Random vents by OW...sorry

[DKT3]

Thanks Qubist.

 

Well, MM already reached out to me. Long story....showed up at an event that I had more reason to be at then he did. Was not expecting to see him at ALL. At first, was standoffish. Then, as I was leaving, he followed me and one of my kids to the car. He was talking with one of my kids more than me. Ended up saying to my kid" you know I love ya right?" They were goofing off, so my kid thought it was all in fun...ugh, this is so wrong. Then proceeded to give me excuses to why he hasn't been reaching out...(my kid was distracted by peers at this time) and said "I'm still interested in this, we will have to catch up again sometime".

 

I didn't give him anything, any reassurances on my end. But was so taken off guard, didn't pepper spray him either. Have not reached out to him since then. Neither has he.

 

Oh the humanity.

 

You are making progress, but you by not shutting him down with a "no thanks" or "not interested you did give him reassurance. And for that he will be back baiting you and trying to draw you back in.

[qubist]

I seriously didn't think he would try and reconnect. I didn't believe he would have the audacity to try and keep me on a string.

of course he wants to keep you on a string. Now i know for sure that his intentions were bad since day one, that was nothing on what you have said before that proved it till this. he is indeed a predator and sees you as his pray. he has no interest on you except for the sex that you gave him. this is an old technique though trying to get you playing with your son.

he needs to realize that you are not as week as you used to be., and the only way to do it is by ignoring him.

I wish you had told him to F****K off, but :sick:

do not give up

[Shinebrightforever]

I mentioned the no contact letter and he claims he never received it. I sent it to his secret account and he said he hasnt been on that since we parted ways weeks ago. Not sure on that. He did have a shocked look on his face.

 

He also claimed he had a recommitment to his religion and that was why he struggled contacting me. That his heart is torn. He knows he should do the right thing, but doesn't want to let me go. I do believe he struggles with guilt.

[Shinebrightforever]

Btw...Qubist....drafted a F*** off email to him!! I almost sent it, but figured he'd enjoy knowing he got under my skin.

[qubist]

I mentioned the no contact letter and he claims he never received it. I sent it to his secret account and he said he hasnt been on that since we parted ways weeks ago. Not sure on that. He did have a shocked look on his face.

 

He also claimed he had a recommitment to his religion and that was why he struggled contacting me. That his heart is torn. He knows he should do the right thing, but doesn't want to let me go. I do believe he struggles with guilt.

he probably does struggle, most people do not know how to deal with this issues. tell him to come to LS we will guide him lol

[turnera]

I seriously didn't think he would try and reconnect. I didn't believe he would have the audacity to try and keep me on a string.

Then you are naive. Players will play.

[Shinebrightforever]

the F-off email was very long. And very colorful. It'd give me great joy to send it. Not sure NC is going to stick for me with that honey of an email sitting in the wings.....

[66Charger]

Send the email. Modify it so it doesnt show anger. Today. To all of his email addresses. And enjoy sending it. We told you he would try. Listen. Read here. Stay in contact with us.

[Shinebrightforever]

Charger...

Then I need to rewrite the ENTIRE email..

Yeah, I know you were all right. I guess I thought he'd move on from it.

[World's.Edge]

I seriously didn't think he would try and reconnect. I didn't believe he would have the audacity to try and keep me on a string.

Why did you think he wouldn't try to reach out to you? That's what adulterous men do, it's like their profession. They have an affair(s) and try to maintain it for as long said affair is convenient. It's rare for a married man to end an affair indefinitely on his own.

 

He also claimed he had a recommitment to his religion and that was why he struggled contacting me. That his heart is torn. He knows he should do the right thing, but doesn't want to let me go. I do believe he struggles with guilt.

If he really struggled with guilt then he wouldn't have attempted to reconnect with you.. in front of your children, who I'm sure would feel different about him and his 'you know I love ya right?' comment if they knew his intentions.

 

His behaviour is typical of adulterous men. With the 'his heart being torn' and struggles with guilt' lines I'm convinced more than ever that there is a class that married men having affairs take .. at the very least a textbook on how to behave and what dumb s*** to say.

 

Sending him a No Contact email, text message, call, etc usually isn't enough to end it. To him that's all part of the challenge, chase and excitement of this all.

 

Usually, the only sure way to end an affair with a married man is exposure of the affair or when the risk of exposure is high. Protecting their interests is paramount to adulterous married men. In this instance, his interests (finances, household, security, image, lifestyle, reputation, etc) are tied to his marriage. He won't pursue the affair if you threaten his interests, and exposure of the affair is a threat to those interests.

 

I wouldn't bother with an email, just call him and tell him that it's over. Tell him that you're working on your marriage and that if he attempts to continue the affair, you have evidence of the affair and that you will tell his wife. Tell him that your husband also knows of the affair and has agreed to not confront him or tell his wife as long as he doesn't contact you, but if he does, you will inform your husband and your husband will go HAM on him and tell his wife.

Edited August 25, 2015 by World's.Edge

[66Charger]

I wouldn't bother with an email, just call him and tell him that it's over. Tell him that you're working on your marriage and that if he attempts to continue the affair, you have evidence of the affair and that you will tell his wife. Tell him that your husband also knows of the affair and has agreed to not confront him or tell his wife as long as he doesn't contact you, but if he does, you will inform your husband and your husband will go HAM on him and tell his wife.

 

I agree with the context of WE message, but not calling. Calling leads to conversation. At this point, you are not strong enough to conversate. Send the email, then block his emails. This shuts down the conversation.

 

Get it done before your next contact, which I think is tomorrow?

[understand50]

Shinebrightforever,

 

Remember that biggest part of the whole "No Contact" equation, is you. It takes two to tango, so if you refuse to engage him, there is no contact. At some point he will know you are not interested. This is up to you, you have the control, you just have to use it.

 

Keep strong, and I wish you luck.

[qubist]

do not give up don't give up do not give up, NC is about you not him.

we can sit and argue his intentions but that's not what's about. I really believe he is a predator who knows how venerable you were and tried to hold a string on you. but even if he was innocent and somehow confused by the A it would still be better for both of you to maintain the NC and move on

[66Charger]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-m6gvYHMSs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

This is you and this is us. Watch and believe

[Shinebrightforever]

I know he's at work again today, and he hadn't reached out to me...so that's good. I am not going to the meeting tomorrow. I am going to fake sick. Yup, some may say that's a comp-out, but after seeing me get all weak in the knees last week...its for the best.

 

i get what you all are saying, and testosterone is powerful and all..but I still believe he is trying to stay NC on his end too and had a relapse when he saw me. He hasn't reached out since, and i guess he was at work all last week as well. Or...he's an f-in monster...and I'm naive living the Little House on the Prairie life. Either.

 

Didn't send the f-off email yet, but hope to tonight before bed.

 

Surprised this still so hard 3 months out. Gosh...I'm so strong in other areas of my life.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. They sure are appreciated! Hope you all are well.

[Furious]

Our affair LTA was an EA gir the first year. However the next three years.our relationship was both emotional and physical....passionate, rich, fun, and we told each other we loved one another. Our families even met, he spending time with my kids, and me spending time with his. We even met each others parents.

 

Recently, he had a mini D-day when his wife found an email from me. He said he was able to persuade his wife we were still just friends, but she remains hyper vigilant about it and watches his every move. He said to me that he didn't want to say goodbye...but we had to lay low for a while. Evening and weekend communication ceased, but other than that, our connection remained.

 

Well, that is, until A few months ago. He said he would call when he could...but it truly feels we have been NC for 2 months.

 

Ran into him unexpectedly the other day and as he was standing away from his wife...said I was still important to him and he was looking forward to "work" again. Now...going through grief again. He looked so amazing, even as he trotted away through the sunflower field to be with her.

 

I know I should end it...my heart is exhausted...up until I hear from him or see him again...then my heart goes "oh yeah, this feels amazing, he is amazing". Away from him I feel empty, apathetic about my life, unconcerned, sad. I know I suck at being my fun self when I'm going through withdraw...people in my life don't deserve this, but it's so hard to let go.

 

We are both married with kids. He is in his upper 40s, I'm early 40s. My husband has no idea and truly thinks we are just friends. First A for both MM and myself. I do understand staying connected is tough, but going NC is brutal. I realize I'm scum...no need to point that out. Just had to share my almost 4 years of self imposed chaos with someone.

 

Lesson: It's not a good idea to fall in love with someone else's man. Its very tough to turn the heart around. I never EVER pictured it leading to here. Ever

 

 

Gently...389 posts later it appears that you've made little progress in either fixing or leaving your marriage. You rarely mention your husband and continuously mention the ex-mm. You don't even seem concerned about how your children are being used as pawns by the ex-mm and his slick "you know I love you" to your kid meanwhile stringing you along with the chance to restart the affair in the near future.

 

At this point, no real d-days have happened for either you or the ex-mm and perhaps it's a false sense of security that you're not dealing with the probability of imploding both your families.

 

I hope you that you take this time to really reflect on who you are and live up to it.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Furious

[Shinebrightforever]

Very true, Furious. I think my hardest part has been getting MM out of my mental space (obviously). I have trashed all pics, gifts, etc...have gone NC, but still can't get him out of my mind. I have done what the "experts" suggest and started a new hobby, I stay busy, started doing more with my H to try and reignite the spark, going to IC...blahhhbhhhhh.

 

I guess my posts show where my head is still at.

 

You are very right. Not having a d-day prob gives a huge false sense of security.

[66Charger]

Then have your DDay.

 

Tonight.

 

Tell your Husband.

 

Also have him tell you about his last 4 years.

 

Get it done, its time

 

Do not fear.

 

Strength and Honor

Edited August 26, 2015 by 66Charger

[Shinebrightforever]

Charger...

 

Wow. That's a tall order there sir!

 

Do not fear!?!? You're kidding, right? How in the heck can I not fear THAT? Not everyone is as sure and strong like you, Charger. I fear that moment more than words can say. Hence why I haven't done it yet...

 

Scares the h#%^ out of me. Obviously I should have thought of this 4 years ago...I get it, I get it.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Shinebrightforever

[66Charger]

Why? Lets be honest, what do you think will really happen? My guess, not much.

I wonder which of the two of you will be the most relieved

[DKT3]

Charger...

 

Wow. That's a tall order there sir!

 

Do not fear!?!? You're kidding, right? How in the heck can I not fear THAT? Not everyone is as sure and strong like you, Charger. I fear that moment more than words can say. Hence why I haven't done it yet...

 

Scares the h#%^ out of me. Obviously I should have thought of this 4 years ago...I get it, I get it.

 

IDK, the BH in me says tell, confess and be prepared for whatever happens. If I'm thinking what's best for you and your husband in your situation, I say hold off continue to distance yourself from MM and re-engage with your husband as much as you can.

 

Now your D-Day would change your focus, in that moment (confession) your MM will seem less important. I once read that WS in this situation will likely cling to whichever is closest to the door. Meaning, your main focus is your MM, as long as your husband is in the dark your marriage is safe so it needs little focus or attention.

 

I say stick to the plan.

 

1) Distance from MM

 

2) Re-engage with your husband and kids (yes your children have also been getting less of you over the past four years)

 

3) decide what path you want and get rid of anything that pulls you off that path.

 

4) live authenic from that point forward.

 

Confessing NOW I believe will leave you less equiped to deal with the fall out because your so wrapped up in MM. Its the reason that you can put the nail it this thing once and for all. YOU ARE STILL HOLDING OUT HOPE, even it only 5-10%.

[66Charger]

Very true, Furious. I think my hardest part has been getting MM out of my mental space (obviously). I have trashed all pics, gifts, etc...have gone NC, but still can't get him out of my mind. I have done what the "experts" suggest and started a new hobby, I stay busy, started doing more with my H to try and reignite the spark, going to IC...blahhhbhhhhh.

 

I guess my posts show where my head is still at.

 

You are very right. Not having a d-day prob gives a huge false sense of security.

 

These are your words SB. Read your last sentence. That is why I posted for you to have your DDay. Deep down, what is your real fear? Loss of the family? Probaly not going to happen. Loss of the AP. Good chance that will happen.

 

Quietly consider it. Without the drama. Speak to your H as your freind. It is not a tall order, but if you are not ready, The world will not end. You dont have to reply to this post OR CONFESS. Again, quietly consider ending your drama today.

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[qubist]

Shinebright: i would respectfully disagree with charger66 this time. hold on to confessing anything, I don't see you ready for both battles at the same time. focus on ending your A first,

Meanwhile focus on your kids like DKT said, they need you more than anybody else including H and MM. as for your H, try to see what his up to , did you give him a hug yet?

[TX-SC]

Ugh, your poor husband! Everything in this post is about how bad you are hurting and how much it sucks to be YOU. Your husband is still in the dark. The only way you are ever truly going to get over the OM is to tell your husband and bring EVERYTHING into the open. Then, either divorce and move on or reconcile and figure our what the hell is wrong with your marriage and why you don't love your husband as much as you love the OM. It's really never going to get better until you do this.

 

Don't drag out this pain anymore. Just do it, then deal with the consequences. Your marriage will either end or it will get better because you now are on the same page.

 

My best wishes are with you to do the right thing and come clean. It'll hurt, and rightfully so, but your conscience will be clean (or at least cleaner) and you can start to heal.

[66Charger]

Shining Brite wether you confess or not, it is time to address that fear.

What are you really afraid of?

Divorce? A split family?

Are you afraid of your Husbands possible confession?

Are you afraid of the end of your AP fantasy?

Spend tomorrow focusing only on your fear of confessing.

 

Lets assume you are both having affairs

How would you handle that?

Could you work something out and live together peacefully until children are not a factor?

Is your Husband still your freind?

 

What if your husband has known for a long time?

Some people suggest that you run from your fears. To wait until you have no fear. i am asking you to address them. To look them straight in the eye. Decipher that fear. Fear of failure? Fear of pain? Fear of loss? Spend at least the day looking inside yourself and addressing why you fear telling your husband. Think what it will take to overcome this fear. If by the end of the day tomorrow, you dont have a good reason THAT IS NOT FEAR BASED, then dont do it. You have some allies here, even if we disagree, but perhaps it is time to get another ally. Tomorrow, take a good look at your Husband. Spend the day thinking abiut lufe with and without him. Eliminate the fear element in your thoughts.

 

What is the best outcome for you, if you decide to start your life tomorrow, free from fear?

What would you really like that tomorrow to consist of?

I will bet if you tackle this head on, at the end of the day, you will know what to do