Best way to handle still angry BS?

[daisygirl19]

.

 

 

You want ppl here to see her as a villain with no self-restraint, as per the title of your thread.

 

 

The fact of the matter is, she can do whatever she wants with her divorce; you have no right to want anything from her. If stalling on this helps her get a better grip on what's happening around her, then so be it.

 

 

She's not holding your kids to random, so what's stopping you from telling your own children what's happening? If you don't want to cater to her over dance schedules because your kids come first, it seems strange you're accommodating her on not telling your own children the truth.

 

If my kids know, hers will too. I will not ask my kids to lie to hers, nor can I or will I keep them apart. I cannot and will not make the decision for her kids to know about us when she, as their mother, does not feel that they are ready to know their father is dating. Whether SO and I agree with her or not, as a mother myself, I will abide by her wishes on this, for now.

[daisygirl19]

Where was all this concern for the kids when you started the affair? As a mother it is your job to provide a happy, safe, emotionally healthy environment for your kids. How does a relationship with a mm achieve that? Worse yet, how does encouraging a relationship between the two sets of kids achieve that? Let's get real here. When the kids realize what really happened they will see it as an us vs them situation. It will be all the worse if they get to know you and your kids on a personal level. The betrayal they feel will be doubled. And what impact will this have down the road, when they begin exploring romantic relationships? What kind of model are you creating for them? Mm's marriage may have been bad, but your relationship is just as dysfunctional.

 

You're clearly not worried about the kids. If you were you'd put your selfish wants aside and do what's best for them-Therapy for all parties involved and a clean cut with the dysfunctional family dynamic you are creating. But you won't do that because for all of the "won't someone just think of the children!" that goes on most people will always put themselves first.

 

With all due respect, for the very last time on this thread, I am NOT asking for judgement on my past mistake. I am asking for advice going forward. If and when you have something productive to contribute on that end, I am all ears. I am well aware of my job as a mother, and I do my job well. Please don't tell me I am not worried about the kids. I have repeatedly said everyone was in therapy.

[Curdie]

With all due respect, for the very last time on this thread, I am NOT asking for judgement on my past mistake. I am asking for advice going forward. If and when you have something productive to contribute on that end, I am all ears. I am well aware of my job as a mother, and I do my job well. Please don't tell me I am not worried about the kids. I have repeatedly said everyone was in therapy.

 

And with all due respect I don't think you read my entire post. You read disapproval and then blocked everything else out because you are still compartmentalizing. The you who hurt the kids and the you who is complaining that the bs is "holding her kids hostage" are the same person. It would serve you well to examine what your true motives are.

 

Another thing that jumped out at me is that you keep insisting that your kids come first, even at the detriment of her kids. It's more important that you be at the dance for your kid than it is for BS to be there for her kid. It's more important that you be there for the softball game than it is for her to be there, etc. It takes a special person to be a good stepparent and I think you should really consider if you're up for it or not, especially considering the dysfunctional nature of this entire dynamic. Can you really treat the children as equals? Can you show respect for the BS? Your actions thus far suggest otherwise. Refusing to accept that your affair severely injured the BS and failing to take responsibility by accommodating her desire to not be in your presence are pretty good indicators that this blended family is doomed to fail miserably. You're insisting that she should heal on your timeline, on your terms. What happens if her kids also fail to fulfill your fantasies of a magical blended family where the history of your affair just disappears? Will you insist that they heal on your timeline too?

 

I stand by my suggestion to cut ties and start fresh. It's best for your kids and ultimately best for you too. Nothing about this relationship is healthy.

[usernametaken]

And with all due respect I don't think you read my entire post. You read disapproval and then blocked everything else out because you are still compartmentalizing. The you who hurt the kids and the you who is complaining that the bs is "holding her kids hostage" are the same person. It would serve you well to examine what your true motives are.

 

Another thing that jumped out at me is that you keep insisting that your kids come first, even at the detriment of her kids. It's more important that you be at the dance for your kid than it is for BS to be there for her kid. It's more important that you be there for the softball game than it is for her to be there, etc. It takes a special person to be a good stepparent and I think you should really consider if you're up for it or not, especially considering the dysfunctional nature of this entire dynamic. Can you really treat the children as equals? Can you show respect for the BS? Your actions thus far suggest otherwise. Refusing to accept that your affair severely injured the BS and failing to take responsibility by accommodating her desire to not be in your presence are pretty good indicators that this blended family is doomed to fail miserably. You're insisting that she should heal on your timeline, on your terms. What happens if her kids also fail to fulfill your fantasies of a magical blended family where the history of your affair just disappears? Will you insist that they heal on your timeline too?

 

I stand by my suggestion to cut ties and start fresh. It's best for your kids and ultimately best for you too. Nothing about this relationship is healthy.

 

How is any of this helpful? Obviously, that's not what she's going to do. I get the sense that you're just here to cast stones.

[minimariah]

Can you really treat the children as equals?

 

it's normal that her kids come as a priority to HER & are more important than the BS's kids -- stepparent or not.

 

Can you show respect for the BS? Your actions thus far suggest otherwise. Refusing to accept that your affair severely injured the BS and failing to take responsibility by accommodating her desire to not be in your presence are pretty good indicators that this blended family is doomed to fail miserably.

 

she did show respect to the BS & she did accept the responsibility. should she slave away and fulfill every BS's wish to be viewed as human...?

 

this is one of few threads where the OW actually seems like a totally reasonable person and many just really WANT her to be this malicious and evil woman, tormenting the poor BS.

 

You're insisting that she should heal on your timeline, on your terms.

 

healing aside -- she should be able to be civil & normal by now. you don't need to heal in order to act like a grown up.

 

I stand by my suggestion to cut ties and start fresh. It's best for your kids and ultimately best for you too. Nothing about this relationship is healthy.

 

how will anyone benefit from them cutting ties...? they cannot start fresh, will folks forgive about the A if they break up now & reunite in five years...?

 

with cutting ties -- you will have two miserable people, kids + a BS with false hopes up. and then the entire mess will start AGAIN when they reunite.

[daisygirl19]

And with all due respect I don't think you read my entire post. You read disapproval and then blocked everything else out because you are still compartmentalizing. The you who hurt the kids and the you who is complaining that the bs is "holding her kids hostage" are the same person. It would serve you well to examine what your true motives are.

 

Another thing that jumped out at me is that you keep insisting that your kids come first, even at the detriment of her kids. It's more important that you be at the dance for your kid than it is for BS to be there for her kid. It's more important that you be there for the softball game than it is for her to be there, etc. It takes a special person to be a good stepparent and I think you should really consider if you're up for it or not, especially considering the dysfunctional nature of this entire dynamic. Can you really treat the children as equals? Can you show respect for the BS? Your actions thus far suggest otherwise. Refusing to accept that your affair severely injured the BS and failing to take responsibility by accommodating her desire to not be in your presence are pretty good indicators that this blended family is doomed to fail miserably. You're insisting that she should heal on your timeline, on your terms. What happens if her kids also fail to fulfill your fantasies of a magical blended family where the history of your affair just disappears? Will you insist that they heal on your timeline too?

 

I stand by my suggestion to cut ties and start fresh. It's best for your kids and ultimately best for you too. Nothing about this relationship is healthy.

 

I think it's equally important that we are both at events, for our kids. I have no problem keeping my distance from her, or whatever she needs me to do to make my presence easier for her. I will not stop attending my daughter's games though, any more I would expect her not to attend.

 

I honestly wasn't trying to ignore parts of your post. I felt like some of your points were already addressed. To answer your questions here, yes, I know I am capable of treating their kids equal to mine. And yes, I am absolutely capable of showing her respect. I feel as though I do.

[Curdie]

I think it's equally important that we are both at events, for our kids. I have no problem keeping my distance from her, or whatever she needs me to do to make my presence easier for her. I will not stop attending my daughter's games though, any more I would expect her not to attend.

 

I honestly wasn't trying to ignore parts of your post. I felt like some of your points were already addressed. To answer your questions here, yes, I know I am capable of treating their kids equal to mine. And yes, I am absolutely capable of showing her respect. I feel as though I do.

 

By refusing to respect the fact that seeing you triggers her, you are automatically disrespecting her. You are still insisting that the interactions happen or she should have to miss out on her kids' events. That, in and of itself, is disrespectful. You had the affair, yet she is the one who you think should make concessions. Trying to play happy family with her kids before the divorce is finalized and way before she has come anywhere close to healing is disrespectful. And because it is disrespectful and it inhibits her recovery it is also bad for her kids. The kids that you insist you can be a good stepparent to.

 

Seriously, what is so special about a lying cheater that moving away and finding a different mate without this baggage is not an option? You know this situation is not ideal for your kids. Why are you putting them in it?

 

And just as an fyi I know that I come off as harsh. But I honestly think that people are defined by their actions and we all have the capacity for both good and evil. You aren't automatically the worst person ever but your choices thus far have been pretty bad. Sugar coating the message won't help you any. You are risking your relationship with your kids and the emotional health of both sets of kids. What could possibly be worth this risk? A relationship with a man who has already shown poor judgement and relationship skills?

Edited July 30, 2015 by Curdie

[jwi71]

daisy,

 

You posted something to the effect of "my kids paid a price for 'this'" and you would never allow it again. I should have quoted it, but it was pages back and I cant find it. I hope you recall what I am referring to.

 

If you don't mind, what "price" did they pay? Was it in relation to the A?

 

The point I will eventually drive it, and Im trying to condense things a bit, is if the kids, specifically your kids, have paid a "price" then what good does lying to them (about the A) do? Do you feel that the fact that this R began as an A can be successfully hidden? Because it kinda sounds like the cat is already out of the bag. If so, and your children have either direect knowledge or suspicions thereof - why lie?

 

My concern is you and your SO created the very wedge the you think the BS is trying to create. To lie about your origin when the kids know/suspect the truth cannot be setting up a healthy "blended-family" dynamic. IT is something I would be VERY concerned about.

 

And I get the rub...the (potential) desire to be honest and the counter-balancing "age appropriate disclosure". I further realize, and I think you do as well, that every day not telling is perpetuating a lie to the kids - well, that's how I believe they would see it.

 

Can you identify anything you can do to address that? In particular, given we cannot control the BS, how do you plan to reconcile your lies with her truth - that you and dad began as an A?

 

I would be cautious that the path of lying to the kids only sets up a hard fall down the road. I'm not really seeing a good solution here save for age appropriate disclosure. I think you have created a bit of a time bomb.

 

My final word is "pick your fights". Sometimes, to keep the peace, to take the high road, to establish a sense of "goodwill" - maybe YOU have to take a small loss. I frequently do so with my xW. I'll take a small injustice to preserve "the peace".

 

I think your current path leads to a place worse than you have now though.

[daisygirl19]

By refusing to respect the fact that seeing you triggers her, you are automatically disrespecting her. You are still insisting that the interactions happen or she should have to miss out on her kids' events. That, in and of itself, is disrespectful. You had the affair, yet she is the one who you think should make concessions. Trying to play happy family with her kids before the divorce is finalized and way before she has come anywhere close to healing is disrespectful. And because it is disrespectful and it inhibits her recovery it is also bad for her kids. The kids that you insist you can be a good stepparent to.

 

Seriously, what is so special about a lying cheater that moving away and finding a different mate without this baggage is not an option? You know this situation is not ideal for your kids. Why are you putting them in it?

 

And just as an fyi I know that I come off as harsh. But I honestly think that people are defined by their actions and we all have the capacity for both good and evil. You aren't automatically the worst person ever but your choices thus far have been pretty bad. Sugar coating the message won't help you any. You are risking your relationship with your kids and the emotional health of both sets of kids. What could possibly be worth this risk? A relationship with a man who has already shown poor judgement and relationship skills?

 

I guess I'm not looking at it as though she has to miss out on events. I think the space is big enough for us both. SO and I don't advertise our relationship and we certainly don't play "happy family" with the kids. We don't even typically communicate with each other in her presence at these events. We do nothing different now where the kids are concerned than we did prior. Actually, that's not true, we do less now than before. I suppose I fail to see how me staying away from my kids' events is disrespectful to her. If I was rubbing it in her face or being rude to her, etc., I would find that disrespectful behavior, but that's not what's happening here.

 

I do not think my relationship with my kids is at risk because I choose to be with this man. I'll leave it at that.

[Curdie]

it's normal that her kids come as a priority to HER & are more important than the BS's kids -- stepparent or not.

 

 

 

she did show respect to the BS & she did accept the responsibility. should she slave away and fulfill every BS's wish to be viewed as human...?

 

this is one of few threads where the OW actually seems like a totally reasonable person and many just really WANT her to be this malicious and evil woman, tormenting the poor BS.

 

 

 

healing aside -- she should be able to be civil & normal by now. you don't need to heal in order to act like a grown up.

 

 

 

how will anyone benefit from them cutting ties...? they cannot start fresh, will folks forgive about the A if they break up now & reunite in five years...?

 

with cutting ties -- you will have two miserable people, kids + a BS with false hopes up. and then the entire mess will start AGAIN when they reunite.

 

I meant cutting ties and starting fresh in a new place, with a different person. Of course she can't start fresh with mm! The history will always be there. And it will almost inevitably be be an issue. You know, like if/when the groom's family pull out the polite "so how did you two meet?" at mm's daughter's wedding. Or when one of the kids throws the affair out in a teenage tantrum. Awkward family events where both daisy and bs are expected to attend. (That'll be a fun first bday party for the grands!) If one of the kids refuses to acknowledge the relationship. Visits with the in laws, who will likely forever see daisy as the ow and who may not accept her and her kids into the family fold. So much unnecessary trouble. No man is worth this.

[Curdie]

I guess I'm not looking at it as though she has to miss out on events. I think the space is big enough for us both. SO and I don't advertise our relationship and we certainly don't play "happy family" with the kids. We don't even typically communicate with each other in her presence at these events. We do nothing different now where the kids are concerned than we did prior. Actually, that's not true, we do less now than before. I suppose I fail to see how me staying away from my kids' events is disrespectful to her. If I was rubbing it in her face or being rude to her, etc., I would find that disrespectful behavior, but that's not what's happening here.

 

I do not think my relationship with my kids is at risk because I choose to be with this man. I'll leave it at that.

 

The very sight of you is probably enough to trigger her. You don't have to do anything. Seeing you likely makes her sick to her stomach. Fight or flight is probably being triggered. Rage, fear, shup.e, hate, jealousy. Lord only knows how many emotions she experiences when she sees you and she has to do her best to not make a spectacle of herself in public. Apparently she has failed to do so a few times.

 

Meanwhile, you have it nice and compartmentalized. You experience minor discomfort when you see her. And you are insisting that she should suck it up. You don't see your utter disregard as disrespectful?

[daisygirl19]

daisy,

 

You posted something to the effect of "my kids paid a price for 'this'" and you would never allow it again. I should have quoted it, but it was pages back and I cant find it. I hope you recall what I am referring to.

 

If you don't mind, what "price" did they pay? Was it in relation to the A?

 

The point I will eventually drive it, and Im trying to condense things a bit, is if the kids, specifically your kids, have paid a "price" then what good does lying to them (about the A) do? Do you feel that the fact that this R began as an A can be successfully hidden? Because it kinda sounds like the cat is already out of the bag. If so, and your children have either direect knowledge or suspicions thereof - why lie?

 

My concern is you and your SO created the very wedge the you think the BS is trying to create. To lie about your origin when the kids know/suspect the truth cannot be setting up a healthy "blended-family" dynamic. IT is something I would be VERY concerned about.

 

And I get the rub...the (potential) desire to be honest and the counter-balancing "age appropriate disclosure". I further realize, and I think you do as well, that every day not telling is perpetuating a lie to the kids - well, that's how I believe they would see it.

 

Can you identify anything you can do to address that? In particular, given we cannot control the BS, how do you plan to reconcile your lies with her truth - that you and dad began as an A?

 

I would be cautious that the path of lying to the kids only sets up a hard fall down the road. I'm not really seeing a good solution here save for age appropriate disclosure. I think you have created a bit of a time bomb.

 

My final word is "pick your fights". Sometimes, to keep the peace, to take the high road, to establish a sense of "goodwill" - maybe YOU have to take a small loss. I frequently do so with my xW. I'll take a small injustice to preserve "the peace".

 

I think your current path leads to a place worse than you have now though.

 

I do recall. What I meant by that is that my daughter pays the price in that she is sometimes excluded from parties and events that his daughter attends, at her mother's request.

 

In terms of lying to the kids, I hear you loud and clear. It's something I really struggle with. Our kids are used to us spending time together, so our relationship, as they are exposed to it, is not something new or different for them. I would come clean with my kids now, but I can't ask my kids to lie to hers or keep secrets from them. Do I think the kids suspect? I sure do. At least my 12 and 9 year old and their 11 year old. I don't agree with keeping this from the kids, but she is adamant about it and I feel like I have to respect that for now.

 

As for "picking my battles", I honestly feel like I do. I feel like I give on a lot of things.

[daisygirl19]

I meant cutting ties and starting fresh in a new place, with a different person. Of course she can't start fresh with mm! The history will always be there. And it will almost inevitably be be an issue. You know, like if/when the groom's family pull out the polite "so how did you two meet?" at mm's daughter's wedding. Or when one of the kids throws the affair out in a teenage tantrum. Awkward family events where both daisy and bs are expected to attend. (That'll be a fun first bday party for the grands!) If one of the kids refuses to acknowledge the relationship. Visits with the in laws, who will likely forever see daisy as the ow and who may not accept her and her kids into the family fold. So much unnecessary trouble. No man is worth this.

 

I am not going to uproot and move my kids, change their schools and pull them out of sports they've been playing for years so she doesn't have to see me. Sorry, call me whatever you like, judge me however you like, but that's not going to happen. You may see that as "fair" to her, but how is that fair to anyone else, especially the kids?

 

I've been close to his family for years. My kids and I are very much accepted. I am not concerned about that. And yes, his family knows the truth. He came clean with them long ago.

 

As for us rewriting our history - spot on point! This is a big concern of mine.

[daisygirl19]

The very sight of you is probably enough to trigger her. You don't have to do anything. Seeing you likely makes her sick to her stomach. Fight or flight is probably being triggered. Rage, fear, shup.e, hate, jealousy. Lord only knows how many emotions she experiences when she sees you and she has to do her best to not make a spectacle of herself in public. Apparently she has failed to do so a few times.

 

Meanwhile, you have it nice and compartmentalized. You experience minor discomfort when you see her. And you are insisting that she should suck it up. You don't see your utter disregard as disrespectful?

 

I understand your point here and how the sight of me makes her sick. I'm not insisting she "suck it up", but I can see how you (and likely others) are taking it that way. Maybe it's just semantics and I'm too close to the situation to see it as you are. But no, I don't think my presence in and of itself is disrespectful to her.

[amomwhoknows]

I want to add this before I get to what my neighbor said, you have disrespected her. You disrespected both your marriage and his (as did HE). Every time she sees you, she sees you as someone who stole her life. You will have her children half the time, you have her husband, you will likely be in much better financial shape than she, etc etc etc. Can you not reverse the situation and see how she must feel each time she sees you?

 

Anyway, so I ran into my neighbor who was the OW in Couple B. The one who eventually married her AP.

 

Anyway, I asked her for advice for a "friend" and briefly described your situation. (yes I am that person, one without much of a filter.)

 

Her recommendations:

 

Find a way to separate the kids activities as much as possible. It will not only help the BS but will help the kids once the situation becomes public. (If you aren't willing to make changes with your kids, maybe he is with theirs.)

 

She actually put her middle child in private school about the time her marriage broke up and affair became public. His child went to the public school. Her middle was so angry (I didn't know this) with them and she needed out of the environment of 24/7 with people who knew what her mother had done.

 

They took some time off, she thinks about a year, for him to be a single parent and focus on trying to fix his co=-parenting relationship with his EX as much as possible and to help his kids heal. They didn't live together for many years, long after all but the oldest kids had adjusted. She wasn't in any hurry to be married again. In fact, he threw a surprise wedding for her with very little notice, and she went along and then insisted on a pre-nup (so I guess post-nup) after. She would have been fine with their status quo.

 

Important note, they didn't marry until long after his EX had. Remember my neighbor wasn't in any hurry and didn't think it was necessary. Their lives improved greatly once his Ex was able to move on, not just aromatically, but in a way that allowed her to define her own space. (That is what makes your situation so dang hard. When I shared the details with my neighbor, she said that sounds impossible for the BS (and remember she was the OW.)

 

They never attended each other's kids events, unless their kids were there too. Even after they married, with the exception of milestone type events like graduations, eventually weddings, they keep themselves pretty separate. With the exception of their wedding, they didn't really do "family" pictures. They view their kids as friends with each other much more than siblings. Her oldest two kids were about the same age as your AP's kids, their youngest was about the same as yours. In her case, she has a great relationship with her ex (remember open marriage) and they generally have family dinner type things for the big things like grads.

 

As they hit the teenage years, the kid parties were fewer and if they happened, they were planned by the kids, whosoever house was who supervised and provided food/cake and the invite list was on the kids too.

 

For birthdays, now that the kids are older, if they are in town, they have dinner with the betrayed spouse on their birthday and generally celebrate with my neighbor whenever. Even years, later her husband is very careful to be sensitive to the consequences of his actions.

 

They have been very fortunate about major illnesses and such, but long ago, they made it clear that they were not going to act as a parental unit ever. So if a kid had a broken bone, his/her parent was the one dealing with it with their ex, not the step.

 

 

Several have suggested that perhaps she should move. Without knowing where you live, in my metro area, someone could move 10-15 minutes a way and be in a whole different place with different schools, sports etc. My friend first suggested you should move, but it sounds like that is a no go for you.

 

Knowing that you and he can't suggest it, and again not knowing if this is even a possibility in terms of geography, perhaps she might want to move? He could buy her out of the house and she could move on.

 

Do you think that has been suggested? Kids are resilient and while it might seem like another loss to her, in the end it might be much easier for her to start again.

 

I think you view her as holding the divorce hostage, but the reality is that I imagine she is emotionally paralyzed. You had years to know that you would be splitting your kids (and for whatever reason she didn't take him seriously and you weren't there for those conversations, so you don't know how clear he was) and it sucks if you were blindsided.

 

As fall registration approaches for activities, try to be kind as you plan. Understanding that some things, like the girls softball (?) team are fixed, there is likely come flexibility in the other things. Though as I type I realize that the oldest two aren't the same gender, so they may not overlap.

Edited July 30, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[usernametaken]

I meant cutting ties and starting fresh in a new place, with a different person. Of course she can't start fresh with mm! The history will always be there. And it will almost inevitably be be an issue. You know, like if/when the groom's family pull out the polite "so how did you two meet?" at mm's daughter's wedding. Or when one of the kids throws the affair out in a teenage tantrum. Awkward family events where both daisy and bs are expected to attend. (That'll be a fun first bday party for the grands!) If one of the kids refuses to acknowledge the relationship. Visits with the in laws, who will likely forever see daisy as the ow and who may not accept her and her kids into the family fold. So much unnecessary trouble. No man is worth this.

 

I've seen it work out. My dad married the OW - and they've been together at weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc. with my mom present. My mom has stayed bitter about the affair and the divorce since the 90s. She's allowed it to consume her life. Honestly, I resent my mother for never moving past it.

 

So, in my case, it's only an issue for my mom who has held a grudge for over two decades now. All the kids know the history, and guess what? We have forgiven dad, stepmom, etc.

[minimariah]

I meant cutting ties and starting fresh in a new place, with a different person.

 

but why...? they both love each other and want to be with each other. no, them being apart won't help the BS move on because her xH won't go back to her. so... where does that leave us?

 

You know, like if/when the groom's family pull out the polite "so how did you two meet?" at mm's daughter's wedding.

 

...and? my father & his OW are now married and have been together for many years. when they ask them about how did they meet they tell the truth - we met at our workplace while being on a project together and that's how it all began.

 

trust me - NOBODY EVER asks them were they married or single at the time they met. that ain't nobody's business but their own and when telling their story, i don't see why they should mention that.

 

Or when one of the kids throws the affair out in a teenage tantrum.

 

it will be dealt with just like every other teenage tantrum. just like i threw smoking in my father's face (he is a smoker) when he tried to tell me to stay away from any cigarettes, weed ETC.

 

Awkward family events where both daisy and bs are expected to attend.

 

if Daisy & the BS act normal & civil -- why should it be awkward?

 

So much unnecessary trouble. No man is worth this.

 

well... for the OP - her partner clearly is. she won't give up on him just because it isn't easy.

[usernametaken]

I want to add this before I get to what my neighbor said, you have disrespected her. You disrespected both your marriage and his (as did HE). Every time she sees you, she sees you as someone who stole her life. You will have her children half the time, you have her husband, you will likely be in much better financial shape than she, etc etc etc. Can you not reverse the situation and see how she must feel each time she sees you?

 

Anyway, so I ran into my neighbor who was the OW in Couple B. The one who eventually married her AP.

 

Anyway, I asked her for advice for a "friend" and briefly described your situation. (yes I am that person, one without much of a filter.)

 

Her recommendations:

 

Find a way to separate the kids activities as much as possible. It will not only help the BS but will help the kids once the situation becomes public. (If you aren't willing to make changes with your kids, maybe he is with theirs.)

 

She actually put her middle child in private school about the time her marriage broke up and affair became public. His child went to the public school. Her middle was so angry (I didn't know this) with them and she needed out of the environment of 24/7 with people who knew what her mother had done.

 

They took some time off, she thinks about a year, for him to be a single parent and focus on trying to fix his co=-parenting relationship with his EX as much as possible and to help his kids heal. They didn't live together for many years, long after all but the oldest kids had adjusted. She wasn't in any hurry to be married again. In fact, he threw a surprise wedding for her with very little notice, and she went along and then insisted on a pre-nup (so I guess post-nup) after. She would have been fine with their status quo.

 

Important note, they didn't marry until long after his EX had. Remember my neighbor wasn't in any hurry and didn't think it was necessary. Their lives improved greatly once his Ex was able to move on, not just aromatically, but in a way that allowed her to define her own space. (That is what makes your situation so dang hard. When I shared the details with my neighbor, she said that sounds impossible for the BS (and remember she was the OW.)

 

They never attended each other's kids events, unless their kids were there too. Even after they married, with the exception of milestone type events like graduations, eventually weddings, they keep themselves pretty separate. With the exception of their wedding, they didn't really do "family" pictures. They view their kids as friends with each other much more than siblings. Her oldest two kids were about the same age as your AP's kids, their youngest was about the same as yours. In her case, she has a great relationship with her ex (remember open marriage) and they generally have family dinner type things for the big things like grads.

 

As they hit the teenage years, the kid parties were fewer and if they happened, they were planned by the kids, whosoever house was who supervised and provided food/cake and the invite list was on the kids too.

 

For birthdays, now that the kids are older, if they are in town, they have dinner with the betrayed spouse on their birthday and generally celebrate with my neighbor whenever. Even years, later her husband is very careful to be sensitive to the consequences of his actions.

 

They have been very fortunate about major illnesses and such, but long ago, they made it clear that they were not going to act as a parental unit ever. So if a kid had a broken bone, his/her parent was the one dealing with it with their ex, not the step.

 

 

Several have suggested that perhaps she should move. Without knowing where you live, in my metro area, someone could move 10-15 minutes a way and be in a whole different place with different schools, sports etc. My friend first suggested you should move, but it sounds like that is a no go for you.

 

Knowing that you and he can't suggest it, and again not knowing if this is even a possibility in terms of geography, perhaps she might want to move? He could buy her out of the house and she could move on.

 

Do you think that has been suggested? Kids are resilient and while it might seem like another loss to her, in the end it might be much easier for her to start again.

 

I think you view her as holding the divorce hostage, but the reality is that I imagine she is emotionally paralyzed. You had years to know that you would be splitting your kids (and for whatever reason she didn't take him seriously and you weren't there for those conversations, so you don't know how clear he was) and it sucks if you were blindsided.

 

As fall registration approaches for activities, try to be kind as you plan. Understanding that some things, like the girls softball (?) team are fixed, there is likely come flexibility in the other things. Though as I type I realize that the oldest two aren't the same gender, so they may not overlap.

 

Now that? Is some good advice.

[sandylee1]

By refusing to respect the fact that seeing you triggers her, you are automatically disrespecting her. You are still insisting that the interactions happen or she should have to miss out on her kids' events. That, in and of itself, is disrespectful.

 

. The fact that the BW is triggered by the OP is really an impossible situation for everyone. With regards to saying the OP refuses to respect that the BW is triggered by her - I'd say the biggest disrespect has already happened in having an affair with her husband. As a BW, I wouldn't expect an ounce of respect from a woman who was the OW.

 

Both mothers want to be there for their daughters and I can't fathom why the BW would really expect that the OP wouldn't be there for her daughter. She shouldn't even expect the OP to care how she feels?

 

I don't see how the angry BW can be helped by you at all. She can only begin to heal if she removes herself from the situation. She can't get over the affair with the current level of contact with you.

If I were her, I'd have to move my kids to another school, that way no more issues with dance and softball. That really is torture.

 

I'd expect my WS to realise that this was necessary for me to heal and not to try and argue with this decision.

[ladydesigner]

daisygirl19 I was wondering, were you involved with this family during the EA before the BS found out? Did the kids hang out together?

 

I'm just wondering if she is having a harder time because this is like a double betrayal to her?

[daisygirl19]

daisygirl19 I was wondering, were you involved with this family during the EA before the BS found out? Did the kids hang out together?

 

I'm just wondering if she is having a harder time because this is like a double betrayal to her?

 

Yes, well before. I knew her first, casually and only in group settings. We were never friends, but were definitely acquaintances. We had mutual friends and our daughters were all the same age. I met him close to a year later. The kids hung out together regularly before he and I became involved in any way.

[daisygirl19]

I want to add this before I get to what my neighbor said, you have disrespected her. You disrespected both your marriage and his (as did HE). Every time she sees you, she sees you as someone who stole her life. You will have her children half the time, you have her husband, you will likely be in much better financial shape than she, etc etc etc. Can you not reverse the situation and see how she must feel each time she sees you?

 

Anyway, so I ran into my neighbor who was the OW in Couple B. The one who eventually married her AP.

 

Anyway, I asked her for advice for a "friend" and briefly described your situation. (yes I am that person, one without much of a filter.)

 

Her recommendations:

 

Find a way to separate the kids activities as much as possible. It will not only help the BS but will help the kids once the situation becomes public. (If you aren't willing to make changes with your kids, maybe he is with theirs.)

 

She actually put her middle child in private school about the time her marriage broke up and affair became public. His child went to the public school. Her middle was so angry (I didn't know this) with them and she needed out of the environment of 24/7 with people who knew what her mother had done.

 

They took some time off, she thinks about a year, for him to be a single parent and focus on trying to fix his co=-parenting relationship with his EX as much as possible and to help his kids heal. They didn't live together for many years, long after all but the oldest kids had adjusted. She wasn't in any hurry to be married again. In fact, he threw a surprise wedding for her with very little notice, and she went along and then insisted on a pre-nup (so I guess post-nup) after. She would have been fine with their status quo.

 

Important note, they didn't marry until long after his EX had. Remember my neighbor wasn't in any hurry and didn't think it was necessary. Their lives improved greatly once his Ex was able to move on, not just aromatically, but in a way that allowed her to define her own space. (That is what makes your situation so dang hard. When I shared the details with my neighbor, she said that sounds impossible for the BS (and remember she was the OW.)

 

They never attended each other's kids events, unless their kids were there too. Even after they married, with the exception of milestone type events like graduations, eventually weddings, they keep themselves pretty separate. With the exception of their wedding, they didn't really do "family" pictures. They view their kids as friends with each other much more than siblings. Her oldest two kids were about the same age as your AP's kids, their youngest was about the same as yours. In her case, she has a great relationship with her ex (remember open marriage) and they generally have family dinner type things for the big things like grads.

 

As they hit the teenage years, the kid parties were fewer and if they happened, they were planned by the kids, whosoever house was who supervised and provided food/cake and the invite list was on the kids too.

 

For birthdays, now that the kids are older, if they are in town, they have dinner with the betrayed spouse on their birthday and generally celebrate with my neighbor whenever. Even years, later her husband is very careful to be sensitive to the consequences of his actions.

 

They have been very fortunate about major illnesses and such, but long ago, they made it clear that they were not going to act as a parental unit ever. So if a kid had a broken bone, his/her parent was the one dealing with it with their ex, not the step.

 

 

Several have suggested that perhaps she should move. Without knowing where you live, in my metro area, someone could move 10-15 minutes a way and be in a whole different place with different schools, sports etc. My friend first suggested you should move, but it sounds like that is a no go for you.

 

Knowing that you and he can't suggest it, and again not knowing if this is even a possibility in terms of geography, perhaps she might want to move? He could buy her out of the house and she could move on.

 

Do you think that has been suggested? Kids are resilient and while it might seem like another loss to her, in the end it might be much easier for her to start again.

 

I think you view her as holding the divorce hostage, but the reality is that I imagine she is emotionally paralyzed. You had years to know that you would be splitting your kids (and for whatever reason she didn't take him seriously and you weren't there for those conversations, so you don't know how clear he was) and it sucks if you were blindsided.

 

As fall registration approaches for activities, try to be kind as you plan. Understanding that some things, like the girls softball (?) team are fixed, there is likely come flexibility in the other things. Though as I type I realize that the oldest two aren't the same gender, so they may not overlap.

 

Thank you. You've given me a lot to consider here.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, well before. I knew her first, casually and only in group settings. We were never friends, but were definitely acquaintances. We had mutual friends and our daughters were all the same age. I met him close to a year later. The kids hung out together regularly before he and I became involved in any way.

 

I think the reason she is having an even harder time than most is because you were both acquaintances and your children hung out together before the A. She probably never thought someone within her circle would do this. I'm not trying to bash in any way, just trying to understand why she might still be so angry. I think lots of time and space are necessary for her. Definitely her kids should probably be in therapy too, given it is probably not easy for them to see their mother like this.

 

Have you forgiven yourself daisy? I think that would be helpful to you too

[daisygirl19]

I think the reason she is having an even harder time than most is because you were both acquaintances and your children hung out together before the A. She probably never thought someone within her circle would do this. I'm not trying to bash in any way, just trying to understand why she might still be so angry. I think lots of time and space are necessary for her. Definitely her kids should probably be in therapy too, given it is probably not easy for them to see their mother like this.

 

Have you forgiven yourself daisy? I think that would be helpful to you too

 

I agree with you 100%. We're all in therapy and trying to move on, kids included. She's in a pretty good place right now. She actually called last night when SO and I were eating dinner. She wanted to discuss the divorce settlement and talk about finalizing and filing next week. He said of course, they could choose a time to discuss. She asked if now was a good time, and if he was alone. He simply said "no". She immediately asked "are you with Amy?". But before he could even respond, she said "never mind, I need to stop asking. Let me know when next week is good for you." and that was that.

 

I'm working on forgiving myself, thank you

[HappyNow70]

daisygirl19 - I've read a few of your posts and it seems as though you and I have some similarities. I don't expect anyone to have any sympathy for me. I married my exMM, his x-wife is still very upset years later. The kids are affected by it. I also face the challenge of growing and nurturing a relationship that started with lies and deceit. Anyway, like I said, its hard to post and get any support or advice since what I did was so terribly wrong. I hope things are improving for you.