honey85 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 The hope really is terrible. I can't stop wondering how many people actually end up hearing from their dumpers at some point You will hear from him, most likely when he's out with some girl and she's nothing on you, then he will come running back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 You will hear from him, most likely when he's out with some girl and she's nothing on you, then he will come running back. That'll be an eternity... he's a very handsome 22-23 year old boy that's been on a year long hiatus. He didn't date (or even sleep) with anyone a year before I came along, and before that year, he was with a girl that lived 30 hours away from him. He gave her years of his time, and then I get kicked on my ass in a few months. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
ird Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 You mentioned visiting. Was it an LDR? If so, how many times have you met up physically? How long is the distance? If it wasn't an LDR, sorry. Just remember you'll go through a lot worse in life, and in some amount of time this break up won't mean anything to you. Try writing in a journal (voice diaries actually help me a lot considering I get bored easily while writing.) Get out there and do your own thing. You don't need friends to go out with either. Pick up an art form (paint, draw, whatever. even if you're crappy at it.) Maybe learn an instrument. Play some video games. Binge watch netflix. Clean up around the house/apartment, cook or bake. Just do anything to get your mind off of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) You mentioned visiting. Was it an LDR? If so, how many times have you met up physically? How long is the distance? We were ten hours from each other. This is going to sound terrible, but that was the first time we met, before he dumped me a week afterwards. But it went so well, he even had me meet his family. Everything went better than imaginable, we both felt that way. But he went to a wedding a week later, and flipped out, saying that me living here would be too close to marriage, but that he was afraid of doing another long distance. I know it sounds like I got dumped because he didn't like me in person, but I can swear that that's not it. Even his friend told me that he wouldn't stop talking about how excited he was for me to live there after I left. The last thing he said to me was "I swear I'm going to die alone" Edited July 28, 2015 by finalendeavor Link to post Share on other sites
ird Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 We were ten hours from each other. This is going to sound terrible, but that was the first time we met, before he dumped me a week afterwards. But it went so well, he even had me meet his family. Everything went better than imaginable, we both felt that way. But he went to a wedding a week later, and flipped out, saying that me living here would be too close to marriage, but that he was afraid of doing another long distance. I know it sounds like I got dumped because he didn't like me in person, but I can swear that that's not it. Even his friend told me that he wouldn't stop talking about how excited he was for me to live there after I left. The last thing he said to me was "I swear I'm going to die alone" It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants (which is normal, you're both young.) It probably all came crashing down to him that all these commitments he swore he'd make to you, he'd actually have to start making. This can be very scary to someone, definitely someone not used to being in a mainly real-life relationship (as in, living with someone or even living in the same city as them.) It sounds to me as if he's scared of actually committing to a full-time, real life relationship, 24/7, as it would be if you guys lived together. From what you've written, he doesn't have real experience being in a full time adult relationship (you said he spent years in an LDR with a 30 hour distance.) How about you? Have you dated much before him, and was it anything serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants (which is normal, you're both young.) It probably all came crashing down to him that all these commitments he swore he'd make to you, he'd actually have to start making. This can be very scary to someone, definitely someone not used to being in a mainly real-life relationship (as in, living with someone or even living in the same city as them.) It sounds to me as if he's scared of actually committing to a full-time, real life relationship, 24/7, as it would be if you guys lived together. From what you've written, he doesn't have real experience being in a full time adult relationship (you said he spent years in an LDR with a 30 hour distance.) How about you? Have you dated much before him, and was it anything serious? Him and I have both had committed, long-term relationships, but neither of us have ever gotten to the moving-in phase, or even discussed it with anyone. It's so upsetting that the fear made him run. We were so connected and such similar people, we supported each other, inspired each other to be better. We had such a good thing, and then it just went away overnight. I'm clinging onto how I remember our relationship, because I'm having a hard time accepting that the way he's handled it nearly discredits the entire thing. Its been spoiled. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 If I could give one piece of advice that I wish I had realized early on, it would be to not hope to hear from the person. That's seriously the worst thing. It's hard to prevent... the whole hoping thing, because it's so painful and especially if you feel in your heart you will hear from the person again. However, just don't do it. Force yourself to not contemplate hearing from him again. Don't listen to the people who say you will inevitably hear from him again. I clung to that hope for dear life at times and it hasn't gotten me anywhere, so I would advise against it. You're going to likely experience a whirlwind of emotions and it's no easy ride, and telling you not to hope is like telling you not to breathe air, but from the sound of it, it sounds like he's young and not willing to commit, and chances of him doing a 180 in the near, foreseeable future are unlikely. It's going to be a long journey. Brace yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Thank you so much for your honesty, Dyna. I can't shake that "he was the one" feeling, I feel in my heart that he will be back because of how strong our connection was, but I also know that we're all prone to wishful thinking when we're hurt. Definitely the most difficult BU I've experienced. He was my bestfriend, we'd always agreed that we were each other's partners in crime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 So here I am, at day 31, feeling nearly as ****ty as I did on day 1. Why? Still holding onto that hope, and reality has came crashing down on me. After spending 60% of my days unhealthily obsessing and reading/ rereading people's posts about men always coming back, regretting their decisions, etc., I have trained my brain to expect contact from my dumper at many of the highly talked about NC "milestones". Hope poisons your mind; when that one month milestone arrives, and you still have not heard from your ex like you expected to, all of the same initial break up questions come rushing back into your mind. Suddenly, it's like your being broken up with again. Hope hinders acceptance, and that's where I'm at right now. I punish myself at the gym every single day, I read, write, paint, game; I do 1,000,000,000 different things to get my mind off of it, and none of it has matters because I still can't stop punishing myself everyday by letting the lack of expected contact/ loss be indicative of my self-worth and the time I spent with him. I'm still analyzing every single word and action just like I did on day one, when the reality is this; when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter how ****ing amazing you are, because (with lots of thought or not) they're taking into account all of that amazingness and deciding that they would rather take their chances elsewhere, without you in their life. I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm posting it as bit of a rant/ bad example. If I had stopped hanging onto hope, I would be so much further along in the healing process than I currently am. Don't make the mistake I did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) An experience like this only makes people realize how important it is not to just jump into relationships without a little precaution and not to throw reason away. The same intensity you felt for the person going in, is the same intensity you will feel if it ends. strong emotions can be traumatizing. i wish you all the best in your recovery. Edited July 29, 2015 by casey.lives Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 So here I am, at day 31, feeling nearly as ****ty as I did on day 1. Why? Still holding onto that hope, and reality has came crashing down on me. After spending 60% of my days unhealthily obsessing and reading/ rereading people's posts about men always coming back, regretting their decisions, etc., I have trained my brain to expect contact from my dumper at many of the highly talked about NC "milestones". Hope poisons your mind; when that one month milestone arrives, and you still have not heard from your ex like you expected to, all of the same initial break up questions come rushing back into your mind. Suddenly, it's like your being broken up with again. Hope hinders acceptance, and that's where I'm at right now. I punish myself at the gym every single day, I read, write, paint, game; I do 1,000,000,000 different things to get my mind off of it, and none of it has matters because I still can't stop punishing myself everyday by letting the lack of expected contact/ loss be indicative of my self-worth and the time I spent with him. I'm still analyzing every single word and action just like I did on day one, when the reality is this; when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter how ****ing amazing you are, because (with lots of thought or not) they're taking into account all of that amazingness and deciding that they would rather take their chances elsewhere, without you in their life. I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm posting it as bit of a rant/ bad example. If I had stopped hanging onto hope, I would be so much further along in the healing process than I currently am. Don't make the mistake I did. Day 31? Hon, that's barely taking the wrapper off the whole experience. Please don't try to abolish or condemn hope, bc you won't like what you find down in that hole if you'd actually manage to crawl down there. Hope for him may be misguided in general, but you have to hang onto the larger concept of Hope. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 So here I am, at day 31, feeling nearly as ****ty as I did on day 1. Why? Still holding onto that hope, and reality has came crashing down on me. After spending 60% of my days unhealthily obsessing and reading/ rereading people's posts about men always coming back, regretting their decisions, etc., I have trained my brain to expect contact from my dumper at many of the highly talked about NC "milestones". Hope poisons your mind; when that one month milestone arrives, and you still have not heard from your ex like you expected to, all of the same initial break up questions come rushing back into your mind. Suddenly, it's like your being broken up with again. Hope hinders acceptance, and that's where I'm at right now. I punish myself at the gym every single day, I read, write, paint, game; I do 1,000,000,000 different things to get my mind off of it, and none of it has matters because I still can't stop punishing myself everyday by letting the lack of expected contact/ loss be indicative of my self-worth and the time I spent with him. I'm still analyzing every single word and action just like I did on day one, when the reality is this; when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter how ****ing amazing you are, because (with lots of thought or not) they're taking into account all of that amazingness and deciding that they would rather take their chances elsewhere, without you in their life. I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm posting it as bit of a rant/ bad example. If I had stopped hanging onto hope, I would be so much further along in the healing process than I currently am. Don't make the mistake I did. Im sorry you're going through this. I understand exactly how you feel. Was there anything wrong with him? the way he treated you or others? Or the way he behaved in the relationship? Have you tried to make a bullet point list of his faults? Try reviewing that instead of dwelling on why he doesn't want you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 It's hard for me to see his negatives, as things ended in the honeymoon phase, basically. Everything was going so well, it really was random. The thing is, seeing the negatives he did have, doesn't make me feel any better. I accepted them as they came. I was falling in love with this man, he said the feelings were the same. That he could feel himself falling, and that he was letting it happen. And then it ended. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Have you asked him "what happened?" Like, just that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I did, and I got a lot of bull**** reasons, like "I'm just not feelin' it, moving in is too big of a step, but I can't handle the distance". I think he's having a lot of problems in his life, and he pushed me away because of it. I don't buy that he lost interest, because people don't just lose interest in two days like that. It was such an impulsive breakup, after such an incredible visit where I met his family and everything. That's why I'm so sure I'll hear from him, because of how impulsive it was. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Are you sure there wasn't someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 See, I thought that at first, but there were no signs on social media or anything. He said there wasn't, and a week later, his best friend contacted me, not knowing we were broken up. I told him about the situation, and after he talked to my ex, he told me that it was "over for good" but that he didn't feel comfortable telling me why. I asked him if he would at least tell me if there was another girl, and he said "No, there's not. I know it doesn't seem like it, but he does really care. **** just changed". I think I was secretly dating an FBI agent or something. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Do you think he started playing for the other team?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Hahahahahahahahahahaha That's what everyone says, but I know the guys not gay. He was so sexually attracted to me it's not even funny. He couldn't last in bed no matter how hard he tried, couldn't even handle me playing footsies with him under the table. Do you think it's a possibility that he really did just lose interest? I mean it seems really far-fetched, but I guess anything could happen Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Honestly...I dont. Humans don't actually tend to "just lose interest". There's always a reason. His friend said there was something he just didn't feel comfortable saying what. THINK finalendeavor! What are you not remembering?! There has to have been a red flag. Anything strange at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I remember two days before, he told me that if he was acting weird, to ask why and work through it with him, because I was a little butthurt that he was being distant with me. He thought I was a lot angrier than I was and was upset because he's never had a girl to talk through things, so I assured him I really wasn't, and that even if I didn't think to ask what was wrong, that I always 100% still cared. He went to a wedding the next day, and then got really icy. So the next day, I overreacted a little bit, and that's when he tells me that all of that stuff I mentioned a few comments ago. I think it was all personal with him. His parents are in a failing marriage. His dad was telling him to run for the hills and avoid anything serious while in his twenties, and his mom was constantly asking if I was marriage material. Half of his friends are getting married, the other half are really living the bachelor life. The friend told me that all of his problems were personal and not with me, but that they were pretty small problems. All of his friends and family adored me, but at the end of the day, it didn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I really so think he'll come around at some point because of how close we were and how similar we are/ the things we've got in common, it just might not be for a really long time. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I think you're right. He's very young. His parents marriage failing will do a huge number on him. It sounds like it really isn't you...it's just all the little things. It's possible he saw something at the wedding that made him question the point of everything he was moving towards. That happens. Have you ever seen SITC the first movie? Where Miranda tells Big "you're crazy to get married!" And he gets major cold feet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 The hardest part is that I know the answer, but I don't want to accept it, because in my mind, it's not a justified reason to completely boot someone out of your life. That's why I think he'll be back, but I can't tell whether or not I really think that, or if I just think it because I miss him so damn much. And I hate not knowing if he misses me, even though it technically doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Sigh, it's hard wanting to know if they miss you. That's the worst. Any luck dating? Link to post Share on other sites
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