clam Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 389 pages of this drivel? Really? You have not made any real progress because you are still obsessing over this loser who has ghosted you. Very likely he is bedding another affair partner. He doesn't need you anymore. Wake up. Open your eyes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Charger... Wow. That's a tall order there sir! Do not fear!?!? You're kidding, right? How in the heck can I not fear THAT? Not everyone is as sure and strong like you, Charger. I fear that moment more than words can say. Hence why I haven't done it yet... Scares the h#%^ out of me. Obviously I should have thought of this 4 years ago...I get it, I get it. Having fear doesn't show a lack of strength. We all fear, but you can't let it immobilize you and allow you to not act. I do think that you should tell your husband about your affair. However, given what you've written about him and your marriage, I doubt the fallout will be as bad as with most affair revelations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What are you doing this morning Shiningbrite? My purpose for the last few post was to get your mind off the AP and Possible contact. I hope your focus has shifted 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 All what you guys said is true. just thinking of confessing everything to H sobered me up in a huge way. •pop• goes the sound of my head coming out of my a##. Oh my word did he have me on a huge hook.its scary that I allowed someone to have this much power over me. Good news...had a nice conversation with H today. Followed up by a hug (Qubist). It wasn't a confession. But a step in the right direction. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and time here! Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 All what you guys said is true. just thinking of confessing everything to H sobered me up in a huge way. •pop• goes the sound of my head coming out of my a##. Oh my word did he have me on a huge hook.its scary that I allowed someone to have this much power over me. Good news...had a nice conversation with H today. Followed up by a hug (Qubist). It wasn't a confession. But a step in the right direction. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and time here! Shinebrightforever, OK, small steps, but I think you should set a deadline for telling your husband. Post it here, we will help in you keeping it. Yes, your comment about giving someone else so much power over you is right. Think about that when you are temped to break NC, or to not tell your husband. I know it is scary, but it will not be as much after you tell him all. It is the unknown that is scary. You know what you want to do to claim your morals and life back, you just need to do it. As always I wish you luck, and keep going forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Good news...had a nice conversation with H today. Followed up by a hug (Qubist). It wasn't a confession. But a step in the right direction. I want to hug you too for doing it :D:D. finally. I think you are on your way out of this mess. did you get any thing from your discussion with H? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 As soon as you tell your husband he's going to go into shock! It's a nightmare. He will be in more pain than most fortunate people can ever imagine. Read "Wayward Spouse Needs to Know" at the top of the page. Are you ready to give that? Are you strong enough yet? It needs to be about him & his pain NOT you. I'm just saying this because if my H had a chance to prepare himself for D-Day, read-up on MY feelings & the cruelty of trickle truth etc it would of saved me months of agony!! There's been enough cruelty. Do this the best possible way you can. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Ok, you didnt confess last night. So now send the letter. Copy and paste worlds edge words Send it today. Dont whine about it. Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 In the mind of most BS's the affair continues until everything is confessed. Sure you may have not been in contact with your MM, but the secrets you keep from your husband keeps your affair going in his mind. Confess because you respect your husband. Respect him enough to give him all the information he needs to make his own choices about his life. My WW confessed to me over email ... not a great way to find out, but I doubt there actually is a good way to find out at all. If a face to face conversation is too daunting for you, then go with email or a letter. Regardless of how you do it, get it done - unless you don't respect your husband and want to continue to play him like a puppet on a string. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 i doubt this is going to be anything than normal reactions. considering her bh situation. there is going to be a twist somewhere. and most likely will hurt both. she should prepare the conversation in a certain way. that each come forward with one step with answer for what has been happening. don't get me wrong with trickle truthing she still has to complete the story within that day. clearly there is two sides to this story. and should not be a one way street. most if not all married men don't do "no sex for years". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Me and H had a regular day, but I did scratch his back for s while..and gave him a kiss on his head. Add that to the hug earlier...it was a more intimate day. He kinda was like "whatever"...but that's okay. Not that I don't want to comment on everyone's posts...I do. It's just really Thought provoking stuff that I'm still digesting.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Ok, you didnt confess last night. So now send the letter. Copy and paste worlds edge words Send it today. Dont whine about it. Hit him with another letter Charger!? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Oh, I didnt know you sent the f you letter after he said he didn't receive the original NC email. . I thought you were still working on it. So that was done? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 You know, Nightmares idea about confessing using a email isnt a bad idea. Draft up the letter. Include all your thoughts. Also include your questions of him and his guy friend. It might be therapeutic. You don't have to send the email. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Shinebright.... I am glad you got through this day, with the challenges that you faced. I think that you are doing fine. Please ignore the posts that suggest that your thread is "too long". Ridiculous. Lots of threads here that are much longer while people decide how to handle infidelity. And, there is nothing wrong with you focusing on your desire to get out of the relationship with AP and being challenged by that for a long time. That is what this forum is supposed to be about. I am not personally going to "push" you to do anything. My opinion is that you should tell your H, as soon as possible. But I still don't know the answers to many things with you. Mainly - why are you afraid to tell him? Is it because you don't want to lose him - that you think he might leave? Is it because you would have to focus on him and the marriage instead of the AP if you told him? Is it because you are afraid that you might learn things about him that you don't want to know? The answers to those would be telling IMO. You are strong. Keep posting here - you have friends. And Shinebright? One more thing. Thank You. Edited August 27, 2015 by Hope Shimmers 4 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I see you are peaking, sister, how is it? Post when you desire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks for the posts! I'm still here..Just wasn't sure on how I want to proceed...my mind is reeling. Just asked H if we could schedule a weekend away. If we begin these conversations, confessions etc. I want to do it away from the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks for the posts! I'm still here..Just wasn't sure on how I want to proceed...my mind is reeling. Just asked H if we could schedule a weekend away. If we begin these conversations, confessions etc. I want to do it away from the kids. good to hear from you again, be careful how you confess to him, you should just take it easy on him, test his waters first to see how he respond to you approaching him first. I don't know if you want to be with him the rest of your life or not but in both cases handle the confession with care it is a fragile matter. BTW if I may ask, do you see yourself with him for the rest of your life? we never discussed this in this thread unless I missed it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks Qubist. That's one of the questions I've been asking myself. I have envisioned myself alone more than I have envisioned myself with my H.... Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Good morning SB. I think it is time for you to embrace your H as your freind. You have known each other a long time and its really time to be open and let both of your thoughts free. If this includes a confession, it does, if it doesnt then it doesnt. Just take that weekend to be honest and talk. If it comes up, make that decision then. Dont overthink anything. Just talk the entire weekend. If you become trusting friends again, you will both work this out, regardless if you stay together or not. Edited August 28, 2015 by 66Charger 4 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Good morning SB. I think it is time for you to embrace your H as your freind. You have known each other a long time and its really time to be open and let both of your thoughts free. If this includes a confession, it does, if it doesnt then it doesnt. Just take that weekend to be honest and talk. If it comes up, make that decision then. Dont overthink anything. Just talk the entire weekend. If you become trusting friends again, you will both work this out, regardless if you stay together or not. Shinebright: this is the best advice you have got since the NC letter. no need to rush this is a real sensitive and fragile matter. lot of people would just recommend a white or black solution with no shade of gray. I think charger's advice is a wise move for your case. confession is not the goal, your goal is peace of mind. have fun this weekend with H and try your best to get close the friend H you once have regardless of whether you want be with him the rest of your life or not 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Shinebright: this is the best advice you have got since the NC letter. no need to rush this is a real sensitive and fragile matter. lot of people would just recommend a white or black solution with no shade of gray. I think charger's advice is a wise move for your case. confession is not the goal, your goal is peace of mind. have fun this weekend with H and try your best to get close the friend H you once have regardless of whether you want be with him the rest of your life or not 66charger did not say for her to not confess this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 66charger did not say for her to not confess this weekend. I know and neither did I. we just suggested that it shouldn't be her priority this weekend to confess. instead we only suggest that she tries to get closer to her H 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks guys. I certainly can commit to that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks for the posts! I'm still here..Just wasn't sure on how I want to proceed...my mind is reeling. Just asked H if we could schedule a weekend away. If we begin these conversations, confessions etc. I want to do it away from the kids. You have been showing your husband affection these past few days, scratched his back, kiss on his forehead, scheduled a weekend away without the kids. Doesn't seem like you're planning to be truthful to him. Why show him affection and give him the impression of a romantic weekend getaway if the purpose is to be honest that you've had a four year affair and still pine for the other man. Wouldn't it more wise to schedule an appointment with your IC and confess in a safe environment for both of you. I doubt your husband would appreciate being stuck in a romantic hotel room for the weekend if you brought him there to only break his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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