My divorce

[remorseful_tab]

YOUR husband may have set the scene for that pic, and just used them to send a message to you via FB. "Here am I having a lovely time with MY friends, butt out."

 

I feel like I should defend my H here.

 

As I said before, my H has already blocked me from his FB and linkedin profile. I saw those pics in the profile of his friend. So I don't think it was ever my H's intention to show me those pics.

[minimariah]

But its like as their friend is leaving me, so I am nothing to them anymore

 

i think they "chose" his side - after all, they were his friends 1st. maybe you can try to reach out to them & see where you're standing as friends...?

 

not sure what to tell you... i know it hurts but all you can do right now is to try and move on. maybe you'll reunite in the future - maybe you won't.

 

take it easy, one day at a time. take some time to heal. at this point - i don't think your H has another woman... i think he finally found courage to leave after checking out from the marriage. all there is to it.

 

sending you many virtual hugs.

[remorseful_tab]

Just had a long talk with H on the phone. Don't know whether to be a bit optimistic or not. But this was more than H has said to since his announcement to separate.

 

H said he thinks we should go for joint custody. And we should go for court settled details for sharing our son. But regardless, as parents we could work in a mutual understanding way for the benefit of our son. He asked me whether I had any problem with the current sharing duties - weekdays with me and weekends with him. I said for now it was ok. So he said he would be willing to share more responsibilities of our son if I ever need. All I had to do was inform him prior of any changes in my schedule and he will adapt his schedule accordingly. But any reasons to change our schedules should be important and only when necessary.

 

I am ok with this type of arrangement and I trust my H in this. From the beginning I had no doubt in his committment for the love or welfare of our son.

 

And the conversation finally drifted to him saying that he hoped that we can maintain civility towards each other and work towards giving our son a stable childhood and not let our bitterness harm him.

 

And most surprisingly of all, he said he was sorry he couldn't keep our family anymore. I hope I understand why.

 

But thats it. He didn't go into anymore details about his decisions and why he felt he had to separate.

 

Though I wanted to talk more about this, I didn't. I just said I will let him take his time. If he felt he wanted us to again work on our issues, I would be there. And then he said "Thank you, I have to go now".

[remorseful_tab]

Thank you, Minimariah

[understand50]

Just had a long talk with H on the phone. Don't know whether to be a bit optimistic or not. But this was more than H has said to since his announcement to separate.

 

H said he thinks we should go for joint custody. And we should go for court settled details for sharing our son. But regardless, as parents we could work in a mutual understanding way for the benefit of our son. He asked me whether I had any problem with the current sharing duties - weekdays with me and weekends with him. I said for now it was ok. So he said he would be willing to share more responsibilities of our son if I ever need. All I had to do was inform him prior of any changes in my schedule and he will adapt his schedule accordingly. But any reasons to change our schedules should be important and only when necessary.

 

I am ok with this type of arrangement and I trust my H in this. From the beginning I had no doubt in his committment for the love or welfare of our son.

 

And the conversation finally drifted to him saying that he hoped that we can maintain civility towards each other and work towards giving our son a stable childhood and not let our bitterness harm him.

 

And most surprisingly of all, he said he was sorry he couldn't keep our family anymore. I hope I understand why.

 

But thats it. He didn't go into anymore details about his decisions and why he felt he had to separate.

 

Though I wanted to talk more about this, I didn't. I just said I will let him take his time. If he felt he wanted us to again work on our issues, I would be there. And then he said "Thank you, I have to go now".

 

remorseful_tab,

 

I see he is beginning to miss the family he has set aside, so may be there is a chance. In mean time, I think by you letting him have his space, you are doing the right thing. Sorry about his friends going with him, but that may work out once things settle down.

 

For now, work on things for you. I keep posting lists, because I always believe actions help regain control of your life and move you forward.

 

So.....

 

Anything the Lawyer needs you to do and you haven't?

 

CV and Job hunting? Have you started?

 

IC for you and your son?

 

Have you done anything that is fun just for you?

 

I am hoping for a good outcome for you, I do think, in time, you maybe able to work out the issues with your husband and regain some relationship with him.

 

As always, good luck to you.

[66Charger]

You guys are talking and he is missing the family.

 

Ask him if he is willing to CONSIDER, having dinner (only) once a week so that your son can see you two are getting along even though you live apart. Do not I iniate the question, but bring it up casually the next time you talk.

[Buckeye2]

And most surprisingly of all, he said he was sorry he couldn't keep our family anymore. I hope I understand why.

 

But thats it. He didn't go into anymore details about his decisions and why he felt he had to separate.

 

One problem men have with R is that everything is as if the affair never happened. Their wife had great fun and never paid a price. Looking at their happy wife enjoying a family event triggers them. I think that your husband just couldn’t accept that anymore.

 

This is how I would play the cards you currently have. I would keep doing what you’re doing. Be civil and be a great mom. Tell your husband that you deserve for him to divorce you after what you did and you will still love him after the divorce.

 

This does two things for your husband. The divorce will mean that you paid a price after all. You would be like an army sergeant that was busted to corporal for screwing up. Second you rejected him for the OM, now he has rejected you.

 

Don’t beg him not to divorce you. Tell him that you plan to be faithful to him after the divorce and you would be happy to live with him even if not married. It’s not the perfect solution but I think it’s the best you can do with what you have to work with.

 

Good luck

[understand50]

remorseful,

 

How are things going?

[sandylee1]

The conversation with your H regarding your son was good. His welfare with parents divorcing is so important. I'm just afraid that you see glimmers of hope when he just wants to coparent . He's had plenty time to reach this decision and if you attempt to ask him 'why', he's likely to think you just don't comprehend the depth of the betrayal and how it affected and still affects him. I can't see you asking why not majorly ticking him off.

 

Just let it go

[remorseful_tab]

Yesterday received the divorce papers today.

 

Only one consolation, H personally came to deliver them. No words. Just "Gp through them". I asked "Will you have something?" He said he has got to go somewhere. And he was gone.

[remorseful_tab]

Understand50....

 

I already work.

 

All this have been so sudden that I have not thought of any IC. Besides what would I discuss with the IC? 2 months ago I thought everthing was alright, if not perfect - I had a loving, amazing H, a wonderful son and I loved my H. So what there to discuss?

[66Charger]

Understand50....

 

I already work.

 

All this have been so sudden that I have not thought of any IC. Besides what would I discuss with the IC? 2 months ago I thought everthing was alright, if not perfect - I had a loving, amazing H, a wonderful son and I loved my H. So what there to discuss?

 

You cans start by trying to figure out how you missed all of your H pain. Walk yourself through from DDay. It doesnt seem like you had true remorse. Months of fog. More months to bond. Then you felt everything was ok for YOU but you missed that it wasnt for your H. Thats called rug sweeping. Think about it. Your initial thread wasnt "My husband is divorcing me, how can I get him back or fix this" it was "He is being unfair" You spent so much time feeling pity, blindsided, and YOUR feelings being hurt. Now that thread is pointless. If you want to make true amends and forgiveness, you have to let him know that you now understand his pain. You need to disarm this guy so that you and your son and your STBX can exist peacefully. Tomorrow will give you other answers. You have 7 more years of coparenting and opportunities.

 

Or you could just move on.

[66Charger]

Understand50....

 

I already work.

 

All this have been so sudden that I have not thought of any IC. Besides what would I discuss with the IC? 2 months ago I thought everthing was alright, if not perfect - I had a loving, amazing H, a wonderful son and I loved my H. So what there to discuss?

 

Your husband felt the same way at DDay. Thought he had a wife, wonderful son, and he loved you. Are you beginning to see? Dont you wish that you didnt live in a fog and torture hom, but went to counseling instead? You didnt do it then and look what happened.

 

If you dont think you need IC, then dont be surprised if you 2 have issues years down the line. You may have a shot at your H again, but not without fixing yourself.

 

Your life. Your choice

[elaine567]

I know you work, but now you are going to have to be self sufficient and provide enough money to live comfortably.

 

Have you really thought through the implications of having your son every week day, whilst your husband has him at the week ends.

 

That may suit his work schedule, but will it suit yours in the long term?

It may do, but I know you are hurting and want to keep the peace, but make sure you have thought everything through carefully and have considered the real implications, before just agreeing to any arrangements.

[understand50]

Understand50....

 

I already work.

 

All this have been so sudden that I have not thought of any IC. Besides what would I discuss with the IC? 2 months ago I thought everthing was alright, if not perfect - I had a loving, amazing H, a wonderful son and I loved my H. So what there to discuss?

 

Remorseful,

 

As for you working, good, did not understand that you were working, thought you were a stay at home mom. This gives some security and independence. It also is giving you some social interaction, so you are not isolated and alone.

 

This leads to my second thought. You have suffered a huge blow to your life and self esteem. Quote: "2 months ago I thought everything was alright, if not perfect - I had a loving, amazing H, a wonderful son and I loved my H. So what there to discuss?" It helps to talk things out, or it does me, but finding someone to talk to can be hard. Your mutual friends do not want to take sides, your family may not really understand, and we in Love Shack, while willing, are just whispers on the internet.

 

It can be a help to you to go to a councilor, who will not judge you, but help you come to terms with what has happened. Help you set goals, and prod you when needed. Some do not need this, while others do find it helpful.

 

"What would I discuss with the IC?"

 

Everything and anything. Why this happened? What can I do? Is what I am doing OK? DO you think it will rain tomorrow? They can be a sounding board. BTW, it does not have to a "professional" but a brother, sister, good friend, so fourth and so on. Just do not hold this and face it by yourself, in the long run, things will get better, and there are resources that can help you and make this "trip" trough hell go faster and easier for you.

 

You story has touched a cord with me, as I see that after all your remorse, and hard work it was not enough to recover your marriage and relationship. I believe in redemption, and wish things had worked out for you. As a child of divorce, I really feel for your son. I remember missing my Dad. Things were never the same, after my parents broke up. I was lucky, that I had several mentors that talked to me and helped me out. I hope your son has something similar.

 

As always I wish you luck and all the best for you and your son.

[sandylee1]

I think even more than counselling, what can really help RT understand her BH's pain and decision to divorce is reading forums dedicated to infidelity online, to get an idea of your BH's feelings and how even many of the BH's who stayed in the marriage still trigger and often regret not divorcing soon after dday.

 

It's truly very enlightening to see the different feelings men go through.

[remorseful_tab]

For now, I thing its a very good arrangement.

 

The apartment we stay in is in a very accessible location within the city. My son goes to a school within cycling distance. Markets and departmental stores are within walking distance (so I wont need a car). Transport to my job is fairly direct - walk to the tube station and get out in my destination and walk in to my office. And my H has agreed to sell me the his share of the apartment. And he will not claim any furnishings except his stuff.

 

The job I have is very stable with no travel. Its more like a pencil pusher kind of job but with a good pay. So I have no intention of leaving it.

 

So I think keeping my son with me for weekdays and weekend with him is okay for now.

[qubist]

I followed your story from the initial thread and I'm really sorry for you. I feel you pain, you fell sort of betrayed because of all the time and energy that you spent the last 8 years Reconciling with your BH but at the same time you also feel that you are the one to blame for starting all this. please focus on your self and your son but keep your hope that he would realize how much you love him. Obviously your H never healed from your A and was able to hide his emotion for 8 years. I think he feels that "justice" was never fulfilled and wanted to make a statement on his own he must have a huge ability to control anger I saw that in his first reaction when he confronted you 8 years ago. well anger never satisfied anything he will still be hurt I wish someone can explain it to him before he finds that out the hard way. he will regret his decision. there is also a possibility of triggers that you weren't aware of. maybe something happened that made him feel uncomfortable and triggered what he had been hiding.

I know you sacrificed a lot and understand how hard it is but don't give up on him just yet. while you follow all the D procedures and protecting yourself and son, keep in close touch with him, stay close to his parent and family, try to contact his friends. and every time you get a chance to talk to him ask him what you could have done different to make him forgive. I know this is pushing you to step on your ego but do it for you son. good luck

[Clay]

For now, I thing its a very good arrangement.

 

The apartment we stay in is in a very accessible location within the city. My son goes to a school within cycling distance. Markets and departmental stores are within walking distance (so I wont need a car). Transport to my job is fairly direct - walk to the tube station and get out in my destination and walk in to my office. And my H has agreed to sell me the his share of the apartment. And he will not claim any furnishings except his stuff.

 

The job I have is very stable with no travel. Its more like a pencil pusher kind of job but with a good pay. So I have no intention of leaving it.

 

So I think keeping my son with me for weekdays and weekend with him is okay for now.

 

In light of everything you both have gone through I really want to tell you its nice to see you are both coming to a good agreement for your son. I wished my xW would have been as decent. I do hope you get into some counceling. I think your going to need someone to help you process the changes that are going on in your life.

 

C

[Artstar]

I am dying to ask my son if he saw any woman's things at his apartment. But I am controlling this urge because I know it wouldn't be proper.

 

 

its best to stay out of it,,,as long as she is good to him you shouldn't have to worry

[understand50]

remorseful_tab,

 

How is it going? I am hoping for the best for you and your son.

[remorseful_tab]

Hii understand_50

 

Sorry for the late reply. I fell sick. But I am ok now. Divorce proceedings is still going on.

 

I fell ill last Tuesday. Call in sick at the office for the rest of the week. But I didn't say anything to H. I was 180ing, I guess. It was only when H called our son on Wed evening that he came to know I was sick. He came down for a visit. He tended to me. Long story short, we had sex. Even in my fevered state I felt horny at the sight of him sitting by my head and sponging my forehead. I went to kiss him. He was surprised, then said we shouldn't. I said we are not divorced yet. He said I was sick. I told him I can handle it. Then we did it. It felt amazing at the time! His touch felt so wonderful.

 

But it was after the sex that things became awkward. He left the room and said to me to sleep. I asked him to sleep beside me. I really wanted to talk to him. But he refused and said he should sleep on the couch. And there he went to sleep. It was sometime after he left that I started crying. I am sure he heard my muffled cries even from the drawing room where he was sleeping because they are adjacent. But never did he once come inside. And to top it all he left in the morning without saying a goodbye (I was asleep).

 

During his night stay in my apartment, there was one call which he got when I was near him. But he quickly checked his phone and went away to receive it. When he returned I asked who it was. He said its Craig from the office asking for some details. I didn't have a chance to look at his phone. He kept to himself always.

 

He did check on me for the next few days to ask how I was but didn't mention anything about us having sex. He also said if I would prefer to keep our son for the weekend. This was as a precaution as if I fell ill again, our son could inform him and he will again come by. But I was feeling well by Friday and said I would be ok.

Edited August 24, 2015 by remorseful_tab

[qubist]

First, I hope you are feeling better. I think that you H still loves you he just didn't completely let your A out of his chest all these year then somehow got triggered and couldn't hold it anymore. do not give up on him if you ask my opinion, he will realize sooner or later that you have done enough to earn his trust once it's all out of his chest

[66Charger]

RT the first thing you need to understand is that it was about the sex.

Now you have the opportunity to correct that email about the OM

 

Send your Stbx a email. Tell him that you agree on the divorce, but...that the sex you just had was AMAZING! !!!. Best you ever had. Tell him that until you are divorced you want more sex from HIM. Tell him No emotional attachment is necessary, you just want the sex, with him. Get it. WITH HIM. Just sex. Anyway, anyhow, anytime. No need to have any conversations after, just abiut when he will come and f you again. Do not talk about anything else in this email and ask him not to reply.

 

Is this begging? Hell no. If you have any hopes of reconciliation, you have to get him in your bed. To prove my point, what would you think would have happened that night and the next morning, if instead of crying in bed, you went and TOOK a second round? You should have went to him on the couch and told him that it was amazing and ripped the sheets off. Trust me, he needed to hear that and not your tears.

 

Dont make that mistake again.

 

I guarantee he will keep that email and use it. Could he in turn be using you? Sure, but you are also using him. Slowly subliminally reinforcing that you are who he is supposed to be having sex with. Even as you are divorcing, if you keep having sex with him, the chances of divorce move to 50/50.

 

 

 

This may help to break his barrier with the letter. No more wqsted tume whining about the fairness of 8 years. If you want your husband back...

 

Go get him.

[understand50]

Hii understand_50

 

Sorry for the late reply. I fell sick. But I am ok now. Divorce proceedings is still going on.

 

I fell ill last Tuesday. Call in sick at the office for the rest of the week. But I didn't say anything to H. I was 180ing, I guess. It was only when H called our son on Wed evening that he came to know I was sick. He came down for a visit. He tended to me. Long story short, we had sex. Even in my fevered state I felt horny at the sight of him sitting by my head and sponging my forehead. I went to kiss him. He was surprised, then said we shouldn't. I said we are not divorced yet. He said I was sick. I told him I can handle it. Then we did it. It felt amazing at the time! His touch felt so wonderful.

 

But it was after the sex that things became awkward. He left the room and said to me to sleep. I asked him to sleep beside me. I really wanted to talk to him. But he refused and said he should sleep on the couch. And there he went to sleep. It was sometime after he left that I started crying. I am sure he heard my muffled cries even from the drawing room where he was sleeping because they are adjacent. But never did he once come inside. And to top it all he left in the morning without saying a goodbye (I was asleep).

 

During his night stay in my apartment, there was one call which he got when I was near him. But he quickly checked his phone and went away to receive it. When he returned I asked who it was. He said its Craig from the office asking for some details. I didn't have a chance to look at his phone. He kept to himself always.

 

He did check on me for the next few days to ask how I was but didn't mention anything about us having sex. He also said if I would prefer to keep our son for the weekend. This was as a precaution as if I fell ill again, our son could inform him and he will again come by. But I was feeling well by Friday and said I would be ok.

 

First, I hope you are feeling better. I think that you H still loves you he just didn't completely let your A out of his chest all these year then somehow got triggered and couldn't hold it anymore. do not give up on him if you ask my opinion, he will realize sooner or later that you have done enough to earn his trust once it's all out of his chest

 

Remorseful,

 

The same, I hope you are getting over your cold. Keep good care if yourself. I agree with qubist, I would also not give up on your Husband, but please keep in mind that it is a long shot. Maybe it is time to sit down and give yourself a time line, where you try and wait, but I do not think it would be healthy for that to be your entire life. You sound like a lovely, kind woman, I am sure there is "love" for you in this life. How long you are willing to wait is up to you, and of course this time line will change as things "happen, good or bad" between you and him.

 

Keeping a good thought for you and your son, and I hope for better news from you about your relationship with your husband. If not, know that you have worth and there will be a better day for you.

 

As always, I wish you luck,