Best way to handle still angry BS?

[Noirek]

Just so I'm following: daisy was privy to what went on in his M when it was "stagnant"....she's privy to what goes on between them as STBX's and co-parents as they try to finalize their D.....but the BW gets "it's none of your business".

 

Huh.

 

Hmm.

 

Apples to oranges. It isn't about how right or wrong their actions were... It is about now and how they need to act moving forward. And catering to her is not something that should be done. But in regards to the "none of her business" him saying so calmly is much different than screaming in front of children. Don't poke his one statement and let hers slide. If we switched this to her being the stvx ww and him the bh their would be applause. You bet it. But because we are labeling people we are offering a double standard.

 

As to dragging up him volunteerig her marital info. Still different then her demanding it. While i don't believe that was right either... I don't see the need to throw it in the ops post. It doesn't make his actions now any more of her business. And neither have I seen the OP defend that previous behaviour.

Edited July 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Furious]

it actually makes sense -- the MM's first priority was Daisy. not the BS. so it's natural that he shares everything with Daisy & goes forward with their relationship while putting a stop and mantaining distance in his marriage he is trying (& did) to leave.

 

i don't think it's a double standard at all because those two relationships aren't equal when it comes to their importance to the MM.

 

however, it's bad when the MM goes overboard with the complaining and oversharing about his STBX. it's okay to confide and to complain when you're having a hard time but something needs to be done because the BS isn't the OW's business.

 

I disagree, it's not one priority over another priority to assert #1 position in the eyes of MM, ( who seems like a whiner and gets Daisy worked up over his drama). It's obvious Daisy gets something from his negative nitty gritty complaining and get's something out of this. Maybe it reassures her in a way and makes her feel confident he won't go back to his wife since the divorce is not final.

[daisygirl19]

The divorce needs to be settled. You need to talk to your SO and explain that all he is doing is pulling the band aid of slowly. This is causing her to lash out and now it has escalated to in front of the kids. Not good, you guys are all the adults. And while you can't do anything, her stbxh can. He can get involved, see a lawyer, and make sure his kids are protected. Kind but firm because if he gives her an inch, she'll take a mile. I also see nothing wrong with him telling her it wasn't her business... Because it isn't anymore and she needs to learn that.

 

Keep up with what you are doing. Act as though you have NC with her and hope that her stbxh gets serious and gets this done. And as a final note, if any of her actions do (not saying they will) slide to the illegal, do not hesitate to take legal action. This all is a consequence of your actions but her actions also carry questions and rest solely on her own shoulders. Don't let guilt rule your life. There are people who will take advantage of that.

 

We have this conversation often. I do think he is pulling the band aid off slowly, and I think it causes her more pain. Still, it is his call to make. I can only provide my opinion when asked, but I will not intervene beyond that. He has seen a lawyer, they've been through arbitration and mediation, to no avail. One day she says she wants the divorce finalized quickly and she understands he's not being unreasonable, the next day she says she will drag it out as long as she legally can so we can never be together "without sin". I get it. No one can make her do anything she doesn't want to do. We created this situation. It was unfair to her and we reap what we sow.

 

I do think there is some validity to your comment on guilt. That's one of the reasons we are in therapy together. We are, in many ways, allowing our guilt to dictate how we handle the situation. It's a work in progress...

[daisygirl19]

There's a certain double-standard to this statement, though. MM should tell the BW his new R isn't any of her business. As someone else alluded to, maybe he should apply this standard to daisy in regards to what goes on between he and his STBXW.

 

I somewhat disagree. When it pertains directly to me, when she tells him to relay messages to me, it IS my business. He suggests she contact me directly with her messages, she refuses to do so. Any information passed to me through him from her are not acknowledged. I do not dig or ask for information between them. We are in a relationship, no different than any other relationship, aside from the way we started. Of course he vents to me, and I to him. These issues affect us, and sometimes our children. It's unrealistic to expect him not to talk to me about it.

[daisygirl19]

The practical reality is that as long as Daisy is the shoulder to cry on while he processes all the details of their interactions and is temporarily relieved about the sitch, he will not find a way to deal effectively with his W. Daisy his enabling his ineffectiveness in dealing with her.

 

 

As for telling his Wife its none of her business in front of the kids.......wrong. He could have said lots of other things......call me when the kids go to bed, I'll call you or he could have just said sorry I have to go.

 

I don't consider myself to be a shoulder to cry on. He makes his own decisions and I support them as best I can. He deals well with her, in my opinion, but ultimately none of us can change her behavior. Her excuse for her actions is always that she is "working through the process" and we need to "accept and help her through it". I'm not sure what to do with that.

 

He didn't tell her it was none of her business in front of the kids. She called him after he left, with the kids in her car, and told him that if he doesn't think it's her business to ask what he's doing, he needs to remind her of that. He has told her things are not her business on several occasions, but not in front of the kids.

[daisygirl19]

If the OP chooses to live with her SO, she will deal with his kids because they are young. When you are a step parent, you have to become a team with your partner unless you want the children running the house. It's not a step parent's job to parent the children, but everyone has to follow the rules of the home. You can't completely separate everything just because the kids aren't biologically yours. She will also have to deal with any influence that the mother has on them. If the relationship is bad between the biological parents, going to the kid's events can be uncomfortable.

 

The point I was trying to make to the OP is that the mother is always going to be in the picture in one form or another when it comes to the kids. A bond between mother and child is strong and in a lot of cases, unbreakable. It may sound harsh, but what do you expect when you CHOOSE to have a relationship that started out as an affair? The OP made her bed, she needs to lay in it. Suck it up and deal with it. You can't sleep with someone's spouse for years behind their back and then turn around and try to be sympathetic. It just doesn't work like that.

 

I don't disagree with you. I've never claimed to want her to "go away".

 

What do I expect? I expect her to leave the kids out of it. I expect her to stop threatening to "destroy" her kids and mine when she doesn't get her way. She's entitled to her anger. She's entitled to her hurt. I don't discount that, and I CAN and DO feel badly about it. But I am completely and totally against using the kids as a means to get her way.

[usernametaken]

There's nothing you can do, really. Limit your interactions with her, but carry on your life as normal.

 

What hasn't been addressed is her histrionics in front of the kids. Yes, she is hurt, and understandably so. But exposing the children to this sort of drama unnecessarily is unfair to them and is a slippery slope towards parental alienation. Your boyfriend should bring this up with his lawyer - disparaging comments about the other parent and their significant other should be stopped.

 

(Obviously, the affair wasn't good for them either, but you are where you are, and heaping additional wrongs on it won't fix anything...)

 

It's not your place to say so, but from my experience, I would recommend that the boyfriend limits his communications with his wife to texts or emails (minimal phone and in person contact) relating exclusively to 1) kids and 2) finances. He does not need to be friends with her - that is cruel and will give her false hope of a reconciliation, and will not make her heartbroken behavior diminish at all. She is grieving him; minimal contact is the only way to go.

 

Also not your place, but sometimes freedom isn't free. If I were your boyfriend, I would offer up whatever I could afford to get the divorce finalized. Going through that is a huge psychic burden for him AND for her. Closure will help them both.

 

As for you, I would continue to avoid her if possible. She's never going to like you, nor should she, and that's that.

[daisygirl19]

What I don't understand is why you couldn't wait until his divorce is finalized before you have an out in the open R? People need time to adapt to such a change. This is why you and your SO come across as cold. It's almost like you guys want to throw your happiness in the BW's face. Plus, children need time to adjust too before they meet daddy's new gf. Can't you and your SO see each other when he doesn't have his kids? You've obviously waited a long time to be with him, why not wait a little longer? I think more empathy should be shown to the children.

 

I cannot go back in time. We had every intention of keeping a low profile until the divorce was final. We certainly don't advertise our relationship, but we no longer hide it either. She pushed and pushed and demanded to know if he was dating. This went on for days with literally hundreds of texts and phone calls about it. At that point, he felt it best to be honest about us being together.

 

As for the kids, it's a tough situation for sure. It would be unusual for the kids NOT to see me or my kids. Our kids do not know we are dating. They are not privy to that information at this point. If they ask, we have decided to answer them honestly. Until then, we are leaving things as is and our relationships where the kids are concerned have remained unchanged so far.

[daisygirl19]

I disagree, it's not one priority over another priority to assert #1 position in the eyes of MM, ( who seems like a whiner and gets Daisy worked up over his drama). It's obvious Daisy gets something from his negative nitty gritty complaining and get's something out of this. Maybe it reassures her in a way and makes her feel confident he won't go back to his wife since the divorce is not final.

 

Not even close.

[Sub]

It's unrealistic to expect him not to talk to me about it.

 

No, I agree. I'm not saying he shouldn't talk to you about things. What I'm saying is how the "it's none of your business" comes off or is perceived by her. And how he can possibly handle it differently so as not to fan the flames. She knows the problems with their M were not kept between her and him. The two of you - together - made it your business. It's a very ghoulish thing in hind sight. I've been there. So she's seeking a balance in a way. It's a natural reaction, IMO. Not to say he has to share it all with her, or that any of it's even her business. But if your looking for a way to move forward, this guy's GOT to do better than "it's none of your business." If he's trying to figure out how to make this easier, he needs to be aware how that sounds to her. Because in her head, she's thinking,"Where was that discretion when we weren't doing well?"

[minimariah]

I disagree, it's not one priority over another priority to assert #1 position in the eyes of MM, ( who seems like a whiner and gets Daisy worked up over his drama). It's obvious Daisy gets something from his negative nitty gritty complaining and get's something out of this. Maybe it reassures her in a way and makes her feel confident he won't go back to his wife since the divorce is not final.

 

i don't think that's it.

 

when they were having an A, sharing about his M was normal. at one point, your AP partner will ask you about it, address that big elephant in the room & ask you for your future plans. as the APs move toward getting out of the marriage -- it's normal for MM (in this case) to share his get out plan & the BS reactions with the OW. and now that they are out, if he feels guilty & bothered -- it is normal for him to share that with his now partner.

 

Daisy is more important than the BS to him so it's natural that he will share details of that relationship with Daisy but keep quiet about Daisy in front of the BS. he feels protective of one relationship, is done with the other.

 

the thing is -- he isn't doing much but complaining. as in, nothing direct. he is dismissive towards his xW's feelings & annoyed by the entire situation.

 

as far as getting back to the W, just reading Daisy's post... she doesn't seem the least bit worried so i don't think she needs that reassurance. he has been out for 18 months, made the 1st move + isn't the one dragging out the divorce -- he ain't going back.

 

however -- i already said that i think his comments to the xW are rude and dismissive. and that's what's probably setting her off. he seems annoyed with her not being over it & probably rolles his eyes every time he has to deal with her -- i imagine it's like that.

Edited July 29, 2015 by minimariah

[Rorocher]

Oh People, with the woe is me victimhood here. So the BW's marriage unraveled, so she was cheated on blah blah blah. Welcome to life handing you lemons!, whatever happened to making lemonade?. Is this the hill she really wants to die on? Isn't life too short for this bulls*t?.

 

 

Her husband had an affair, I get it, it sucks but hey life happens, you pick yourself up and roll with it. I highly doubt that their marriage was filled with rainbows and unicorns before the devil OW inserted herself into it and "stole her man". Puhlease, no one person gets stolen if they didn't want to be in the first place. It's unfortunate that the marriage disintegrated due to an affair, but lets face it, that marriage wasn't going to make it anyway and if it wasn't the affair, it would have been something else.

 

 

People need to empower themselves and stop dwelling on misfortunes, as long as life is in you, you can always make a fresh start. If I were the BW, my #1 concern would be the welfare of my children and from what OW has told us, the children seem to be handling it ok. After that, I would fight for my fair share of our assets and move on. WH can have OW, good riddance!. Why waste precious energy, precious time of your life that you will never get back focusing on revenge and how to make other people miserable?

[daisygirl19]

There's nothing you can do, really. Limit your interactions with her, but carry on your life as normal.

 

What hasn't been addressed is her histrionics in front of the kids. Yes, she is hurt, and understandably so. But exposing the children to this sort of drama unnecessarily is unfair to them and is a slippery slope towards parental alienation. Your boyfriend should bring this up with his lawyer - disparaging comments about the other parent and their significant other should be stopped.

 

(Obviously, the affair wasn't good for them either, but you are where you are, and heaping additional wrongs on it won't fix anything...)

 

It's not your place to say so, but from my experience, I would recommend that the boyfriend limits his communications with his wife to texts or emails (minimal phone and in person contact) relating exclusively to 1) kids and 2) finances. He does not need to be friends with her - that is cruel and will give her false hope of a reconciliation, and will not make her heartbroken behavior diminish at all. She is grieving him; minimal contact is the only way to go.

 

Also not your place, but sometimes freedom isn't free. If I were your boyfriend, I would offer up whatever I could afford to get the divorce finalized. Going through that is a huge psychic burden for him AND for her. Closure will help them both.

 

As for you, I would continue to avoid her if possible. She's never going to like you, nor should she, and that's that.

 

Thanks for your reply. I really haven't gone there because my thread wasn't about the kids. He has brought it up in counseling, mediation and arbitration. When they first separated, she refused (literally standing at the door and physically blocking him from taking the kids out of the house, although he could spend as much time there as he liked with them). After counseling, etc., he now has them 50% of the time. She's dealing well with it, for the most part.

 

I think he has been MORE than fair in giving in where the divorce settlement is concerned. He has offered more than his lawyer, the arbitrator and mediator recommended and they have all told him he is offering entirely too much. She would never fare as well in court. I honestly don't think it's about the settlement. I think (and I could certainly be wrong) that the divorce is the one thing she does have control over where he is concerned, and she is simply not ready to let that go.

 

He does his best not to communicate with her unless it pertains to the kids or finances. He pays the mortgage and other bills directly now, so there is less for them to discuss on that front. Her financial situation has not changed at all since the separation. If anything, it has improved. Still, she does tend to go overboard (again, in my opinion only) with the constant checking up on him and barrage of phone calls and texts when he doesn't immediately give in to her demands, regardless of what they are. To be fair, I think he gave in to her demands throughout their marriage in an effort to keep peace with her, so I don't entirely fault her behavior here. He set that stage. If his no longer giving in to her causes her confusion, I don't blame her for that.

[daisygirl19]

No, I agree. I'm not saying he shouldn't talk to you about things. What I'm saying is how the "it's none of your business" comes off or is perceived by her. And how he can possibly handle it differently so as not to fan the flames. She knows the problems with their M were not kept between her and him. The two of you - together - made it your business. It's a very ghoulish thing in hind sight. I've been there. So she's seeking a balance in a way. It's a natural reaction, IMO. Not to say he has to share it all with her, or that any of it's even her business. But if your looking for a way to move forward, this guy's GOT to do better than "it's none of your business." If he's trying to figure out how to make this easier, he needs to be aware how that sounds to her. Because in her head, she's thinking,"Where was that discretion when we weren't doing well?"

 

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

[daisygirl19]

Oh People, with the woe is me victimhood here. So the BW's marriage unraveled, so she was cheated on blah blah blah. Welcome to life handing you lemons!, whatever happened to making lemonade?. Is this the hill she really wants to die on? Isn't life too short for this bulls*t?.

 

 

Her husband had an affair, I get it, it sucks but hey life happens, you pick yourself up and roll with it. I highly doubt that their marriage was filled with rainbows and unicorns before the devil OW inserted herself into it and "stole her man". Puhlease, no one person gets stolen if they didn't want to be in the first place. It's unfortunate that the marriage disintegrated due to an affair, but lets face it, that marriage wasn't going to make it anyway and if it wasn't the affair, it would have been something else.

 

People need to empower themselves and stop dwelling on misfortunes, as long as life is in you, you can always make a fresh start. If I were the BW, my #1 concern would be the welfare of my children and from what OW has told us, the children seem to be handling it ok. After that, I would fight for my fair share of our assets and move on. WH can have OW, good riddance!. Why waste precious energy, precious time of your life that you will never get back focusing on revenge and how to make other people miserable?

 

This is how I would (and did) handle, but BW and I are polar opposites. Still, I appreciate your candor.

[violet1]

I don't disagree with you. I've never claimed to want her to "go away".

 

What do I expect? I expect her to leave the kids out of it. I expect her to stop threatening to "destroy" her kids and mine when she doesn't get her way. She's entitled to her anger. She's entitled to her hurt. I don't discount that, and I CAN and DO feel badly about it. But I am completely and totally against using the kids as a means to get her way.

 

I agree children should not be used as pawns. Divorce is a life changing experience. Not everyone handles it well. She needs time to process it and to go through all the emotions. The divorce isn't final yet. Her behavior is natural considering the circumstances. Are you guys sure the kids don't know about your relationship? Kids can put two and two together pretty quick. Time is the key here. Unless she's threatening you or being violent, there's not a lot you can do. A lot of people don't handle betrayal and being left for another person well. I think you ahould tread very carefully. I would try to hide the R out of respect for her and the kids until the divorce is final. There's no reason to rush. Kids and exes can cause a huge straon on a relationship.

[daisygirl19]

I agree children should not be used as pawns. Divorce is a life changing experience. Not everyone handles it well. She needs time to process it and to go through all the emotions. The divorce isn't final yet. Her behavior is natural considering the circumstances. Are you guys sure the kids don't know about your relationship? Kids can put two and two together pretty quick. Time is the key here. Unless she's threatening you or being violent, there's not a lot you can do. A lot of people don't handle betrayal and being left for another person well. I think you ahould tread very carefully. I would try to hide the R out of respect for her and the kids until the divorce is final. There's no reason to rush. Kids and exes can cause a huge straon on a relationship.

 

Their kids actually assume their divorce is final. In their minds, it was final when he physically moved out. Neither parent has corrected them, to the best of my knowledge. We do not spend much time with his kids since I fear if they go back and tell her they spent time me, it will trigger her - and once again, that is NOT my intention. On the occasions we are together with his kids, she is always informed prior, for now.

[Sub]

Oh People, with the woe is me victimhood here. So the BW's marriage unraveled, so she was cheated on blah blah blah. Welcome to life handing you lemons!, whatever happened to making lemonade?. Is this the hill she really wants to die on? Isn't life too short for this bulls*t?.

 

 

Her husband had an affair, I get it, it sucks but hey life happens, you pick yourself up and roll with it. I highly doubt that their marriage was filled with rainbows and unicorns before the devil OW inserted herself into it and "stole her man". Puhlease, no one person gets stolen if they didn't want to be in the first place. It's unfortunate that the marriage disintegrated due to an affair, but lets face it, that marriage wasn't going to make it anyway and if it wasn't the affair, it would have been something else.

 

 

People need to empower themselves and stop dwelling on misfortunes, as long as life is in you, you can always make a fresh start. If I were the BW, my #1 concern would be the welfare of my children and from what OW has told us, the children seem to be handling it ok. After that, I would fight for my fair share of our assets and move on. WH can have OW, good riddance!. Why waste precious energy, precious time of your life that you will never get back focusing on revenge and how to make other people miserable?

 

I didn't realize it was this easy. I feel like such an idiot. All those human feelings that came over me when my wife was concerned she may have been pregnant by the OM. I should have just made lemonade and rolled with it!

[usernametaken]

You're right, Daisy, she probably is holding up the divorce simply to delay the inevitable. People like to be in control.

 

She will eventually get over it and move on with her life, or she will remain resolute that this has ruined her forever and turn an admittedly bad life event for her (the affair/divorce) into the reason that everything for her is awful, forever. That's no way to live a life.

 

To all of you throwing stones here: do you really think what the BW is doing here is healthy behavior? How constructive is it to say, "serves you right, Daisy"? Sure, the BW is justifiably hurt and angry, but ultimately she's only hurting herself. Cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

[SummerDreams]

But YOU cannot minimise the hurt, you ruined this woman's life, you took away her dreams, her kids are in a mess and need counselling, she is broken and you want to know how to handle her...

 

Ehm... I think that was her xhusband who did this to his xwife. After all he was the one who made the vows with her, who married her, promised her stuff, had kids with her etc. The OW was just there to fill a need of this man who chose to cheat on his wife and do everything you said. Did the OW have any responsibility on this? Of course. But way less than the WS.

[ladydesigner]

Ehm... I think that was her xhusband who did this to his xwife. After all he was the one who made the vows with her, who married her, promised her stuff, had kids with her etc. The OW was just there to fill a need of this man who chose to cheat on his wife and do everything you said. Did the OW have any responsibility on this? Of course. But way less than the WS.

 

No it is both. Both were aware of the circumstances. Both are responsible. Just because you are an OW doesn't mean you're off the hook.

[usernametaken]

Were you a responsible adult?

 

Was having an affair with the father of your kid's friends being a responsible adult?

 

Was being a faculty member and chaperone at both your children's school and having an affair with their dad being a responsible adult?

 

So what you're saying is that since Daisy was being irresponsible by having an affair, the BW should behave childishly now, forever and ever amen?

 

That's what we call a race to the bottom. It's also massively unfair to the children.

 

Mistakes were made. It's time to clean up.

[ladydesigner]

Um, YES. I absolutely do want her to handle the situation, and every other situation that she encounters in life, in a responsible adult way. It's called being a responsible adult. Are you implying that she can go out and do whatever whatever she wants, act however she wants, simply because she's a BS? My goodness...

 

Who is putting everything on her? I really don't know where that comment is coming from?

 

I love how people expect the BS to act like a responsible adult when the xH and the AP were acting completely irresponsible during the A. Why is a BS expected to keep taking it?

[Rorocher]

I didn't realize it was this easy. I feel like such an idiot. All those human feelings that came over me when my wife was concerned she may have been pregnant by the OM. I should have just made lemonade and rolled with it!

 

No one is saying that it is easy, you are human and yes it will hurt. But then what do you do with those "human feelings"? Forge a new life out of it or dwell and marinate till kingdom come?

 

 

I am not minimizing the pain of any BS, that IS real. The point is every one of us experience pain in different forms. The difference between winners and losers at the end of the day are those who fight to rise above it all and those who throw their arms up and let the pain define them.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I for once, have one very fickle life to live. No way am I giving other people the power to define that life for me.

[minimariah]

I love how people expect the BS to act like a responsible adult when the xH and the AP were acting completely irresponsible during the A. Why is a BS expected to keep taking it?

 

the BS acting mature & civil isn't "taking it" or letting "them" win.

 

it's acting mature & civil. just because others didn't act that way, doesn't mean that you can't. i personally expect EVERYONE to act mature, reasonable & civil. why would i expect any less from the BS? why would anyone?

 

i mean, if George down the street jumps from the too of the building... will you to? the BS doesn't need to follow the APs example. taking the high road is for THE BS to move on, not to give the APs a pass.