kiley22 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We've done a lot in the time - I've met his family, we traveled abroad, and we make it a point to see each other every day. We definitely try our best to make each other a priority. We're not a perfect couple, we get in our share of fights. I think a lot of it is because there is a learning curve in a new relationship where you learn about each other's idiosyncrasies. One of the things we've fought about is social media (surprise, surprise). He is reluctant to share any pictures of us together on Facebook due to a past experience with a crazy ex. He is a professional and his clients follow him on his page. He said he doesn't want them to see anything about his dating life. He wants to keep it separate and only posts inspirational/work related posts (which isn't entirely true, there are posts with friends & social engagements). He said his ex posted crazy things after they broke up. She was friends with some of his clients on Facebook and he would get asked constantly what the posts were all about. If you look at his FB page, you would have no idea that we were in a relationship. He looks completely single. He only posted solo pics I took of him on our vacation - not one of us together. His relationship status says 'single'. What I don't understand is if she was so crazy, why he hasn't removed their photos together from his Facebook page. He finally admitted that its not that he would never post pictures of us but maybe further down the line when we've been together longer. He said I should just trust him. On the other hand, he has different expectations of me on social media. He wants me to post pictures of us on my social pages but he does not want me to tag him. How should I handle this? Does this seem off to you? My fear is that he wants to appear single to keep the door open because he's not secure in our relationship. Should I just let it be and trust him? He makes me feel secure with all other aspects of our relationship. Maybe when we've been together for 8, 9 months he'll feel more comfortable? Edited July 27, 2015 by kiley22
RoseVille Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 How should I handle this? Does this seem off to you? My fear is that he wants to appear single to keep the door open because he's not secure in our relationship. Should I just let it be and trust him? Maybe when we've been together for 8, 9 months he'll feel more comfortable? He's secure in your relationship insofar as he knows you're invested. The problem is he doesn't want his ex to know he's in another relationship. And it's not because she's "crazy," it's because he still harbors feelings for her. Also, I don't think it's normal to have your share of fights in the first 5 months. 2
Author kiley22 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) He's secure in your relationship insofar as he knows you're invested. The problem is he doesn't want his ex to know he's in another relationship. And it's not because she's "crazy," it's because he still harbors feelings for her. Also, I don't think it's normal to have your share of fights in the first 5 months. I should add that the relationship ended horribly - with him filing a restraining order against her. They are no longer friends on FB and it was 2 years ago. Edited July 28, 2015 by kiley22
fitnessfan365 Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I find it ironic that you say he isn't secure in the relationship when it's you acting insecure over his social media behavior. Personally, I think that any type of social media causes more drama and trouble than it's worth in dating. 1
RoseVille Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I should add that the relationship ended horribly - with him filing a restraining order against her. They are no longer friends on FB and it was 2 years ago. If they're not FB friends, there's no reason why he should hide you from being all over his FB page. It makes not one ounce of sense. He doesn't want to be with you publicly to the world. And you're only hearing his side of the story.
clia Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I actually think his explanation sounds totally reasonable. You haven't been together long at all and some people are more hesitant to start splashing their personal life all over social media, particularly in a situation like your boyfriend's where he's friends with clients. (Dumb idea, but what's done is done.) I think you should just be patient. 1
Yookie Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I think it's reasonable to be reluctant to post couple pictures at 5 months since the relationship is still early. I don't like the "single" status however. He should either change it or just not display relationship status at all. You can get rid of that status completely! If I were you, I'd not post couple pictures on my page either. 2
organizedchaos Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 It's possible for him to put his clients on a list and when he posts photos to not include that list. Problem solved. He may need more time considering his past tho. However I agree with the other poster that you shouldn't be having your fair share of fights at 5 months, IMO. 2
travelbug1996 Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Don't post pictures of him on your social media and don't change your relationship status. What does your status say by the way??
veggirl Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 He needs to delete the single. Why does he have it set as that? Ask him to delete it. Other than that, I have to admit his reasoning sounds legit if he really does have a lot of clients on there. Not sure why they need to be his FB friends but whatever I guess. Ask him when he'd feel more comfortable putting it online and decide if you feel okay with his timeline! I like organizedchaos idea of putting the clients on a filtered setting, too. Great idea. 2
Qboro90 Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 From a guys perspective this is completely reasonable in my opinion. Its no secret that his ex caused serious problems for him based off the social media activity she was involved with and the way their relationship ended. The fact that his next gf (you) is making social media a big deal is probably making him wonder if he's in store for the same drama all over again so it's no wonder he's not jumping right into it. The "single" status he has is the only thing that you could perhaps ask him to change. However that's also a touchy subject for some guys. How old are you guys? If he's working at a career type job then don't make the photos a big deal. Nowadays most reputable companies monitor social media activity so if he's not eager to have you beach swimsuit and kissing on vaca photos publicized for his colleagues to see that's understandable from my point of view. Also remember that while your job and career might not worry about this at all, that does not mean that everyone else wants their work life to have access to their personal life. The only thing you can do without sounding like a social media "I want people to know I have a bf" girl (sorry to be blunt) is the next time he brings up what YOU post explain that you have no problem with him separating his personal life from his Fb page, however the "single" status is something he can simply remove and have nothing there. If he has a problem with that then I'd say there is a deeper reason behind this but until then you should keep the things that you post of the two of you mature and tasteful so that he can see you're not That girl who shows off to everyone. 1
Author kiley22 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Don't post pictures of him on your social media and don't change your relationship status. What does your status say by the way?? I don't have a status on mine. It's just blank. I don't need him to change his status to being in a relationship - just want him to remove the 'single' status. I actually stopped posting pictures of us on my social as a result of him not posting and he called me out on it during our vacation - saying that it was like I was on vacation on my own. So frustrating. Since then, I've resumed to posting pictures of us.
Author kiley22 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 From a guys perspective this is completely reasonable in my opinion. Its no secret that his ex caused serious problems for him based off the social media activity she was involved with and the way their relationship ended. The fact that his next gf (you) is making social media a big deal is probably making him wonder if he's in store for the same drama all over again so it's no wonder he's not jumping right into it. The "single" status he has is the only thing that you could perhaps ask him to change. However that's also a touchy subject for some guys. How old are you guys? If he's working at a career type job then don't make the photos a big deal. Nowadays most reputable companies monitor social media activity so if he's not eager to have you beach swimsuit and kissing on vaca photos publicized for his colleagues to see that's understandable from my point of view. Also remember that while your job and career might not worry about this at all, that does not mean that everyone else wants their work life to have access to their personal life. The only thing you can do without sounding like a social media "I want people to know I have a bf" girl (sorry to be blunt) is the next time he brings up what YOU post explain that you have no problem with him separating his personal life from his Fb page, however the "single" status is something he can simply remove and have nothing there. If he has a problem with that then I'd say there is a deeper reason behind this but until then you should keep the things that you post of the two of you mature and tasteful so that he can see you're not That girl who shows off to everyone. That's exactly what I was thinking of asking him to do. I don't need him to change the status to in a relationship, I just want him to simply remove the single status. I haven't yet brought this up to him because I didn't discover it until after our conversation. He actually wants me to post more pictures of us together - he called me out on it when I pulled a slightly passive aggressive move and stopped posting pictures of us when I noticed he wasn't posting anything.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) I don't know. This kind of rubs me the wrong way. Some are fine with the no pics but object to the fact that he hasn't changed his status. For me, I can somewhat understand the hesitation with the status but think a pic or two of the two of you isn't expecting too much. I'm not one to parade my life, personal or otherwise on Facebook (I don't have any other accounts anymore) but I have changed my status when it was time and have posted one or two pics of me and my partner at Christmas - that's it in over two and half years. Some people love it and even need to post all kinds of crap online if only for validation. As already mentioned there are measures you can take within your privacy settings that control which friends see what. It's really very simple. I get it that his past experience might have made him a bit skittish but I still think it's a bit odd when someone is very active on social media yet refuses to acknowledge even in the smallest way, that they're off the market. Just my two cents. Edited July 28, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle 2
Author kiley22 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 I don't know. This kind of rubs me the wrong way. Some are fine with the no pics but object to the fact that he hasn't changed his status. For me, I can somewhat understand the hesitation with the status but think a pic or two of the two of you isn't expecting too much. I'm not one to parade my life, personal or otherwise on Facebook (I don't have any other accounts anymore) but I have changed my status when it was time and have posted one or two pics of me and my partner at Christmas - that's it in over two and half years. Some people love it and even need to post all kinds of crap online if only for validation. As already mentioned there are measures you can take within your privacy settings that control which friends see what. It's really very simple. I get it that his past experience might have made him a bit skittish but I still think it's a bit odd when someone is very active on social media yet refuses to acknowledge even in the smallest way, that they're off the market. Just my two cents. Agree. I dont think one picture of us together is asking for too much. We had a great picture of us at a wedding last week. I posted it on my page and got really sad when the FB prompt asking if I wanted to tag him came up and I had to reject it. I think knowing what I know about him, the best course of action is to be patient and let him do it on his own time. I'll give him until September and if nothing, then its time to bring it up again. I'm confident in all other aspects of our relationship and I feel like if I push, its not going to help the cause. 1
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