Random vents by OW...sorry

[nightmare01]

If you want to be closer to your husband - stop lying to him.

 

Lies are a wedge that you shove between yourself and the person you are lying to. If you're not honest with someone how can you have any sort of real intimacy with them?

[Shinebrightforever]

Huh Worlds Edge? Okay, I might be stalling. But of course the approach isn't the issue here. I'm afraid of AFTER it and I will NOT do it in front of the kids. Approaching him all willy nilly like is NOT going to happen.

 

The way you make it sound is like we were walking to the mailbox, talking about our day, and then WHAM-O. Oh yeah, H....I've been cheating on you for 4 years....and how was your day?

 

 

Just not how I am going to do it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Honestly I'm torn between thinking that you should tell him as soon as possible and thinking that you should have an end game in mind when you tell him -which you don't yet have. Of course the end game would require his buy-in, but I also can't see saying to him, "Husband, I've been cheating on you for the last 4 years. And OM still occupies my brain space. Now what?"

[nightmare01]

There isn't a good way to receive news like this, and I understand your concern about your children - just be sure not to use that as an excuse to remain dishonest.

 

Do you and your husband exchange email during the day?

 

My WW emailed her confession to me while I was on a business trip.. 3 thousand miles away. It was a tough way to find out, BUT it gave me time to think and compose myself. After I flew home we held off talking until the kids were down in bed and asleep.

[World's.Edge]

Huh Worlds Edge? Okay, I might be stalling. But of course the approach isn't the issue here. I'm afraid of AFTER it and I will NOT do it in front of the kids. Approaching him all willy nilly like is NOT going to happen.

 

The way you make it sound is like we were walking to the mailbox, talking about our day, and then WHAM-O. Oh yeah, H....I've been cheating on you for 4 years....and how was your day?

 

 

Just not how I am going to do it.

 

Obviously you shouldn't confess in front of the children, that would be insane.

 

Might be stalling, no might about it. You say you're afraid, but not afraid enough to reach out to the married adulterer? What if he had wanted to start up again??

 

The way I'm trying to make it sound is that ultimately, the timing, conditions and environment under which you do confess won't matter as much as the fact that you're confessing.

 

Obviously there are circumstances under which you shouldn't tell him, like: while he's driving, operating a power tool, defusing a bomb, before an important speech, while he's balancing on a tightrope hundreds of metres above ground without a safety net, handling a vial that contains a highly contagious pathogen, etc.

 

Also, no weekends away, individual therapy or telling him at a later date will lessen the confession. If you told him while he was high on ecstasy or gifted him a Lamborghini perhaps, but otherwise all of this delay will have little effect, and might make it worse.

 

No one here is telling you anything that you don't already know. If/When you do confess, like with most things we procrastinate on that we eventually end up doing, you're going to wish that you had done it earlier.

Edited September 2, 2015 by World's.Edge

[nightmare01]

Most of the BS's I've chatted with - and I've talked with a lot of BS's - believe that the affair end when the confession comes, on Dday as we call it.

 

It doesn't matter if you've not seen or spoken to your AP for weeks, months, even years, because the lying continued, and as long as the lies and manipulation continued the affair continued as well.

 

Any remaining feelings you have for your AP may well change when you confess. When my WW finally talked face to face (this was after her email confession) I just came a part. Until then I was just trying to hold myself together and not make a mess of myself in public. I literally crumbled to the floor, and I think that is when my WW realized the significance of what she did, and saw the pain that she caused. In the end I think that cemented the end of anything she had going on in her mind about her OM.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the thoughts.

 

I can't go fully NC with the MM for a while, due to circumstances outside my control. Had to see him tonight again (work related). However, he hasn't responded to my online message yet which is great. It seems he only seeks me out when our paths cross, no longer in an online/secret fashion. Then I try and avoid him in person, but messaged him online. It's jacked!!!!

 

My plan is to avoid him as much as I can And not engage him in any way.,

 

Nightmare, I appreciate you sharing your personal story with me. Sorry you experienced that. You are right. If I saw my H crumble...that would be a reality check.

 

Thanks for clarifying Worlds Edge.

I realize confession may be key to me being able to move forward in both shutting out MMs space in my mind and heart, but also to figure out my marriage. Thanks everyone for your thoughts on that.,

Edited September 3, 2015 by Shinebrightforever

[m.snow]

could you list down your fear's! of revealing the truth to your bh.

1.)?

2.)?

 

maybe then people here can give a little bit more advice.

[Hope Shimmers]

could you list down your fear's! of revealing the truth to your bh.

1.)?

2.)?

 

maybe then people here can give a little bit more advice.

 

She did that. Read 66Charger's earlier post to her and her response.

 

So many of these posts focus on her marriage, which of course is critical but I think she is dealing with so much here at once. I hope she feels free here to talk, discuss, vent, etc about how she feels about ending the relationship with ex-MM, because that is a vital part of how she will ever make it back into her marriage. First things first.

[MuddyFootprints]

Alternatively, you have put your story out there and have received some great feedback.

 

Take a couple of days to digest it.

 

Read as much as you can. The pieces will eventually begin fitting into place for you.

[Shinebrightforever]

I know it may seem weak, ridiculous, lame, childish, insane...self-loathing...etc, that I still have to process this A and getting MM out of my mental space. Okay, i get it, I realize it. I was in deep, and it seems every time I see him, I am set back a little, and I still have behaviors that I do to "feed" the thoughts and desires.

If you want to know why it seems this processing is taking longer, please refer to my original post. I held on that he'd be "back" after summer. Yes, I lost precious time healing, holding out hope. I didn't think I was...but holy crap, I was. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been in such denial. Now I need to finish what I started in July...and grieve it ALL. Realize it's ALL over. Not leave anything unprocessed or "on the table". That's my mission right now.

He needs to be outta there before my H can take up what's rightfully his.

[understand50]

I know it may seem weak, ridiculous, lame, childish, insane...self-loathing...etc, that I still have to process this A and getting MM out of my mental space. Okay, i get it, I realize it. I was in deep, and it seems every time I see him, I am set back a little, and I still have behaviors that I do to "feed" the thoughts and desires.

If you want to know why it seems this processing is taking longer, please refer to my original post. I held on that he'd be "back" after summer. Yes, I lost precious time healing, holding out hope. I didn't think I was...but holy crap, I was. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been in such denial. Now I need to finish what I started in July...and grieve it ALL. Realize it's ALL over. Not leave anything unprocessed or "on the table". That's my mission right now.

He needs to be outta there before my H can take up what's rightfully his.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

No just human. Look this is a hard thing to do. Get the MM out of your life or at least to a small annoyance. Look to your husband for you emotional support, but you will soon have to tell him. Be ready and do it in a place and time to protect the children.

 

Remember, you MM is lost to you. Except as a little on the side, you will never be with him. Remember, you are worth more then this. Set a date and keep it, but first step is to set a date for your talk with your husband. Maintain NC as best you can with MM. This is going to a long journey, but you do have step out going forward for this to work.

 

Wish you luck

[MJJean]

Maybe it's different for everyone, but I believe that honesty is necessary for true and total healing. If you want your husband back in his rightful place in your heart and mind, you can't have barriers. You can't leave tiny pieces of yourself that are related to this affair and are hidden from your H because those places in you will always belong to your ex AP. You need to tell him.

[66Charger]

Hello Shiningbrite. How is your weekend.

[turnera]

every time I see him, I am set back a little

shinebright...this is the gist of your situation.

 

If you want to move on...ensure that you never see him again.

 

Period.

[66Charger]

It is time for you to make some concrete moves. Think about this before you reply. What steps can you take that are solid and will help your situation. Have you had any further contact?

[merrmeade]

Or on the flip side, it's an attempt to purge your guilt by making the other person carry the load with you. A big ol "hey, i feel like crap, so I'm going to dump on you so you feel like crap too."

 

Nothing especially selfless in admitting you did something to somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better. How many people here say the revelation of an affair blindsided them and they never saw it coming? And are we going to pretend that blindside is better than admitting you screwed up to yourself, reinvesting in your marriage, and not taking that extra step of pretending you did the world a favor in heaping your guilt on somebody else's shoulders for a supposed "fresh start?" Doubly so if you're getting a divorce and leaving anyway.

 

I think people on here confuse their need to find the nearest stake to hang all the cheaters from with some sort of moral imperative. As in, you, a total random anonymous person, think they're scum, therefore the whole of the real world "deserves to know who you really are" and thus you are wrong for not telling.

 

As everybody is so nice to remind her, she has kids to think about and that may mean that she she needs to suck it up buttercup and figure out how to fix her life by herself, without the ritualized flogging the pretense of lobbing a bomb out there as some sort of grand gesture of attonement.

This is so convoluted, it's fascinating!

 

So, let me get this straight: YOu were always keeping it secret for THEIR good. And now that it's over, it's a freaking sacrifice - YOURS, no less - not to tell, right? And the sacrifice is, what?, a chance at redemption? Attonement? So, this means continuing the dishonesty is a selfless act of piety that logically follows all the other selfless acts?

 

Makes more sense to continue the affair if she's going to lie about it anyway.

 

Addendum to #467:

I can no longer edit that one because of my own post but would like to say I did not mean for this line - "She's not morally or emotionally developed enough to want that or even understand why it's important," to be a character attack. I mean that anyone in that stage of awareness following an affair is not ready to get why it's important to inflict that kind of horror on themselves and their families and it IS a matter of development.

Edited September 6, 2015 by merrmeade
explain comment, spelling error

[DKT3]

This is so convoluted, it's fascinating!

 

So, let me get this straight: YOu were always keeping it secret for THEIR good. And now that it's over, it's a freaking sacrifice - YOURS, no less - not to tell, right? And the sacrifice is, what?, a chance at redemption? Attonement? So, this means continuing the dishonesty is a selfless act of piety that logically follows all the other selfless acts?

 

Makes more sense to continue the affair if she's going to lie about it anyway.

 

Addendum to #467:

I can no longer edit that one because of my own post but would like to say I did not mean for this line - "She's not morally or emotionally developed enough to want that or even understand why it's important," to be a character attack. I mean that anyone in that stage of awareness following an affair is not ready to get why it's important to inflice that kind of horror on themselves and their families and it IS a matter of development.

 

Its really a matter of not being able to relate. When I was in my early teens my dad use to have back spasms. I remember thinking "OMG, what a baby". Then many years later I had a bout with back spasms and I thought I was having a heart attacks, had lovin rush me to the ER. The pain was something I simply didn't understand until it was my own.

 

RHM has a different experince with affairs she simply can't relate. It all worked out for her. Just don't understand how anyone can truly believe its selfless to not be honest about their life. I honestly think is even worse when one leaves the marriage without being honest about why they left. Leaving the BS thinking its their issue, that is a special kind of evil.

[Hope Shimmers]

Re-directing back to the OP...

 

It is time for you to make some concrete moves. Think about this before you reply. What steps can you take that are solid and will help your situation. Have you had any further contact?

 

^^^This^^^

 

Concrete steps forward. Do you have any?

[66Charger]

I have learned it is not a good sign when you go dark.

 

Also, it looks like someone is back from vacation.. Havent read a merrmeade post in awhile.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the delay in response time., As for the concrete things...continue to avoid MM at all costs. Continue to block MM.

Changed IC therapist..continue to do that to expel MM for my heart and mind.

 

Confession to H when further healed.

 

Another MM pursued me this past spring...i had no problem shutting him out. Literally lasted a few days of him emailing and me telling him to go away. Wouldn't you know it...HE emailed me this week.

 

I just want to give up and go dark in all areas of my life.,

 

No I am NOT a serial cheater!!!!!!!

[Shinebrightforever]

To weigh in on all the responses. I am a firm believer in confession, I don't see how H and I can heal, move forward and have any intimacy with this huge secret inside. My IC therapist is shocked that in 4 years I haven't shared this secret with anyone...and I didn't, not until LS. I am no longer the same person I was in 2011. I have conditioned myself to hide hurt, pain, worry, bliss...it's been a while since I've been authentic. Now I feel everything so intensely...yet, I'm still hiding it. Confession will not only free my H to make a sound decision, but it will finally free me to show him my true self too. So he knows who I truly am.

 

But MM needs to continue to be expelled first.

 

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

[understand50]

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the delay in response time., As for the concrete things...continue to avoid MM at all costs. Continue to block MM.

Changed IC therapist..continue to do that to expel MM for my heart and mind.

 

Confession to H when further healed.

 

Another MM pursued me this past spring...i had no problem shutting him out. Literally lasted a few days of him emailing and me telling him to go away. Wouldn't you know it...HE emailed me this week.

 

I just want to give up and go dark in all areas of my life.,

 

No I am NOT a serial cheater!!!!!!!

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

merrmeade, has a good post for you, and a lot of what she says will be helpful to you. What 66 charger and I want for you, (along with many others) is to you to reclaim your life, and your self respect. You know that keeping NC is the right thing. Not getting involved with another MM is the right thing, and we do see some progress.

 

As for telling your husband, I for one, believe that you need to do it when you are ready. Keep in mind that truth may not be on your time table, and could come out before you are ready, so have a plan for that as well. Telling your husband will be hard, but you are up for the challenge. Set a date, post it here, we will remind you.

 

If he gives you a 2nd chance, and you want a 2nd chance, we can help you with reconciliation. A good place to start would be to read merrmeade's post. If he or you decide to divorce, we can give some insight as well.

 

You are going to have to take action at some point. It will be sooner then you realize. I think you know this, going NC with your AP was the first step, but the second is being honest to your husband, the third will be reconciliation or divorce. You can control what is coming or be controlled by it. Think about what you want, and keep in mind those you love.

 

As always, I wish you luck, and am pulling for you.

[m.snow]

procrastinating will only make this harder.

worst it would even make you forget about confessing.

 

set a dead line within this month or this week.

 

the sooner you do this confession, the faster everyone can move on.

 

how to speed up the confession?

write a time line in a letter. so question by bh are reduced.

 

are you already done with the timeline. make it as your assignment

[66Charger]

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the delay in response time., As for the concrete things...continue to avoid MM at all costs. Continue to block MM.

Changed IC therapist..continue to do that to expel MM for my heart and mind.

 

Confession to H when further healed.

 

Another MM pursued me this past spring...i had no problem shutting him out. Literally lasted a few days of him emailing and me telling him to go away. Wouldn't you know it...HE emailed me this week.

 

I just want to give up and go dark in all areas of my life.,

 

No I am NOT a serial cheater!!!!!!!

 

Ok, settle down. No one is saying you are a seriel cheater. Tomorrow, send a HARSH email to the other MM, shutting this down again and make sure you threaten exposure to his wife and your husband. Get that done.

 

It is easy to go dark. To put things off and internalize. To just exist. Sometimes I have to do it for my soul and in order to maintain faith in humanity. The one thing that you must not forget is that you came here for a purpose. No one knows when your journey will end, or how it will end, but use the assistance you are receiving here. Do not just listen to the pillows and tissues. Your story is so complicated, and i feel you are truly stuck. Your AP has been your defacto husband. This is more than NC. This is a divorce. And you.may have to go thru 2 divorces. Either way, it must come to a resolution.

 

Most posters here write from there heart and mean well even if it is harsh. This is now part of your journey to find your way. Do not fear writing because you may disappoint people. We may not like what we hear, but it is better than you going dark. Post what you can. No one is going anywhere.