get ego strokes from they don't see as special.

 

Dont be used. Do your job. Reinvent your life...meet friends for lunch, get out of the office for lunch with friends.

Just regroup this story is aweful. Its really hopeless with him.

And why are u attracting many more affairs? Im attractive, thin, sucessful, polite, kind, a mixed circle of friends men abd women...yet just one...a colleague...and he drained my life and this ea went on forever and started the sane as yours...lost my dignity...my mental health..we were both married.

Id do anything to keep you OFF this path.

Please listen to YOURSELF you are sounding crazy with all due respect. Back off of him.

Just because you are unhappy at home doesn't mean he is.

[Lovemesomehim]

He has already given you his conditions. He has already laid out what's to be expected. YOU want more than he can give. If you decide that ending is too painful for you then also realize that staying will cause greater pain.

[LovelyBrown]

So out of one side of your mouth you feel trashy and horrible...other side of it youd do anything to make him try.

Your so mixed up.

One thing is for sure...men dont have "fear" when they are pursuing an affair and want you.

They pursue you hard...the signals arent mixed...they come for you full speed.

The "fear", staying for kids, unhappy home excuses are later..mthe ones he's giving scream he is trying to let you down gently.

You are making work awkward...he's tried to say his wife is wise to it...he doesn't want to risk his job for a woman he is just not that into.

He held hands.. You had a moment...he doesn't want it..he isn't that into you.

Pull yourself together.

Im feeling sorry that your in this deep when he isnt.

Stop this...I dont think your likely to work on your marriage...fine...but gosh..work on YOU then.

Your stealing from your employer in essence and stealing from your own happiness bank.

You look desperate. Let it die. Stop feeding it, your obsessed.

He cant escape you. Please dont lose your dignity.

He wants to get out of this...his only joy is attention...that gets old and he would seek it anywhere. Ego strokes dont go deep and the women these guys get ego strokes from they don't see as special.

 

Dont be used. Do your job. Reinvent your life...meet friends for lunch, get out of the office for lunch with friends.

Just regroup this story is aweful. Its really hopeless with him.

And why are u attracting many more affairs? Im attractive, thin, sucessful, polite, kind, a mixed circle of friends men abd women...yet just one...a colleague...and he drained my life and this ea went on forever and started the sane as yours...lost my dignity...my mental health..we were both married.

Id do anything to keep you OFF this path.

Please listen to YOURSELF you are sounding crazy with all due respect. Back off of him.

Just because you are unhappy at home doesn't mean he is.

 

Thank you, your post has helped me, and brought in a new perspective.