Best way to handle still angry BS?

[daisygirl19]

You don't have to convince LS of anything - nor should you concern yourself with the LS group think. So no need to get angry here.

 

You want to concern yourself with the BS. How can you ever change YOUR image in HER eyes?

 

You are, as I alluded to in my prior post, asking the person you betrayed to "accept you are truly a good person" - even though your actions prove otherwise to the BS. That's a tall order. Think about that a bit.

 

I'm truly not angry. I posted here fully expecting some harsh comments. I asked for it. I'm OK with it. I am honestly trying to not cause her MORE pain, and I don't want to unintentionally do anything more to hurt her. I get it, I've done enough of that. I never denied that.

 

It hadn't occurred to me that I may be looking for her not to hate me. I understand that she does. I would hate me too. I don't think that's a driving factor for me in this case, but it's certainly something for me to think about. Thank you.

[daisygirl19]

See, I think this is part of the rub. Even if she's being unrealistic or too demanding...it's kind of besides the point. She sees him starting anew without resolving all of these issues, aside from their personal relationship. Did you two ever discuss not being in a R while he handles all of these things? It seems like that's a somewhat common path for OW/MM couples. WS gets a D, the ink dries, and THEN explores an R with the AP.

 

I can sort of see your point. However, it's been over 2 years since they separated and there is only one remaining issue. Its' not as if there are relationship issues to be further resolve. They both agreed to move on and date other people. Her issue, she claims, is that he chose to date me.

[Furious]

I understand that is how she sees it. I feel very badly about that.

 

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

That's a straw man tactic. If your SO were posting I would have said the same thing to him that I said to you, but he's not and it's your thread and the responses you've gotten are to you.

 

No one has said "that no OW can ever see the error of their ways" and then you add a little jab with "or does that apply if we don't end up with MM". If that isn't enough you go into detail about how the ex wife is unreasonable, acting irrationally, and that's she's greedy about getting the house and how she's dragging out the divorce. You haven't missed an opportunity to paint her as a thorn on your side, and yet you insist you're empathetic.

 

By the way, your SO sounds like a whiner who reports to you about what she said or did like a big crybaby. This is a man who cheated with you for 4 years and has no problem staging that he and you only got together after filing for divorce so he looks like the good guy while complaining about his not yet ex wife.

[elaine567]

I can sort of see your point. However, it's been over 2 years since they separated and there is only one remaining issue. Its' not as if there are relationship issues to be further resolve. They both agreed to move on and date other people. Her issue, she claims, is that he chose to date me.

 

 

Of course YOU are the problem, he is the person she loves and wants to get back with.

She sees you in this way

"YOU are fly in the ointment.

She knows it was a PA, of course she knows, she just doesn't want the gory details. Her head is in the sand there.

 

Read this - Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | AFFAIRCARE

Edited July 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Sub]

Her issue, she claims, is that he chose to date me.

 

Well, yeah. You're not just "other people". She specifically asked him to keep away once you were D, and then you proved her suspicions correct and had an A with him. (If I have your story correct) Really, the only thing that would ease her pain is for you to leave him. I'll assume that's off the table, and assume the two of you never discussed breaking up and meeting again once you were both single.

[daisygirl19]

That's a straw man tactic. If your SO were posting I would have said the same thing to him that I said to you, but he's not and it's your thread and the responses you've gotten are to you.

 

No one has said "that no OW can ever see the error of their ways" and then you add a little jab with "or does that apply if we don't end up with MM". If that isn't enough you go into detail about how the ex wife is unreasonable, acting irrationally, and that's she's greedy about getting the house and how she's dragging out the divorce. You haven't missed an opportunity to paint her as a thorn on your side, and yet you insist you're empathetic.

 

By the way, your SO sounds like a whiner who reports to you about what she said or did like a big crybaby. This is a man who cheated with you for 4 years and has no problem staging that he and you only got together after filing for divorce so he looks like the good guy while complaining about his not yet ex wife.

 

Let me clarify, please. When I said that about no OW being able to ever seeing the error of their ways, I was referring specifically to the general consensus I am getting here. Not IRL.

 

It was not my intention to paint her as unreasonable, irrational or greedy. I was only citing examples. She has every right to react however she wants, and I may perceive it any way I wish. Still, I am no way judging her. I do not get involved in their issues on that front. If he wants to pay the mortgage for the rest of his life, fine by me. Not my call. That his decision to make. I never once called her greedy.

 

We never once denied that we were together before they separated. She has repeatedly asked both us not to tell her or anyone else if there was anything beyond an EA. Should she change her mind, I will answer whatever questions she has honestly.

Edited July 28, 2015 by daisygirl19

[daisygirl19]

Of course YOU are the problem, he is the person she loves and wants to get back with.

She sees you in this way

"YOU are fly in the ointment.

She knows it was a PA, of course she knows, she just doesn't want the gory details. Her head is in the sand there.

 

I can't disagree. That is certainly her perception.

Edited July 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T

[daisygirl19]

Well, yeah. You're not just "other people". She specifically asked him to keep away once you were D, and then you proved her suspicions correct and had an A with him. (If I have your story correct) Really, the only thing that would ease her pain is for you to leave him. I'll assume that's off the table, and assume the two of you never discussed breaking up and meeting again once you were both single.

 

You are correct. Yes, we discussed breaking up many times. We're choosing not to go that route. Yes, I am aware there are consequences to that. I firmly believe we would only be prolonging the same thing we're going through now. If we broke up now and got together a year from now, I doubt she'd feel much differently than she does today.

[Carm]

I realize I'm totally sidetracking this but just want to add one more thing as a BS. If you were also a BS as you say, what I don't understand is how on earth you can do that to another woman?!!

 

 

I remember the feeling all to well in finding out and I can tell you one thing for sure....I would NEVER do that to another woman. To add, this has been put to test in having MM approach me in my work environment.

 

 

Unreal....just remember this....if he does it with you, he'll do it to you.

[gettingstronger]

Time, time, time-

Continue to do what you feel is reasonable and let time take care of the rest- don't discuss it with the kids, not even to check in with how they feel about it- if they start the convo, that is different-

 

As a teacher, I have seen divorced couples work through it and I have seen some that many years later, it is a fresh as day one- what is hard to witness is kids in the middle- I had one step Mom put her arm around the step child and say, I am sorry you had to witness that, it must have been hard-it was a loving gesture, but the kid recoiled in a way that she might as well have said, your Mom is a bitch- it just seems kids want to deal with it on their own terms in their own way-

 

Good luck-

[underpants]

At some point you have to stand up for yourself.

 

I would get a book or 2 or research 'how to be related to someone with borderline personality disorder' or as some call it in these situations ptsd. I'm not discounting immediate trauma of a marriage dissolving and a partner moving on, but years later, threats to drag it out...not so much. She is hurting so she wants to make everyone else feel her pain. That is a bully.

 

I read your backstory. It was not 4 years. Seems more like an exit affair and those happen. If it was not with you it would have been someone else. If you are kind to her children and she has a fair settlement, then really she has to accept that and deal at some point. Or get crazier and prove to the world why he left her in the first place. That is reality.

 

Every month she can drag this out is another month of 'winning', another month of 'shared equity', another month of a mortgage payment...another month of reviewing financials...another month of 'still legally married'...another month of being a 'victim'...etc...

 

Objectively, I don't think he should even offer to pay mtg payments until the youngest graduates. What he should do is ask for half equity (sell or buy out) and put that before a judge and finalize this thing. Then, if he feels guilty he can offer her some extra (without being legally bound to do so), although I think that would breed more sense of entitlement and 'queen' thinking and further fuel that process, which really is not in her best interest to being an independent person.

 

Stand up for yourself.

[loveboid]

Stand up for yourself.

 

Yep. You need to keep your boundaries set and firm. She keeps breaking them and pushing them in. Keep them firm, make them stronger. Research how to do it.

 

Edit: I will tell you what I did to a couple of people. I wrote them each an email. One with no compliments and to the point because I wanted nothing to do with that person. I explicitly said among other things, "I want nothing to do with you." The other with compliments and niceties in case they changed their behavior enough for me to continue a relationship with them. I explicitly said what behavior had to stop, cut contact, and when they came back with that behavior stopped I resumed the relationship. So far no more bad behavior.

Edited July 28, 2015 by loveboid

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not feel as though I am looking for credit for being empathetic. I can see how it is coming across that way, but I think that's mostly me trying to defend that here, on this thread. Not my actions outside of this forum.

 

Perhaps it's easier if you look at it as a question of timing.

 

Were I the BS, I'd be asking 'why the empathy now'?

 

There was a time when your empathy and understanding for her situation, especially considering your statement that you too were once a BS, could have made a difference in her life. For your own reasons, you didn't chose to be governed or directed by that moral and ethical standard.

 

Should be easy to see why your presence is ill-received.

 

I realize I'm totally sidetracking this but just want to add one more thing as a BS. If you were also a BS as you say, what I don't understand is how on earth you can do that to another woman?!!

 

 

I remember the feeling all to well in finding out and I can tell you one thing for sure....I would NEVER do that to another woman. To add, this has been put to test in having MM approach me in my work environment.

 

Agreed. Having been through it, it's on my shortlist od things I'd never do to someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[daisygirl19]

I realize I'm totally sidetracking this but just want to add one more thing as a BS. If you were also a BS as you say, what I don't understand is how on earth you can do that to another woman?!!

 

 

I remember the feeling all to well in finding out and I can tell you one thing for sure....I would NEVER do that to another woman. To add, this has been put to test in having MM approach me in my work environment.

 

 

Unreal....just remember this....if he does it with you, he'll do it to you.

 

I thought the same thing. Never once imagined I'd be in this situation. Never once thought I was capable of inflicting that amount of pain on another. Hence, my therapy bills. I'm working on it. I own my decisions. I take accountability for them. My goal is to move on from here.

[daisygirl19]

At some point you have to stand up for yourself.

 

I would get a book or 2 or research 'how to be related to someone with borderline personality disorder' or as some call it in these situations ptsd. I'm not discounting immediate trauma of a marriage dissolving and a partner moving on, but years later, threats to drag it out...not so much. She is hurting so she wants to make everyone else feel her pain. That is a bully.

 

I read your backstory. It was not 4 years. Seems more like an exit affair and those happen. If it was not with you it would have been someone else. If you are kind to her children and she has a fair settlement, then really she has to accept that and deal at some point. Or get crazier and prove to the world why he left her in the first place. That is reality.

 

Every month she can drag this out is another month of 'winning', another month of 'shared equity', another month of a mortgage payment...another month of reviewing financials...another month of 'still legally married'...another month of being a 'victim'...etc...

 

Objectively, I don't think he should even offer to pay mtg payments until the youngest graduates. What he should do is ask for half equity (sell or buy out) and put that before a judge and finalize this thing. Then, if he feels guilty he can offer her some extra (without being legally bound to do so), although I think that would breed more sense of entitlement and 'queen' thinking and further fuel that process, which really is not in her best interest to being an independent person.

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

Thank you. In my heart of hearts, I agree with everything you said. This is my true perception of the situation. However, I don't discount that I caused her to behave this way.

[underpants]

Thank you. In my heart of hearts, I agree with everything you said. This is my true perception of the situation. However, I don't discount that I caused her to behave this way.

 

You didn't...Her perceived/denied reality did. That is not on you.

 

At this point you/and xh have to stop walking on eggshells.

[autumnnight]

At some point you have to stand up for yourself.

 

I would get a book or 2 or research 'how to be related to someone with borderline personality disorder' or as some call it in these situations ptsd. I'm not discounting immediate trauma of a marriage dissolving and a partner moving on, but years later, threats to drag it out...not so much. She is hurting so she wants to make everyone else feel her pain. That is a bully.

 

I read your backstory. It was not 4 years. Seems more like an exit affair and those happen. If it was not with you it would have been someone else. If you are kind to her children and she has a fair settlement, then really she has to accept that and deal at some point. Or get crazier and prove to the world why he left her in the first place. That is reality.

 

Every month she can drag this out is another month of 'winning', another month of 'shared equity', another month of a mortgage payment...another month of reviewing financials...another month of 'still legally married'...another month of being a 'victim'...etc...

 

Objectively, I don't think he should even offer to pay mtg payments until the youngest graduates. What he should do is ask for half equity (sell or buy out) and put that before a judge and finalize this thing. Then, if he feels guilty he can offer her some extra (without being legally bound to do so), although I think that would breed more sense of entitlement and 'queen' thinking and further fuel that process, which really is not in her best interest to being an independent person.

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

OP, please don't do some ridiculous armchair diagnosis of the BW. This helps no one.

[Sub]

You didn't...Her perceived/denied reality did. That is not on you.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking responsibility for one's actions, especially when they greatly affect other people. There are limits to it, yes. But to imply the BS is solely responsible for her pain because of how she perceived her M is silly. Being married to the MM in this case was real. The A was real. None of that was "perceived".

[AlwaysGrowing]

Having your children attend the same school adds another layer.

 

There are no easy answers.

 

What might have happened if you did decide to not chaperone the dance. You stated that you have chaperoned other dances, would it have been that much of a concession to give her one.

 

Is having you both there (at this time) healthy for either child?

 

It is not easy to blend families in the best circumstances. The affair, children attending same school, still being married...etc...adds greatly to "time" factor. Those very facts...are in the BW face.

 

Chances are you will be faced with these issues to some degree for the foreseeable future. It is what you co-signed for. It is what it is.

 

 

You will just have to decide which issues you want to fall on your sword for...and which ones you can make a compromise on. That falls on you...not the BW.

[MuddyFootprints]

Her behaviour and her actions are for her to handle. Your behaviour and how you respond, react, and interact with her and the kids are your responsibility.

 

Keep it civilized, keep it kind, and keep it respectful.

[road]

This is wild.

 

 

The OP buts into the BW's marriage and life. Then the OP complains that she now has to deal with the BW.

 

 

Talk about the need to grow up. OP you brought these consequences upon your own head. The best part is you are to selfish to see this. This is why you are calling yourself the victim.

[Sub]

In fairness, I don't think the OP is complaining about dealing with the BW. She's reiterated how she understands why the BW feels the way she does. I don't sense that she's of the "get over it and move on already" mindset.

[daisygirl19]

This is wild.

 

 

The OP buts into the BW's marriage and life. Then the OP complains that she now has to deal with the BW.

 

 

Talk about the need to grow up. OP you brought these consequences upon your own head. The best part is you are to selfish to see this. This is why you are calling yourself the victim.

 

I am not complaining about her, nor am I portraying myself as a victim. I'm sorry you're misinterpreting me.

[gettingstronger]

The only thing that bothers me on this thread is the lack of focus on the kids- too many people talking about defending your rights or talking about what you did wrong and not enough about those kids- stay focused on them and the rest will work itself out- lose sight of the kids and you will all regret it-

[truncated]

You could not be further from the truth...

 

So, I should have bailed on my obligation, which was set 9 months in advance to accommodate her sudden desire to chaperon at the last minute? Not fair to my kid, and THAT is first and foremost.

 

i hardly think that chaperoning a school dance is that important to him that he would be crushed if you explained gently to him why you feel it may be best to skip it this year. There must be some other activity that you could have done with your son, and I;m sure the school would have understood you not being able to chaperon.

 

It sounds more like you are thinking of yourself here. You don't feel like you should have to change anything else in your life to accommodate her. You have dug in your heels and aren't budging on things that my make this easier for her to accept the situation. That it hurting the kids every bit as much as she is.

 

Why should SHE have to give up chaperoning if she wants to, just because it would make things easier for you? Haven't you already taken enough from this woman? Maybe she wanted to see her daughter at the dance, just like you wanted to see your son.

 

It's very easy for you to sit up on your high horse and explain how you feel she should act, but unless you have been in her position, you have zero idea what she is going through.