remorseful_tab Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) My other post in Infidelity section was closed. So I am making this new one. For those who know my story, I met my lawyer yesterday. She sounded good. To lay a few outlines of what she has told me - I will be entitled to spousal support since my husband earns way more than me. I will get child support too. Marital property and accounts will be split 50-50. The custody of our child can be done outside the court (I am willing). If it goes to court, I can hope to win the primary custody but not sure because H is very much present in our son's day to day life. Edited August 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add link to post Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Sorry it's ending this way for you. But I hope you will be able to pick up the piece and find happiness in your life very soon. It sounds like your divorce proceedings will be very fair to you. Again sorry it came to this. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Take things one day at a time. Try to be reasonable but not to the point where your just giving things away unless its something you want to do. I hope you and your husband can sit down and work things out calmly on the divorce. Have you talked to him since the weekend ? C Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Yes we talked once. He called me on Sunday to let me know he will drop our son to school and I will pick him up. But he will be keeping our son's luggages. Because our son will again be staying with him for the next weekend and its better if some of his luggages remain with him. So no hassle of carrying them weekly (He is closing another door for me to see him). Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I am dying to ask my son if he saw any woman's things at his apartment. But I am controlling this urge because I know it wouldn't be proper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I am dying to ask my son if he saw any woman's things at his apartment. But I am controlling this urge because I know it wouldn't be proper. Remorseful, I am glad you are now working on life, and moving forward. I know it is painful, but it will get better. How about IC for you and your son? Have you worked on your Resume? Lastly, go out and have some fun with family or friends. Do what the lawyer tells you, they do this all the time. I would not involve your son in anything about your SBEX. There is now a wall, I am sure he will tell yo if your SBEX brings a new woman in his life. Snooping could be used against you. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 The custody of our child can be done outside the court (I am willing). If it goes to court, I can hope to win the primary custody but not sure because H is very much present in our son's day to day life. Most judges want split/joint custody. Primary custody usually is only if one parent cannot provide or won't be as involved. So just be prepared for that. If he's willing to be involved, how come you want primary? Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Joint custody is usually best for the child. and then also, you don't want to go to court asking for sole custody if the only real reason is anger or unwillingness to have ex deciding things-- that could backfire. Eyes on the prize (your child's long-term well-being), and you will give a HUGE thank-you to yourself one day because you will come out of it with a well-adjusted child. Kudos on resisting the urge to question your son about other woman. Sounds like you wouldn't do that to your son even when you're hurting-- that's good. I recommend the book "How Can I Forgive You?-- The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To"-- by Janice Spring. You'll live a better and better and better future. I think the book will be a great starting point. Read it! Some of the reviews on amazon are helpful too, if you can't buy it yet or while you're waiting for it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Remorseful I posted on your other thread. I understand that you are hurting and are angry at your husband wanting a divorce after you believed he was past your affair. But don't let the anger cloud your judgement and go for primary custody. Think of your son. Please don't do anything you will regret and which will end up being at the detriment of your son. Your husband has made it clear he no longer wants to be married to you. Spend time with family and friends, be around people that will support you through this. Accept your husbands wishes and get on with your life - for you and your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I think right now you just need to give him some time. Even if you both divorce he will come around and talk to you again. You both have a child together. I know this is really hard for you but I would not ask your child any questions about what goes on at his dad's place unless you are worried about his safety. If there is another woman around your child will probably make some mention of it. I think the others are right you need to focus on spending time with friends and family. It times to focus on taking care of you and let your husband go. C Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 You can only move forwards from here. Once you get through dealing with the split of assets, spousal support and custody things should settle down. If everything is straightforward , then the legal fees for both of you won't be unecessarily high. How is your son coping with everything? Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I read your other thread, and I don't think your husband been at amsterdam with another woman, but with the mind opens to got sex if he had a possibility Amsterdam is know for its canals, bikes, prostitutes, drugs, drugged tourists. That would explain the anger in his eyes when you asked for the other woman. He was upset you can imagine he can be as low as you was 8 years ago, and you can't imagine he is able to take decisions for himself, not for please someone else. The man you married died 8 years ago. This new man tried, but at end, was unable to love you like the man you married. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 remorseful_tab, At this time going over WHY this happen is really not helpful to you. I would urge you to work on getting your divorce over as soon as you can, with the best outcome for your son and yourself. 1) Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, and spend time with family and friends. Do something for you and you alone. You need a little fun. 2) Also, keep a good relationship, as far as possible, with your husbands parents. Remember, they can really help with issue going forward as per their grandson. It will show you have class. 3) Get to work on that resume. 4) Look into a local support group, or again have you scheduled IC for yourself? 5) I know this will be hard, but take the high road with your SBEX. You share a son and will have to have some type of relationship. Try and be as understanding as you can. I am hoping that some good comes out of this for you, and wish you well. Divorce is not the end of the world, and something better will come about for you. As for LS in general, I think, at this time remorseful_tab, needs advise on how to navigate trough the divorce, and advise to handle her needs. She is well aware on how this all came about, and her cheating is beyond the pale. She is paying a heavy price along with here son. As for her SBEX, yes he has every right to seek a divorce, but he does not have to be such a SOB about it. He is causing needless pain to the mother of his son, and to his son as well. Whatever anyone thinks, in the end, he will have to deal with his EX wife, as they share a child. Being wronged does not give you the right to hurt another. In the end of things, it is always better to take the highest road possible, as you need to deal with your children at least, and you do not want to foster hurt and resentment in them. You can be tough, but polite. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I am sorry this is happening to you, but glad to see you are stepping up and moving forward and doing what you gotta do. I agree with the others, make you goal to have as amicable, fair and cooperative of a divorce as possible and have a primary goal to have as cooperative and low-conflict of a post-divorce life as possible. I also agree to not use your son as a spy on Daddy's personal affairs. In good time he will volunteer what is going on with Daddy's girlfriend as just part of normal conversation. Just assume he will begin dating if he isn't already and be prepared to hear about it as just a part of life at Dad's house. And in time, you will begin dating as well. That's perfectly normal and ok too. But for now, focus on getting through the divorce as intact as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 remorseful_tab, At this time going over WHY this happen is really not helpful to you. I would urge you to work on getting your divorce over as soon as you can, with the best outcome for your son and yourself. 1) Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, and spend time with family and friends. Do something for you and you alone. You need a little fun. 2) Also, keep a good relationship, as far as possible, with your husbands parents. Remember, they can really help with issue going forward as per their grandson. It will show you have class. 3) Get to work on that resume. 4) Look into a local support group, or again have you scheduled IC for yourself? 5) I know this will be hard, but take the high road with your SBEX. You share a son and will have to have some type of relationship. Try and be as understanding as you can. I am hoping that some good comes out of this for you, and wish you well. Divorce is not the end of the world, and something better will come about for you. As for LS in general, I think, at this time remorseful_tab, needs advise on how to navigate trough the divorce, and advise to handle her needs. She is well aware on how this all came about, and her cheating is beyond the pale. She is paying a heavy price along with here son. As for her SBEX, yes he has every right to seek a divorce, but he does not have to be such a SOB about it. He is causing needless pain to the mother of his son, and to his son as well. Whatever anyone thinks, in the end, he will have to deal with his EX wife, as they share a child. Being wronged does not give you the right to hurt another. In the end of things, it is always better to take the highest road possible, as you need to deal with your children at least, and you do not want to foster hurt and resentment in them. You can be tough, but polite. I agree with everything but the last paragraph. I don't see that he is intentionally trying to inflict needless pain. I think he is just simply done any checked out and moving forward with his own life. There is no pain free divorce in this situation since RT did not want to divorce. There is no way he can pursue a divorce without her being hurt/angered/saddened by it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 It's not over til it's over. Continue to live an exemplary life and show him what he's missing. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) I am glad you are off the infidelity section. Brutal.. Are you giving up on your husband? If you had the chance to be with him again, forever, would you take it? Edited July 31, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thank you Lifeisontheup Your post really struck me. I thought about this deeply. No matter whats happening between us, our son should not be a victim. He loves his father dearly and H also loves him to pieces. Joint custody is what would be best for him. I don't want him to suffer more than what he is going through. I called H and talked about the divorce. I started my conversation with asking him if he want a divorce. He said a one word "yes". Then I told him I met a lawyer. I told him only the thing about a written joint custody and outside court settlement between us to discuss how much time he will spend in our places. He told me he will think about it and discuss with his lawyer. I am waiting for his answer Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I am glad you are off the infidelity section. Brutal.. Are you giving up on your husband? If you had the chance to be with him again, forever, would you take it? I have not given up on my H. If he called me right now and said that he changed his mind and he wants to try to work on our issues, I will take him in a heartbeat. But I don't control him and I can't change his mind. So I am learning to let him go, though its very hard for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I have not given up on my H. If he called me right now and said that he changed his mind and he wants to try to work on our issues, I will take him in a heartbeat. But I don't control him and I can't change his mind. So I am learning to let him go, though its very hard for me. Remorseful, I have some hope that this may happen as well, but at this time, divorce is the only path forward. The only chance is if he realizes what he is giving up. It will have to come from him. I also like your last sentence, it is at the hart of so much that is discussed on LS, we are only in control of ourself, and can only change our behavior. Hope you are doing well, and things get better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 One thing I must say.... My H has two best friends. They are married together. They all are school mates. Like a Harry Potter trio. I am friends with them too. Infact I consider the wife as one of my closest friend. But neither of them has contacted me through this. I seen some recent pictures of them three hanging out in the FB profile of the husband. So they must know what is going on. H (and I previously) shares everything with them Its like they have shunned me as a group. This hurts. After so many years I thought we were all close. I thought I would get support from them. But its like as their friend is leaving me, so I am nothing to them anymore Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Give everything some time RT. Tell him you are going to work with him for a amicable divorce, but you would take him back in a heartbeat. Then let him know you are letting him go. Work on forgiving yourself and try to understand his pain. You share a child. Work to be the best Co parents. His anger will die soon. One day, he will want to talk to you. Your fate is not yet decided. He gave you 8 years. Give him 8 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Independant_View Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Is it possible to talk with your (his) friends to ask what triggered this angry need for divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 One thing I must say.... My H has two best friends. They are married together. They all are school mates. Like a Harry Potter trio. I am friends with them too. Infact I consider the wife as one of my closest friend. But neither of them has contacted me through this. I seen some recent pictures of them three hanging out in the FB profile of the husband. So they must know what is going on. H (and I previously) shares everything with them Its like they have shunned me as a group. This hurts. After so many years I thought we were all close. I thought I would get support from them. But its like as their friend is leaving me, so I am nothing to them anymore It is awkward for them, he is the guy they went to school with NOT you, but if you consider her your close friend then get in touch, see what she has to say. She may not have deliberately blanked you, just felt a little weird perhaps or your husband may even have suggested you wouldn't speak to her, now you two have split. Just because they have pics on FB with him, may not necessarily mean they support him in his latest exploit. YOUR husband may have set the scene for that pic, and just used them to send a message to you via FB. "Here am I having a lovely time with MY friends, butt out." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) YOUR husband may have set the scene for that pic, and just used them to send a message to you via FB. "Here am I having a lovely time with MY friends, butt out." What was the point of that last SPECULATION? Slamming the husband again? Or thrusting another dagger at the OP. At this point her thread is where she doesnt want it. She wants to be in the "second chance" forum. Enough. Edited August 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
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