Random vents by OW...sorry

[66Charger]

I will NOT weigh in on any of that. Like I said, this is about YOUR future, YOUR life and YOUR happiness. Your first order of business doesnt change. Evict the OM. Based on this new information, it certainly doesnt appear you should be focused on reconciling.

 

After everyone post their thoughts and you reply, I am asking you to get back to the business of your SECOND LIFE, with neither of the two in it.

 

Strength and Honor

[Shinebrightforever]

I will add...once my A turned into a PA, I started being more okay with the deterioration in our M. It wasn't a conversation anymore. I no longer mentioned MC. It just..

Was.

 

So I stopped fighting for my M long ago, and that's fully on me. My A became that third leg you spoke of DKT3.

[Hope Shimmers]

I will add...once my A turned into a PA, I started being more okay with the deterioration in our M. It wasn't a conversation anymore. I no longer mentioned MC. It just..

Was.

 

So I stopped fighting for my M long ago, and that's fully on me. My A became that third leg you spoke of DKT3.

 

Thanks for sharing all of that SBF. I also won't comment on it. I agree with what 66Charger said - your focus should be on getting rid of the OM.

 

I too did not see any 'blameshifting' going on here, not by you or anyone else.

[66Charger]

And that is Fu×€==^ing abandonment.

[Shinebrightforever]

I will NOT weigh in on any of that. Like I said, this is about YOUR future, YOUR life and YOUR happiness. Your first order of business doesnt change. Evict the OM. Based on this new information, it certainly doesnt appear you should be focused on reconciling.

 

After everyone post their thoughts and you reply, I am asking you to get back to the business of your SECOND LIFE, with neither of the two in it.

 

Strength and Honor

 

Will do. Thanks 66Charger

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks for sharing all of that SBF. I also won't comment on it. I agree with what 66Charger said - your focus should be on getting rid of the OM.

 

I too did not see any 'blameshifting' going on here, not by you or anyone else.

 

Thanks Hope Shimmers. ? I certainly didn't see blame shifting from anyone else.

[understand50]

Thanks Hope Shimmers. ? I certainly didn't see blame shifting from anyone else.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

One step at a time, one step at a time. Get the OM out of your life, make it stick. I would also start to thinking about what you are going to do to improve your marriage, or if that is possible. Start thinking about what you and your husband can do. Small steps lead to better things, as you have stated the is took many small steps over time for the affair to happen.

 

I keep saying, what is your plan. May help with keeping NC, by writing down your goals, and some ideas on how to get there. Keeps your mind off the OM and on your life. We can help. Keep posting. This is a process, and small steps forward add up.

 

If you slip up, remember to not beat yourself up, just get up the next day and take small steps forward again. You cannot change the past just where you are going in the future.

 

As always, wish you luck.......

[Hope Shimmers]

SBF, sometimes it is baby steps just to get through the day. I remember vividly, even though it was years ago, having to take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, and then (a LONG process later) day by day. But every little bit is progress in the right direction.

[Shinebrightforever]

I do appreciate all comments. But i have to add...We ultimately, are to blame for the state of our M. Together. M is supposed to be a partnership...where the most intimate, honest, raw, genuine sharing is done. We lost that and stopped fighting to get it back. It's OUR fault for not putting the tough work in to address problems (sex declining, less communication) better...as they were happening. We BOTH made mistakes and failed eachother.

 

The A...is a wrong way to try and get needs met. It's MY fault for turning to that/allowing it/ finding myself there. It's dishonorable, deceitful...etc. it is a bad decision all the way around. H doesn't deserve it...nor did I think for one second that any comment from any individual on this thread thought he did.

 

The state of our M is a huge, enormous wound that needs healing or amputation. But I'll tell you right now, until this MM is out of my heart, thoughts, life...I won't be able to give myself fully to my M. If he wiggles back in, I swear I'll lose my momentum here. It's inevitable. If I fail to extricate MM from my life...or if I succeed. The fact remains, seeing this MM again is the first battle in my "war".

[Hope Shimmers]

I do appreciate all comments. But i have to add...We ultimately, are to blame for the state of our M. Together. M is supposed to be a partnership...where the most intimate, honest, raw, genuine sharing is done. We lost that and stopped fighting to get it back. It's OUR fault for not putting the tough work in to address problems (sex declining, less communication) better...as they were happening. We BOTH made mistakes and failed eachother.

 

The A...is a wrong way to try and get needs met. It's MY fault for turning to that/allowing it/ finding myself there. It's dishonorable, deceitful...etc. it is a bad decision all the way around. H doesn't deserve it...nor did I think for one second that any comment from any individual on this thread thought he did.

 

The state of our M is a huge, enormous wound that needs healing or amputation. But I'll tell you right now, until this MM is out of my heart, thoughts, life...I won't be able to give myself fully to my M. If he wiggles back in, I swear I'll lose my momentum here. It's inevitable. If I fail to extricate MM from my life...or if I succeed. The fact remains, seeing this MM again is the first battle in my "war".

 

This is exactly right.

 

You can't make clear decisions about your marriage while your heart is struggling to get over the MM.

[66Charger]

For Hope Shimmers

[qubist]

ShinebrightForever, as bad as the A was i really think you circumstances leading to it was worse, wow normally we ask a cheater " how can you do this?" but in your case I almost what to say how can't you do it. I feel for you my friend and wish the whole experience with all the pain and sorrow that have come with would make you a better person and most importantly a satisfied one.

I agree with you and some of the posters here, the biggest battle of your war is still ahead so focus on that. understand that the 2 situations you are in which are 1- A with MM 2- dysfunctional marriage are both destroying you and need to stop both of them, but at least you have the fortune to face one at a time. so let's beat situation#1 first, then see what you can do with 2.

just a side remark , not to disturb you from you main task for now, you M problem is not that big believe me it would've been a lot harder if your H was in cloud 9 still believing that your M is good and counting on your love before you slam him into a concrete floor by your A, which is not the case here I think he realizes the problem and you just have to open a new page based on honesty, if you do that, each one of you will know the direction, there will be a lot of options and only the 2 of you will chose. I'm confident you will get out of this winning yourself back and happy, yes with some wounds but you will be alright

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks Qubist. I do think there is something to say about WS being conflict avoidant people. I obviously feel that's true for me, maybe not in all A situations, but in many.

 

Thanks for being confident in me!

[turnera]

Fill your life with something positive. Where are you volunteering?

[Heatherknows]

You have lost your bond with your honor, integrity, joy and energy and you are trying out fill it up with shallow words of endearment and passionate embraces that are so loathsome in reality that you hide them all away because you know in your heart and your spirit that they are fantasy....a recreation of people and places as your ego needs them to be.

 

Grumps this is an amazing statement. If I wrote a book about adultery this is what I'd include.

[World's.Edge]

You know, this (new) added information would have been really helpful to know earlier. You left out A LOT in your previous posts. I know someone whose first husband turned out to be gay. They were married and had two children together and ended up divorcing before he came out.

 

I still don't agree with the affair because of the deception and hurt your affair has perpetuated. You were still involved with someone else's husband.

 

You were party to creating an awful marriage environment in your former married man and his wife's marriage that you have experienced in your marriage. The state of your marriage in recent years, and the neglect and major suck that you experienced in your marriage, you and your married man have inflicted on his wife and his marriage.

 

I'd be even more inclined to disclose the affair to your husband if I were you considering what you've revealed. Since it seems that you're both somewhat content with the type of marriage you have, an open marriage might work.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think it's pretty typical here that we often don't know the full dynamics of the main relationship, or at least we just hear one side of it. Doesn't necessarily change the recommended path, but it's something I try to keep in mind when replying to all threads.

[Shinebrightforever]

Yeah, felt there was a lot of ugly info to share about the A that took up enough space on this thread...

[Hope Shimmers]

How are you doing with No Contact today?

[Shinebrightforever]

Staying NC...for today.

Not easy.

Stories like yours inspire me to stay the course.

So thank you

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

 

I have never felt better about my life and future than I do right now.

[m.snow]

can you not bury yourself... with the love of you husband of course. if there is any?

 

cant you tell him to love you more? maybe H is a bit insensitive and you need to really tell him, like in a sit down and one on one conversation. that you want more intimacy.

(some men can just get it, until you really tell them face to face with a serious expression.)

 

have you already tested the waters? and ask your h about his opinions on other people having an affair?

 

from what i read in the previous post you have not yet told your husband?

[66Charger]

Shining Brite I said I wasnt going to address the subject but I received a call from my cousin about his brother (my cousin K) who isnt well. Earlier this year prior to my brothers funeral K came out as gay. He really thought there was going to be this big brouhaha and deep conversations, but we just laughed at him. We told him we knew that 25 years ago. We were all having a beer later and he told me that his biggest regret was not telling his family because of fear of how we would react. I told him that was really stupid. We are family. He came to the family reunion a few months later with his freind.

 

Shiningbrite based on your words, IMHO I think the best thing you can do for your H is to set him free to be who he is. You should also insure that your children accept who he is and that he is their Father. I think if he could have his families love and live his own life, that would be the best thing outcome for all. You can cohabitat for a bit in order to transition and coparent forever. There is no need for a open marriage. There is a need for a understanding divorce.

 

My views on a FEW things are a bit conservative and i know i am probaly not as liberal as say, my love interest Hope, but I cannot understand why someone would fake something for so long.

 

I may be wrong, but if I am right, you should free him. You both need to be at peace with this. Talk to him. Let him know its ok, Let him know that no matter what he is and always will be family

 

This isnt something you need to do today, but you should consider it.

 

Then get back to public enemy # 1

Edited August 15, 2015 by 66Charger

[m.snow]

wait wait i missed the part where H is gay?

 

you have to talk to him definitely. again just don't mention the affair yet and see where all of this is headed.

 

if he is gay i think, he'll somewhat understand you stepping out.

 

clearly this is heading somewhere but in a slightly awkward situation.

 

so open relationship it is? or amicable divorce?

[Hope Shimmers]

My views on a FEW things are a bit conservative and i know i am probaly not as liberal as say, my love interest Hope

 

I don't know if I would call myself liberal... maybe just open-minded. Which you are too. Not sure I would call you conservative, either. Maybe on a FEW things.

 

We'll work on it