Random vents by OW...sorry

[Shinebrightforever]

Our affair LTA was an EA gir the first year. However the next three years.our relationship was both emotional and physical....passionate, rich, fun, and we told each other we loved one another. Our families even met, he spending time with my kids, and me spending time with his. We even met each others parents.

 

Recently, he had a mini D-day when his wife found an email from me. He said he was able to persuade his wife we were still just friends, but she remains hyper vigilant about it and watches his every move. He said to me that he didn't want to say goodbye...but we had to lay low for a while. Evening and weekend communication ceased, but other than that, our connection remained.

 

Well, that is, until A few months ago. He said he would call when he could...but it truly feels we have been NC for 2 months.

 

Ran into him unexpectedly the other day and as he was standing away from his wife...said I was still important to him and he was looking forward to "work" again. Now...going through grief again. He looked so amazing, even as he trotted away through the sunflower field to be with her.

 

I know I should end it...my heart is exhausted...up until I hear from him or see him again...then my heart goes "oh yeah, this feels amazing, he is amazing". Away from him I feel empty, apathetic about my life, unconcerned, sad. I know I suck at being my fun self when I'm going through withdraw...people in my life don't deserve this, but it's so hard to let go.

 

We are both married with kids. He is in his upper 40s, I'm early 40s. My husband has no idea and truly thinks we are just friends. First A for both MM and myself. I do understand staying connected is tough, but going NC is brutal. I realize I'm scum...no need to point that out. Just had to share my almost 4 years of self imposed chaos with someone.

 

Lesson: It's not a good idea to fall in love with someone else's man. Its very tough to turn the heart around. I never EVER pictured it leading to here. Ever

Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request~T

[nightmare01]

SMH

 

So if you are SO in luv with each other, why not divorce your spouses and be together? Or is it just more fun to have a little something on the side?

[Grumpybutfun]

Well, lesson isn't learned or you would have ended it forever, came clean and taken whatever fallout exists for being a cheater and liar. However, it isn't us you should be venting and confessing to. Ask your husband what he thinks you should do about it. I think he should have a say in what his life is really like, don't you?

Good luck,

Grumps

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks for responding. NOt fun...it's painful as well.. However, since day 1 we'd said we weren't looking for a replacement for our spouses. One of those things I thought I was strong enough to handle.

[Shinebrightforever]

Yes grumps, you're right. Maybe me posting on this forum is a step in the right direction...I hope? Trying to break down the fantasy bubble...

[sammy7111]

I bet your husband can't handle it. Why are u cheating on him?

[Grumpybutfun]

Yes grumps, you're right. Maybe me posting on this forum is a step in the right direction...I hope? Trying to break down the fantasy bubble...

 

Look, sometimes life is hard, or the monotony of stability can feel soul wrenching especially when you are used to drama and melodrama being played out in your family of origin or high school/college years. You get used to a certain amount of excitement and need that high that comes from being adventurous so you play with your feelings, the feelings of another man and your family dynamics to liven it up a bit. Sometimes, there are issues in a marriage that causes you to think that the grass is greener on the other side, or that your husband and family isn't providing everything you need to feel important and special. Then you make decisions such as the one you made, you get the high and the other person and the secrecy becomes an addiction. It is exciting, new and passionate...and you emotionally become involved because every bit of your oxytocin and adrenaline is being used in this duplicity and this relationship, without much being reserved for your husband or kids. You do everything you can for them, but with guilt, not love and so it starts to feel like a chore and your addiction, your AF becomes your focus. There is something lacking in you, something primal and at your core that you needed to fill it gratuitously while putting everything you love and value in danger. Some call it self esteem and some call it self loathing, but I call it lack of spirit. You have lost your bond with your honor, integrity, joy and energy and you are trying out fill it up with shallow words of endearment and passionate embraces that are so loathsome in reality that you hide them all away because you know in your heart and your spirit that they are fantasy....a recreation of people and places as your ego needs them to be.

I have never had an affair but from counseling and mentoring over the years, this is what I have learned about people who cheat in an otherwise stable and functional marriage and family. This is about you not being present and aware in your blessings, in your family, and in your sacred commitment to your husband. Please consider all that you have already lost by being duplicitous and betraying your family, then see a professional counselor or mentor to help you to make things right with your husband, and most importantly with your spirit. The quality of life you have now is as hollow as a dead tree trunk.

Best,

Grumps

[Shinebrightforever]

That is a great question. Not an easy answer. It started simply by liking the attention, feeling special to someone, blah blah. Finding a new passion and desire inside of me. Loving how attentive this OM is with my kids...more than my husband was. It's nuts....but I am one of those who always berated others for doing this...sitting on my moral pedestal in judgement. I think I truly believed I could flirt, have s little bit of superficial fun...and it wouldn't go further...

Oh the whacked out web I weave.

I know my husband doesn't deserve this. Nobody does.

[Shinebrightforever]

Look, sometimes life is hard, or the monotony of stability can feel soul wrenching especially when you are used to drama and melodrama being played out in your family of origin or high school/college years. You get used to a certain amount of excitement and need that high that comes from being adventurous so you play with your feelings, the feelings of another man and your family dynamics to liven it up a bit. Sometimes, there are issues in a marriage that causes you to think that the grass is greener on the other side, or that your husband and family isn't providing everything you need to feel important and special. Then you make decisions such as the one you made, you get the high and the other person and the secrecy becomes an addiction. It is exciting, new and passionate...and you emotionally become involved because every bit of your oxytocin and adrenaline is being used in this duplicity and this relationship, without much being reserved for your husband or kids. You do everything you can for them, but with guilt, not love and so it starts to feel like a chore and your addiction, your AF becomes your focus. There is something lacking in you, something primal and at your core that you needed to fill it gratuitously while putting everything you love and value in danger. Some call it self esteem and some call it self loathing, but I call it lack of spirit. You have lost your bond with your honor, integrity, joy and energy and you are trying out fill it up with shallow words of endearment and passionate embraces that are so loathsome in reality that you hide them all away because you know in your heart and your spirit that they are fantasy....a recreation of people and places as your ego needs them to be.

I have never had an affair but from counseling and mentoring over the years, this is what I have learned about people who cheat in an otherwise stable and functional marriage and family. This is about you not being present and aware in your blessings, in your family, and in your sacred commitment to your husband. Please consider all that you have already lost by being duplicitous and betraying your family, then see a professional counselor or mentor to help you to make things right with your husband, and most importantly with your spirit. The quality of life you have now is as hollow as a dead tree trunk.

Best,

Grumps

Well said, Grumps. Many things you said struck a chord with me. Thank you dearly for your time.

[nightmare01]

Do you respect your husband at all?

 

What you've been doing has not been respectful obviously. But other than that, do you think he is a person that is worthy of a good life? Is he a person worthy of living the life he chooses?

 

Lying, as you are doing to your husband, is incredibly disrespectful. You take away his ability to choose the direction his life takes by limiting what he knows about his own life.

 

If you detest your husband - if you don't respect him in the least, then I guess you can go ahead and keep doing what you're doing to him.

 

But if you respect your husband in the slightest degree, then tell him the complete truth about what has been going on in his marriage and in his life. Let him make the choice about how he wants to live.

[Shinebrightforever]

It's amazing how selfishly absorbed affairs make one self. What you said about respect for my husband is true. He hasn't been 100% faithful to me over our marriage, so maybe there's a little revenge inside of me? It's twisted, I know. Thanks for keeping it real, nightmare 01.

[nightmare01]

It's amazing how selfishly absorbed affairs make one self. What you said about respect for my husband is true. He hasn't been 100% faithful to me over our marriage, so maybe there's a little revenge inside of me? It's twisted, I know. Thanks for keeping it real, nightmare 01.

 

What does "hasn't been 100% faithful to me" mean?

 

My WW used the excuse that I worked too much as reason why she had her LTA. I don't see what I did as being unfaithful, but maybe she did.

 

I think that revenge does play a part in most if not all affairs.. I mean that you have to give yourself some justification for choosing to cheat, don't you?

 

Remember too that you've not actually LIVED with your OM. You haven't had to budget, handle school homework, sacrifice the things you want to do for the benefit of your partner / family. In short, you have been getting all the cream.. all the best of being in a relationship, without the hardship that goes with having an actual partner in life.

[gettingstronger]

Leave the kids out of it-

[Sassy Girl]

Having your AP meet your spouse and kids under the guise of friends is a whole added layer to the betrayal and deception. inhope you never have a Dday, because many would not be able to recover from such brazen disrespect and disregard.

[DKT3]

When I started reading this I was expecting you to be early to mid 20's. WOW.

 

Bring your kids around this guy? Unbelievable.

[Clay]

Clearly you really don't love your husband and your just using him to pass time and take care of you financially.

 

Its truly sad how people can just use others.

 

I feel bad for your husband. Why don't you do him a favor and let him read your post.

 

C

[Mr. Lucky]

Just had to share my almost 4 years of self imposed chaos with someone. Lesson: It's not a good idea to fall in love with someone else's man. Its very tough to turn the heart around. Back in 2011, I never EVER pictured it leading to here. Ever.

 

Simply don't understand your last statement. You had 4 years, the equivalent of 1460 days any one of which you could have decided to end the affair were it that painful or your life that dysfunctional.

 

And yet each day you woke up and made a conscious decision to continue on the path. So how can you now claim to be surprised at the destination ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shinebrightforever]

All of these comments are well deserved. It's part of the reason I decided to post. I need a reality check. To get out of my "fog", fantasy bubble...whatever it is. So thanks to all for the comments. But for those of you defending my husband, which is needed, if I can get away with a LTA of just shy of 4 years without suspicion...believe me, our marriage is less than intimate. We are less than attentive with one another. I have been emotionally withdrawn for a long while, and he has not been concerned. Not trying to justify..but it did make straying easier. I truly feel my LTA is over...I do not believe my MM partner will want to start up again. I am preparing for a full goodbye.

 

As for my age...sometimes I think my age has a lot to DO with it. But I get it...I feel mature in other areas in my life (have a successful career, have a lot of great friendships with women)..just have a huge secret that's dark. Very dark.

[nightmare01]

All of these comments are well deserved. It's part of the reason I decided to post. I need a reality check. To get out of my "fog", fantasy bubble...whatever it is. So thanks to all for the comments. But for those of you defending my husband, which is needed, if I can get away with a LTA of just shy of 4 years without suspicion...believe me, our marriage is less than intimate. We are less than attentive with one another. I have been emotionally withdrawn for a long while, and he has not been concerned. Not trying to justify..but it did make straying easier. I truly feel my LTA is over...I do not believe my MM partner will want to start up again. I am preparing for a full goodbye.

 

As for my age...sometimes I think my age has a lot to DO with it. But I get it...I feel mature in other areas in my life (have a successful career, have a lot of great friendships with women)..just have a huge secret that's dark. Very dark.

 

Background: my wife had a 3+ year EA/PA - preceded by a 4 to 8 year EA (hard to pin down when EA's start).

 

During that time we were both busy with our careers and raising our kids.

 

We lived quite a good distance from work, so we agreed that I would get the kids ready and take them to school in the morning, and she would pick them up in the afternoon. This meant that she got up and left home very early, and I got home from work very late. It was tough - but no matter my schedule I made sure I was home on weekends and that we would have a date night on most weekends.

 

We also took vacations together most years - including some really nice ones to Europe. I wined and dined her on her birthday, valentines day, and our anniversary - I bought her a very expensive diamond ring on our 12th wedding anniversary - took her to a posh restaurant and gave her the ring over desert.

 

So we were under stress, but I at least was doing everything I could think of to make it better.

 

My wife became distant. Then angry. And I could not figure out why. Every attempt I made to do something nice for her was met with an almost crazy rage. She threw things around the house, and my kids and myself were really stressed by it.

 

How did her LTA go on so long? She could say (like you) that I wasn't paying attention. From my perspective though, the reason it went on so long was that I TRUSTED her.

 

In a sense, I betrayed myself with that total trust. I would do tremendous mental gymnastics just to make what she was doing seem reasonable.

 

In the end though, I began to put the pieces together. I DID NOT want to believe what my intuition was telling me. Even though she was very good at hiding everything, I figured out what was going on even without direct evidence (circumstantial evidence only... but as you know that can convict just as well).

 

I confronted - she denied.. but in the end she ended her affair and confessed.

 

My point is that your husband trusts you - and that may be why your affair has gone on so long with out him confronting you. Sometimes when presented with a horrible painful reality, it's just easier to bury your head in the sand and hope that what you think is happening, isn't.

[lovinDKT3]

All of these comments are well deserved. It's part of the reason I decided to post. I need a reality check. To get out of my "fog", fantasy bubble...whatever it is. So thanks to all for the comments. But for those of you defending my husband, which is needed, if I can get away with a LTA of just shy of 4 years without suspicion...believe me, our marriage is less than intimate. We are less than attentive with one another. I have been emotionally withdrawn for a long while, and he has not been concerned. Not trying to justify..but it did make straying easier. I truly feel my LTA is over...I do not believe my MM partner will want to start up again. I am preparing for a full goodbye.

 

As for my age...sometimes I think my age has a lot to DO with it. But I get it...I feel mature in other areas in my life (have a successful career, have a lot of great friendships with women)..just have a huge secret that's dark. Very dark.

 

 

Just because he hasn't confronted you, it doesn't mean he is clueless. I had a 20 month affair and my husband was clued in the whole time, but he convinced himself that I would never do that.

 

You have no idea what he knows.

[road]

You must tell your BH. You are forcing BH to live a lie.

[m.snow]

is you husband also having an affair?

 

why not start communicating with your husband and go to counseling?

 

its normal for people to feel some sort of monotony in marriage. that's why it is essential to communicate.

 

why don't you want be truthful to your husband?

 

unless you go to marriage counseling with your husband. the chances of having an affair is likely to occur again.

 

from what i'm hearing from you, you're just sad that the MM is leaving you to stay with his wife.

 

and what you want from us is to console you in getting over him. but not getting back with your own husband and family.

 

it may show infidelity on the forum tag.

but most if not everyone here in the forum does not support infidelity.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks for sharing your story nightmare01. It's thought provoking for sure. I do believe he trusts me, even throughout the "signs" I'm sure I show. Unfortunately, I have found a way to compartmentalize this way of life...to a degree...and sometimes thinks it enhances my marriage by meeting needs my husband cannot, or hasn't. I find I'm much more "suspect" during this NC period then when me and my MM are connecting. I have even more difficulty keeping my emotions in check over these months then in the past years. I prob sound like a monster...it's good for me to get this out...helps me realize how unrealistic I'm being.

Sorry for your experience...sounds awful. I hope you were able to work things out? If your wife's experience is remotely similar to mine...I'm sure she never imagined it would get that far, and she would hurt you like that. Thanks again for sharing.

[Shinebrightforever]

Absolutely not looking for support of my decisions. No WAY. If so, I would have posted elsewhere. I'm appreciating the honesty...I want to get out of this situation. Yes...not going to lie...it hurts terrible. Even though it's wrong, immoral, twisted, dark, doesn't change that I fell in love with a married man who is not mine. I deserve it all....of that I am sure of. Just want to find reality again...that's all. Thanks snow.

[qubist]

ShineBrightforever, your story is not different from many that i read in this forum or other websites, I don't know if you are planing to go back and work on your relationship with your H or not but there are some facts that you should be aware of

1-MM in almost all stories I read never leave their wives for their affair partners, they come up with all sort of excuses and lies to keep the affair going on for the sex. their mind set is to have a SEXUAL relationship without the struggle of the day to day marriage life with their wives.

2- most of MW get in an affair to fill an emotional void in their relationship, they are venerable to be taken advantage of, there are a lot of predators that are looking for these kind of women to use them for sex specially online.

these 2 cases apply to you and your MM. if you think he would leave his wife for you you are wrooong. even if his wife leave him he will never go to yoiu because he already tagged you as the OM whom he uses for sex without the hustle of marriage.you are blinded by his "attention" and all the fake "romance" he provides just to keep you around for his sexual desire. whether you decide to stay with your H or not you should wake up and end this A now. it's like an addiction to a drug it might not be easy but you have to to get out, seek professional help ( IC) if needed.

Ic will also help you realize what you really want from your marriage. do not think that your H and kids are completely clueless. there has to be at least some affect on them. if you decide to stay with your H there will be a very important decision that you will have to make to confess or to deny. both have risks and challenges.