Best way to handle still angry BS?

[daisygirl19]

After reading your posts what I am seeing is that you destroyed a marriage and now you want his xw to shut up and get over it. All I can say is wait until your turn comes around and he does this to you, maybe then you will have some empathy for her.

 

Not at all. You are completely misinterpreting. WE destroyed a marriage. *I* was part of that destruction yes, but don't paint me at the only responsible party.

 

It is my empathy for her that drove my original question.

[daisygirl19]

daisygirl19 I'm not sure as a BS I would be much better if I were in a situation like your SO's BS. If I were her I would probably not attend the events you would be at just so as not to trigger. I'm sure every time she sees you she is triggered and sets her up for more pain. Is she in therapy? She really needs to be in therapy to learn how to detach from the situation. I'm sure once she starts moving on with her life and dating again you won't have the same kind of effect that you have on her now.

 

I don't disagree with you here. She is in therapy, and I hope that in time she will heal as best she can.

[daisygirl19]

Agreed. My advice would be to buckle in and suck it up. You made your bed and, as you said, time travel is not an option. You are reaping what you've sown. Frankly, if the kids are doing well (and not cursing your very existence anytime they are in your presence), then you've gotten off easier than you think.

 

That is exactly what I am doing. I was simply asking if there is anything more I can do.

[Artie Lang]

all you can really do is try to avoid the situation as best as you can. maybe it's too early to show up with him when she's gonna be around. i realize you can't keep avoiding her like this forever, but in the meantime while it's all so new(raw) your best bet is not to put yourself in a position where you two will be in the same vicinity... at least for the time being.

[onemanband]

You have to realize this is what you signed up for. So whats the problem

[Lurkeraspect]

That is exactly what I am doing. I was simply asking if there is anything more I can do.

 

Maybe some empathy might help. Put yourself in this woman's shoes; you and her husband successfully blew up her world, split her family, and because of their kids she is now forced to see you on a regular basis. How would you feel if you were her? What could she possibly say to you to make you feel better? I'll give you a clue. Nothing.

 

As others have said, you've made your bed and now you're going to have to lie in it. There is no magic pill. She's never going to like you, she's never going to forgive you. You will always been seen (by her) as the homewrecker who destroyed her life. You are now living the consequences of your behavior.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

I understand her pain and anger, and I understand there is nothing I can really do about it. I also understand much of it is justified. But, is there a better way we can handle it to make it any easier for her? I stay out of her way. I do not engage with her. SO and I are never "together" in public if she is there. Nothing is thrown or rubbed in her face. I know it will take her time to get over it, if she ever does, but I just wonder if anyone has any insight or ideas on what we can do. Is this the way it's going to be forever, or does it start to subside at some point? The worst part is when it affects the kids or they witness it.

 

Without passing any judgement, there is nothing you can do to fix the situation.

 

I would continue to stay out of her way and let her WH deal with her. If she wants to continue to be angry, that is her choice and you trying to "fix that" will do nothing but make the situation worse.

 

I'm sure it will subdue at some point. But really it's an issue between her and her WH. You can be sympathetic to the WH, but you cannot and should not put your nose in there to try and fix anything.

[daisygirl19]

Maybe some empathy might help. Put yourself in this woman's shoes; you and her husband successfully blew up her world, split her family, and because of their kids she is now forced to see you on a regular basis. How would you feel if you were her? What could she possibly say to you to make you feel better? I'll give you a clue. Nothing.

 

As others have said, you've made your bed and now you're going to have to lie in it. There is no magic pill. She's never going to like you, she's never going to forgive you. You will always been seen (by her) as the homewrecker who destroyed her life. You are now living the consequences of your behavior.

 

Good luck.

 

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her? Clearly I feel as though I am. I try very hard to see things from her perspective. I am well aware of what I have done and how I contributed to her pain. I am immensely sorry for my part and am in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding that. I am not asking or expecting her to ever like me, tolerate me, or forgive me. I am asking if there is anything I can do AT THIS POINT and GOING FORWARD to make it in any way easier for her.

[Lurkeraspect]

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her? Clearly I feel as though I am. I try very hard to see things from her perspective. I am well aware of what I have done and how I contributed to her pain. I am immensely sorry for my part and am in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding that. I am not asking or expecting her to ever like me, tolerate me, or forgive me. I am asking if there is anything I can do AT THIS POINT and GOING FORWARD to make it in any way easier for her.

 

But don't you see...saying you NOW feel empathy for her sounds a tad hollow. Where was your empathy when you allowed yourself to become involved with her husband and begin the affair? That's likely how she sees it.

 

As the poster said above; there is absolutely nothing you can do. Just stay away from her and let her (x?) husband deal with her.

[Sub]

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her? Clearly I feel as though I am. I try very hard to see things from her perspective. I am well aware of what I have done and how I contributed to her pain. I am immensely sorry for my part and am in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding that. I am not asking or expecting her to ever like me, tolerate me, or forgive me. I am asking if there is anything I can do AT THIS POINT and GOING FORWARD to make it in any way easier for her.

 

I'll say that I do get that you're being empathetic, or at least understanding. There seem to be moments of peace, which is good for all involved. Unfortunately it's not something that she can control. She didn't choose this. It's a real mindf*ck. So you're going to get times of civility followed by times of hostility. It's really up to your SO. I think her biggest issues are with him, and maybe she's not seeing the same sort of understanding from him that she's getting from you. You seem contrite. Based on the limited info, he seems less so. I could be wrong, though.

 

I may have missed it, but are they officially divorced?

[daisygirl19]

But don't you see...saying you NOW feel empathy for her sounds a tad hollow. Where was your empathy when you allowed yourself to become involved with her husband and begin the affair? That's likely how she sees it.

 

As the poster said above; there is absolutely nothing you can do. Just stay away from her and let her (x?) husband deal with her.

 

I understand that is how she sees it. I feel very badly about that.

 

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

[RightThere]

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her? Clearly I feel as though I am.

 

You need to understand you're asking a bunch of betrayed spouses why this other betrayed spouse is still being angry.

 

It's a bit like stabbing someone in the gut, then trying to give them medical attention so they don't bleed to death.

 

I believe that you are empathetic. I think the problem is you want the credit for being empathetic too. That kind of like saying "I totally know how you feel.......soooooo.......when are you going to get over it?"

 

Just leave the situation alone and support the WH. There is literally nothing you can do to help the BS.

[minimariah]

It's really up to your SO. I think her biggest issues are with him, and maybe she's not seeing the same sort of understanding from him that she's getting from you.

 

this.

 

even if she says she completely blames you OP - her problem is with the xH, his abandonment and dismissal of her and her feelings.

[jwi71]

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her?

 

Because you aren't "getting it".

You have, and in fact is the purpose of this thread, repeatedly asked what you can do to make it better for the BS. The answer is nothing. You can do nothing to improve the BS. You had an A, you haven "stolen" her H and her family, caused immense pain and suffering and then created more lies to appear legitimate to others (hiding the A I mean). There is NO way to say "sorry" and ride off into the sunset with her H and kids after executing such Machiavellian plans.

 

IMO, you are best served keeping a low profile. Stay away from the BS. Actively avoid her until she begins to show signs of healing. That may take years. It may never come. You have zero input, influence, control or "anything" in those regards. That's just the way it is.

 

I try very hard to see things from her perspective. I am well aware of what I have done and how I contributed to her pain. I am immensely sorry for my part and am in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding that. I am not asking or expecting her to ever like me, tolerate me, or forgive me. I am asking if there is anything I can do AT THIS POINT and GOING FORWARD to make it in any way easier for her.

 

The above is how its hard to believe you "get it".

Its like Brutus asking Caesar how he can help as he plunges the dagger. And every interaction that involves you, to the BS (for now), is plunging the dagger yet again.

 

You can either continue to try and give her space and see if she can't pull herself around or you go on the legal offensive and begin with TRO's and harassment charges. Pitfall's either way.

 

As I said above, I would continue giving space and lying reasonably low. If that fails, then try for some written dialogue on how interactions will be, if that fails then go the legal route and if that fails...your time with your SO/H may need to be reevaluated.

[Sub]

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision?

 

I'd be careful about that. A ONS is "one bad decision". An A is a calculated series of them.

 

I think your mindset is right. Focus on what's ahead, making better choices moving forward. Not much else you can do. You just can't connect the BW's pain and how she deals with it here to how you are perceived or how long you have to deal with it. She may be (rightfully) in pain for a very long time. Do you want it to be easier for her to alleviate HER pain, or to alleviate your own?

[daisygirl19]

I'll say that I do get that you're being empathetic, or at least understanding. There seem to be moments of peace, which is good for all involved. Unfortunately it's not something that she can control. She didn't choose this. It's a real mindf*ck. So you're going to get times of civility followed by times of hostility. It's really up to your SO. I think her biggest issues are with him, and maybe she's not seeing the same sort of understanding from him that she's getting from you. You seem contrite. Based on the limited info, he seems less so. I could be wrong, though.

 

I may have missed it, but are they officially divorced?

 

Yes, there are moments of peace. I am very grateful for that. And for the most part, the kids are kept out of it, which is the most important thing. He is very contrite. Extremely accommodating. He has gone above and beyond and agreed to some pretty ridiculous demands, in an attempt to keep peace.

 

In her mind, from her own lips, I am more to blame than he is. Her belief is that he is a man, and men cannot control themselves when presented with options. I presented an option, so I am the one ultimately to blame. If I did not present an option, she would not be divorced. And no, I did not pursue him, I did not set out to "get him" or "steal him".

 

They are not yet officially divorced. She has so far refused to sign the paperwork to issue the official decree. The remaining issue is the house. Everything else has been resolved. They have been through arbitration and mediation, but still no agreement. He has offered to continue to pay the mortgage until his youngest graduates high school (she is currently 9). After that he wants the house sold or wants her to buy him out and have his name removed from the mortgage. She does not find this fair and wants the house for life and wants it paid for solely by him, regardless of whether she remarries or not. It will likely have to go before a judge since they cannot agree on the matter.

[Lurkeraspect]

I understand that is how she sees it. I feel very badly about that.

 

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

I'm not a BS, nor have I been an OW. I was however, married for almost 3 decades. If my husband had cheated and left me for another woman, I'd probably never have gotten over it, or ever looked favorably at the OW. Never.

 

It's not your job to now fix his BS. What she thinks or feels shouldn't now matter to you, when it clearly didn't matter before.

 

What I find odd, is the OW suddenly finding empathy towards the BS when the MM leaves her. Empathy where there was none when the affair was happening.

 

I think the only way you'll truly get her pain is if/when it happens to you.

[jwi71]

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

You don't have to convince LS of anything - nor should you concern yourself with the LS group think. So no need to get angry here.

 

You want to concern yourself with the BS. How can you ever change YOUR image in HER eyes?

 

You are, as I alluded to in my prior post, asking the person you betrayed to "accept you are truly a good person" - even though your actions prove otherwise to the BS. That's a tall order. Think about that a bit.

[GollumsNightmare]

"They are not yet divorced."

 

That just might be part of the problem. He is still her husband.

[minimariah]

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

the OWs can & usually do see the error in their ways.

 

i personally do believe you when you say you're remorseful and empathetic towards the BS -- but your remorse and empathy IS limited.

 

you're happy. you're with your man and you got your happy ending, to say it like that. from that happy place, it's no wonder that you want everyone else to be happy. I think the story would have been different if he had dumped you & chose to work on his marriage with her or just dumped you no matter what had happened with the marriage.

 

just like someone said - it's like shooting a person & then driving that person to the ER wanting to help.

 

nothing you can do to present yourself as a good person in the eyes of the BS and she won't ever see you like that. the truth is that you did what you did in order to be happy -- even though it had resulted in her NOT being happy.

 

what you can is to create an... at least civil relationship with her. just stay out of her way and be polite and kind and that is it. when kids are old enough, you probably won't even have to communicate with her or be around her ever again.

[autumnnight]

OP, all you can do at this point is conduct yourself with as much empathy, kindness, and character from this point forward. For some people, the past becomes the present and the future, and there really isn't anything you can do about that. Do you own a time machine? Nope. So do what is most kind and right from now on, and she will either see that or she will not see it.

[Sub]

They are not yet officially divorced.

 

See, I think this is part of the rub. Even if she's being unrealistic or too demanding...it's kind of besides the point. She sees him starting anew without resolving all of these issues, aside from their personal relationship. Did you two ever discuss not being in a R while he handles all of these things? It seems like that's a somewhat common path for OW/MM couples. WS gets a D, the ink dries, and THEN explores an R with the AP.

[daisygirl19]

You need to understand you're asking a bunch of betrayed spouses why this other betrayed spouse is still being angry.

 

It's a bit like stabbing someone in the gut, then trying to give them medical attention so they don't bleed to death.

 

I believe that you are empathetic. I think the problem is you want the credit for being empathetic too. That kind of like saying "I totally know how you feel.......soooooo.......when are you going to get over it?"

 

Just leave the situation alone and support the WH. There is literally nothing you can do to help the BS.

 

Thank you for explaining. Yes, I asked in this forum because I thought it would be the best place to get honest answers from people who have been there. I appreciate all (well, most) of the responses, regardless of whether or not I agree with them.

 

I do not feel as though I am looking for credit for being empathetic. I can see how it is coming across that way, but I think that's mostly me trying to defend that here, on this thread. Not my actions outside of this forum.

[daisygirl19]

I'd be careful about that. A ONS is "one bad decision". An A is a calculated series of them.

 

I think your mindset is right. Focus on what's ahead, making better choices moving forward. Not much else you can do. You just can't connect the BW's pain and how she deals with it here to how you are perceived or how long you have to deal with it. She may be (rightfully) in pain for a very long time. Do you want it to be easier for her to alleviate HER pain, or to alleviate your own?

 

Very fair point, and a very fair question.

 

I can honestly say I want HER pain alleviated. I am in therapy to deal with my own. That's my responsibility. I guess I need to accept the fact that her pain is her responsibility to deal with as well.

[daisygirl19]

I'm not a BS, nor have I been an OW. I was however, married for almost 3 decades. If my husband had cheated and left me for another woman, I'd probably never have gotten over it, or ever looked favorably at the OW. Never.

 

It's not your job to now fix his BS. What she thinks or feels shouldn't now matter to you, when it clearly didn't matter before.

 

What I find odd, is the OW suddenly finding empathy towards the BS when the MM leaves her. Empathy where there was none when the affair was happening.

 

I think the only way you'll truly get her pain is if/when it happens to you.

 

It has happened to me. I have been the BS as well.