Best way to handle still angry BS?

[Noirek]

I love how people expect the BS to act like a responsible adult when the xH and the AP were acting completely irresponsible during the A. Why is a BS expected to keep taking it?

 

The stbxw should be letting go and moving on from her marriage being over, A or no A. And she most certainly should be keeping her tantrums out of her kid's sight. He moved out 18 months ago. For her own sake, she needs to focus on her own healing and her children and not on the OP or her stbxh. There is nothing good in hanging on to the past.

 

But, neither the OP or the H can force her to do anything. All they can do is refuse to cater to her fits and set up boundaries. If she is delusional about the end of her marriage or simply in denial. He needs to be careful in how he interacts with her. Just because she was wronged doesn't mean they have to bend to her wishes for the rest of their lives. That will only create a monster. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

 

Regarding dances, the OP could express that should the BS want to attend a future dance she will consider opting out provided it isn't a last minute thing. Otherwise, most thibgs fall in the xH's jurisdiction. i honestly don't think the OP can do anything to make it easier for the BS. But clear boundaries and limited contact are better than giving in here and there, being riddled with guilt, and what not. And she most certainly could make it worse.

[Rorocher]

The best revenge they say, is living well. Personally, as a BS, I would break out the bag of popcorn and patiently await the implosion of WH and OW's relationship because you KNOW that is coming. That's when you get your last laugh. In the meantime, I'm picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. It's not like you were born with WH, I don't care how long a marriage lasts, each partner were individuals before they met and married and when the marriage ends, for whatever reason, each partner will still and always be their own person.

[Noirek]

the BS acting mature & civil isn't "taking it" or letting "them" win.

 

it's acting mature & civil. just because others didn't act that way, doesn't mean that you can't. i personally expect EVERYONE to act mature, reasonable & civil. why would i expect any less from the BS? why would anyone?

 

i mean, if George down the street jumps from the too of the building... will you to? the BS doesn't need to follow the APs example. taking the high road is for THE BS to move on, not to give the APs a pass.

 

Not to mention this isn't about reconciliation. Or the BS trying to end an affair. This is about a woman who is being divorced. It isn't her place to give or not give a pass.

[amomwhoknows]

So, in the last 15 years, in my neighborhood, there have been two instances similar to yours.

 

In both cases, the couples divorced. In one case, the two having the affair dated for a while and then moved on from each other (Let's call them A). In the other, they dated forever, like over a decade, and married only recently. (let's call them B)

 

My observations for you:

 

1. In both cases, the betrayed spouses (the wives primarily plus one of the husbands -- in one couple it was an "open marriage" so no real hard feelings from the ex husband -- were crushed.

 

2. In deference to the betrayed spouse, my neighbor (B) dropped her school volunteer activities for a few years. She never sat with him at school events or other things for the kids. They didn't operate like a couple in public for many years. She resigned from the neighborhood pool, they had a pool anyway. They each had three kids, only the babies were in different grades. The two oldest and the two middles were the same grades.)

 

3. They made sure they weren't in the same classes, because once the relationship came to light, the kids relationships changed. In fact, it was brutal the first year or two, with public fights and bickering among the oldest. It was pretty horrific to watch and heartbreaking, a "lifelong" relationship between two 13 years old ended and never recovered.

 

4. In A couple, there were a lot of kids between the two of them, but only a few overlapped. His kids were in private and though he couldn't afford it, after the divorce, he had to leave them there because otherwise they would have gone to school with the OW's children. However, he moved his boys to a different little league team in the area because that is where the affair began and it was simply impossible, in a short time, for his Ex to get past that. I can't tell you strongly enough how much this helps.

 

Something really easy for you to do, is in rec league sports, just make sure the kids are on different teams. They likely try out anyway or pick days to practice etc, do something to give the BS some space. The kids can still be friends and not on the same team.

 

What are you doing to help the BW heal? Have you given her any physical space? Do you think she might like to move (I know she is fighting for the house, but do you think deep down, she might want to relocate?) A year or two after their affair, the BW in A went back to court and got permission to relocate.

 

Stay away from his kids birthday parties, recitals, etc. (Obviously this isn't a issue now, it doesn't sound like, but be clear with him that as you become more publicly open with your relationship that separate is separate.) Convince him to be generous with custody on her end*, be sensitive about holidays, and for crying out loud, allow her to host all the kid birthday parties. Have him take the kids to buy mother's day gifts, did he do this this year, Christmas presents, and birthday presents for her. He has a long way to go to undo the damage and he probably won't ever be able too, but taking the high road, even when she doesn't will help alot) *I see I missed a post where you said they have 50/50. That is probably really traumatic for her. (Remember she really is the loser in this. You get each other)

 

I think you handled the dance poorly. I think, for the sake of his future relationship with his kids, if you are going to be together for the long term, you need to take a year or two off of school volunteering. Your kids will know you still love them, you can focus your energies elsewhere and you allow her some space.

 

Keep in mind that both these affairs were at least 12 years ago and people still look at the cheating spouses with disdain. The OW in A finally gave physical custody to her ex (for school purposes) and she moved a suburb over. The exwife in her affair was pregnant at the time the affair occurred and my "friend" acted so entitled to be with him, that she really ruined her own friendships that were even outside her marriage.

 

I couldn't tell from your posts, but if either of you (your AP or you) are elected officials, you can expect this to be an issue should you run for election again. On the national level, folks don't seem to care, but in small towns they absolutely do.

 

I know you probably don't want this to be the case, but people are going to know the origin of your relationship.

Edited July 29, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[starglider]

Violet wrote: What I don't understand is why you couldn't wait until his divorce is finalized before you have an out in the open R?

 

And OP relied:

... We had every intention of keeping a low profile until the divorce was final. We certainly don't advertise our relationship, but we no longer hide it either. She pushed and pushed and demanded to know if he was dating... he felt it best to be honest about us being together.

My friend was in the BS's position in a similar situation and I think this point is very important to understand. The timing of the new relationship was so humiliating to her, with the OW and WS behaving as a couple at the school before the divorce was finalized.

 

It is one thing for the WS to admit the A relationship to the BS before the divorce goes through, but it may be very painful and humiliating for the BS to see you two having conversations at the school parking lot together about your plans when any one walking by will see you both acting like a couple before the D is finalized. She has to hold it together in these public environments and must be feeling that all eyes are on her, pitying her, or judging her situation, in that school setting.

 

If you want to have empathy for BS, please consider, from here forward, NC with your SO in social contexts where the BS will feel self-conscious and insecure (i.e. domains she still occupies), until the D is final. I think you behaving like a public couple in her turf (all of your turf, but she is the vulnerable one now) just adds insult to injury at this stage. In a short while you can be legit couple, but remember that she is one person who is hurt, betrayed, alone and you two are a powerful and intimidating twosome in the public environment she must try to be strong in.

 

My friend said if she hadn't felt "ganged up" by the "happy couple" in her school setting months before the ink was dry on the D, she would have felt much less traumatized by her divorce. This led to 3 years of subsequent conflict between her and the couple.

 

Interestingly, the new couple truly bonded together over their fights with BS, and once the BS let go of the conflict, the couple themselves ended up splitting up anyway. So for your own future, you don't want to bond with your SO over this drama!

[ladydesigner]

the BS acting mature & civil isn't "taking it" or letting "them" win.

 

it's acting mature & civil. just because others didn't act that way, doesn't mean that you can't. i personally expect EVERYONE to act mature, reasonable & civil. why would i expect any less from the BS? why would anyone?

 

i mean, if George down the street jumps from the too of the building... will you to? the BS doesn't need to follow the APs example. taking the high road is for THE BS to move on, not to give the APs a pass.

 

To each his own then. I don't hold anything against BS reactions. She's traumatized by the OW and her X.

[Sassy Girl]

Not at all. You are completely misinterpreting. WE destroyed a marriage. *I* was part of that destruction yes, but don't paint me at the only responsible party.

 

It is my empathy for her that drove my original question.

 

Only YOU are 100% responsible for your own actions which led to the destruction of a marriage, a family and another human beings hopes and dreams. Divvy it up however you like, but you had the power to control it. You are accountable for your own actions.

[Noirek]

To each his own then. I don't hold anything against BS reactions. She's traumatized by the OW and her X.

 

it is very hard to own personal responsibility for one's own actions and choices. Circumstances may be forced on a person. People don't ask to be betrayed, or have a child die, and sometimes they don't ask to be divorced either. But it happens and while that cannot be changed or controlled, actions can be. Always. Unless of course we buy into self justification and self entitlement. The OP could have chosen to stay out of the whole thing and been stronger. She wasn't and now has to deal with this. The BW could choose to not scream with her children present and not make her ex's life miserable at the expense of her children, but she is choosing to take the path away from healing. That is her choice. Not some sort of out of her control reaction.

 

 

You've made it very clear here your only intent is to sling insults at the OP as some sort of proxy for the OW in your situation. We get it. In your eyes a BS can do no wrong, including carrying on 18 months after her husband has moved out in front of her kids.

[Noirek]

Only YOU are 100% responsible for your own actions which led to the destruction of a marriage, a family and another human beings hopes and dreams. Divvy it up however you like, but you had the power to control it. You are accountable for your own actions.

 

As is the BW for her actions.

 

I believe it is unhealthy and morally wrong to be involved with a married person. But, it is obvious to any rational human being in the real world that the person who bares the most responsibility is the person who made and broke those vows. because they are the ones who broke their promise.

[ladydesigner]

it is very hard to own personal responsibility for one's own actions and choices. Circumstances may be forced on a person. People don't ask to be betrayed, or have a child die, and sometimes they don't ask to be divorced either. But it happens and while that cannot be changed or controlled, actions can be. Always. Unless of course we buy into self justification and self entitlement. The OP could have chosen to stay out of the whole thing and been stronger. She wasn't and now has to deal with this. The BW could choose to not scream with her children present and not make her ex's life miserable at the expense of her children, but she is choosing to take the path away from healing. That is her choice. Not some sort of out of her control reaction.

 

 

You've made it very clear here your only intent is to sling insults at the OP as some sort of proxy for the OW in your situation. We get it. In your eyes a BS can do no wrong, including carrying on 18 months after her husband has moved out in front of her kids.

 

No I disagree. I think the expectations as to how a BS should react are always being pointed out here. It's very tiring actually. I am going to bow out of this forum as I do not agree. Sorry to the OP if you felt like I attacked you in any way.

[daisygirl19]

 

Regarding dances, the OP could express that should the BS want to attend a future dance she will consider opting out provided it isn't a last minute thing. Otherwise, most thibgs fall in the xH's jurisdiction. i honestly don't think the OP can do anything to make it easier for the BS. But clear boundaries and limited contact are better than giving in here and there, being riddled with guilt, and what not. And she most certainly could make it worse.

 

I would absolutely be agreeable. I texted her and told her so at the time. I explained why I wasn't able to back out of the dance in June last minute and told her that next year I would be happy to coordinate our schedules so that we wouldn't chaperone the same dances if she wanted to participate next year. She responded politely with "thank you. I will consider". I couldn't ask for more.

[minimariah]

To each his own then. I don't hold anything against BS reactions. She's traumatized by the OW and her X.

 

i don't hold anything agains the BS's reactions either -- but i find them immature. if she wanted, she could have met the OP & the xH and she could have made a scene in front of them... IN PRIVATE. like, ask them for a cup of coffee and tell them what she REALLY thinks about them.

 

but in front of her children and in public...? that is humiliating.

 

she is traumatized, for sure. children act out when they are traumatized because they don't know any better - adults DO. at least they should.

 

it's not about telling the BS how they should or should not react... it's a commentary on how grown adults should deal with trauma. and every time someone points it out, folks respond with "well, why should she be mature when they weren't?!??" - that's childlike rethoric.

Edited July 29, 2015 by minimariah

[Sub]

So, just wondering......if the BS is causing a scene in front of the kids and everyone else, what do the kids think is going on if they don't know daisy and the MM are together?

[ladydesigner]

i don't hold anything agains the BS's reactions either -- but i find them immature. if she wanted, she could have met the OP & the xH and she could have made a scene in front of them... IN PRIVATE. like, ask them for a cup of coffee and tell them what she REALLY thinks about them.

 

but in front of her children and in public...? that is humiliating.

 

she is traumatized, for sure. children act out when they are traumatized because they don't know any better - adults DO. at least they should.

 

it's not about telling the BS how they should or should not react... it's a commentary on how grown adults should deal with trauma. and every time someone points it out, folks respond with "well, why should she be mature when they weren't?!??" - that's childlike rethoric.

 

What do you say to a person who has poor coping skills and has not yet realized this about themselves? I feel it is a bit harsh to expect the BS to act a certain way. I'm pretty sure most of us including myself are embarrassed by some of our past actions and reactions due to not knowing how to cope with the situation.

 

Not everyone has the same coping skills. The BS in this situation obviously needs a lot of therapy I don't dispute that, I just don't like how all the OW rally together to say oh they acted immaturely, or acted like this or that. It really doesn't surprise me I guess.

[Noirek]

So, just wondering......if the BS is causing a scene in front of the kids and everyone else, what do the kids think is going on if they don't know daisy and the MM are together?

 

I wondered that too. I imagine the coversation could not be heard by them until she started yelling. Maybe her yelling to them sounded like her upset over the D and she didn't mention daisy during that part?

[Noirek]

What do you say to a person who has poor coping skills and has not yet realized this about themselves? I feel it is a bit harsh to expect the BS to act a certain way. I'm pretty sure most of us including myself are embarrassed by some of our past actions and reactions due to not knowing how to cope with the situation.

 

Not everyone has the same coping skills. The BS in this situation obviously needs a lot of therapy I don't dispute that, I just don't like how all the OW rally together to say oh they acted immaturely, or acted like this or that. It really doesn't surprise me I guess.

 

It's no less common or predictable than the BS rallying to take digs at the OP, twist her words, give the BS a free pass and all the other usual. I have never been in a situation such as the OP. Not even close. I in no way condone her behaviour with a MM. But, what is done, is done. She is in therapy.

 

The OP is sharing her experience which is no different then anyone else sharing their experience. And asking for advice. Why should she be made to feel badly just for that? And no, she can't help the BS in her situations but she most certainly doesn't have to cower to her or drop out of her own children's events. I honestly think it was a genuine wondering if she could be doing more. And of course for some they'd have her dump the guy as more or hide away forever as more. But that isn't going to change what was done or in the long run help anyone. Really, the only thing she can do is keep on the way she is. Hopefully, in time, the BW will decide she is tired of being the victim and take charge of her own life. Accept her marriage is over and work on making a new life.

 

The OP can refrain from fighting fire with fire, record any illegal behaviour such as harassment if it comes to that. Hopefully, the xh in his steps up and becomes clear and firm with her. And gets this divorce through!

[amomwhoknows]

I would absolutely be agreeable. I texted her and told her so at the time. I explained why I wasn't able to back out of the dance in June last minute and told her that next year I would be happy to coordinate our schedules so that we wouldn't chaperone the same dances if she wanted to participate next year. She responded politely with "thank you. I will consider". I couldn't ask for more.

 

So what other actions can you take like this? Have you thought about it?

 

What the BS needs is more than empathy from you. She needs space and time to heal. If you are sincere in your desire to lessen her pain, what else can you do?

[movingforward2013]

I understand that is how she sees it. I feel very badly about that.

 

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

If you were truly remorseful and sorry about your role, you would leave him alone and find someone else. You blow up someone's life and then stay involved, expecting them to get over it. It doesn't work like that.

 

You can't say sorry to someone and keep doing the same thing you claim to be sorry for. A truly remorseful person would end the relationship and let everyone have time to sort things out. In a few years, once everything has calmed, then you could see.

Personally, I hope you stay with him though. I firmly believe that what happened to her should also happen to you so you can truly understand the pain behind your infidelity. He will get his- in the still of the night when all is dark, he will be haunted by what he has done to his family. Whether you understand it or not, your emotional affair aided them not to be able to work their marriage out. He didn't put any effort into it- he wasn't focused because he had you. Can't focus on making a relationship work when you have another in the wings.

 

Don't have to agree with me. It is completely selfish for you to continue a relationship with this man after what you both done. But if you aren't willing to sacrifice your relationship for everyone's betterment, then what is the point? You really aren't sorry.

[velvette]

It's no less common or predictable than the BS rallying to take digs at the OP, twist her words, give the BS a free pass and all the other usual. I have never been in a situation such as the OP. Not even close. I in no way condone her behaviour with a MM. But, what is done, is done. She is in therapy.

 

The OP is sharing her experience which is no different then anyone else sharing their experience. And asking for advice. Why should she be made to feel badly just for that? And no, she can't help the BS in her situations but she most certainly doesn't have to cower to her or drop out of her own children's events. I honestly think it was a genuine wondering if she could be doing more. And of course for some they'd have her dump the guy as more or hide away forever as more. But that isn't going to change what was done or in the long run help anyone. Really, the only thing she can do is keep on the way she is. Hopefully, in time, the BW will decide she is tired of being the victim and take charge of her own life. Accept her marriage is over and work on making a new life.

 

The OP can refrain from fighting fire with fire, record any illegal behaviour such as harassment if it comes to that. Hopefully, the xh in his steps up and becomes clear and firm with her. And gets this divorce through!

 

 

 

You're missing a huge point. The marriage is not over yet and they are involved in an apparently contentious divorce unable to negotiate a settlement. Kind of hard to move on from a divorce that hasn't happened yet.

[daisygirl19]

So, in the last 15 years, in my neighborhood, there have been two instances similar to yours.

 

In both cases, the couples divorced. In one case, the two having the affair dated for a while and then moved on from each other (Let's call them A). In the other, they dated forever, like over a decade, and married only recently. (let's call them B)

 

My observations for you:

 

1. In both cases, the betrayed spouses (the wives primarily plus one of the husbands -- in one couple it was an "open marriage" so no real hard feelings from the ex husband -- were crushed.

 

2. In deference to the betrayed spouse, my neighbor (B) dropped her school volunteer activities for a few years. She never sat with him at school events or other things for the kids. They didn't operate like a couple in public for many years. She resigned from the neighborhood pool, they had a pool anyway. They each had three kids, only the babies were in different grades. The two oldest and the two middles were the same grades.)

 

3. They made sure they weren't in the same classes, because once the relationship came to light, the kids relationships changed. In fact, it was brutal the first year or two, with public fights and bickering among the oldest. It was pretty horrific to watch and heartbreaking, a "lifelong" relationship between two 13 years old ended and never recovered.

 

4. In A couple, there were a lot of kids between the two of them, but only a few overlapped. His kids were in private and though he couldn't afford it, after the divorce, he had to leave them there because otherwise they would have gone to school with the OW's children. However, he moved his boys to a different little league team in the area because that is where the affair began and it was simply impossible, in a short time, for his Ex to get past that. I can't tell you strongly enough how much this helps.

 

Something really easy for you to do, is in rec league sports, just make sure the kids are on different teams. They likely try out anyway or pick days to practice etc, do something to give the BS some space. The kids can still be friends and not on the same team.

 

What are you doing to help the BW heal? Have you given her any physical space? Do you think she might like to move (I know she is fighting for the house, but do you think deep down, she might want to relocate?) A year or two after their affair, the BW in A went back to court and got permission to relocate.

 

Stay away from his kids birthday parties, recitals, etc. (Obviously this isn't a issue now, it doesn't sound like, but be clear with him that as you become more publicly open with your relationship that separate is separate.) Convince him to be generous with custody on her end*, be sensitive about holidays, and for crying out loud, allow her to host all the kid birthday parties. Have him take the kids to buy mother's day gifts, did he do this this year, Christmas presents, and birthday presents for her. He has a long way to go to undo the damage and he probably won't ever be able too, but taking the high road, even when she doesn't will help alot) *I see I missed a post where you said they have 50/50. That is probably really traumatic for her. (Remember she really is the loser in this. You get each other)

 

I think you handled the dance poorly. I think, for the sake of his future relationship with his kids, if you are going to be together for the long term, you need to take a year or two off of school volunteering. Your kids will know you still love them, you can focus your energies elsewhere and you allow her some space.

 

Keep in mind that both these affairs were at least 12 years ago and people still look at the cheating spouses with disdain. The OW in A finally gave physical custody to her ex (for school purposes) and she moved a suburb over. The exwife in her affair was pregnant at the time the affair occurred and my "friend" acted so entitled to be with him, that she really ruined her own friendships that were even outside her marriage.

 

I couldn't tell from your posts, but if either of you (your AP or you) are elected officials, you can expect this to be an issue should you run for election again. On the national level, folks don't seem to care, but in small towns they absolutely do.

 

I know you probably don't want this to be the case, but people are going to know the origin of your relationship.

 

Thank you very much for your response. This is the type of feedback I was looking to get .

 

In regards to the school stuff, while I am not willing to cease my involvement at the expense of my kids or things I have been involved in for years to cater to her, I do respect the fact that my presence pains her and I always allow her to dictate how we handle these situations when they arise. Still, my kids are first and foremost. I stand by that vehemently. Same holds for for sports. We are in a very unique situation. Our daughters have been friends since the age of 4. They have played on the same sports teams and been in school together. They have regular play dates and are each other's top 3 on the birthday party invite list. My daughter has already paid the price in some respects for my decisions where MM is concerned. I will NOT allow it again. That said, his ex is not unreasonable in this regard. Case in point, this past softball season, she requested my daughter be moved to another team. This team has been intact since these girls were 4. He said no, I will not do that to T and S (our daughters). They cannot be punished for my mistakes. She immediately agreed. She and I met, at her request, discussed how to handle the upcoming game season, and went from there. We are very fortunate that we are all very on point where the kids are concerned.

 

We do not act as a couple in public. Ever. They sometimes sit together at school events, sometimes not. Same with my ex husband and I. It's been that way as long as I've known them. Even while they were together. We never sit together and when we do interact, it's typically in a group setting. I am very conscious of this, because I know her seeing us together in any way causing extreme reactions from her. I get it.

 

I have more on the other points you raised. Many were valid and I appreciate the perspective. My brain is fried, so I'll be back to address those later

[Carm]

The best revenge they say, is living well. Personally, as a BS, I would break out the bag of popcorn and patiently await the implosion of WH and OW's relationship because you KNOW that is coming. That's when you get your last laugh. In the meantime, I'm picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. It's not like you were born with WH, I don't care how long a marriage lasts, each partner were individuals before they met and married and when the marriage ends, for whatever reason, each partner will still and always be their own person.

 

 

It took me years to get over my exH betrayal, it was made even harder because like OP they stayed together. My kids never excepted her, the hardly went over to their home, they called her some choice names. Years later, guess what he left her for his assistant....there wasn't one part of me that felt sorry for her. Where am I today with all of this? I feel totally indifferent to him which is a good thing but I have to say the day I found out that he betrayed the OW was a good day for me. Like I said earlier, if he will do it with you, he'll do it to you.

[daisygirl19]

If you were truly remorseful and sorry about your role, you would leave him alone and find someone else. You blow up someone's life and then stay involved, expecting them to get over it. It doesn't work like that.

 

You can't say sorry to someone and keep doing the same thing you claim to be sorry for. A truly remorseful person would end the relationship and let everyone have time to sort things out. In a few years, once everything has calmed, then you could see.

Personally, I hope you stay with him though. I firmly believe that what happened to her should also happen to you so you can truly understand the pain behind your infidelity. He will get his- in the still of the night when all is dark, he will be haunted by what he has done to his family. Whether you understand it or not, your emotional affair aided them not to be able to work their marriage out. He didn't put any effort into it- he wasn't focused because he had you. Can't focus on making a relationship work when you have another in the wings.

 

Don't have to agree with me. It is completely selfish for you to continue a relationship with this man after what you both done. But if you aren't willing to sacrifice your relationship for everyone's betterment, then what is the point? You really aren't sorry.

 

Gotcha. The only way for me to "redeem myself" in the BS's eyes is to not "win" him in the end. No matter what I do, whatever steps I take to better myself and to improve the situation is tainted because I am the OW. The BS has a free pass for life. I'm sorry, I respectfully disagree.

[Carm]

Darn it....they wouldn't let me edit....I meant the kids never accepted her and they hardly went over.

[truncated]

You're right, Daisy, she probably is holding up the divorce simply to delay the inevitable. People like to be in control.

 

She will eventually get over it and move on with her life, or she will remain resolute that this has ruined her forever and turn an admittedly bad life event for her (the affair/divorce) into the reason that everything for her is awful, forever. That's no way to live a life.

 

To all of you throwing stones here: do you really think what the BW is doing here is healthy behavior? How constructive is it to say, "serves you right, Daisy"? Sure, the BW is justifiably hurt and angry, but ultimately she's only hurting herself. Cutting off her nose to spite her face, so to speak.

 

actually the only viewpoint being presented here is the one of the op, which is the nature of an Internet forum. it's a one sided view of a situation. Even if the op tried, she can't really speak for the bs or why she is doing what she does. She is giving her truth as she sees it to be. It may well not be the bs's truth.

 

If the bs were to be able to tell her story, it might very well be different, and shed a lot of light on the situation that it is not possible for the op to give.

[truncated]

I love how people expect the BS to act like a responsible adult when the xH and the AP were acting completely irresponsible during the A. Why is a BS expected to keep taking it?

 

 

I've noticed this as well, and it's always seems to me to be that way because it's easier. It's easier to do that than it is to ask people to face their behavior that wasn't so wonderful.

 

 

 

The thing to keep in mind is that the mm and ow had an affair. Nothing will change that. No amount of "I'm sorrys" or " I feel terrible" can go back in time an erase that. The bs has to find his or her own way forward, and that will take time. It's easy for the mm or ow to feel the bs should move forward, as they have been aware of the affair from day one, and have had all the time in the world to process it. The bs has not.

 

It's like comparing someone who warns you they are going to throw a cold bucket of water on you to someone who gets it with no warning at all. Who will be the most shocked, and who will likely need the most time to recover?