Best way to handle still angry BS?

[minimariah]

Now she has to deal with her directly.

 

that is the thing -- she doesn't and she shouldn't. it is on her to stay respective & polite but it is on her SO to deal with THEIR children & co-parenting.

 

OP, you will just have to develop a thicker skin and learn how to deal with it. She's the mother of his kids. She's always going to be there.

 

she'll be there until the kids are of age and adults, really. when the kids are... 25, for example -- no need for co-parenting or communication of any kind. they will build their relationship with each parent separately & the parents will probably only see each other on weddings/family gatherings/things like that. and at that point, they can't demand for the other part to NOT show up anymore.

[minimariah]

Not necessarily. The more she continues to behave badly,mother more likely it is her kids will want nothing to do with her in the future.

 

this is actually highly UNlikely. if the kids end up hating anyone, it won't be their mother -- for breaking that bond you gotta have a detached and an abusive mother from the scratch (i don't think that's the case here) + a father & his new partner encouraging the kids to abandon the mother (again, not the case here).

 

in reality -- the OP will have to see her every once in a while even when the kids are grown... at the kids wedding, for example... & other functions.

[Furious]

I have no problem with her being there. I never once said I did. The kids are not an issue. Her son was great at the dance, and every time I see him. I never once approached him, or her at the dance. I was there to chaperon.

 

 

You certainly have a problem with her being a chaperone for the one dance her son attended without your presence there. It's your turf and you wouldn't budge and give her this one night there with her son.

 

I find it ironic that the kids are chaperoned but in this case it should be adults that are in greater need of being chaperoned. Seriously, what's the worst these little 10 and 11 year olds could do at a school dance, maybe steal an awkward kiss or say the "f" word.

 

Me thinks the kids are better behaved than the adults.

[Sub]

But universalisms such as claiming "she's *always* going to be there" are unhelpful, because she might, or she might not. The OP needs to consider the specifics of her own situation, beyond platitudes which may or may not have relevance. Putting an alternative perspective is as relevant as posting a platitude.

 

Well, let's say this, then: Most likely, she will be in their lives for a long time. She hasn't embarrassed them or gone full guano. Yes, she could. But I think daisy is moving forward under the relatively safe assumption that the BW isn't going anywhere. So to her original question/point, she's trying to figure out how best to handle it on her end. Because I think we can all agree that it would be best for the kids if all parties involved were moving on in a healthy way, and a healthy BW is good for the kids.

[ladydesigner]

Not necessarily. The more she continues to behave badly,mother more likely it is her kids will want nothing to do with her in the future.

 

Oh please my kids would have nothing to do with the OW

[daisygirl19]

You certainly have a problem with her being a chaperone for the one dance her son attended without your presence there. It's your turf and you wouldn't budge and give her this one night there with her son.

 

I find it ironic that the kids are chaperoned but in this case it should be adults that are in greater need of being chaperoned. Seriously, what's the worst these little 10 and 11 year olds could do at a school dance, maybe steal an awkward kiss or say the "f" word.

 

Me thinks the kids are better behaved than the adults.

 

No. Once again, my issue was bailing on my obligation less than 24 hours prior because she decided on a whim she wanted to attend. I have no issue with her attendance but I do not feel I should have had to find a replacement at the last minute to accommodate her not wanting to attend with me there.

[daisygirl19]

well, let's say this, then: Most likely, she will be in their lives for a long time. She hasn't embarrassed them or gone full guano. Yes, she could. But i think daisy is moving forward under the relatively safe assumption that the bw isn't going anywhere. So to her original question/point, she's trying to figure out how best to handle it on her end. Because i think we can all agree that it would be best for the kids if all parties involved were moving on in a healthy way, and a healthy bw is good for the kids.

 

^^^this^^^. Thank you.

[minimariah]

You certainly have a problem with her being a chaperone for the one dance her son attended without your presence there.

 

i think it's about the obligation. if i was asked, i wouldn't bail either. maybe if she had asked sooner -- the OP would stepped back.

 

i really think Daisy is coming from a good place here, trying to move on & see what's the best that she can do in this situation.

[ladydesigner]

I feel really sorry for the BS in this situation. Her world has been blown to bits, she has to figure out how to put her life back together, while the one's who have destroyed her life are sitting there tapping their toes...waiting for this poor woman to move on. Infidelity was one of the worst things to have happened to me, worse than being molested by my brother. This is something I may never get over. So far 3 years later and I am still with my WH and I haven't gotten over it. My dad hasn't gotten over my mom's 3 affairs it's been 30 years.

 

The OW come on here always basking in how the BS acts post Dday or how she acts post divorce because she lost her husband to the mistress. It's all bad. There is no good in this story for anyone but you and your MM.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I think daisy is moving forward under the relatively safe assumption that the BW isn't going anywhere. So to her original question/point, she's trying to figure out how best to handle it on her end. Because I think we can all agree that it would be best for the kids if all parties involved were moving on in a healthy way, and a healthy BW is good for the kids.

 

The BW isn't hers to "handle".

 

Here's the trade-off the BW is being asked to accept:

 

She should gracefully accept having her life blown up.

 

The OP won't accept not chaperoning a dance.

 

Get it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sub]

The BW isn't hers to "handle".

I was referring to the OPs role in the entire dynamic, not another human being.

[April Moon]

the OWs can & usually do see the error in their ways.

 

i personally do believe you when you say you're remorseful and empathetic towards the BS -- but your remorse and empathy IS limited.

 

you're happy. you're with your man and you got your happy ending, to say it like that. from that happy place, it's no wonder that you want everyone else to be happy. I think the story would have been different if he had dumped you & chose to work on his marriage with her or just dumped you no matter what had happened with the marriage.

 

just like someone said - it's like shooting a person & then driving that person to the ER wanting to help.

 

nothing you can do to present yourself as a good person in the eyes of the BS and she won't ever see you like that. the truth is that you did what you did in order to be happy -- even though it had resulted in her NOT being happy.

 

what you can is to create an... at least civil relationship with her. just stay out of her way and be polite and kind and that is it. when kids are old enough, you probably won't even have to communicate with her or be around her ever again.

 

Daisy,

 

I was curious to see your response to Minimariah. I think she makes an excellent point. I'm sorry if you already responded to her original post but I could not find it.

[autumnnight]

Not necessarily. The more she continues to behave badly,mother more likely it is her kids will want nothing to do with her in the future.

 

I think most people knew what that meant. LEGALLY speaking, she will be in their lives for a long time. At their 5th and 6th grade ages, they will not get to opt out of visitation for quite some time. And it sounds to me like the son loves his mother. I doubt there's much chance of him cutting her off. Unless of course the OP and WH alienate and bad mouth her. And luckily, this particular OW doesn't seem to have that bent.

[daisygirl19]

The BW isn't hers to "handle".

 

Here's the trade-off the BW is being asked to accept:

 

She should gracefully accept having her life blown up.

 

The OP won't accept not chaperoning a dance.

 

Get it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The situation is mine to handle, to the extent that directly involves me. I've never said she should gracefully accept anything. Her acceptance, or lack thereof, is entirely on her. I expect nothing, and am asking nothing of the sort from her.

 

In this particular situation, no, I was not willing to not chaperone the dance.

[Furious]

i think it's about the obligation. if i was asked, i wouldn't bail either. maybe if she had asked sooner -- the OP would stepped back.

 

i really think Daisy is coming from a good place here, trying to move on & see what's the best that she can do in this situation.

 

 

I disagree. Daisy has said over and over again she is looking for advice on how to deal with the BS's anger. This could have been the olive branch that demonstrated a compromise.

 

Let's get real this a school dance for 1O and 11 year olds not a high level secret government services protection operation.

 

The hypocrisy is Daisy has no problem with intruding in the commitment someone else's marriage, and she did not give the BS a one month or much less 24 hour request for permission to have an affair with her husband.

 

What I see here, is a woman who can and will do whatever she desires if it suits her but she stands her ground on not tolerating her ground to be challenged.

 

Reading between the lines of Daisy's post there is detail upon detail of negativity of the BS but in the same breathe she claims to be sorry and empathetic.

 

I see that there is underlying hostility on her part and she does a fine job as painting herself as an altruistic empathetic but if you look more deeply she goes into great detail in describing the BS.

 

For someone who claims to be staying out of the MM and BS's divorce and wants to lessen the anger of the BS she is in knee deep nitty gritty second hand third wheel details that contradict her claims.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Furious

[Noirek]

There is hostility in these posts all right and it isn't the OP. It is the people who feel it is their chance to promote victim hood had get a few kicks in towards an OW while at it. Hypocrisy and double standards much?

 

 

Let's take a moment from the nastiness, lack of empathy, and basic word twisting of SOME posters and focus on this diamic without bad guys, good guys, victims or a blame game. Or looking at it through our own tainted glasses.

 

As you have clearly stated you know you and her husband are responsible for her pain. As she wants her family back together this means she has to lay the blame mostly on you. Sadly for her, she is giving you more power than you have. When someone loses control of a situation they often lose control of everything. And I imagine she has a very strong feeling losing control on top of the pain. But you and her ex are not responsible for her actions. How we conduct ourselves and the choices we make become our own responsibility. If their marriage was truly disfunctional and this all came about more or less as you said I would say PTSD is an extreme label to jump to. And I'm going to take you at your word and by what you have posted. Just like most everyone does when a BS posts because I don't think you deserve any less. But she is not giving up her husband without a fight... And I don't blame her if she loves him and her family. On the other hand, she is misguided.

 

However, neither of you should be catering to her. Kind but firm. I see nothing wrong with sticking to the dance. And neither would others if the looked at the situation objectively and not with their "bs glasses" on. Which does help you because it shows the irrational thinking the BS in your situation may be feeling when it is all about her. That's what pain does to many, it can make you selfish.

 

The divorce needs to be settled. You need to talk to your SO and explain that all he is doing is pulling the band aid of slowly. This is causing her to lash out and now it has escalated to in front of the kids. Not good, you guys are all the adults. And while you can't do anything, her stbxh can. He can get involved, see a lawyer, and make sure his kids are protected. Kind but firm because if he gives her an inch, she'll take a mile. I also see nothing wrong with him telling her it wasn't her business... Because it isn't anymore and she needs to learn that.

 

Keep up with what you are doing. Act as though you have NC with her and hope that her stbxh gets serious and gets this done. And as a final note, if any of her actions do (not saying they will) slide to the illegal, do not hesitate to take legal action. This all is a consequence of your actions but her actions also carry questions and rest solely on her own shoulders. Don't let guilt rule your life. There are people who will take advantage of that.

[Sub]

I also see nothing wrong with him telling her it wasn't her business... Because it isn't anymore and she needs to learn that.

 

There's a certain double-standard to this statement, though. MM should tell the BW his new R isn't any of her business. As someone else alluded to, maybe he should apply this standard to daisy in regards to what goes on between he and his STBXW.

[Noirek]

There's a certain double-standard to this statement, though. MM should tell the BW his new R isn't any of her business. As someone else alluded to, maybe he should apply this standard to daisy in regards to what goes on between he and his STBXW.

 

There is a difference between sharing something with a SO and sharing something with a stbx. Clearly. If she talked about how he didn't communicate anything that happened between him and his stbxw that would be suspect as well.

 

Not to mention the fact that nowhere has it been suggested she has asked him things he would rather not share. Apples and oranges.

 

Honestly, i have found your posts have been far less judgmental and cruel than many of the others who are just itching at a chance to attack a former OW and let her know how truly terrible they think she is.

 

And these people know who they are. They are the ones that project their own anger, lack of empathy and double standard onto the Op while their own posts show it is themselves with the issues

 

Which is what the ideo of projection is.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Noirek

[Sub]

There is a difference between sharing something with a SO and sharing something with a stbx. Clearly. If she talked about how he didn't communicate anything that happened between him and his stbxw that would be suspect as well.

 

Just so I'm following: daisy was privy to what went on in his M when it was "stagnant"....she's privy to what goes on between them as STBX's and co-parents as they try to finalize their D.....but the BW gets "it's none of your business".

 

Huh.

 

Hmm.

[velvette]

There is a difference between sharing something with a SO and sharing something with a stbx. Clearly. If she talked about how he didn't communicate anything that happened between him and his stbxw that would be suspect as well.

 

Not to mention the fact that nowhere has it been suggested she has asked him things he would rather not share. Apples and oranges.

 

Honestly, i have found your posts have been far less judgmental and cruel than many of the others who are just itching at a chance to attack a former OW and let her know how truly terrible they think she is.

 

And these people know who they are. They are the ones that project their own anger, lack of empathy and double standard onto the Op while their own posts show it is themselves with the issues

 

Which is what the ideo of projection is.

 

 

The practical reality is that as long as Daisy is the shoulder to cry on while he processes all the details of their interactions and is temporarily relieved about the sitch, he will not find a way to deal effectively with his W. Daisy his enabling his ineffectiveness in dealing with her.

 

 

As for telling his Wife its none of her business in front of the kids.......wrong. He could have said lots of other things......call me when the kids go to bed, I'll call you or he could have just said sorry I have to go.

[sandylee1]

I have to say whilst I'm not I'm favour of affairs, if I somehow ended up with the MM , I would take my kids to all the dances I wanted to. I wouldn't let my children be without me there just because of a BW. My kids would come first every time. On fact I wouldn't even want to be having conversations with the BW about chaperone duty.

 

Her marriage is over and it's time to move on. Maybe I'm just not the kind of person to let a cheating ex know their relationship bothers me. If I really couldn't deal with it , then I'd move away from the area. As the BW there's no way I'd let the OW have the satisfaction /pleasure of seeing me rage like a lunatic. I wouldn't even want her pity.

 

As far as how to deal with it...ignore and protect the kids. Unless communication is about the kids it's not necessary for her ex to talk to her. He needs to tell her that where he's going is not her business anymore or ignore her.

[violet1]

that is the thing -- she doesn't and she shouldn't. it is on her to stay respective & polite but it is on her SO to deal with THEIR children & co-parenting.

 

 

 

she'll be there until the kids are of age and adults, really. when the kids are... 25, for example -- no need for co-parenting or communication of any kind. they will build their relationship with each parent separately & the parents will probably only see each other on weddings/family gatherings/things like that. and at that point, they can't demand for the other part to NOT show up anymore.

 

If the OP chooses to live with her SO, she will deal with his kids because they are young. When you are a step parent, you have to become a team with your partner unless you want the children running the house. It's not a step parent's job to parent the children, but everyone has to follow the rules of the home. You can't completely separate everything just because the kids aren't biologically yours. She will also have to deal with any influence that the mother has on them. If the relationship is bad between the biological parents, going to the kid's events can be uncomfortable.

 

The point I was trying to make to the OP is that the mother is always going to be in the picture in one form or another when it comes to the kids. A bond between mother and child is strong and in a lot of cases, unbreakable. It may sound harsh, but what do you expect when you CHOOSE to have a relationship that started out as an affair? The OP made her bed, she needs to lay in it. Suck it up and deal with it. You can't sleep with someone's spouse for years behind their back and then turn around and try to be sympathetic. It just doesn't work like that.

[minimariah]

Just so I'm following: daisy was privy to what went on in his M when it was "stagnant"....she's privy to what goes on between them as STBX's and co-parents as they try to finalize their D.....but the BW gets "it's none of your business".

 

Huh.

 

Hmm.

 

it actually makes sense -- the MM's first priority was Daisy. not the BS. so it's natural that he shares everything with Daisy & goes forward with their relationship while putting a stop and mantaining distance in his marriage he is trying (& did) to leave.

 

i don't think it's a double standard at all because those two relationships aren't equal when it comes to their importance to the MM.

 

however, it's bad when the MM goes overboard with the complaining and oversharing about his STBX. it's okay to confide and to complain when you're having a hard time but something needs to be done because the BS isn't the OW's business.

[violet1]

The situation is mine to handle, to the extent that directly involves me. I've never said she should gracefully accept anything. Her acceptance, or lack thereof, is entirely on her. I expect nothing, and am asking nothing of the sort from her.

 

In this particular situation, no, I was not willing to not chaperone the dance.

 

What I don't understand is why you couldn't wait until his divorce is finalized before you have an out in the open R? People need time to adapt to such a change. This is why you and your SO come across as cold. It's almost like you guys want to throw your happiness in the BW's face. Plus, children need time to adjust too before they meet daddy's new gf. Can't you and your SO see each other when he doesn't have his kids? You've obviously waited a long time to be with him, why not wait a little longer? I think more empathy should be shown to the children.

Edited July 29, 2015 by violet1

[Sub]

i don't think it's a double standard at all because those two relationships aren't equal when it comes to their importance to the MM.

 

Yes, as it pertains to the MM. But we're talking about various perspectives here. And daisy appears to have some concern for the BW's perspective. Or at least she thinks that it matters. You can't have certain expectations placed on the BW and expect fairness when the weight of this fiasco hasn't been applied equally, IMO.