Author finalendeavor Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I haven't really tried. No one really catches my eye, and I might be moving soon, so I don't want to get involved anyhow. Funny thing- I might move to the state that my ex lives in. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 So here I am, at day 31, feeling nearly as ****ty as I did on day 1. Why? Still holding onto that hope, and reality has came crashing down on me. After spending 60% of my days unhealthily obsessing and reading/ rereading people's posts about men always coming back, regretting their decisions, etc., I have trained my brain to expect contact from my dumper at many of the highly talked about NC "milestones". Hope poisons your mind; when that one month milestone arrives, and you still have not heard from your ex like you expected to, all of the same initial break up questions come rushing back into your mind. Suddenly, it's like your being broken up with again. Hope hinders acceptance, and that's where I'm at right now. I punish myself at the gym every single day, I read, write, paint, game; I do 1,000,000,000 different things to get my mind off of it, and none of it has matters because I still can't stop punishing myself everyday by letting the lack of expected contact/ loss be indicative of my self-worth and the time I spent with him. I'm still analyzing every single word and action just like I did on day one, when the reality is this; when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter how ****ing amazing you are, because (with lots of thought or not) they're taking into account all of that amazingness and deciding that they would rather take their chances elsewhere, without you in their life. I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm posting it as bit of a rant/ bad example. If I had stopped hanging onto hope, I would be so much further along in the healing process than I currently am. Don't make the mistake I did. Hey girl, I've been reading a lot of your posts and I can def relate to a LOT of it. Heck, I'm still going through it too. Beats me how people can just do a 180 and leave. With all of the guys I've dated, with the exception of maybe 1, they never reached out after it ended. Ever. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. But I hate to see you get your hopes up. The truth is, even if he DID reach out, then what? Can you in good conscience take him back knowing what he is capable of? This doesn't sound like a trusting person. To not even owe you an explanation at best? Life is pretty darn hard enough as it is, why keep someone around who makes it harder? Chances are, him leaving may have had nothing to do with you. In my eyes someone who can does this probably doesn't respect himself. But he did say moving in is too big of a step. Maybe there is some truth in that. Not to say he didnt "want" to move in with you but maybe the idea of it was actually better than the reality of it. I think sometimes men underestimate their capacity..........hang in there, I promise you things will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Hey girl, I've been reading a lot of your posts and I can def relate to a LOT of it. Heck, I'm still going through it too. Beats me how people can just do a 180 and leave. With all of the guys I've dated, with the exception of maybe 1, they never reached out after it ended. Ever. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. But I hate to see you get your hopes up. The truth is, even if he DID reach out, then what? Can you in good conscience take him back knowing what he is capable of? This doesn't sound like a trusting person. To not even owe you an explanation at best? Life is pretty darn hard enough as it is, why keep someone around who makes it harder? Chances are, him leaving may have had nothing to do with you. In my eyes someone who can does this probably doesn't respect himself. But he did say moving in is too big of a step. Maybe there is some truth in that. Not to say he didnt "want" to move in with you but maybe the idea of it was actually better than the reality of it. I think sometimes men underestimate their capacity..........hang in there, I promise you things will get better. My problem is that I'm far too forgiving. I can justify nearly any action, regardless of how awful it might be (like dumping someone over text...). I've had every single guy in my life come back at some point, so that's slightly comforting, but past trends unfortunately do not always predict future ones. He left everything very open ended last time we spoke (thankfully sparing me the "it's not you, it's me" and the "let's be friends?" speeches), so I'm having a hard time reaching that acceptance phase. I also have a hard time being angry at him, because the avoidant attitude he's got is also an attitude I've got. I've pulled much of the same bull**** he has, so I understand it more than I probably should. In a messed up way, that's part of why we connected so well. Sometimes I think we were almost too similar, almost scary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Update: almost five weeks. Need to write out the feels. Still miss him, but the memories are dwindling. Weirded out by the fact that his bestfriend that's engaged is still staying in contact with me, he won't let go. I'm proud of myself though. Outside of that first week, I haven't looked at any of his social media sites. Upset that I haven't heard a peep from him, but I realize today that's OK, because he doesn't owe me a damn thing, and I need to stop seeking validation in the form of attention. Thank you all for the support and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Just like the title. Is this a normal part of the healing process? I've gone through plenty of breakups before, but I've never felt like this, ever. Like I somehow knew it was not over. Am I just being overly hopeful? Could it be because all of my exes have come back in the past, and I just want this one particularly bad? Link to post Share on other sites
loveforever101 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 How long has it been since the BU and how long were you two in a relationship? I also feel that my ex may come back but it may just be part of the healing process as you said. Its not healthy to hope or assume someone will come back though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Only five to six months and we've been broken up for about five weeks, NC the entire time. I just have such a strong feeling on this one, I've never felt the same about anyone else. Normally when I get dumped, or I dump, I hurt for awhile but I still know that deep down, it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I think it's not a good sign that he hasn't contacted you in over a month. While I think it's possible he may contact you in the near future or even down the line, I would try to negate that intuitive sense in this case. I felt the same way as you... never before was I so sure I'd hear back from someone... and it didn't happen (7+ months nc here). For me, I think the universe is trying to show me who is boss and to recognize that things don't always turn out as you'd expect. For instance, I never thought I'd still be moping/sad 6-7 months after the fact. That, along with absolutely zero reaching out on his end, came as a surprise. It's interesting because some people on here are so sure that they will never hear from their ex, and they do. For me, I'm realizing that maybe I just got it wrong, like those who are so certain they'll never hear, but do. The world works in mysterious ways, but I'm telling you what I wish I knew 7+ months ago. I'm not saying your ex won't reach out, but I think it's best not to put too much weight into the sense that he will, because if it doesn't happen, then you have to not only deal with the initial loss, but the added disappointment of not being able to trust your own intuition. When you rely heavily on intuition, it's hard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nascarfan Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Even though it's tough, I'd say to move on from him. You deserve better than to be waiting for someone that may or may not return. You could be out giving your all to meeting the guy you were really meant to be with, instead of being held back by this guy that doesn't care enough to contact you. I also was dumped very unexpectedly, but I can say that I wouldn't have made it 9 months no contact (and counting) if I had been holding on to hope that my ex was going to come back. I always remember thinking that if she cared enough, she would come back, but I wasn't going to wait for someone that didn't want to be with me. I know there's a girl out there that won't leave me for someone else and will treat me right. I refuse to settle for second best, and you shouldn't either. I know that you have feelings for him, and those feelings may never go away, but that's okay. You don't have to not have feelings for someone to get over them. In time, another guy will come along that you'll develop feelings for. You may not see it now, but it really is true. I can honestly tell you that I've come out of these 9 months as a better person. I've learned so much about myself, and where I need to improve. I've learned so many important things that made the lowest points in my life well worth it. You'll come out of this a better person also, and by doing this, you'll be getting closer and closer to the guy that is really going to knock your socks off =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 It wasn't immature, was it? Is this anxiety normal? I'm afraid I did the wrong thing Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 No it's normal. He is your ex and you should unfriend him, have no contact with him, and get over him. Many people do this after a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 I'm so afraid I'll lose him forever, but I know this is irrational 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You should unfriend him for your sake, not as some ploy to get him back. If that was your motivation. You need to start the healing process, focus on finalendeavor and stop obsessing over your ex. He's your ex for a reason. I wouldn't worry about losing him forever because you unfriended him on fb. He has other ways of contacting you if he wants to reach out. At least you empowered yourself that you can move on on your terms, not on his. Link to post Share on other sites
Dudearino Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Its facebook...Think back hell 10 years ago. Probably didnt have a facebook or myspace ot xanga or really anything. I wouldn't stress about it. Look at it this way you took a step to do that, and whats it really deep down going to hurt? NOTHING. If he wants to talk he will find a way. Enjoy yourself. Good things will come to those who have their head on straight. Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 It's the most mature thing you can do. Think about it. He ended the relationship. That's level 100 disregard of your feelings. Facebook ranks in at about a 1. Imagine that his picture pops up with another girl. It's hard but try to keep perspective. You can get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You've already lost him so what does FB or unfriending him have to do with anything? Why would that act cause you anxiety? You shouldn't just un-friend him, you should BLOCK him on FB and remove or block any of his friends from seeing what you're up to, if you're active on FB. When my last ex and I broke up, it was a race to see who could un-friend and block the other faster! I had no aspirations to see anything about her once we ended. I removed all her family and the few co-friends we shared. My business was none of hers and vs. versa. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
changeofseasons Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 ^ Yes. I 100% agree. Blocking is a good idea, because then they are completely out of sight. If you just unfriend you might be digging through your account one day and see a like or a comment and it could possibly be a trigger. When i blocked my ex it really helped the anxiety die down, and it made me feel in control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 Having a relapse. This is the weekend I was supposed to move in with him. I'm struggling so badly with all of this, because I feel like it all ended so suddenly and with hardly any explanation. I literally haven't even gotten so much as a smoke signal since the breakup either, six weeks ago. How have you coped in the past to get over really tough events like this? I know that all of the things he's done imply that he doesn't care and that I probably shouldn't either, but I'm still in so much pain. I can't stop thinking about all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
OneForTheRoad Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Only thing I can say is that I can relate, I was feeling pretty good for a week, but today she picked up the rest of her stuff and I feel almost like how I felt day 1. So super relapse. I didn't even meet her, just a few texts about the stuff she was picking up. I'm thinking it's because now that her stuff is out and she doesn't have the key anymore, it's finally hitting me that this is actually done and there's no going back. As for coping, just recently I wrote letters to people who were taken from me. I find it easier to think about them when my thoughts default to what I wrote instead of wondering around. This was something recommended by my mental health professional I've been seeing. I haven't written to my ex yet, but I think I'll bring myself to do it in the coming days. Not gonna send it though. Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyJones89 Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago today. I'm not going to lie, it's been a crappy 3 weeks and the first 2 I really was struggling! Ive been no contact since and that really got to me. Did she care? Did she have someone else waiting? But i have set my mind to other things, like my job, friends, sports and the gym! This last week I have realised that I don't need anybody that doesn't need me! Everytime I get upset or miss her I just keep saying that over and over until the feeling passes! Im not fully over her and I probably won't be for a while but I'm on my way! Sometimes things just fall apart so something else can fall together! Link to post Share on other sites
HowMightI-live Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I stopped counting awhile ago but i think im somewhere around 10-11 months in. I can honestly say i haven't had a single LOW day (as far as the BU) in the last 2-3 months. I dont think im completely over her yet but i've reached a point of realising that im no longer interested in reconciliation. I've experienced days where she doesn't even enter my thoughts. Ive also noticed that in the last month or two i've completely stopped reliving moments of us in my head. When i do.think about her, because im not.going to lie i.do; i wonder if she's happy and i hope that she is. I honestly spend more time picturing myself happy with someone else then i do thinking about her. Which is big because i.couldn't imagine myself with anyone other then her just some months ago. I experience good days where im happy and can laugh and smile. More then anything else.though, im beginning to finally feel normal again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finalendeavor Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Have you ever felt an ex was out of your league, the best you could do? How did you get over this? Link to post Share on other sites
Mizz Layta Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 No, I never felt any ex was out of your league. Leagues don`t exist in love its not how you or others think its not how you look its how they feel for you . I never thought I am not good enough for someone Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It sounds to me that you maybe sensing someone who may treat you well or poorly ... contingent on where you are in your life journey. ? I dated guys who thought they were superior and dated guys who placed the persons at ease. Had zero to do with leagues so much as how they valued a person no matter the environment. What are you struggling with? How did this person treat you and vice versa? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneForTheRoad Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 The league is only in your mind. My ex got into a whole new level being smothered by me, so her pedestal was so high that she thought I wasn't worthy anymore. She felt she was above my league and I believed it for a while. Meanwhile I have a friend who treats his gf like dirt, so the gf thinks she's the lowest of the low, even though she looks very nice and has everything going mostly great in her life. Balance you must find. Link to post Share on other sites
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