66Charger Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 M snow, sometimes, you are way out there. Just joshing you bro (I think?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Well, this thread just got awesome. the silver lining to all this...is life does go on, other souls cross paths and maybe love is found. Maybe not, but the journey to finding out is more than worth it. Someday, I will most likely be there myself. But that time is not now. i would love to have my H and AP be the same person all rolled into one human with an honest heart to boot. But that will take a journey. I will not directly ask for a D. But the confession may do it for me. We have talked amicably about a D before. As for coming out of the closet...we both come from super conservative families...it would cause an uproar. I do wish to free H...yes. Or at least start that conversation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 so do you have definite proof he is gay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Proof that he is sexually attracted to males? Yes. Proof that it impacts our sex life? Yes. Proof that he's currently practicing? No. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 the universe aligned. i finally get it why this thread is titled "Random vents by OW...sorry" you know you could have started this thread with... my husband might be gay or is gay. and affecting our sex life. but still gay or not, cheating on him is still wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) Never disputed it was wrong. My reason for starting this thread was 100% about my A. Never intended to bring up the bi/gay/whatever thing. Why? Because I realize it's not a justification for that which I came here to talk about. Also...I may not have indisputable proof he is gay...just like he doesn't have indisputable proof of my A. Ponder that. Edited August 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 the universe aligned. i finally get it why this thread is titled "Random vents by OW...sorry" you know you could have started this thread with... my husband might be gay or is gay. and affecting our sex life. but still gay or not, cheating on him is still wrong. The thread wasn't about her husband/marriage! It was about her affair. This is the infidelity forum and guess what - people get to talk about their affairs here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Never disputed it was wrong. My reason for starting this thread was 100% about my A. Never intended to bring up the bi/gay/whatever thing. Why? Because I realize it's not a justification for that which I came here to talk about. Shinebrightforever, Good for you. Your Husband being gay is not a justification for your affair. It is grounds for divorce, or a understand on you getting the sex you need. Have you considered a open marriage? The issue is that you may get attached to your FWB, and not love and support your husband. So after you maintain No Contact for let say 3 months, I would then talk to your husband, and would do in MC if you can. I would make it a very frank an open conversation, and discuss your transgressions, but also the other issues in your marriage together. Take you time, be ready for all the fall out from this, or as ready as you can be. You come a long way, keep up the good work. As always, luck to you and yours......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Thanks understand50! Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 How is it going SB? Are you ready for the week? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Look, sometimes life is hard, or the monotony of stability can feel soul wrenching especially when you are used to drama and melodrama being played out in your family of origin or high school/college years. You get used to a certain amount of excitement and need that high that comes from being adventurous so you play with your feelings, the feelings of another man and your family dynamics to liven it up a bit. Sometimes, there are issues in a marriage that causes you to think that the grass is greener on the other side, or that your husband and family isn't providing everything you need to feel important and special. Then you make decisions such as the one you made, you get the high and the other person and the secrecy becomes an addiction. It is exciting, new and passionate...and you emotionally become involved because every bit of your oxytocin and adrenaline is being used in this duplicity and this relationship, without much being reserved for your husband or kids. You do everything you can for them, but with guilt, not love and so it starts to feel like a chore and your addiction, your AF becomes your focus. There is something lacking in you, something primal and at your core that you needed to fill it gratuitously while putting everything you love and value in danger. Some call it self esteem and some call it self loathing, but I call it lack of spirit. You have lost your bond with your honor, integrity, joy and energy and you are trying out fill it up with shallow words of endearment and passionate embraces that are so loathsome in reality that you hide them all away because you know in your heart and your spirit that they are fantasy....a recreation of people and places as your ego needs them to be. I have never had an affair but from counseling and mentoring over the years, this is what I have learned about people who cheat in an otherwise stable and functional marriage and family. This is about you not being present and aware in your blessings, in your family, and in your sacred commitment to your husband. Please consider all that you have already lost by being duplicitous and betraying your family, then see a professional counselor or mentor to help you to make things right with your husband, and most importantly with your spirit. The quality of life you have now is as hollow as a dead tree trunk. Best, Grumps I love most of this except "the monotony of stability " why would anyone want anything monotonous? If stability is monotonous why do it? It's up to Both partners in a relationship/ M to ensure this never happens Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Shining Brite I said I wasnt going to address the subject but I received a call from my cousin about his brother (my cousin K) who isnt well. Earlier this year prior to my brothers funeral K came out as gay. He really thought there was going to be this big brouhaha and deep conversations, but we just laughed at him. We told him we knew that 25 years ago. We were all having a beer later and he told me that his biggest regret was not telling his family because of fear of how we would react. I told him that was really stupid. We are family. He came to the family reunion a few months later with his freind. Shiningbrite based on your words, IMHO I think the best thing you can do for your H is to set him free to be who he is. You should also insure that your children accept who he is and that he is their Father. I think if he could have his families love and live his own life, that would be the best thing outcome for all. You can cohabitat for a bit in order to transition and coparent forever. There is no need for a open marriage. There is a need for a understanding divorce. My views on a FEW things are a bit conservative and i know i am probaly not as liberal as say, my love interest Hope, but I cannot understand why someone would fake something for so long. I may be wrong, but if I am right, you should free him. You both need to be at peace with this. Talk to him. Let him know its ok, Let him know that no matter what he is and always will be family This isnt something you need to do today, but you should consider it. Then get back to public enemy # 1 I completely agree. Also Shining please don't don't consider an open marriage. I don't choose at this time to discuss why on your thread, but I may message you. Look you already know the A was wrong, and you are doing good things being NC. You know about your H. When you feel ready, you both deserve happiness. It just probably won't be as H & W. Hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you for checking in, 66Charger. Read the book "The No Contact Rule"...that has helped strengthen my resolve in the event MM reaches out. I still have waves of nausea hit me when I think of potentially seeing him. NewLeaf...feel free to PM me whenever! Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Okay, this is ridiculous. I struggle to believe that there is a capable, mature, functioning adult woman on the other end of these posts. You're having such difficulty with self-restraint when it concerns this man, you need books to strengthen your resolve.. seriously??? You realize that you are talking about a man right? A normal, male human being. There is nothing exceptional or extraordinary about him. In fact, he is on the other end of that spectrum. Someone who cheats on his wife, and lies, deceives and manipulates the people in his life, including you. It shouldn't be an impossible task for you to distance yourself from him and not fawn over him like a teenager. At this point, if you fall back into the affair it is because you want to, it'll be a choice that you make. Maybe all the drama, the "thrill" and excitement of doing something "forbidden" and naughty and all that other affair rubbish is just too much of a draw for you to consider anything else in your life, including your integrity and self-respect. Not only has your conduct with him just been utterly wrong [i.e. you sleeping with a man who is married (i.e. you sleeping with another woman's husband) and cheating on your own husband] there is also no endgame to this. All any further interaction between you two will serve to do is just carry on the adulterous behaviour you have been involved in. Affairs tend to be ugly when revealed and hurt a lot of people. What you feel now concerning him will pale in comparison to what you will feel then when you see how it affects your family and friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Holy $&@$ did I need that slap in the face today! I am not going to argue your points, Worlds Edge. I truly am pathetic right now. I do not like who I am. I do not like what I have become. I do not like that this has claimed so much of my energy, time, emotion. I do not like that I let another human claim such an important place in my life...by my own permission. I bought the book because I feel scared TO go back to the A, and I know it's the worst thing I could do! If someone said staining my flesh blue would make my desire for the MM to go away...I would consider it. have I bought a self help ebook before? Nope. Have I read it cover to cover since I purchased it? Yup. I know he's a d-bag, and I need to flee from him and stop pining for him. I am grabbing, white knuckling things to help me stay strong as I know our paths will soon cross again. It may be pitiful. But it's working. I'm still NC. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I have a different book for you to read. It's called Angela's Ashes. It's about a man's struggles through childhood in an utterly destitute family, a mother who endures hellish things in her life just to take care of her kids, sticks with a horrible - yet loving - husband, and how this all molds the man, molds him to become one of the most beloved people I've ever read about (and it's a true story). Not only is it profoundly well written, but it's the kind of thing that really sticks with you, should have a major effect on you and how you look at life. Maybe it will help pull you out of your self-absorbed obsession. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Taking some lumps this morning, eh Shiningbrite?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thanks, Tunera. I'll absolutely look into it. Yes, 66Charger. On the chin. But it's deserved and part of the reason I posted in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thanks, Tunera. I'll absolutely look into it. Yes, 66Charger. On the chin. But it's deserved and part of the reason I posted in the first place. You have not taken anything on anywhere. If you want to end this mess now then send the OM a NC letter, block him, expose the affair to the OMW, confess to your BH. 23 pages 344 posts You are not doing anything productive. Except you are enjoying the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 You have not taken anything on anywhere. If you want to end this mess now then send the OM a NC letter, block him, expose the affair to the OMW, confess to your BH. 23 pages, 344 posts You are not doing anything productive. Except you are enjoying the drama. She has been productive. She has sent the No Contact letter, has maintained No contact for 10? days. She has posted a bit on how and what she is going to do to confess to her BH, but first she needs to draw the arrow of the OM out. This cannot be done on anyone time table except hers. I think she is doing fine. She will get to the "expose the affair to the OMW, confess to your BH.", but not today. Today she is going to maintain no contact. Keep it up Shinebrightforever, things will get better. As always I wish you luck going forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 ShinebrightForever, you are by far my favorite "cheater" LOL, I like how you react to all the jabs at your chin that you receive here. I wonder how you and H are doing, i suggest you go an give him a hug, and see how he reacts to it, may that would just break any misunderstanding and bring some honesty between you guys 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Understand50....thanks for having my back and for your kindness. I do understand to many I look like an unproductive mess who can't get her stuff together. i wish the little I have done was easier. But even that felt like a feat. Anyway, thanks again. Qubist...thanks...I think!? actually, you are one of my fave posters, so thanks for coming back and checking on me. I will promise I'll do what you said and give H a hug. It truly does need to get back to giving to him in any way I can. Not into drama.. But I'm into healing and processing my feelings here. So thanks to everyone who lets me do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You have not taken anything on anywhere. If you want to end this mess now then send the OM a NC letter, block him, expose the affair to the OMW, confess to your BH. 23 pages 344 posts You are not doing anything productive. Except you are enjoying the drama. Either read the entire thread and understand or shut the blank up. She s putting in the effort, one day at a time and she post almost daily with her struggles. She is not enjoying this drama. War if you wish, but to say she has done nothing is ×#&÷&÷£×¥. Clear? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Thanks a ton for sticking up for me, 66Charger. Means a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Sorry, I haven't followed this very well. Have you told your husband yet? Link to post Share on other sites
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