The Waiting Game.

[Gener]

Hi, first time posting here. I apologize about the length.

 

My Ex of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I kept no contact with her since then as I thought there was no way to get her back. The break caused me to really see the folly of my ways big time. It's crazy, I can't believe I was so blind. I came to the conclusion it truly was all my fault and she really wasn't to blame at all.

 

I love her very much, we are super close, she's my best friend so losing both my girlfriend and my best friend has been devastating. I've been having a rough time coping with the loss. I was conflicted about breaking NC, but with the pain I'm in, it couldn't get any worse.

 

Last Friday night, under the weight of it all, I broke down and called her. At this point, it was a last ditch effort and 'No Contact' was doing squat for me anyway. She didn't answer my first call but picked up on the second. From there I let it all out. We talked for a long time. It was good for me as I learned the real cause for the breakup. I had my suspicions, but this confirmed it.

 

She let me have it, told me I was pathetic, that she's lost all trust in me, pretty much shot me down. I admitted to her that I messed up royally, I didn't realize how I've been behaving for so long. I explained that I wanted to fix this, that I loved her far too much to just let it end like this without a fight. She said it was good to hear my voice. I asked for another chance and stated I was going to change. She wasn't optimistic about that, she said people don't change.

 

She didn't shoot it down completely, she asked me what I was going to do to change and how I'd react to possible 'what ifs' that caused problems before. Before too long she got emotional and didn't want to talk anymore, I told her I loved her, she said 'I know you do', and the call ended. We had talked for about 2 hours and It really made me feel better to get all the guilt, shame and questions I had out of my system.

 

She sent me a text the next day; "Thinking about what you said, Will get back to you in a week. I need time, ok?".

 

The next day I sent her a cut and dry e-mail, expressing my commitment to her and that I wasn't giving in without a fight. I acknowledge my failures and that I wanted to resolve my character flaws that lead to this disaster. I clarified how I'd do whatever it takes to rectify the damage I caused and make amends to her. I told her how sorry I was for hurting her, how grateful I am that she's always had my back and that she didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. I know it might have been a little overkill, but I sent that email because so much was said during the phone call. I felt certain points needed to be addressed and reiterated in a straightforward manner.

 

I got another text from her a few hours later, it said; "I got your email and will call in a week, Just wanted you to know I got it.".

 

Okay, so that's the situation as it stands. Of course, I didn't go into detail about 'what' was said in the phone call or email I wrote, this post would be crazy long. I ask you, the community here, am I being foolish trying to get her back? I know she loves me, she's just super pissed off and doesn't know if she can trust me again. Am I setting myself up for failure? What if she calls me and says "I love you, but I just don't think I this is going to work out."? Do I admit defeat or do I try to reason with her? I believe this relationship could be salvaged. I have to try.

[hopeliveshere]

I think you should give her time to think about it. I think you did good by acknowledging your mistakes and opening the line of communication. It might be hard for her to believe that you are going to really change. If she decides to give you another chance, try to take things slow. Start from scratch and slowly build her trust. In the end, actions speak louder than words so make sure you treat her right. If you are not wiling to do that, let her go

[Dylanice]

I say all this because I too have been guilty of this.

 

Do you not think you might be coming across too intense? Her head is clearly all over the place and if you push too hard she will run.

 

Also consider that there was something clearly good about you to stay with her for so long. It cant all have been that bad. Perhaps she is right and we only adapt not change.

 

Seeing the error of your ways is positive but you have to show her without telling her you will show her or it all comes across as an act.

 

Best of luck my friend

[ravfour4]

I think all break-ups occur due to some incompatibility, sometimes that incompatibility is permanent and other times it's something a person can change. The latter only works if the person changing sincerely wants that change for themselves, if you solely change for someone else, you will very likely revert back.

 

I've had a somewhat similar experience with my ex of close to 4 years. I started out great and after a while got complacent, smoked a lot of weed and was a bit controlling. She was also complacent and didn't act very caring after a few years, I think both of our negative traits fed off of one another and neither one of us hopped out of the rut to fix things. I knew I didn't like what I had become, but due to work and family stressors I was having trouble changing my ways. After the break up, I realized what happened and have made purposeful changes (quit smoking, started working out, reading some books on codependency) and truly feel like my old self again. The one she fell in love with.

 

She acknowledges this, but has this attitude that "it didn't work the first time, so I'm very scared it won't work again" - which is understandable. It seems like your ex is thinking similarly. I'd give her time and space to think. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. If she comes around, you're going to have to consistently show her you've changed until trust is rebuilt. I wouldn't contact her again until she contacts you. If you slip up a few times it may trigger her fear and have her running for the hills. Good luck!

[Gener]

Do you not think you might be coming across too intense? Her head is clearly all over the place and if you push too hard she will run.

Yes, I probably did come off too strong, but I had no idea she was even open to a conversation with me. I just got emotional because I really don't want to lose her and it all came flooding in like a tsunami. I wish I played it cool though. I will chill out from now on.

 

Seeing the error of your ways is positive but you have to show her without telling her you will show her or it all comes across as an act.

I understand actions speak louder than words. I'm willing to do the footwork and I will. I just need her to tell me she's open to giving 'us' another chance. I told her during the phone call that 'actions speak louder than words' and that all my "sorries" meant Jack. She agreed. At one point in the conversation, she asked what I was willing to change. I answered her and the second thing I said hit a nerve. She was surprised I said that and brought up the fact her father was the same way and resented him for it.

[Gener]

The latter only works if the person changing sincerely wants that change for themselves, if you solely change for someone else, you will very likely revert back.

Honestly, this breakup was a shock to the system. I can look at myself objectively now and I don't like what I see. I feel that I'm at a precipice of a major life change. I don't want to change just for her. I 'need' to change for me. I'm ashamed how I let myself down. I want to be the guy I was when we first met.

 

It seems like your ex is thinking similarly. I'd give her time and space to think. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. If she comes around, you're going to have to consistently show her you've changed until trust is rebuilt. I wouldn't contact her again until she contacts you. If you slip up a few times it may trigger her fear and have her running for the hills. Good luck!

Thank you. Your situation really does echo mine. I guess sometimes we get too comfortable and don't realize we're slowly losing hold of everything around us.

 

I will definitely give her as much time as she needs. I know I have a lot of work to prove myself to her and build the trust back up. It's something that's needed to happen for a long time anyway. I need to step up or shut up. I'm trying hard not build my hopes up, it's tough and I am scared. I promise not to call her again. The ball is in her court now. But I'm glad I made contact, it's just something I felt really strong about.

 

Great advice. I needed it, thank you.

[OldRover]

Yes, take your time. And, yes, you came on a bit strong.

 

I went thru similar breakup, my goal was to get her to just meet with me. I made changes that showed I was different, and made more changes after we met and showed her I had changed and met her expectations. After a few more lunches/dinners, we got back together. It was wonderful but doomed for failure later on, as she did not change the reason I originally left her. So, I left again, permanently. Hurt a lot, but much better off.

 

Hopes yours works out better. There's lots of good info out there on getting an ex back.... study up on it. She will need a reason to come back, and she will have to care about you.

 

I'm betting you'll be successful.

[Gener]

Thanks for the advice. I know I lost my cool, I see that now. I was just nervous as hell. I'm not keeping my hopes up right now, I just wish I knew which side she is leaning towards. It's a deciding factor what I do with my life.

 

We broke up before, a few years ago and she hooked up with some dude and had sex with him on the second date only a few weeks after the BU. So, I'm just worried she's out there trying to hook up like last time. That's why I didn't wait a full month and also why I sorta came on strong. If I found out she's already been banging some dude, I'm done with her. I have standards.

[CalvinM]

The next breakup you have, you'll be better prepared. I never lost my cool with my ex. I never called her names, or begged her to take me back.

 

I told her "I understand, and I appreciate your honesty." That was just over a month ago, and I'm closer than ever to reconciling with her.

[quattrob]

Yes, I probably did come off too strong, but I had no idea she was even open to a conversation with me. I just got emotional because I really don't want to lose her and it all came flooding in like a tsunami. I wish I played it cool though. I will chill out from now on.

 

 

I understand actions speak louder than words. I'm willing to do the footwork and I will. I just need her to tell me she's open to giving 'us' another chance. I told her during the phone call that 'actions speak louder than words' and that all my "sorries" meant Jack. She agreed. At one point in the conversation, she asked what I was willing to change. I answered her and the second thing I said hit a nerve. She was surprised I said that and brought up the fact her father was the same way and resented him for it.

 

 

 

You should improve/change yourself even if she didn't open to giving you another chance. You shouldn't wait for someone to give you the "go" before you decide you want to change something or improve something. You should do it regardless because you really want to not only for someone else but mainly for YOURSELF. You definitely sounded desperate and came on way too strong, it was like you were begging. Do not confuse sincerity with what you did, you may have been sincere but to her she only thinks of it as you being desperate with no confidence. From now on you should show with your actions and this will take time, you need patience and if she doesn't give you a treat then do not ask for it. Just keep improving and showing. If you ask for treats she will only think that you're only doing this to get what you want so in a way trick her to giving you another chance.

[Gener]

You definitely sounded desperate and came on way too strong, it was like you were begging.

Great, now I feel like I messed it all up. Oh well. I told her my words meant nothing, that my actions would prove how serious I am to make things right.

 

I want to make changes for myself. I am working on that right now.

 

I do know about 'Living Amends' and it's something I committed too. I never want to see myself repeat the same destructive behaviors that brought me to this place.

 

I want to show change by my actions, but it becomes difficult when she lives in another state. That's why I want to know what she's thinking so I can begin to make plans to move back out there.

[xpaperxcutx]

Don't change for her. Change for yourself.

 

And don't wait for her. You have to come to a point of acceptance that it's not working and that you have to work hard to be better for the next person that comes around. Honestly, I see alot of times where exes actually do come back when you're in a happier place in life.

[Gener]

Don't change for her. Change for yourself.

 

And don't wait for her. You have to come to a point of acceptance that it's not working and that you have to work hard to be better for the next person that comes around. Honestly, I see alot of times where exes actually do come back when you're in a happier place in life.

Weird I came to that conclusions myself the other day after I found out she's been desperately looking for an easy hookup.

 

You're right. I decided I don't want her now. She's hooked up with the guy She met and had a slept with 2 years ago on OKcupid the first time we split up. She F'd this guy on the first date.

 

She told me she might need months to see if she wants to give me another chance. I can't sit around hoping we'll get back together while she sows her wilds oats with strange random men she meets online. I don't want to be her backup plan. No way, I've got self-respect. Screw her. She's F'ing nasty. She just wants to get laid. Here I am losing my grip over this slut? Gross.

 

I've made plans to Move 1700 miles to a new state. My best friend lives there and it's bringing light into my dimly lit future.