Best way to handle still angry BS?

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry, if this has already been gone over, but are you in the U.S. and are you already divorced or in the middle of it as well? Do you and the MM live together?

 

In the U.S. a Morality Clause is common (as I am sure you would know if you are already divorced) although very difficult to enforce. If she wants to make any noise about it, she'll just have to consider whether you being around her kids is worth her dime and go to her attorney about it.

 

My concern is what she is saying about you to the kids. People who are emotionally compromised tend to say inappropriate things to the children, making things more difficult and confusing.

 

I also agree that you should think twice about vacations, time together, blending the families before his divorce his finalized, but it sounds like that horse has been out of the stable for a while.

[minimariah]

He has told her that. He would prefer I don't answer and let him handle when she contacts him. My concern is that she will see them tonight. He's on his way home from the beach to take his son to a back to school picnic tonight, then they're heading back down right after. I just hope she doesn't bring it up and start ranting in front of the kids.

 

sweetheart, even if she does... that's out of your control & business.

 

you keep taking care of your kids while being a support to your partner & being a friend to his kids. that's the best you can do.

 

whatever mess she plans to do or will do - not your business. it's hard to think that way because it affects your partner and you love him and well... but try to mentally and emotionally to stay out of it.

 

his kids, his ex = his business. that's it.

[daisygirl19]

Sorry, if this has already been gone over, but are you in the U.S. and are you already divorced or in the middle of it as well? Do you and the MM live together?

 

In the U.S. a Morality Clause is common (as I am sure you would know if you are already divorced) although very difficult to enforce. If she wants to make any noise about it, she'll just have to consider whether you being around her kids is worth her dime and go to her attorney about it.

 

My concern is what she is saying about you to the kids. People who are emotionally compromised tend to say inappropriate things to the children, making things more difficult and confusing.

 

I also agree that you should think twice about vacations, time together, blending the families before his divorce his finalized, but it sounds like that horse has been out of the stable for a while.

 

Yes, I am in the US. I am divorced. He has been separated (out of the house for over 18 months). Their divorce is not yet finalized as the house is an outstanding issue in terms of settlement. She does not want to go through the courts, she does not have a lawyer, and I highly doubt she'd come after me in that regard. We do not live together, but I stay at his house when we don't have our kids.

[Ms. Faust]

Yes, I am in the US. I am divorced. He has been separated (out of the house for over 18 months). Their divorce is not yet finalized as the house is an outstanding issue in terms of settlement. She does not want to go through the courts, she does not have a lawyer, and I highly doubt she'd come after me in that regard. We do not live together, but I stay at his house when we don't have our kids.

 

Then it is all the more reason it is best you don't respond to her. Though you may have known the kids and been around them for the last 5 years you are technically a legal stranger to them. Your feelings, and the status of your relationship (even if you and your MM were married) just won't (and shouldn't) be taken to account if it was brought before the courts/judge... that is, if she wanted it to push it in that direction.

 

Hopefully she will get over the anger, though it will probably take years, especially if she was not on page with this divorce.

 

This happened with my SO's grandparents. Grandpa cheated with Grandma's BFF, left Grandma, married BFF. Odd thing is, the three of them never stopped hanging out, and they ALWAYS came together for family events, went Christmas shopping together, out to eat, etc. I don't know how they managed, because Grandma was pissed off through the bitter end, but coping "for the kids" comes in all shapes and sizes, lol.

[MuddyFootprints]

Have you considered how you would reply if you were to respond?

 

I can't think of a single thing you could say to her that would help smooth things over at this time.

 

He needs to be the one having these conversations with her.

[ladydesigner]

I agree your SO needs to communicate with the wife. What she needs to know is that her kids will ALWAYS be her kids and she will always be Mom to them, and not the OW. I think a lot of BS's that get left for the OW feel like their kids are being taken away from them too. It's not rational, but I get it.

 

I don't think she should be communicating with you unless you have interfered in the kids lives in some way. Have you thought of ceasing your communication with her?

[Civil]

During the entire five years that you've spent time at the beach with the still MM and his kids, were you openly identified as his OW?

 

If that's the case, maybe it's not irrational to imagine that joining him and his children there is anything other than aggressive, destructive behavior. And another stunning example of empathy deficit.

 

We haven't gone public. Everyone knows.

While we haven't gone public about our relationship, it's pretty much common knowledge. We were seen together all the time, even when they were married. It was never at all unusual for us to be at a school event or sports event and have someone ask ME where he was, not her. I know that she has told people in the community that we are together.

[Civil]

to Best Way to Make Sure BS is Still Angry!

 

Also hurt. anxious, humiliated...

Edited August 26, 2015 by Civil

[Artie Lang]

i agree with the others... don't respond.

 

your new "BF" should be the one to answer all her questioning. he really needs to step-up in these situations.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Artie Lang

[amomwhoknows]

You vacationed with his kids before? No wonder she is having trouble letting it go. Rubbing it in her face, so soon after the separation, probably not the best strategy.

 

If you were 'strangers' before the affair, and didn't have kids whose lifes mirror each other, all this would be much easier for her.

 

He needs to make this over. He needs to tell her that they are headed to court and to get an attorney. (or take his settlement offer) He needs to put a dollar value on how much longer this can drag on and what kind of legal costs he will incur (cause she is likely to fight) and find some compromise. Just to be done.

 

You shouldn't reply, but you need to "get" that this isn't going away-- no matter what he says to her. And because your lives are so entwined, this is how it is always going to be.

 

She expects you to feel shame (most betrayed spouses don't understand how other women don't feel shame) and you don't. Thus her text to you. She wants you to feel uncomfortable. She wants you to feel bad. Likely, it will be many, many (if ever) years that she feels this way.

 

She expects you to be remorseful, etc. But this is really his shame to bear and his job to be remorseful and she needs to hold him accountable.

Edited August 27, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[usernametaken]

You vacationed with his kids before? No wonder she is having trouble letting it go. Rubbing it in her face, so soon after the separation, probably not the best strategy.

 

They've been separated for 18 months! That's a long time. Long enough that you can take a vacation and introduce to kids.

 

Ignore her.

[goodyblue]

You vacationed with his kids before? No wonder she is having trouble letting it go. Rubbing it in her face, so soon after the separation, probably not the best strategy.

 

If you were 'strangers' before the affair, and didn't have kids whose lifes mirror each other, all this would be much easier for her.

 

He needs to make this over. He needs to tell her that they are headed to court and to get an attorney. (or take his settlement offer) He needs to put a dollar value on how much longer this can drag on and what kind of legal costs he will incur (cause she is likely to fight) and find some compromise. Just to be done.

 

You shouldn't reply, but you need to "get" that this isn't going away-- no matter what he says to her. And because your lives are so entwined, this is how it is always going to be.

 

She expects you to feel shame (most betrayed spouses don't understand how other women don't feel shame) and you don't. Thus her text to you. She wants you to feel uncomfortable. She wants you to feel bad. Likely, it will be many, many (if ever) years that she feels this way.

 

She expects you to be remorseful, etc. But this is really his shame to bear and his job to be remorseful and she needs to hold him accountable.

 

We waited about 10 months before I made the move to his state. It was long enough. We didn't flaunt our relationship for 2 more years and even now I don't go anywhere she could be. When is enough time?

 

OP I would try to avoid her. Block her number, let your guy deal with it. Avoid places she goes. But if she does anything in public should you cross paths you don't have to just take it like a chump. Frankly, their marriage is over and she will have to deal with it at some point. Having the settlement in place has helped but we still get the occasional shi+#y email. We ignore.

 

At some point you have to live your life, no longer worrying about her. She has to take care of herself and so do you. As for the kids... she will always make it an issue and they are the ones to feel sorry for. Just be as loving as possible.

[daisygirl19]

We waited about 10 months before I made the move to his state. It was long enough. We didn't flaunt our relationship for 2 more years and even now I don't go anywhere she could be. When is enough time?

 

OP I would try to avoid her. Block her number, let your guy deal with it. Avoid places she goes. But if she does anything in public should you cross paths you don't have to just take it like a chump. Frankly, their marriage is over and she will have to deal with it at some point. Having the settlement in place has helped but we still get the occasional shi+#y email. We ignore.

 

At some point you have to live your life, no longer worrying about her. She has to take care of herself and so do you. As for the kids... she will always make it an issue and they are the ones to feel sorry for. Just be as loving as possible.

 

Thank you . I have blocked her number. She must have sent another text after I blocked her because she called SO furious asking why I wouldn't respond to her. He told her I would no longer be responding to her period and not to waste her time.

 

Since then, I signed my daughter up for fall softball on another team so she would not have to see me except for the one or two games where the girls would play each other. SO told her as she was ranting about having to see me in a few weeks. Well, two days ago, she switched her daughter to MY daughter's team. I give up...

[Got it]

Thank you . I have blocked her number. She must have sent another text after I blocked her because she called SO furious asking why I wouldn't respond to her. He told her I would no longer be responding to her period and not to waste her time.

 

Since then, I signed my daughter up for fall softball on another team so she would not have to see me except for the one or two games where the girls would play each other. SO told her as she was ranting about having to see me in a few weeks. Well, two days ago, she switched her daughter to MY daughter's team. I give up...

 

She's a nut case that can't let go, recent events are evident of it. Just keep ignoring and she continues then you and your BF may need to threaten her with a restraining order.

 

Sorry, what a pain.

[goodyblue]

Thank you . I have blocked her number. She must have sent another text after I blocked her because she called SO furious asking why I wouldn't respond to her. He told her I would no longer be responding to her period and not to waste her time.

 

Since then, I signed my daughter up for fall softball on another team so she would not have to see me except for the one or two games where the girls would play each other. SO told her as she was ranting about having to see me in a few weeks. Well, two days ago, she switched her daughter to MY daughter's team. I give up...

 

Now THAT would piss me off!! Move your daughter back and don't tell her. If she asks just say she isn't playing.

[daisygirl19]

Now THAT would piss me off!! Move your daughter back and don't tell her. If she asks just say she isn't playing.

 

Regardless of what I do, she will find fault. I've come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do.

[Sub]

I've come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do.

 

Unfortunately, yes.

[amomwhoknows]

Regardless of what I do, she will find fault. I've come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do.

 

You tried. You did all you can do. . And you will, in her eyes, be responsible for breaking up her marriage. Nothing you can do will change that. Tell him to keep his mouth shut in the future about your plans. Not to be led into telling her stuff.

 

Although I do like the idea about switching teams and not telling her. That might teach her something.

 

This is, unfortunately, a look into the future, at least for the short term. I am afraid that she may thrive on the drama and keep it alive as long as possible.

Edited September 3, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[Got it]

I promise, it gets better with time. It is hard to sustain this amount of energy into other people's lives as well as into emotions in general.

[daisygirl19]

I promise, it gets better with time. It is hard to sustain this amount of energy into other people's lives as well as into emotions in general.

 

Thank you. She seems to focus on the "little things". Vacation was issue free. She didn't say one word about my kids and I being there for a few days. She did say something to her kids along the lines of "I'm sorry your dad invited friends down. Vacations should be just family", but that was the extent of it. I'll take whatever I can get

[Sub]

She did say something to her kids along the lines of "I'm sorry your dad invited friends down. Vacations should be just family", but that was the extent of it. I'll take whatever I can get

 

I don't know how I feel about this. I know you and your SO talk about it, and share what's going on. I get that. You're a couple. No secrets. But is him telling you every thing this woman says - not just to him, but now also to his parents and their kids - at all helping you? I mean, you don't want to communicate with her. He doesn't want her communicating with you. But he ends up telling you everything she says anyway.

[daisygirl19]

I don't know how I feel about this. I know you and your SO talk about it, and share what's going on. I get that. You're a couple. No secrets. But is him telling you every thing this woman says - not just to him, but now also to his parents and their kids - at all helping you? I mean, you don't want to communicate with her. He doesn't want her communicating with you. But he ends up telling you everything she says anyway.

 

In this particular instance, his kids told us while we were on vacation.

[Got it]

I don't know how I feel about this. I know you and your SO talk about it, and share what's going on. I get that. You're a couple. No secrets. But is him telling you every thing this woman says - not just to him, but now also to his parents and their kids - at all helping you? I mean, you don't want to communicate with her. He doesn't want her communicating with you. But he ends up telling you everything she says anyway.

 

Having been in a similar experience it is something that the OP and her BF need to decide. In my case, yes I would rather know information so my husband would tell me. Especially if there is stuff that said around the kids I would prefer for him to tell me.

 

So up to the OP but I think personal preference.

[Sub]

In this particular instance, his kids told us while we were on vacation.

 

Fair enough. They just offered up this info on their own, though?

[daisygirl19]

Fair enough. They just offered up this info on their own, though?

 

Yes, they were speaking to her on the phone and when they hung up, his son was a bit upset. SO asked what was wrong and he said "mom is sad for us because there are friends here and she thinks vacations should be family only". I think he was upset because he thought she was talking about HIS friend, who came down and spent two nights with us .