Back to Square but I want to ask him for more

[m4p]

Oh dear.. After everything, you decided to take this path after all. What you're feeling (and doing) now I can identify as myself then in the A. The keyword is "impulsiveness" and "instant gratification". Where you imagined the pleasure to be worth the pain. The truth? It is not worth it. AT ALL. You're merely in denial and blocking out the consequences you know WILL come if you continue. I was so damn happy in my A. It was day after day of being with my best friend and lover. Warning bells already rang non stop since the very first day we veered towards the side of inappropriateness. It can only go downhill from now. Don't be lazy (in your thoughts). Force yourself to face the truth- that this will never be. I think from the sound of things you should not even be with any of this 2 men- both your husband and your AP.

 

Don't wait for sh*t to hit the fan because by then you'll learn it the hard way: he will never leave his wife and even if he does do you want to settle being number 2 for the rest of your life?

 

Last but not least. Please remember you only live once. It's so cliche but it really did hit me hard. Do you want to continue this drama and look back 10,20 years with regret? Think about your children and the example you're being to them.

 

I know it hurts bad but please know I wish you only the best....

[LovelyBrown]

Oh dear.. After everything, you decided to take this path after all. What you're feeling (and doing) now I can identify as myself then in the A. The keyword is "impulsiveness" and "instant gratification". Where you imagined the pleasure to be worth the pain. The truth? It is not worth it. AT ALL. You're merely in denial and blocking out the consequences you know WILL come if you continue. I was so damn happy in my A. It was day after day of being with my best friend and lover. Warning bells already rang non stop since the very first day we veered towards the side of inappropriateness. It can only go downhill from now. Don't be lazy (in your thoughts). Force yourself to face the truth- that this will never be. I think from the sound of things you should not even be with any of this 2 men- both your husband and your AP.

 

Don't wait for sh*t to hit the fan because by then you'll learn it the hard way: he will never leave his wife and even if he does do you want to settle being number 2 for the rest of your life?

 

Last but not least. Please remember you only live once. It's so cliche but it really did hit me hard. Do you want to continue this drama and look back 10,20 years with regret? Think about your children and the example you're being to them.

 

I know it hurts bad but please know I wish you only the best....

 

You're so lovely! Thank you. I spoke to him today, and I'm done. I can't be his friend anymore. I know I was holding on to threads of interest. I'm a bit heart broken but hopefully I can move on. You're right, I need to not be with anybody at this moment. It's going to be painful to see MM and not want to be in his life, I'll just have to deal with it. As for my husband, this is probably over but I'm gong to IC to see if there's anything there.

[OldRover]

You're so lovely! Thank you. I spoke to him today, and I'm done. I can't be his friend anymore. I know I was holding on to threads of interest. I'm a bit heart broken but hopefully I can move on. You're right, I need to not be with anybody at this moment. It's going to be painful to see MM and not want to be in his life, I'll just have to deal with it. As for my husband, this is probably over but I'm gong to IC to see if there's anything there.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Majormisstep]

Way to go Lovely! You saved your dignity and self esteem. As painful as this is right now, the reward is so much better.

 

Grieve this for sure, THEN look at your M to see if you can or should salvage. You are on the right track!!

[LovelyBrown]

Way to go Lovely! You saved your dignity and self esteem. As painful as this is right now, the reward is so much better.

 

Grieve this for sure, THEN look at your M to see if you can or should salvage. You are on the right track!!

 

I feel so empty today. I told him that I couldn't be this friend who only sees him at work every few days while he unloads all of his problems on me. He grumbled some inaudible words got up said I'm just trying to be the good guy and walked away...only to come back 1/2 hr later to say bye? AGGH!. That's all I needed to know that I need to stop, he's so convinced he's doing the right thing but doesn't care that his wife would feel betrayed if she ever found out what he says to me, is he being the good guy after all? What does he think of me then?

 

Like I said, I feel empty and as if I'm somehow I'm not good enough, I hate feeling like this. I hate that he makes me feel like this. Anyways, onwards and upwards!

[Missinghim17]

I want him, and I'm, sadly, willing to take whatever he can give me. We are back to being friends who flirt and share too much about each other. Except this time he knows how I feel aboit him. I'm back to square one because I would rather have some of him than nothing at all. But I want more, he must know that him being my friend is just not enough and only causes me pain. Being away from him causes pain, being close to him causes pain. I don't know what to do anymore, he confuses me. I'm at the point where I want to ask him his conditions, how I can make this possible for him and I. Has anyone had this convo before?

 

You sound exactly like me. I'm definitely past the "friends" level with my MM, but just like you, Im willing to take whatever he gives me as painful as it is. If I only get a phone call once a week even tho I want to talk to him everyday, I just accept it. My MM knows i'm deeply in love with him. He knows the terrible pain I go thru, but I also would rather have any of him at all than none because I feel like I can't live without him. I've been on and off with mine 5 years. The pain will never stop. When hes around, it hurts because he's actually told me he won't leave his wife cause of the kids. When hes gone, its just as bad. Not knowing if hes ok, if he forgot about me, if he ever cared at all or if he'll ever be back. I just deal with it cause I figure its better to suffer the pain than not have him in my life at all.

[LovelyBrown]

You sound exactly like me. I'm definitely past the "friends" level with my MM, but just like you, Im willing to take whatever he gives me as painful as it is. If I only get a phone call once a week even tho I want to talk to him everyday, I just accept it. My MM knows i'm deeply in love with him. He knows the terrible pain I go thru, but I also would rather have any of him at all than none because I feel like I can't live without him. I've been on and off with mine 5 years. The pain will never stop. When hes around, it hurts because he's actually told me he won't leave his wife cause of the kids. When hes gone, its just as bad. Not knowing if hes ok, if he forgot about me, if he ever cared at all or if he'll ever be back. I just deal with it cause I figure its better to suffer the pain than not have him in my life at all.

 

Are you still in contact with him? I read bit through your past threads, you said you were 2 years NC has that changed? I don't want to think about this guy right now let alone for two more years, I don't think I could handle it.

[privategal]

You arent done, its clear.

I think you want him to chase you and convince you to stay friends.

Im concerned that you fell in love with someone you just held hands with and exchanged flirting.

It amounts to really nothing, you haven't spent real time, seen him at his worst with the flu, seen him at home in his natural environment-the way he would interract or handle his wife and kids, you haven't shared a nice date or talked for hours about everything under the sun, morals, values, life goals, dreams and plans.

He hasn't even done anything at all for you but youd up and leave for him? I mean..he hasn't even future faked.

You seem so mixed up.

And your not over this.

I understand love, affairs, lust...I just cant even imagine why you feel this strongly about him. He clearly could care Less...less than less.

You were a fun worktime diversion.

Thats ALL. If you are really done...why another conversation about not being friends?

You want him to make you stay. You would settle for the crumbs. You need out of that job.

[LovelyBrown]

I don't know why I need to explain every possible aspect of my relationship with this guy, i would have to write a 5 page essay! We've been friends for 2 years, in that time have shared a lot about our lives, he has shared an awful lot of intimate details about his life with me. He's a very difficult person, with a lot of stuff to deal with and doesn't just talk to everyone, there was a connection he felt it, I felt it. Have people NOT ever fallen for someone? Isn't working with someone and seeing them frequently over 2 years not reason enough to get to know them and fall for them?

I've been married for a very long time, I fell in love and married within 12 months, falling in love is easy staying in love is hard.

He told me it was hurting him to stay away from me, but that he couldn't be that man, and still he's hanging around, when I say hey how are you doing? It's never just a simple I'm fine, it's his long story about whatever is happening. Again, I can't stress enough as to how introverted this person is, he wouldn't go around and vent like this with anyone.

Anyways, I did tell him I couldn't be this type of friend anymore, and it hurts me everyday. I understand everyone's concern for my level of interest in him and his lack of interest towards me, I see it when he's not around, but when he is is completely different.

Yes, I'm mixed up and probably contradict myself a lot. I am trying, if I wasn't and didn't care about myself I wouldn't be on here trying to see the light.

[Noideanow]

You arent done, its clear.

I think you want him to chase you and convince you to stay friends.

Im concerned that you fell in love with someone you just held hands with and exchanged flirting.

It amounts to really nothing, you haven't spent real time, seen him at his worst with the flu, seen him at home in his natural environment-the way he would interract or handle his wife and kids, you haven't shared a nice date or talked for hours about everything under the sun, morals, values, life goals, dreams and plans.

He hasn't even done anything at all for you but youd up and leave for him? I mean..he hasn't even future faked.

You seem so mixed up.

And your not over this.

I understand love, affairs, lust...I just cant even imagine why you feel this strongly about him. He clearly could care Less...less than less.

You were a fun worktime diversion.

Thats ALL. If you are really done...why another conversation about not being friends?

You want him to make you stay. You would settle for the crumbs. You need out of that job.

 

You Seem to know everything about her life, a woman youve never met I imagine, thats very funny and scarry;) a little bit of jealousy here?

[jbrent890]

Women's Infidelity | Why Women Cheat And Have Affairs

 

Lovely, I have been reading your posts as of late. If you don't mind me saying, the tone you have about your husband and marriage is completely different than when you first started here. The article I posted is very insightful. The author really knows what she is talking about. I would say that you are definitely in stage 2 right now. It really does appear like you are rewriting your marital history in an effort to deal with the feelings you have for this guy. I don't think you are experiencing love. Read what she says about women in stage 2. I think it will help you understand what you are feeling.

[LovelyBrown]

Women's Infidelity | Why Women Cheat And Have Affairs

 

Lovely, I have been reading your posts as of late. If you don't mind me saying, the tone you have about your husband and marriage is completely different than when you first started here. The article I posted is very insightful. The author really knows what she is talking about. I would say that you are definitely in stage 2 right now. It really does appear like you are rewriting your marital history in an effort to deal with the feelings you have for this guy. I don't think you are experiencing love. Read what she says about women in stage 2. I think it will help you understand what you are feeling.

 

Thanks J, I have read this article in the past.

I feel that I may have changed my tone because over the past few months I have done A LOT of thinking about my relationship. I still believe I have a good husband, he's a good provider and a good man, we have what people would consider a healthy sex life and I have managed to make people envious of our relationship. Yes, if you live the charade for long enough you start to get comfortable and believe it. All the things I have with him I don't have patience, the unconditional love and want for him anymore... I feel guilt, not because of how I feel but because of the consequences my actions can have, but not because of him.

I can't do this anymore, I'm faced with staying until kids graduate or leaving now and dealing with it. I just can't imagine giving up so much of myself for what I have been spoon fed by the masses should be a good marriage, and how I should be happy.

[jaskiegs]

Lots of good advice here that I hope you take to heart. As a MM, I will add a little bit of a different perspective. Take this with a grain of salt because I don't know how much is post-facto justification on my part but it feels sincere.

 

First, there is almost a 100% chance that if you continue to work together, the EA will turn into a PA. Proximity breeds that kind of eventuality. If it weren't going to become physical, one or both of you would have broken it off by now.

 

Second, I am not sure there is one bit of difference anymore between an EA and PA. OK...so there is genital involvement but at the end of the day, sex is just the physical manifestation of what is already going on, be that lust or love.

 

Third, if you are going to pursue it, do it now. I waited for the perfect moment to leave my wife and it never arrived. In those years, I was a terrible husband. Moreover, I missed the potential chance to have a life with my AP. In other words, I have the worst of all worlds. Had I to do it all over again, I would have taken the leap earlier (I think) and lived with the consequences. Or ended it earlier (though we tried).

 

Bottom line is that you can't live your life to the fullest while sitting on a fence. Get off the fence. Yes, leaving your marriage and having an A will be painful. You probably should not do it. But, really, you already are.

[LovelyBrown]

Lots of good advice here that I hope you take to heart. As a MM, I will add a little bit of a different perspective. Take this with a grain of salt because I don't know how much is post-facto justification on my part but it feels sincere.

 

First, there is almost a 100% chance that if you continue to work together, the EA will turn into a PA. Proximity breeds that kind of eventuality. If it weren't going to become physical, one or both of you would have broken it off by now.

 

Second, I am not sure there is one bit of difference anymore between an EA and PA. OK...so there is genital involvement but at the end of the day, sex is just the physical manifestation of what is already going on, be that lust or love.

 

Third, if you are going to pursue it, do it now. I waited for the perfect moment to leave my wife and it never arrived. In those years, I was a terrible husband. Moreover, I missed the potential chance to have a life with my AP. In other words, I have the worst of all worlds. Had I to do it all over again, I would have taken the leap earlier (I think) and lived with the consequences. Or ended it earlier (though we tried).

 

Bottom line is that you can't live your life to the fullest while sitting on a fence. Get off the fence. Yes, leaving your marriage and having an A will be painful. You probably should not do it. But, really, you already are.

 

Thanks so much for this post and the different perspective. I appreciate the thoughts from a MM.

I think he's a good guy, I don't know if he's still around because he likes the way I make him feel or has any interest in me anymore. He is only in the office every couple of weeks, so it's easy to stay away from each other, last time I told him I couldnt be his friend every 2-3 weeks to that he said he can't cheat, he shifted on his chair and then got up said "he was just trying to be the good guy" and left. My true intentions were not to ask him to cheat with me, I wanted him to know that this relationship wasn't serving me well. Now he's pissy. What does he have to be mad at me about?

I need to move on! His actions speak louder than words, I can't throw myself at him anymore, it is hard because when he's around we have to work together I need to learn to think like he does.

[jaskiegs]

What does he have to be mad at me about?

 

He has his own feelings to be mad about and by talking to him like you did, you forced him to face it. So he gets angry in an effort to manipulate you into not bringing it up.

 

How do I know this? Because I did it too. Not consciously but in retrospect, yes, I did it. I didn't want to face that part of me and blamed her for raising the mirror, so to speak.

 

Incidentally, I am not sure that has anything to do with affairs. Humans do it all the time in all kinds of relationships. We are very dangerous machines.

[LovelyBrown]

He has his own feelings to be mad about and by talking to him like you did, you forced him to face it. So he gets angry in an effort to manipulate you into not bringing it up.

 

How do I know this? Because I did it too. Not consciously but in retrospect, yes, I did it. I didn't want to face that part of me and blamed her for raising the mirror, so to speak.

 

Incidentally, I am not sure that has anything to do with affairs. Humans do it all the time in all kinds of relationships. We are very dangerous machines.

 

I fear he blames me for whatever misery his wife has caused him, in all of this I have told him in the past that I don't want to be another source of stress for him but I can't keep being this person. Thanks for your advise.