Best way to handle still angry BS?

[daisygirl19]

That's what I meant, the kids/him prevent her from moving.

 

On the support from his family......if her family are 8 hours away, they can't really provide the support, even if they wanted to. I have to say in most cases, it's the wife's family who provide more support with the kids. She may feel her family have missed out on that and now she's been 'tossed aside' , having to remain here close to his family.

 

8 hours is quite a distance away and usually the kids get to bond with the grandparents they see most often. So maybe you can see understand a little how this feels for her. The kids being closer to his parents and now the marriage is essentially over, she's stuck here.

 

 

I find women especially put so much into the family (spending not enough time on themselves), then when kids go off to college , they don't know what to do with themselves. It's all well and good having your solemate, but they need to bear in mind that person could let you down and you'll have to stand independently.

 

Family time is good, but there needs to be a healthy balance. Many believe that if either party values the family, then they won't do anything to break it up. Maybe that's where she was coming from.

 

Remember much of what you know is from him and if your ex described your marriage, it wouldn't necessarily be the way you recall it.

 

She works doesn't she? Could she not afford to pay the mortgage on her own after the daughter leaves high school? Or maybe agree a full and final settlement figure?

I would think that her lawyer would advise, if her request to have is him pay the mortage forever is too much. If neither back down this could go on forever.

 

 

 

Just from a visual POV, do you think she'd have trouble attracting men? Because self esteem and confidence are a huge factor.

 

You would think, but not the case. Her parents travel to PA once a month and stay for 4-5 days at a time. She is very close to her family and she travels to OH once every 2 months for a long weekend. Their kids are FAR closer to her family than his. All major holidays, all vacations are spent solely with her family. The only holiday he refused to give on was Christmas. Once they had kids, they would alternate Christmases in OH. On off years, her family would travel here.

 

Yes, she does work. I'm not sure if she could afford the mortgage and upkeep/maintenance on the house on her salary alone. Of course, he would continue to financially support the kids, so maybe it would be possible, but I don't know enough about her finances to say for sure. The mediator and arbitrator have both advised that no court will agree to her demands where the house is concerned but so far, this is the only remaining settlement issue.

[daisygirl19]

Well she will lose that battle if she went in front of a judge. If she can't afford the mortgage on her own then the house will be ordered to be sold and any equity split. Perhaps he should let this go to court so a judge can settle this.

 

Very true. He is trying very hard to settle this without going before a judge, simply because of the costs associated with it. He has given on so many issues, but isn't willing to budge on this one. Her financial situation has not changed AT ALL since he moved out. He pays 100% of the mortgage and all of the upkeep maintenance on the house, as well as support for the kids. If anything, she's better off financially since they split.

[Ms. Faust]

I am not at all concerned about him going back to her. She is well aware the marriage is over. He filed for divorce, they have been through arbitration and mediation. He has offered a very fair settlement, but the sticking point to finalizing the divorce is the house. He has offered to pay the mortgage until his daughter is out of high school. After that he wants her to either buy him out or refinance to get his name off of the mortgage. She wants him to pay the mortgage for the rest of her life, regardless of whether she remarries or not.

 

Yeah that lifetime mortgage thing ain't happening, lol. But they always say in divorce to shoot for the stars. His offer actually seems reasonable enough.

[daisygirl19]

Interesting story. So why was he unhappy with her and how long were they married?

 

It's always a trip to me when I hear about couples moving into different bedrooms or different parts of the house.

 

I'm not sure he was ever "really" happy. From his side, and his families' side, no one really understands why they married aside from it being the next logical step in their relationship. In total, they were together for 22 years, married for 13 I believe. It took him a long time to commit to marrying her. To hear his camp tell it, he had no real reason to end the relationship, even though he was never really wildly in love with her, so he just went with the flow of things.

 

They are very different people and always have been. It's not as if one party changed drastically over time. As I mentioned before, they really did things as a couple. He would go out regularly, spending time with friends and family, she chose not to be a part of it. I think that was a big issue in their marriage. She is a very needy person and he is very independent. She had very strong ideas of what husband and wife roles were and that was an issue as well. For instance, she felt that it was his job to put gas in her car and would be furious if it went below a quarter of a tank and she had to stop for gas herself. She would never take out trash or maintain the outside of the house. Her job was to cook and clean the inside and raise the kids. End of story. Another big source of contention. I think one of the the biggest issues was family. Hers always took precedence. His family was excluded completely when hers were in town. Holidays were never shared with his family. She never got along with his mother and would actually refuse to allow her in the house if she stopped by uninvited. The list goes on and on...

 

He moved out of the bedroom and onto the 3rd floor of their house years ago. The kids obviously were aware mommy and daddy didn't share a bed and they were never affectionate with one another. They both admitted to a sexless marriage (maybe twice a year since their daughter was born). He begged her to seek help about it early on, she refused and he eventually resigned himself to it.

[minimariah]

Family time is good, but there needs to be a healthy balance. Many believe that if either party values the family, then they won't do anything to break it up. Maybe that's where she was coming from.

 

i totally understand the BS point of view - but she clearly didn't find a husband that SHARES that view. you got two folks who view handling family & marriage totally different.

 

Amy -- your partner handled it well. i'd take a more firm stand if i was him. by more firm stand, i mean this - block her for that day or don't pick up the phone when she calls. he should answer at the first call, tell her that she should take it with the grandpa & that he won't bother with her calls anymore and that he won't actually allow her to harrass with 40+ texts and calls. if she calls again? ignore her until she gets the message.

 

it's a difficult situation but at every point he needs to stay calm and composed. never ever lose the control, no matter how hard it is.

 

unfortunately, you'll have a thousand more situations like this so... be prepared.

[daisygirl19]

Just from a visual POV, do you think she'd have trouble attracting men? Because self esteem and confidence are a huge factor.

 

She is extremely attractive and physically fit. She works out regularly and takes pride in her appearance. I can't imagine her having any trouble attracting men.

[minimariah]

Amy, how old were they when they got together...?

i assume they were both young when they started dating, in early twenties? am i right?

[daisygirl19]

Amy, how old were they when they got together...?

i assume they were both young when they started dating, in early twenties? am i right?

 

Yes, they met his 3rd/her 2nd year of college, but she went home for the summers in OH and for all major holidays, so it was more of a casual relationship, in his mind. She views it differently. They didn't start seriously dating (again, in his mind), until she graduated three years later.

[amomwhoknows]

It sounds like she is stuck in a big way, not that I expect her to be happy with him (or you) or her situation, but she seems stuck in panic mode.

 

I wonder if keeping the house is more of a "burden" than she can handle, given her thoughts on chore division. Of course, they are long past the point of having a civil discussion, so he can't talk to her about it.

 

I sense a level of panic (like w/ the situation that you described with his father) that indicates to me that she simply doesn't think she can do this alone. Thus the need for control.

 

Your description of her reminds me of older widows I have worked with who had zero responsibility for many things at home. Their panic in having to pay bills, maintain house etc was understandable. They hadn't done it before and all of a sudden they have to. I suspect that in her case she is resentful and possibly overwhelmed. And lashing out (as many widows/widowers do)

 

It is a shame that she not only doesn't have a cheering section (girlfriends to root for her and against him) that can push her forward but I am guessing that her parents are actually encouraging her to "fight" the divorce etc and that isn't helpful. Most of my friends, regardless of the causes of divorce, have a crew of folks pulling/pushing them through. Per your description, I am guessing that she doesn't have divorced friends to compare notes with.

 

Additionally, I am guessing that she has no one to vent to when she things something is wrong. That is a lot pent up frustration and it spills out onto him.

 

At some point, his only option is going to be to go to court and before he does that he will have to be comfortable with the fact that his kids may have to move. Or perhaps the threat alone will get her to settle.

 

Editted to add, Amy, you have to realize that this might not get better any time soon even once they are divorced. That he has to deal with her because she is the mother of theirchildren and while he can have boundaries, he can't block all communication and they will be in the same places often (unless he opts out if it isn't his time and even then she may show up places when it is his time). You have to decide if this is something you can handle in the long run. You have to accept this as a condition of being with him and the impact it may have on your kids.

 

I

Edited August 14, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[Summer Breeze]

Oh please my kids would have nothing to do with the OW

 

My stepkids are very close to me now and look at me as their fathers wife, not his OW. They were adults and people here scream from the rafters that no kids will ever accept the new R and certainly never the new W. We're mere mortal so I know we didn't do anything magical.

 

Total respect to my Hs xW because she's involved herself in their lives and given them the freedom to accept me/us or not.

 

OP I know what you're feeling and what you're saying. I think you've given space when needed and that's great. I do agree it may be time to put some gentle boundaries into place. This is for the kids from both sides as well as yourself. You might find if you're putting boundaries in place your MM may step up a little.

[minimariah]

Yes, they met his 3rd/her 2nd year of college, but she went home for the summers in OH and for all major holidays, so it was more of a casual relationship, in his mind. She views it differently. They didn't start seriously dating (again, in his mind), until she graduated three years later.

 

i think another poster nailed it in some previous posts -- she's probably going through huge panic & stress of living a single life and breaking up her (i assume) 1st serious relationship.

 

not much you can do about it, unfortunately... or your partner - it's really on her to deal with her issues. until then, sweetheart... arm yourself with a lot of patience. it is what it is. your partner should definitely put up a firm boundary, not in a rude way but in a "i won't put up with your tantrums" way.

 

continue to be a support to him and focus on your kiddos and that's it. you've been handling it well so far. best of luck to all of you!

[Summer Breeze]

She only wants to make things better to assuage her guilt.

 

What she needs to do is stop caring about placating the emotional needs of a person who can't be placated (because OP destroyed her life, sorry to say).

 

When my xH had an A it wasn't his OW that destroyed my life. It was him. He stood before all of our friends and family and promised me everything. He had an A and he took it all away from me.

 

He had an A and that is what destroyed what my world was then. It had nothing to do with who he had an A with. It didn't destroy my life. I took many deep breaths, took my young D and built something better than ever. It rocked my world but it would only have destroyed my life if I'd let it.

 

The OP isn't looking to placate anything. It's pretty clear to me she's looking to change her own behavior to make things run smoothly and that doesn't mean she has to placate the BS.

[sandylee1]

She is extremely attractive and physically fit. She works out regularly and takes pride in her appearance. I can't imagine her having any trouble attracting men.

 

In that case she'd be better letting go and find someone else without wasting time. I guess I'm quite simplistic on these things and don't like to cry over split milk.

 

I know some BW have gained lots of weight and have no confidence, wondering if anyone else will find them attractive.

 

I just don't understand spouses refusing to address the issue when the other raises it. My ex SIL did this. My brother kept on trying to fix it, but she had it in her head that he'd never leave because my two sisters and my other brother are all married and there's no divorce (until them ) in our family.

 

She didn't want to get divorced, but she didn't want to fix things either. My brother moved out and filed for D as soon as he could.

[minimariah]

I just don't understand spouses refusing to address the issue when the other raises it.

 

who knows.

 

there are always 3 sides to the story --- his, hers & the truth. maybe your SIL's side of the story is or would be totally different...

 

i think those who are confronted with the problem but don't want to fix it, in reality want to leave the marriage but don't want to be alone either. it's like "too good to leave but too bad to actually give it a shot" type of situation.

 

and yeah, then you have those who think they have time and that things aren't "that hard" & take it easy... while they are taking it easy, the other side is already on their way out.

 

and to be TOTALLY honest... i don't get folks who are scared that no one will want them now that they've divorced. like, so what? sharing a life with someone you love is a great thing but you can have an amazing life without it, too.

 

some just NEED another person to fulfill them - when the point is for that person to SHARE your already fulfilled life.

[sandylee1]

who knows.

 

there are always 3 sides to the story --- his, hers & the truth. maybe your SIL's side of the story is or would be totally different...

 

Mini,

 

I would generally agree with this, but I didn't want them to split so

I (as I'm close to her) spoke to her and she agreed with everything) my brother said, but she did say he should have told her he wasn't happy earlier. He told her after being unhappy for 3 years or so. It was typical conflict avoidance on his part and just hoping things would improve.

 

She didn't do anything to address his complaints, at least not enough.

 

There are a lot of people unhappy in their marriages, like many MM described here, but too many people don't do anything about it. I'm not one to say MM is lying about being unhappy, because I know it happens, but I would insist they seperated with a view to file before dating one. If they can't get themselves out of an unhappy marriage, I wouldn't be part of it.

 

One person thinks the marriage is good and the other isn't happy. Communication is important.

 

My brother was very clear that he was getting divorced, because he did not want to have an affair and he wanted to find love with someone else. If everyone who was unhappy got divorced rather than have an affair it would be so much better.

 

He didn't have a relationship until after he told her the marriage was over.

 

Sorry for the slight t/j Daisy

[Got it]

I hope it continues to improve for you, Got it.

 

Popsicle, things are really good, thanks. Everyone respects each other's space, no interference with the kids, and since everyone is an older teen or young adult we just interact with them.

 

While we would love more interaction it isn't like there is any drama or anything any more. It is completely neutral now which is great for all sides! It is just more parallel parenting than preferred. But all the drama, etc. are long gone.

 

It has been so long since an argument or fighting over text that I can't remember the last one.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, things are really good, thanks. Everyone respects each other's space, no interference with the kids, and since everyone is an older teen or young adult we just interact with them.

 

While we would love more interaction it isn't like there is any drama or anything any more. It is completely neutral now which is great for all sides! It is just more parallel parenting than preferred. But all the drama, etc. are long gone.

 

It has been so long since an argument or fighting over text that I can't remember the last one.

 

I am glad to hear that.

[daisygirl19]

It sounds like she is stuck in a big way, not that I expect her to be happy with him (or you) or her situation, but she seems stuck in panic mode.

 

I wonder if keeping the house is more of a "burden" than she can handle, given her thoughts on chore division. Of course, they are long past the point of having a civil discussion, so he can't talk to her about it.

 

I sense a level of panic (like w/ the situation that you described with his father) that indicates to me that she simply doesn't think she can do this alone. Thus the need for control.

 

Your description of her reminds me of older widows I have worked with who had zero responsibility for many things at home. Their panic in having to pay bills, maintain house etc was understandable. They hadn't done it before and all of a sudden they have to. I suspect that in her case she is resentful and possibly overwhelmed. And lashing out (as many widows/widowers do)

 

It is a shame that she not only doesn't have a cheering section (girlfriends to root for her and against him) that can push her forward but I am guessing that her parents are actually encouraging her to "fight" the divorce etc and that isn't helpful. Most of my friends, regardless of the causes of divorce, have a crew of folks pulling/pushing them through. Per your description, I am guessing that she doesn't have divorced friends to compare notes with.

 

Additionally, I am guessing that she has no one to vent to when she things something is wrong. That is a lot pent up frustration and it spills out onto him.

 

At some point, his only option is going to be to go to court and before he does that he will have to be comfortable with the fact that his kids may have to move. Or perhaps the threat alone will get her to settle.

 

Editted to add, Amy, you have to realize that this might not get better any time soon even once they are divorced. That he has to deal with her because she is the mother of theirchildren and while he can have boundaries, he can't block all communication and they will be in the same places often (unless he opts out if it isn't his time and even then she may show up places when it is his time). You have to decide if this is something you can handle in the long run. You have to accept this as a condition of being with him and the impact it may have on your kids.

 

I

 

She is actually completely capable of paying bills (she handled them while they were married) and she's capable of maintaining the house. She simply doesn't think she should HAVE to do those things, because she didn't ask for him to leave. She believes that her life should not have to change in any way because it wasn't her choice. Honestly, she's really proven herself to be way stronger than he even expected her to be over the last year or so. She now takes out the trash and mows the lawn, she gets her own oil changed, etc. The only time she has called him to have him come help in the last 6-9 months was to install the a/c units, trap a mouse in the basement, and when there was a problem with the water heater - all valid reasons

 

In terms of having divorced friends, she has completely cut people out of her life over the five + years that I have known her simply because she thinks divorce is wrong and didn't want to surround herself with divorced people. She demanded that we (SO and I) end our friendship immediately when she found out I was filing for divorce. Obviously, that didn't happen. She does have one close friend now who is in the process of going through a divorce, so clearly she has changed her tune.

[daisygirl19]

Very short and to the point. Just said " I don't approve of you around my kids". I know this is a difficult week for her as SO is on vacation with the kids and his family. My kids and I are heading down tonight and staying through Sunday (we have done this in past years). She had plenty of notice that my kids and I would be going down, but I guess since we're now at that point, she is freaking out a little bit.

 

Question is, do I respond? If I don't, she'll hound SO nonstop asking why I won't speak to her (he is fine with this, as he sees this is as his issue to deal with). If I do answer, who knows where it will lead.

[eye of the storm]

Don't respond. Let him respond.

 

If you engage you open the door.

[Clay]

I think i would suggest you avoid being around her kids. Taking her man is one things people get really different when it comes to kids and you are putting yourself and your kids at risk if you get to close.

 

Good luck.

[minimariah]

Question is, do I respond? If I don't, she'll hound SO nonstop asking why I won't speak to her (he is fine with this, as he sees this is as his issue to deal with).

 

nope.

 

let her "hound" your SO - after all, that's HIS soon to be ex wife.

 

i do understand you want to help him & be a support but don't get involved into that mess... be patient and ignore her completely. he should absolutely be the one to deal with her -- i suggest him talking to her, sitting down with her and telling her that you will be around the children and that's something she'll have to learn how to accept.

 

nothing good will come out of you responding. if she has a problem with you being around her kids, she should take that to her soon to be ex husband. simple as that.

 

i also do not recomment that you don't go for that vacation - i really think it's time for the two of you to draw some firm boundaries. if you bail out now, she'll continue to do it. show her she really has no choice but to adapt.

Edited August 26, 2015 by minimariah

[daisygirl19]

nope.

 

let her "hound" your SO - after all, that's HIS soon to be ex wife.

 

i do understand you want to help him & be a support but don't get involved into that mess... be patient and ignore her completely. he should absolutely be the one to deal with her -- i suggest him talking to her, sitting down with her and telling her that you will be around the children and that's something she'll have to learn how to accept.

 

He has told her that. He would prefer I don't answer and let him handle when she contacts him. My concern is that she will see them tonight. He's on his way home from the beach to take his son to a back to school picnic tonight, then they're heading back down right after. I just hope she doesn't bring it up and start ranting in front of the kids.

[Ms. Faust]

Very short and to the point. Just said " I don't approve of you around my kids". I know this is a difficult week for her as SO is on vacation with the kids and his family. My kids and I are heading down tonight and staying through Sunday (we have done this in past years). She had plenty of notice that my kids and I would be going down, but I guess since we're now at that point, she is freaking out a little bit.

 

Question is, do I respond? If I don't, she'll hound SO nonstop asking why I won't speak to her (he is fine with this, as he sees this is as his issue to deal with). If I do answer, who knows where it will lead.

 

Don't respond, it just opens up a can of worms, and wouldn't help with your future relationship with her. Let her take it up with the courts if she doesn't approve.

[daisygirl19]

I think i would suggest you avoid being around her kids. Taking her man is one things people get really different when it comes to kids and you are putting yourself and your kids at risk if you get to close.

 

Good luck.

 

I've been around her kids for the last 5 years.