Best way to handle still angry BS?

[Sub]

Having been in a similar experience it is something that the OP and her BF need to decide. In my case, yes I would rather know information so my husband would tell me. Especially if there is stuff that said around the kids I would prefer for him to tell me.

 

So up to the OP but I think personal preference.

 

It is, yes. But my thinking is that it may play into the BS's hands. She probably knows that her STBXH is relaying everything to daisy. So "don't waste your time contacting her" is itself kind of a waste of time. If he's quoting everything she says and sharing it with daisy, whatever message she wants to send is still getting through.

 

Honestly, the SO messed up by telling the BS daisy switched her daughter to another team. She should have just found out when practice started.

[Sub]

I think he was upset because he thought she was talking about HIS friend, who came down and spent two nights with us .

 

Poor kid. I hope your SO clarified that it wasn't.

[daisygirl19]

It is, yes. But my thinking is that it may play into the BS's hands. She probably knows that her STBXH is relaying everything to daisy. So "don't waste your time contacting her" is itself kind of a waste of time. If he's quoting everything she says and sharing it with daisy, whatever message she wants to send is still getting through.

 

Honestly, the SO messed up by telling the BS daisy switched her daughter to another team. She should have just found out when practice started.

 

Well, she was ranting and raving and telling him to move my daughter to another team because it is painful for her to see me. She went on one of her 30+ text/call tirades. He finally snapped and told her she wouldn't have to see me because T was playing elsewhere.

[gettingstronger]

I am not taking sides, nor am I condoning the behavior of the BS- but having been around a long time, having lots of experience with my boys being on sports teams and having been in education forever- I can say, you just have to put the kids first- even if it means not going on vacation with your BF- there is nothing wrong with him vacationing alone with his children- allowing them time with just their father- its not giving in, its putting the kids first-

 

I get that its tricky, life gets tricky- I am saying this without judgement-

 

I remember a family where the xwife HATED the new girlfriend- the bravest, most loving thing I saw was the GF stepping back- she sacrificed time with her BF so that his children could 1. spend time with their Dad 2. not have the kids exposed to all the drama

 

I also recall a Mother that would sit on the visitors side at football games because the Xhusbands new girlfriend was so nasty to her- the Mother sacrificed sitting with us, her friends, so she could see her child play football and not have him later hear about the nasty drama in the stands- one by one most of us Moms would go visit and sit with her a while-

 

In both of the above- the nasty person did not "win"- the children did and the love and grace of the adults willing to sacrifice being "right" was an act of love and character beyond words-

 

Just some thoughts and again, I am not judging your actions- I am just giving you something to think about-

[gettingstronger]

Oh and I also know several families that do two weekends with each parent so that the parents with a new SO with children can also spend at least one of those weekends with just their parent and not with the new SO and their children-

[anika99]

I am not taking sides, nor am I condoning the behavior of the BS- but having been around a long time, having lots of experience with my boys being on sports teams and having been in education forever- I can say, you just have to put the kids first- even if it means not going on vacation with your BF- there is nothing wrong with him vacationing alone with his children- allowing them time with just their father- its not giving in, its putting the kids first-

 

I get that its tricky, life gets tricky- I am saying this without judgement-

 

I remember a family where the xwife HATED the new girlfriend- the bravest, most loving thing I saw was the GF stepping back- she sacrificed time with her BF so that his children could 1. spend time with their Dad 2. not have the kids exposed to all the drama

 

I also recall a Mother that would sit on the visitors side at football games because the Xhusbands new girlfriend was so nasty to her- the Mother sacrificed sitting with us, her friends, so she could see her child play football and not have him later hear about the nasty drama in the stands- one by one most of us Moms would go visit and sit with her a while-

 

In both of the above- the nasty person did not "win"- the children did and the love and grace of the adults willing to sacrifice being "right" was an act of love and character beyond words-

 

Just some thoughts and again, I am not judging your actions- I am just giving you something to think about-

 

 

I agree and I actually usually do sympathize with the BS, however in Daisy's case I'm not sure what to think. I mean the BW was complaining about having to see Daisy at the kids soccer meetings so Daisy switched her kids to another team and then the BW went and signed up her kid to the same team. WTH? Up until this point I sort of understood the BW. I got why seeing her all the time was a trigger for her but when she was given the gift of not having to see Daisy at soccer she went and made sure she would. That sounds like she's (BW) deliberately seeking drama and pain. I don't get that and I find it hard to sympathize with her.

[amomwhoknows]

I think that Daisy was only there for a few days of the vacation, and it sounded like this vacation wasn't far from home. (thus the friend coming just for a night or two and the dad taking the kid back for picnic thing).

That said, regardless of how a blended family is formed, it is essential that each parent have time with their own kids away from the "steps." I too work in education, and even when things are good among all the adults, kids just want some time with their parent. This is actually true of kids in intact marriages as well -- one on one time is pretty dang important.

 

The softball team is just totally nuts. You actually did what you needed to do and she blew it big time. I suspect she is afraid that her husband will attend your child's games or some such thing.

 

At this point you have done all you can do.

 

How is their settlement coming along? I really believe that her healing can't begin until they are divorced. It likely won't begin right away, but it will be the first step for her.

[Ms. Faust]

I think this BS is going to stay resentful. I think she is a lost cause. She sounds like one of those ex wives who would say "I am fine with him being with someone else EXCEPT HER". If it goes to far I would send her an NC letter.

[daisygirl19]

I think that Daisy was only there for a few days of the vacation, and it sounded like this vacation wasn't far from home. (thus the friend coming just for a night or two and the dad taking the kid back for picnic thing).

That said, regardless of how a blended family is formed, it is essential that each parent have time with their own kids away from the "steps." I too work in education, and even when things are good among all the adults, kids just want some time with their parent. This is actually true of kids in intact marriages as well -- one on one time is pretty dang important.

 

The softball team is just totally nuts. You actually did what you needed to do and she blew it big time. I suspect she is afraid that her husband will attend your child's games or some such thing.

 

At this point you have done all you can do.

 

How is their settlement coming along? I really believe that her healing can't begin until they are divorced. It likely won't begin right away, but it will be the first step for her.

 

You are correct. This was a "family vacation", in that his mom, dad, stepmother, sister, sister's fiancee, brother, etc. were all there for the week. We were down the shore, two hours away. My kids and I were invited several months ago, but I was very hesitant to go. As we got closer, I decided to take my kids down for a few days at the end of the vacation as his son had a friend come down for two nights and his daughter asked if my daughter could come down as well. We arrived late Wednesday night and came home Saturday afternoon. BW knew well in advance that we were going. She had plenty of time to oppose. She didn't say a word about it, other than the text she sent me letting me know she did not approve of me being around her kids.

 

Ironically enough, she reached out to him the Sunday after we returned saying that she wanted to sit down and finalize the divorce after their son's birthday (next week). We shall see. We've heard this before. One week she wants it finalized so she can move on (her words), the next week she says she will drag it out as long as she can to prevent him from ever marrying me. She has also said that she hopes I will get tired of waiting and leave him.

[daisygirl19]

I think this BS is going to stay resentful. I think she is a lost cause. She sounds like one of those ex wives who would say "I am fine with him being with someone else EXCEPT HER". If it goes to far I would send her an NC letter.

 

She has said exactly that, on numerous occasions. And I do understand why she feels that way. She is completely hung up on making sure everyone knows SHE does not want this. She never wanted a divorce, she still doesn't - and she makes sure everyone knows it, including the kids.

[daisygirl19]

I agree and I actually usually do sympathize with the BS, however in Daisy's case I'm not sure what to think. I mean the BW was complaining about having to see Daisy at the kids soccer meetings so Daisy switched her kids to another team and then the BW went and signed up her kid to the same team. WTH? Up until this point I sort of understood the BW. I got why seeing her all the time was a trigger for her but when she was given the gift of not having to see Daisy at soccer she went and made sure she would. That sounds like she's (BW) deliberately seeking drama and pain. I don't get that and I find it hard to sympathize with her.

 

Part of me suspects that holding on to the pain, and seeking it out, is her "coping mechanism". As long as she stays fixated on me, she gets to remain the victim, the wronged party, and doesn't have to take any steps to move on with her own life. She is very sheltered, does not have a lot of life experience. Her ex is the only man she has ever been with. He was her first real boyfriend. I think the idea of being on her own is too much for her at this point, and it's easier for her to focus on how wronged she was.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with everyone- the BS is having a hard time and not handling this in the best interest of the kids but I still go back to there is no winning side here-not who is right and who is wrong- if the Mom will not focus on whats best for the kids- the Dad needs to and by extension the OP-

 

Not saying it would be easy, not saying I would do it perfectly- just giving advice in line with the question- now if the BS was on here telling her side of the story- I would tell her to stop the crap, process her hurt and resentment and quit putting the kids in it anymore than they have to be-

[Got it]

It is, yes. But my thinking is that it may play into the BS's hands. She probably knows that her STBXH is relaying everything to daisy. So "don't waste your time contacting her" is itself kind of a waste of time. If he's quoting everything she says and sharing it with daisy, whatever message she wants to send is still getting through.

 

Honestly, the SO messed up by telling the BS daisy switched her daughter to another team. She should have just found out when practice started.

 

Well if no information is coming back to her then it is, to a certain degree, speculation. Obviously some things would be known, i.e. moving the daughter on the team, but outside of that, nada.

 

And there is still definitely a some credence to him saying "don't contact her". Since there is such an overwhelming desire for the contact.

 

It is more starting to put in perimeters with the ex on what is acceptable/allowed and what isn't.

[Got it]

I agree with everyone- the BS is having a hard time and not handling this in the best interest of the kids but I still go back to there is no winning side here-not who is right and who is wrong- if the Mom will not focus on whats best for the kids- the Dad needs to and by extension the OP-

 

Not saying it would be easy, not saying I would do it perfectly- just giving advice in line with the question- now if the BS was on here telling her side of the story- I would tell her to stop the crap, process her hurt and resentment and quit putting the kids in it anymore than they have to be-

 

Absolutely but it is not the father's responsibility to own the BS' behavior and overcompensate for her poor behavior.

 

Again, having dealt with a bevy of temper tantrums and ridiculous behavior, at some point you calmly lay down what is allowed, what isn't and ignore the bulk of things. Don't feed the drama llama.

 

And I disagree on the vacation, we are not talking a few months out, this is almost 2 years. More than reasonable amount of time.

 

No, I think the father should find a father's rights attorney and start looking into parental alienation. My husband had to do that and when the reality of it was spelled out, poof, the bulk of the behavior stopped.

 

I know that it is not desired to hear, but like a couple that has reconciled, the partnership is the primary focus and the outsider has to be given appropriate perimeters. And now the ex is the external party and the partnership is the OP and her BF. That is the reality of the situation.

 

I agree, the kids need to be prioritized and it is a case by case basis on how to handle. We did take it slow, we didn't rush the kids, and I didn't interact with them for the first two years either. But at some point life has to go on and everyone needs to move on including the ex.

 

So we had one on one discussions with the kids on what they wanted to do, allowed them to weigh in on decisions, and also opened the door to therapy to the oldest (in my state if one is a minor both parents have to consent to therapy and my husband's ex would not consent to them going to therapy with him).

 

In our situation, the attorney and actually our getting married was what turned the page and finally ended the drama that was a regular part of life. Now, all in the past, everyone coexists well and the kids are happy and doing well.

[Ms. Faust]

... now if the BS was on here telling her side of the story- I would tell her to stop the crap, process her hurt and resentment and quit putting the kids in it anymore than they have to be-

 

Well I am sure her side of the story would be quite different, lol.

[Got it]

Part of me suspects that holding on to the pain, and seeking it out, is her "coping mechanism". As long as she stays fixated on me, she gets to remain the victim, the wronged party, and doesn't have to take any steps to move on with her own life. She is very sheltered, does not have a lot of life experience. Her ex is the only man she has ever been with. He was her first real boyfriend. I think the idea of being on her own is too much for her at this point, and it's easier for her to focus on how wronged she was.

 

I definitely agree. In my situation there was a lot of control issues. She had had an affair but decided not to leave, she had called a lot of shots and I think, based on things both she and he have said, I believe thought herself to be the more "desirable" individual in their partnership. So his affair, and him leaving, was such a blindside and took the control away. So there was a lot of railing against this and attempts to assert control where ever possible.

 

I saw it with my mom as well in her divorce from my dad. Dead in the water marriage, no fighting the divorce, both quite happy about it until he started dating. And then a cycle of flare ups every time he had a girlfriend. A very apparent case of "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either".

[Sub]

No, I think the father should find a father's rights attorney and start looking into parental alienation. My husband had to do that and when the reality of it was spelled out, poof, the bulk of the behavior stopped.

Based on what, though? In essence, all the BS is doing is getting angry at times - which daisy admits she has a right to be - with the SO. Telling the kids she thinks vacations should be about family isn't necessarily manipulative, IMO. Especially when, per daisy, she didn't really raise a stink about them being there with her. I think that would be a hard sell here.

[daisygirl19]

I definitely agree. In my situation there was a lot of control issues. She had had an affair but decided not to leave, she had called a lot of shots and I think, based on things both she and he have said, I believe thought herself to be the more "desirable" individual in their partnership. So his affair, and him leaving, was such a blindside and took the control away. So there was a lot of railing against this and attempts to assert control where ever possible.

 

I saw it with my mom as well in her divorce from my dad. Dead in the water marriage, no fighting the divorce, both quite happy about it until he started dating. And then a cycle of flare ups every time he had a girlfriend. A very apparent case of "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either".

 

This is a great point, thank you. She definitely called all of the shots. They lived very separate lives, which she always seemed quite happy with - as long as he was coming home at the end of the day. She didn't want him in her bed, but she wanted the appearances of a perfect family kept up. She is not the most social person. She is quite shy and sheltered, but it comes across as self righteous and snobby - which I don't think she is. It's just the vibe she gives off. But, because of this, and because she doesn't handle herself well in social situations, she doesn't make or keep friends easily. She is the ultimate victim - everything is an attack on her personally, everyone is out to get her. She is almost paranoid about it. I know that it weighed SO down during the course of their marriage. His family as well. Still, no matter what problems they had in their marriage, she was completely blindsided, and he has to assume some of the blame. He basically checked out long ago and gave in to every one of her wants and demands. No he has made a decision, and stuck with it, that she doesn't like, she simply doesn't know how to handle it.

[daisygirl19]

Based on what, though? In essence, all the BS is doing is getting angry at times - which daisy admits she has a right to be - with the SO. Telling the kids she thinks vacations should be about family isn't necessarily manipulative, IMO. Especially when, per daisy, she didn't really raise a stink about them being there with her. I think that would be a hard sell here.

 

No, he would never do that. While it may not seem manipulative, I honestly do believe that is exactly her intention. I've seen her do it with his family as well. Regardless of her intention though, it negatively affects the kids.

[minimariah]

Based on what, though? In essence, all the BS is doing is getting angry at times - which daisy admits she has a right to be - with the SO. Telling the kids she thinks vacations should be about family isn't necessarily manipulative, IMO. Especially when, per daisy, she didn't really raise a stink about them being there with her. I think that would be a hard sell here.

 

she already did that before - everything is cool & peachy and then she starts ranting at the very last minute. i remember the OP describing that scene with their kids dance. the BS knew about it and wanted to be the chaperone and the OP to back out at the very last minute.

 

so it's a pattern.

 

& her telling them that the vacation should be about the family only is manipulative, come on. that was clearly used against the OP and her kids being there.

[Sub]

She is the ultimate victim - everything is an attack on her personally, everyone is out to get her. She is almost paranoid about it.

And he played right into that by ending up with the person she thought was a threat to her M. It definitely sounds like she has her issues. I think over time he may have enabled her a bit, too. But you have to admit: she was kind of right on this one.

[daisygirl19]

And he played right into that by ending up with the person she thought was a threat to her M. It definitely sounds like she has her issues. I think over time he may have enabled her a bit, too. But you have to admit: she was kind of right on this one.

 

No argument from me on this one.

[daisygirl19]

she already did that before - everything is cool & peachy and then she starts ranting at the very last minute. i remember the OP describing that scene with their kids dance. the BS knew about it and wanted to be the chaperone and the OP to back out at the very last minute.

 

so it's a pattern.

 

& her telling them that the vacation should be about the family only is manipulative, come on. that was clearly used against the OP and her kids being there.

 

Definitely a pattern...

[Sub]

& her telling them that the vacation should be about the family only is manipulative, come on. that was clearly used against the OP and her kids being there.

 

For all we know, it may have been something she said to the kids before. Heck, my W and I say similar things about vacation. It's pretty tame, IMO. And even if it was manipulative on her part: the SO had his xAP/GF join them on vacation. You think she's going to take being accused of manipulation for saying something like that lying down? Legally, at least?

[minimariah]

And even if it was manipulative on her part: the SO had his xAP/GF join them on vacation. You think she's going to take being accused of manipulation for saying something like that lying down? Legally, at least?

 

not sure -- she might. when she understands what CAN happen... she just might. it could shake her up & force her to calm down. you never know - besides, i think there was another situation where she DID calm down after being threatened or something along those lines.