Best way to handle still angry BS?

[amomwhoknows]

At some point, you (Daisy) have done all you can do. And you have to let the chips fall where they will.

 

As Mini said, her ex was rude and he needs to focus on doing what he can to improve his own behavior. It is important for him to keep in mind that he has you and she has no one. That is a huge issue for many BS and it is a barrier to healing. I understand his desire to not rehash the marriage, it benefits no one. But he can be polite (overly so) in his interactions with her. He had his soft landing, hers has been pretty dang hard.

 

Also, keep in mind, that you can take steps to reduce the drama. How the two of you behave in public (at school events for example) can go a long way to minimizing the negative impact of your togetherness on her. I think my neighbor modeled respectful behavior, not flaunting their relationship and having defined boundaries at school events for example. She and her now husband rarely attended events for each others kids (if their kids weren't involved) except for things like graduation, etc. This wasn't only because of the BS, but it was because who has time for all of that and taking care of your own kids kind of stuff. Plus...

 

One of the ironies in my neighbor's case, is that her husband ended up not being fond of his ex's new man. (He really is a good guy, nothing that I have seen that is objectionable.) They had all boys and I think he never imagined that there would be another man living with his kids. (And his kids really liked him.) Because of the boundaries my friend had modeled, his ex did the same and this has worked out well.

 

They treat each other's kids well, but they are respectful and clear on who the parents are and who the decision makers are. (n fact, once together all the time, my friend discovered that she wasn't so fond of his parenting style. Turns out his ex's style was much more similar to hers.) Over time, this has done the most to restoring civility. From your posts, I know that you are mature enough to manage the complexities of this situation.

[minimariah]

It wasn't his intention to not include her, he simply thought it would be something nice to do with his daughter.

 

it wasn't his intention to hurt his wife or not include her -- he probably didn't even think about her at all (and that's actually way worse than being hurt intentionally). can you imagine your husband surprising your kid and NOT tell YOU about it...? not ask YOUR advice on designs or at least share his excitement with you? her 6th sense was tingling and telling her that the hubby was on his way out... trust me. so her hurt IS understandable.

 

if i were her - i'd be worried, too. i can't imagine my current partner not sharing the details about the plans he has with a kid (and the kid isn't even ours, only his), for example. we're firstly friends - we talk. to do something he is super excited and not tell me about it...? i'd probably dump him.

 

so their communication was doomed, at that point she wasn't close to him or his friend so he didn't share with her something you normally share with your partner. i mean... when you're in love and have a good relationship, you ALWAYS want to say something to each other. always, you want to share what's going on and the excitement and stuff... when you realize your partner is super excited about something he never bothered to tell YOU about it? alarms go off.

 

I don't think he has been at all dismissive.

 

when i say "dismissive" - i don't mean malicious or evil on purpose. i don't think he taunts her on purpose... he just very obviously doesn't care or pay attention to her feelings (focusing just on these two or three scenes you had described so judging from that). justified or not - he is probably also feeling annoyed at her still not letting go & i assume that it does show and she does feel it.

 

and finally -- THIS

 

So I guess I can kind of see how much worse it would be for her to think of things he is doing for me or with me that didn't include her, or things he didn't do for her towards the end of their marriage.

 

is VERY painful. when you see your partner doing with someone else something they never bothered or refused to do with you. it's a lot of pain, a lot. so that's another nail in the coffin for her -- just trying to maybe make it more clear why she STILL can't let go.

 

honestly... things could've gone WAY worse. i'd say you have a pretty good situation & i really do think things WILL improve. you just gotta stay clever, compassionate and calm.

Edited August 13, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

One of the ironies in my neighbor's case, is that her husband ended up not being fond of his ex's new man. (He really is a good guy, nothing that I have seen that is objectionable.) They had all boys and I think he never imagined that there would be another man living with his kids. (And his kids really liked him.) Because of the boundaries my friend had modeled, his ex did the same and this has worked out well.

 

^^

 

had to comment -- this is exactly what is happening in my personal life right now. my xH cannot stand my partner & he actually liked him before... until we moved in & my partner bonded with our kid. LOL.

 

i think every parent gets scared (+ it's a little bit of an ego thing) when the kids attach to someone new. probably everyone who went through blended families felt that at some point.

[SolG]

I don't think he has been at all dismissive. If anything, I think it's been the complete opposite, but that's between them and I stay out of it completely. He's simply gotten to the point where having daily conversations with her about the demise of their marriage, the things that contributed to it (and they're not just limited to me), who he's with, where he is (when he doesn't have the kids), etc. were making things so much worse, for her. They went to counseling over this together and he has addressed it with his therapist as well. All parties suggested he take a harder line and stop engaging in these conversations because they really were making things so much worse for her. Three, six months into the separation, fine. I understood her need to rehash everything over and over again. But after 18 months? There's just no benefit at this point. It helps no one.

 

It's a good thing that they pursued counselling together. But this does raise a point that I'm curious about... Although it's inherently variable, those on the infidelity board repeatedly quote when the BS and WS reconcile that it takes about three to five years for they and their M to heal post-infidelity.

 

What about when there is no reconciliation? Where there are kids there is still a R between the parties... What's a 'reasonable' timeframe in this context for healing, and to expect an xBS and xWS to relate to each other in healthy way? Is it an inherently quicker process if the parties separate and divorce? Or is it an unrealistic expectation that a separated BS will recover quicker than reconciling one?

 

I'd like to hear from those of you who've been there, and what it was like for you at the 18 month mark. And how long it took you to get on an even and accepting keel. I think it might help Daisy to get an inside track on where the BS may be emotionally at this point.

[minimariah]

I'd like to hear from those of you who've been there, and what it was like for you at the 18 month mark. And how long it took you to get on an even and accepting keel. I think it might help Daisy to get an inside track on where the BS may be emotionally at this point.

 

hi, Sol.

 

for me... the hardest thing was moving on from the SITUATION & the feeling of being wronged without receiving "the justice"... if that makes sense. i moved on from my xH and fell out of love in record time, a little less than a year - BUT every now and then i was hit with something that would have reminded me of the level of deception and lies and i'd get angry. eventually, i did move on from the situation and the betrayal itself and the "lack of justice" - it took me around two and a half years.

 

i have to say i'm a really prideful person so i never really had any dramas or confrontations with the xH or his new partner. i was stone cold from the beginning - my defense mechanism and went NC right away (as much as that was possible, of course). so at 18 months mark i was okay & cool, i was even dating at that point... but still with angry moods here and there. STILL very reserved and distanced from the new couple.

 

it's tricky with healing... you think you moved on and healed and then triggers will happen and you'll experience an entire new wave of all of those emotions you thought you moved on from and you're back to the beginning (that's why the BS in the OP situation seems "moody"). it's honestly filled with good and bad moments and with ups and downs. you got those BSs who deal with it far away from the WS's eyes and you got those who can't help themselves and have this need to show how hurt they are and to cause some kind of feeling in the WS... it's like shaking the WS and screaming - can't you see how much you did me wrong?!

 

something like that. it takes time.

[goodyblue]

It's a good thing that they pursued counselling together. But this does raise a point that I'm curious about... Although it's inherently variable, those on the infidelity board repeatedly quote when the BS and WS reconcile that it takes about three to five years for they and their M to heal post-infidelity.

 

What about when there is no reconciliation? Where there are kids there is still a R between the parties... What's a 'reasonable' timeframe in this context for healing, and to expect an xBS and xWS to relate to each other in healthy way? Is it an inherently quicker process if the parties separate and divorce? Or is it an unrealistic expectation that a separated BS will recover quicker than reconciling one?

 

I'd like to hear from those of you who've been there, and what it was like for you at the 18 month mark. And how long it took you to get on an even and accepting keel. I think it might help Daisy to get an inside track on where the BS may be emotionally at this point.

 

At 18 months it was as bad as day 1. It took at least three years for her to be civil. She is still not over it, however. I go out of my way to stay away from anywhere she may be: restaurants she frequents, grocery stores, department stores, her part of the city, you name it. It doesn't really help her but it helps me not have a confrontation.

 

Something that helped was the divorce being finalized. She got a fairly large settlement and I think once she got that she was relieved and stopped panicking so much.

[Civil]

"So far, so good..." is a phrase used by people who know that a situation is risky and things may go horribly wrong at any moment.

 

But do you mean that the children have already experienced, understand and accept the circumstances of you and MM as a couple? If not, they’re not so far.

 

I do understand that this thread is about the BS’s anger. The divorce she didn't want isn’t final yet. She is “still angry”. She hasn’t moved on. Empathy is an aspiration, but on a timetable.

 

That’s pretty straightforward and not uncommon. But this situation is extreme because of the level to which the children were enmeshed in it from its inception. Friends, same school, same teams, same teachers, parents… The potential for lasting damage is real, but the focus keeps returning to the BS’s behavior. Which of course depends partly on the situation her kids are or will be in. See the circle?

 

"We're doing everything in our power not to make this the reality for our kids” vs “I won’t comprise my children’s social and academic situation in order to avoid her”? It’s not about her. It’s about the children. Even if she acts out, the BS won't be the real problem at school. (Anecdotally, I don't recall an instance of the BS drawing attention to herself in my friend’s case. Of course she wasn't around for long, having decided to remove her kids from the minefield.) No, it’s the mortification, anger, and anxiety experienced by the two sets of siblings and the larger community over a long period of time.

 

To succeed at anything, we have to be clear about and honest about the goal, and scrupulous about the execution. None of us can stake out and act on irreconcilable positions without failure. It’s easy to see that in business, but it’s even more pronounced in our personal lives. At the very minimum, success requires that we recognize the gaps between our stated goals and our actions. If we don’t, our children certainly will.

 

I have to paraphrase, but this stuff has to be acknowledged:

 

Our children are always our priority / We chose to risk our children’s well-being, not only within the families, but in their social and academic arena, rather than wait until an unwanted marriage could be dissolved

 

We’re careful and respectful of the BS / The divorce she didn't want isn't final yet, but she is “still angry” and we say it’s time she stopped

 

I know we caused terrible pain for the BS and I don't want to add to that / I won't compromise so far as to miss chaperoning one school dance, even if the risks are painfully obvious

 

(On the "fair to my daughter” argument: I was on the board at my kids' school. We had a rule that parents had to rotate chaperone duties, especially for dances where a parent's presence inhibits the socialization that is the whole point of hosting a school dance. Unstated, but obvious: the kids whose parents want be present every time are likely the very kids who'd benefit from a little independence.)

 

Someone here cited an OW/MM couple who made all the difference by waiting. Considering what’s at stake for the next few decades, a year or two is a terribly small commitment.

 

Better than "So far, so good..."

[minimariah]

What's a 'reasonable' timeframe in this context for healing, and to expect an xBS and xWS to relate to each other in healthy way? Is it an inherently quicker process if the parties separate and divorce?

 

forgot this part -- i think the separated (divorced) BS does indeed move on quickly than the BS in the reconciliation (this is totally just my experience with my own situation & others in my environment).

 

the separated BS already knows that it's over - the marriage is done and there is nowhere to go but forward. the BS in reconciliation still has no idea what will happen next - the doubt is still there, the fear that the WS will eventually leave is still there... the uncertainty makes it hard to live a peaceful life.

 

it really depends on the person - for me, it was far easier to close that door and not deal with him anymore & just remove him from my personal life... than it was to stay and try to work it out, go through all of the doubt and ugly emotions and paranoia. you go through that while separated, too - but with a peace that comes with the final ending... i think. at least it was like that for me and those i know that chose not to reconcile.

[ladydesigner]

hi, Sol.

 

for me... the hardest thing was moving on from the SITUATION & the feeling of being wronged without receiving "the justice"... if that makes sense. i moved on from my xH and fell out of love in record time, a little less than a year - BUT every now and then i was hit with something that would have reminded me of the level of deception and lies and i'd get angry. eventually, i did move on from the situation and the betrayal itself and the "lack of justice" - it took me around two and a half years.

 

i have to say i'm a really prideful person so i never really had any dramas or confrontations with the xH or his new partner. i was stone cold from the beginning - my defense mechanism and went NC right away (as much as that was possible, of course). so at 18 months mark i was okay & cool, i was even dating at that point... but still with angry moods here and there. STILL very reserved and distanced from the new couple.

 

it's tricky with healing... you think you moved on and healed and then triggers will happen and you'll experience an entire new wave of all of those emotions you thought you moved on from and you're back to the beginning (that's why the BS in the OP situation seems "moody"). it's honestly filled with good and bad moments and with ups and downs. you got those BSs who deal with it far away from the WS's eyes and you got those who can't help themselves and have this need to show how hurt they are and to cause some kind of feeling in the WS... it's like shaking the WS and screaming - can't you see how much you did me wrong?!

 

something like that. it takes time.

 

This is very true. While I am still with my WH I am in limbo, but initially it took 2 years to feel mostly healed until I got slammed with False R.

 

But what you said minimariah about the different ways BS's grieve is interesting. I have definitely been more of the type that needs to show how hurt I am, but partly because my WH has been unremorseful. Reconciling is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through, because my offender is my biggest trigger. My offender is also very non empathetic too.

 

I too felt the feeling of being wronged without receiving "the justice." This was the biggest for me to get past. I'm sure most if not all BS's feel this way. I even had a revenge A seeking this justice against my WH years ago after his first indiscretion. His last A I wanted "justice" against the MOW. I thought by putting her name on a website would give me the "justice" I was seeking. Nope not really. I have wrangled with this "justice" thing for so long I think I finally tired myself out. Now looking back I only hurt myself by seeking "justice" when i should have just lived happily for myself and my kids. There is so much I would have done differently in hindsight.

[minimariah]

But what you said minimariah about the different ways BS's grieve is interesting. I have definitely been more of the type that needs to show how hurt I am, but partly because my WH has been unremorseful.

 

oh yeah - the WS's behavior definitely plays a role. it's hard to move on when the person who did you wrong just continued to live happily... without much angst or burden. & of course - you grieve according to your personality.

 

like i said, in my case - i'm a very, VERY prideful person. and my pride was the only thing that kept me from EVER showing my hurt in front of the xH & especially his OW. i only had one moment, that was the D-day - where i let out the pain... other than that? put my armor on, defenses up and handled it pretty cold blooded. my xH actually was the one who wanted to talk and discuss because we were good friends so cutting him off that fast seemed sudden and radical to him, i guess - and we did that. but it was far from the confrontation he really deserved when you think about the amount of unecessary hurt he did.

 

luckily for him, i'm a reasonable person and can communicate rationally about everything... believe it or not.

 

I too felt the feeling of being wronged without receiving "the justice." This was the biggest for me to get past.

 

i think this is the worst part, indeed. without "justice" - there is no peace. it's like someone did your wrong and damaged you and not only that they aren't sorry - but they're also REWARD and are off to a new and happy life.

 

it brings up a lot of negative emotions, questioning life and karma, being angry at the world.... coming out from that particular mess is the hardest. and i think the BS in this case is just getting started with that phase.

[Got it]

Honestly at 18 months she was just getting ramped up. It took him enlisting an attorney as well as us getting married a few years later that really helped turn things. But it was a good 3-4 years, and it still happens now, that she takes pot shots at him if they are together with the kids. Whatever.

 

Basically we make sure she is asked on any areas she should be, informed when needed, and never disrespected to the kids and the rest we ignore her. Each side lives their own lives and the two intersect as little as possible.

 

We hope that will change in the future, we would love to interact more as that would be easier on the kids but it is not worth it if it only creates a negative experience for everyone involved.

 

Our kids are older so that does make it easier though next year will have a few events that may require interaction. We will cross that bridge as needed. Ultimately she is the kid's mom and highly respected for that, but one needs to also have their own boundaries so you aren't a constant whipping boy for just verbal ridiculousness.

 

I think at 18 months the issue is now her's. No state, law enforcement, or therapist, would deem it still open season on the OP and her boyfriend and appropriate to continue with the drama.

[jwi71]

It's a good thing that they pursued counselling together. But this does raise a point that I'm curious about... Although it's inherently variable, those on the infidelity board repeatedly quote when the BS and WS reconcile that it takes about three to five years for they and their M to heal post-infidelity.

 

What about when there is no reconciliation? Where there are kids there is still a R between the parties... What's a 'reasonable' timeframe in this context for healing, and to expect an xBS and xWS to relate to each other in healthy way? Is it an inherently quicker process if the parties separate and divorce? Or is it an unrealistic expectation that a separated BS will recover quicker than reconciling one?

 

I'd like to hear from those of you who've been there, and what it was like for you at the 18 month mark. And how long it took you to get on an even and accepting keel. I think it might help Daisy to get an inside track on where the BS may be emotionally at this point.

 

I was kinda in this boat with one potentially significant deviation - my now xWW didn't want the D, I did.

 

So I think my answer will have to come in two parts.

 

Had my xWW and her then OM moved in and began to truly forge a life it would have been VERY hard for me to accept that another man, not of my choosing/volition (and of a moral compass I would disagree with) would be having regular and routine interactions with my children. It would feel like he had "stolen" them and was infecting them with...nothing good. I distinctly remember those thoughts, in general, and was my greatest fear. I would be forced to share custody with her and by extension him. You cannot grasp how that feels -and I didn't have to face it, just the fear of it. This woman lives it. It is mental h_ll I'm sure. I cannot imagine getting to a place of acceptance anytime soon. Years. At least 3-5. Bare minimum. Even if she does find another man in her life she still has to deal with OP "stealing" and raising her kids. And having to look at it. To hear about via her children. Oh man. Rough. It is beyond anything I can opine. It will require intense family therapy, delicate diplomacy and patience.

 

As for timelines, well, like I said I wanted the D and she did not. I can tell you the first year was h_ll. I had the kids in therapy (as well as myself) and I think it helped. The 18 month was no better. Game-playing. It was maddeningly frustrating. 2 year mark I transitioned from lovers and ONS to a real dating R. It didn't last of course (rebound) and that brought increased BS from the xWW. Lesson was, for me, to be more diplomatic and careful in how I approached the xWW - I learned to lose battles in order to win the war. That is, take a loss of <whatever> to preserve the peace. Picking a fight or causing drama (and by this I mean not avoiding drama - ahem) helps no one - especially when party is still emotionally invested. I do this to this day. If I have to give up a weekend ( take a loss) I do so. I value my kids peace more than some scorecard of right and wrong or fair/unfair. It did slowly get better. I do attribute it to my "taking losses" and avoiding confrontation. 3 year mark was more of the same - but I would say slightly less frequent. 4 year mark it was getting better until I met my now W. Which brought about a spate of BS from the xWW. For the last 4 years (years 4- 8) its still ok. Still have bursts of BS do deal with it. I do wonder if my xWW would ever find another partner if it would help - the whole distraction thing. I did like her last BF but I think it died out - haven't seen or heard of him in months, maybe longer.

 

So, I ignore my xWW as best I can, I let her win the small BS and, overall, I would say its found a comfortable level (with the occasional BS thrown in). Not bad really. My current W has found her way as well - water finds its own level.

 

Short answer, and why I put it down here after the long answer is...kinda a d_ck move (oh well), I would say it took a good 6 years and my second M before it got to a decent level. Slowly improving I would say.

 

Hope that helps.

[sandylee1]

Daisy

 

Does the BW have family that live near her?

I would think they would be a support mechanism for her. But I guess that depends on whether she's from a close family.

 

I'd like to think that between her therapist, family and friends they could help her come up with ways to cope, but that depends on whether she's being honest whether she's being honest with them about how she feels.

 

Some people are able to move on quicker than others. I know that my ex SIL was devastated when she heard my brother was getting married (less than a year after they divorced), but because she is a very proud person she would never show her hurt in public.

 

There were two moms when my kids were in primary school . They were best friends, until it came out that one was having an affair with the others H. The BW had 3 boys and one was best friends with the others son. The WS left his wife for the OW and the OW moved out of the area with the WS.

 

Their lives were more intertwined than what you've described. We always saw the moms together and it would have been awful, plus the BW worked at the school, so it could have got bad. Although she didn't really spread it around and it was only when some moms asked where Tracy was, that she said what happened. She didn't want her boys to feel their dad had left them to be dad to Tracy's kids.

 

I asked her how she got through it and she said them moving was a major factor and although Tracy was her best friend, he was her H and he betrayed her. She said that if it was someone else, it would have been easier, but she focused her rage on him and settled on realising that if he could do that, he wasn't who she wanted and that she was better off without him. The boys aren't so close to him since they found out and she didn't tell them till they were older.

 

She said she didn't just get over it when they left, but her mom was her rock and helped her through it.

 

Oddly enough, the WH became quite upset when she met someone else who moved in and accused her of trying to replace him.

 

Whatever horrible things happen in our lives, we can't rely on others, especially those who have wronged us to help us heal. It's really in her hands to find a way. She needs to get to the thinking of 'if he loved me, he wouldn't have done this' and be positive about a better life.

[cocorico]

I would say it took a good 6 years and my second M before it got to a decent level.

 

Six years isn't always sufficient, nor is another R, sadly. My H's xW has recently acquired a new partner - apparently very similar in looks to my H, and has the same first name - and still has her moments.

 

New partner has a van, and offered to drive H's son's band equipment across the country for a gig (in our part of the country - kid lives on the other side of the country). We'd been invited to the gig months ago, by H's son and his partner, and we got a panicked phone call from son saying xW had found out we were going and had a hissy fit, forbidding her new partner from helping with the band equipment unless son told us we couldn't attend. Son was stressing - hiring a van to transport their stuff was way more than they'd reckoned on, given their ages (insurance costs were huge!) and only one of them had a license, so would have to drive all the way and back, unless they hired a bigger one and took another mate along to help with the driving... Could he borrow some money...? So we said we wouldn't go, let her new partner have his bonding moment, we'll go to another gig somewhere else where it's not an issue.

 

It did rather spoil the gig for the band - we'd invited heaps of people along, and had to let them know we wouldn't be going, so they cancelled too - but at least there was no blood on the walls at the end of the night.

[daisygirl19]

Daisy

 

Does the BW have family that live near her?

I would think they would be a support mechanism for her. But I guess that depends on whether she's from a close family.

 

I'd like to think that between her therapist, family and friends they could help her come up with ways to cope, but that depends on whether she's being honest whether she's being honest with them about how she feels.

 

Whatever horrible things happen in our lives, we can't rely on others, especially those who have wronged us to help us heal. It's really in her hands to find a way. She needs to get to the thinking of 'if he loved me, he wouldn't have done this' and be positive about a better life.

 

Her family is out of state, except for a younger sister who lives close by. She is very close to her family and sees them about once a month though. Her parents are very religious and do not believe in divorce so I'm not sure they have been a great support system for her. I think her siblings have been OK though. She doesn't have many close friends, she is simply not a social person. She is friendly enough at events and in group settings but has no real close relationships. From what I understand, she has always been this way.

 

Your last comment is spot on. THIS is where he is coming from. He has told her countless time, her therapist has told her, and their therapist has told her the same thing - HE cannot be the one to help her heal. I think that he is extremely sensitive to her pain and he walks on eggshells and does A LOT to accommodate her. However, I understand his frustration. She is the first to stir the pot and "create" issues, but she does nothing to resolve them. She has always, and still does, depend and expect him to do it for her. Case in point (not bashing, just citing an example), last night he received 42 texts and 13 phone calls from her. His father picks the kids up from camp every day and either drops them off at his house or hers, depending on who has the kids that day. Yesterday, his dad texted her and told her that he had a major plumbing emergency and wasn't able to drop the kids off to her house immediately after camp, that he had to bring them back to his house (5 minutes from camp). Now, she could have responded directly to his dad and asked when he would be dropping off the kids, or she could have offered to pick them up herself after work if she didn't want to wait for him to finish with the plumbing issue, but instead she calls SO freaking out and asking him to find out when the kids would be home and let her know (she has a good relationship with his dad, there is no issue there). He told her he was in a meeting and asked to please call his dad directly. She didn't like that at all. Was furious about it. The plumbing issue I guess took longer than expected, the kids were getting hungry so they fed the kids and gave them ice cream for dessert, then dropped them off to her house. She went ballistic, calling and texting SO all night about how rude his parents are, how dare they feed the kids dinner and how dare they give them ice cream. SHE had dinner planned and SHE wanted to take them out for ice cream, and they ruined all of her plans. No one knew her plans, she didn't even share them with the kids. She demanded that he call his dad and tell him never to do anything like that again without asking her what her plans are first. WTF does one do with this? How patient is he supposed to be?

[Popsicle]

I'm guessing he is not officially divorced yet. Probably hasn't even filed yet. And this would be the reason W is acting the way she is -they are still married in her eyes and he hasn't officially made it clear to her that it's over, yet he is cheating on her with you. You should be concerned that he hasn't filed yet either, as he may go back to her.

[Popsicle]

Honestly at 18 months she was just getting ramped up. It took him enlisting an attorney as well as us getting married a few years later that really helped turn things. But it was a good 3-4 years, and it still happens now, that she takes pot shots at him if they are together with the kids. Whatever.

 

Basically we make sure she is asked on any areas she should be, informed when needed, and never disrespected to the kids and the rest we ignore her. Each side lives their own lives and the two intersect as little as possible.

 

We hope that will change in the future, we would love to interact more as that would be easier on the kids but it is not worth it if it only creates a negative experience for everyone involved.

 

Our kids are older so that does make it easier though next year will have a few events that may require interaction. We will cross that bridge as needed. Ultimately she is the kid's mom and highly respected for that, but one needs to also have their own boundaries so you aren't a constant whipping boy for just verbal ridiculousness.

 

I think at 18 months the issue is now her's. No state, law enforcement, or therapist, would deem it still open season on the OP and her boyfriend and appropriate to continue with the drama.

 

 

I hope it continues to improve for you, Got it.

[minimariah]

Amy, how does he react in situations like those?

 

how DID he react last night?

does he just do what she says in an effort to NOT upset her any further or does he takes a little more strict stand and tell her to contact the dad on her own (which, i think, in THIS case would be the right way to react)?

 

he should be patient, absolutely. and compassionate and understanding. BUT... when she crosses the line and harrasses him like this (42texts?!) - he should take a more firm stand and CALMLY tell her that he won't put up with it and leave it at that.

Edited August 14, 2015 by minimariah

[sandylee1]

I see. So she couldn't move back to where the majority of her family are even if she wanted to.

 

I know somone who wanted to do this (move back to their hometown) for support from her close knit family, they'd moved because of her H's job, but once they split, she was stuck without her support network and he wouldn't allow her to leave the area because of the kids/custody.

 

That sounds like unecessary drama with the camp pick up. I'd be grateful the in laws were helping out and not behave unreasonably. I mean if the kids were hungry and weren't fed, she'd be complaining about that.

 

I think if your whole life revolves around someone, that's when you really find it hard to heal.

Although, one has to bear in mind the length of the relationship and marriage, in relation to how long it takes to heal as well. Then when you have kids together, you just can't put the person out of your life, as you might like to.

 

A divorced friend says she looks forward to the day all three of her kids can make their way to their dad's house, so she doesn't have to see her Ex. The youngest is 8, so it's several more years to go.

[daisygirl19]

I'm guessing he is not officially divorced yet. Probably hasn't even filed yet. And this would be the reason W is acting the way she is -they are still married in her eyes and he hasn't officially made it clear to her that it's over, yet he is cheating on her with you. You should be concerned that he hasn't filed yet either, as he may go back to her.

 

I am not at all concerned about him going back to her. She is well aware the marriage is over. He filed for divorce, they have been through arbitration and mediation. He has offered a very fair settlement, but the sticking point to finalizing the divorce is the house. He has offered to pay the mortgage until his daughter is out of high school. After that he wants her to either buy him out or refinance to get his name off of the mortgage. She wants him to pay the mortgage for the rest of her life, regardless of whether she remarries or not.

[daisygirl19]

Amy, how does he react in situations like those?

 

how DID he react last night?

does he just do what she says in an effort to NOT upset her any further or does he takes a little more strict stand and tell her to contact the dad on her own (which, i think, in THIS case would be the right way to react)?

 

he should be patient, absolutely. and compassionate and understanding. BUT... when she crosses the line and harrasses him like this (42texts?!) - he should take a more firm stand and CALMLY tell her that he won't put up with it and leave it at that.

 

In the past, he would do whatever she wanted. It was like this during their marriage as well. Now, he's just fed up to be honest. I mean, it's excessive at this point. Last night, he gave her his opinion very kindly - he didn't feel like his parents were in the wrong at all. That got her even more riled up. He told her he understood her being upset and asked her repeatedly what he could do about it. She just kept responding "nothing, you just don't get why it was unacceptable". He agreed that he did not understand, said he was sorry she was upset about it, he just didn't know what he could do about it. After about the 10th phone call and 30th text, he finally said "Enough. I don't see any way to resolve this other than you bringing this up with my dad so he understands the boundaries you want set. There is no point in continuing the conversation with me at this point." He was extremely calm and nice about everything, even while she screamed and ranted and raved.

[daisygirl19]

I see. So she couldn't move back to where the majority of her family are even if she wanted to.

 

I know somone who wanted to do this (move back to their hometown) for support from her close knit family, they'd moved because of her H's job, but once they split, she was stuck without her support network and he wouldn't allow her to leave the area because of the kids/custody.

 

That sounds like unecessary drama with the camp pick up. I'd be grateful the in laws were helping out and not behave unreasonably. I mean if the kids were hungry and weren't fed, she'd be complaining about that.

 

I think if your whole life revolves around someone, that's when you really find it hard to heal.

Although, one has to bear in mind the length of the relationship and marriage, in relation to how long it takes to heal as well. Then when you have kids together, you just can't put the person out of your life, as you might like to.

 

A divorced friend says she looks forward to the day all three of her kids can make their way to their dad's house, so she doesn't have to see her Ex. The youngest is 8, so it's several more years to go.

 

Honestly, even if she wanted to move back to her hometown, he would not agree to the kids being 8 hours away. She wants to remain in the house and I honestly don't think she would even consider taking the kids that far away from him. He is extremely involved and close to his kids and all of the assistance they get with the kids comes solely from his family.

 

I do think her whole life revolved around the four of them. She demanded constant "family time", which never included grandparents or anyone other than the four of them. If she had her way, they would have holed up in the house together and never associated with anyone else outside of school, work and sports. She refused to have his family over or spend time with them outside of birthday parties and the like. This was a very big issue in their marriage.

[sandylee1]

Honestly, even if she wanted to move back to her hometown, he would not agree to the kids being 8 hours away. She wants to remain in the house and I honestly don't think she would even consider taking the kids that far away from him. He is extremely involved and close to his kids and all of the assistance they get with the kids comes solely from his family.

 

I do think her whole life revolved around the four of them. She demanded constant "family time", which never included grandparents or anyone other than the four of them. If she had her way, they would have holed up in the house together and never associated with anyone else outside of school, work and sports. She refused to have his family over or spend time with them outside of birthday parties and the like. This was a very big issue in their marriage.

 

That's what I meant, the kids/him prevent her from moving.

 

On the support from his family......if her family are 8 hours away, they can't really provide the support, even if they wanted to. I have to say in most cases, it's the wife's family who provide more support with the kids. She may feel her family have missed out on that and now she's been 'tossed aside' , having to remain here close to his family.

 

8 hours is quite a distance away and usually the kids get to bond with the grandparents they see most often. So maybe you can see understand a little how this feels for her. The kids being closer to his parents and now the marriage is essentially over, she's stuck here.

 

 

I find women especially put so much into the family (spending not enough time on themselves), then when kids go off to college , they don't know what to do with themselves. It's all well and good having your solemate, but they need to bear in mind that person could let you down and you'll have to stand independently.

 

Family time is good, but there needs to be a healthy balance. Many believe that if either party values the family, then they won't do anything to break it up. Maybe that's where she was coming from.

 

Remember much of what you know is from him and if your ex described your marriage, it wouldn't necessarily be the way you recall it.

 

She works doesn't she? Could she not afford to pay the mortgage on her own after the daughter leaves high school? Or maybe agree a full and final settlement figure?

I would think that her lawyer would advise, if her request to have is him pay the mortage forever is too much. If neither back down this could go on forever.

 

 

 

Just from a visual POV, do you think she'd have trouble attracting men? Because self esteem and confidence are a huge factor.

[Popsicle]

I am not at all concerned about him going back to her. She is well aware the marriage is over. He filed for divorce, they have been through arbitration and mediation. He has offered a very fair settlement, but the sticking point to finalizing the divorce is the house. He has offered to pay the mortgage until his daughter is out of high school. After that he wants her to either buy him out or refinance to get his name off of the mortgage. She wants him to pay the mortgage for the rest of her life, regardless of whether she remarries or not.

 

Well she will lose that battle if she went in front of a judge. If she can't afford the mortgage on her own then the house will be ordered to be sold and any equity split. Perhaps he should let this go to court so a judge can settle this.

[Popsicle]

Interesting story. So why was he unhappy with her and how long were they married?

 

It's always a trip to me when I hear about couples moving into different bedrooms or different parts of the house.