Random vents by OW...sorry

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks guys. I certainly can commit to that

 

You will know when the right time is. I am sure that you are wondering if there might be things that will come out from his end too, and I am guessing that scares you as well.

 

As for the AP and "pining" over him, you will get there. In my experience it's not so much "pining" as dealing with a whole bunch of intense anger (at him, but mostly at myself) for being stupid enough to get involved. And anger at him for how he treated you. But dealing with your anger at YOURSELF is what was the hardest thing for me. It's so much more complicated than just "missing" someone. It involves trying to understand why you got involved in the first place, how to fix that, and how it relates to your marriage (I'm not married but I can imagine that would come into play).

 

I do think it can be as simple as just deciding that you are going to move forward in a particular direction, and just doing it. Some have advocated that you should basically sit around and wait until you are "over" the AP; I disagree. It's not that simple. I think that IF you decide to move forward 100% in your marriage, that you will be fully honest with him and you will do what it takes to make him feel safe and desired by you. IF that is what you decide. And in doing that, you will be turning away from AP and the new direction of your actions will allow you to forget the AP and the anger and all the crap, in time. It's not that you are "pining".

 

I am definitely at my "WTF" point, and I know you will get there too.

[Morbius]

I am not one to post much. I have read your thread, and believe you are doing things logically, yet filled with heartfelt emotion, and coupled with desire to move forward. The word I believe is pragmatic.

 

Your marital dynamics are as complex as I have read, the choices difficult, and monumental to be sure. You are weighing a lot of different things to come to a decision that can significantly alter your path, and others too.

 

Staggering.

 

From my perspective, I believe you are ready to make that choice. How, when, and yes still if, is in your control. The potential outcome can be frightening, it can also be stress relieving. It may shine a bright light on things previously unseen, (yes a play on your handle) and allow clarity to fill your world. This inevitable short term pain, can yield a long term gain. Something I wish I did a long time ago. A mistake you need not make. When the time is right, go for it.

 

The road is not level, nor linear, and like the tides there will be ebbs and flows. Always remember you are in control of your destiny. Not your exMM, nor your husband. Only you.

 

Many of the faceless here have your well being in mind. Look for support and those words of encouragement from them. I believe in you SB.

 

Best wishes

[Jkidding]

We are both married with kids. He is in his upper 40s, I'm early 40s. My husband has no idea and truly thinks we are just friends. First A for both MM and myself. I do understand staying connected is tough, but going NC is brutal. I realize I'm scum...no need to point that out. Just had to share my almost 4 years of self imposed chaos with someone.

 

Lesson: It's not a good idea to fall in love with someone else's man. Its very tough to turn the heart around. I never EVER pictured it leading to here. Ever

 

I don't see any chaos here. You did get something from him. He did get something from you. And from beginning you knew it wont last forever. Sure the one who gets leaved first feels very bad. But it had to end, right? So just cherish your moments and move forward.

 

" I never EVER pictured it leading to here. "

 

A little bit of laugh: where you thought this will lead to ?

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and time.

 

It was a good weekend. No full confession, but more open conversation. To best explain it, we both acknowledged pain and were willing to feel it together. Without many details shared on either side, but enough for now. We also shared some fun and laughter together, which felt good again.

 

every emotion I feel these past weeks is intensified. Anger, sadness, confusion, hurt, fear, loneliness. Roller coaster for sure. So thanks everyone for the encouragement and tough words. It's all appreciated and helpful.

[understand50]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and time.

 

It was a good weekend. No full confession, but more open conversation. To best explain it, we both acknowledged pain and were willing to feel it together. Without many details shared on either side, but enough for now. We also shared some fun and laughter together, which felt good again.

 

every emotion I feel these past weeks is intensified. Anger, sadness, confusion, hurt, fear, loneliness. Roller coaster for sure. So thanks everyone for the encouragement and tough words. It's all appreciated and helpful.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

Good for you. I think your situation is complicated, and will take some time to unravel. Keep up the good work, go at your own pace. I think you will find your husband knew all along, maybe I am wrong. In any case, this is a good start. Keep following up.

 

As always I wish you luck.

[66Charger]

Good morning Miss Lady. Looks like you had a good weekend. I kind of thought you two would have a come to jesus moment, but I perhaps instead of talking about actually confessing, could you answer why you have fear of confessing? Change? Stuck no matter what? It is the only peice of the puzzle that doesnt fit. Think about it. Why are you afraid.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!means a lot.

 

Charger...thanks, hope you are well. I will do my best to answer. Good questions. I am afraid on the consequences to my kids. Them being split between 2 homes. Plus, last year we bought a new house together. So, financial strain. I am NOT afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being a failure in others eyes. Having failed at marriage....

[TX-SC]

Wow, not even a mention about fearing for your husband's feelings or well being? It's really more important how you look in other people's view than your husband's? I really am sorry, but that's just sad. It really sounds like you need need to divorce and find someone who you can truly love... like your OM.

 

My parents divorced when I was ten. It was the best thing to ever happen to us. Your kids will survive and you can buy another house later.

[Shinebrightforever]

TX-SC, what you say is true. It is sad. My H does deserve someone to love him like he deserves. Our marriage is in a bad place right now. This weekend was a step in the right direction, but we are still in a deep black hole.

[Hope Shimmers]

It's a process... it isn't going to change overnight. Sometimes two steps back, but then hopefully three steps forward. I'm glad you answered 66Charger's questions because I was curious about that too. The weekend with H was a good start.

 

As for the kids... not sure how old yours are, but mine handled the divorce incredibly well. We share 50-50 custody (only have 1 at home now; the other 2 are in college). But not only did they not suffer, they absolutely flourished beyond my wildest dreams.

[66Charger]

The children and finances are understandable, but that doesnt necessarily need to be doom and gloom. Tough, yes, but as long as you two are amicable, two happy homes may be better in the long run. You also have the option of riding it out, seperate, but coparenting in the same house. I wouldnt do that but it is a option.

 

Your fear of failure in others eyes is moot at this point. More than likely, You both failed to keep your vows, so fear has no bearing here, since whats done is done. Learn from mistakes and what didnt work and remove this fear

 

The failure of your marriage is on the both of you, but more so on him if he really is gay. I understand your culture may look harshly on this issue and divorce, thereby making you both feel "stuck". Tough one there. Regardless, Some things you cannot change.

 

I dont see your difficulty in confessing. I see your difficulty in the life you may lead after a decision is made. Staying in a marriage and keeping his secrets for stability or seperating, acheiving your freedom at a price.

 

You will have to sacrifice one way or the other. This you cannot answer on your own. You need your husbands input. Complex, but probaly with less pain than you think.

 

I think prior to confessing, you need to look your husband in the eye and ask him about his sexuality. I know you fear the answer, but this this is the first fear you must address.

Edited September 2, 2015 by 66Charger

[m.snow]

i work in the hospital i know a lot of surgeons who are gay or used to be gay but are now married to women and have children. they "seem" to be living happy family lives.

 

the word "gay" is wrong, maybe "bisexual" is the better term.

 

you need some help. get some counseling done. both individual and marriage counseling. then decided either to divorce or stay.

 

you just don't know yet. have a good professional take a look at your relationship dynamics.

[66Charger]

Your situation is so complex. I really am not sure if i am giving you the correct advice. Please weigh everyones comments and go with your gut. Always move forward

[Shinebrightforever]

I just appreciate all thoughts. All this is helpful and thought provoking to me. My H and I have lost the ability to be open and honest with one another. There's very little conflict because we walk around in an indifferent state, which is way worse in my mind.

 

Counseling is needed. Have been doing some IC, but by a few sessions in, I felt me C was more interested in being my friend then bring my C. Looking for a new one.

 

I realize D may be what's best in the long run. I just feel so Fd up right now.. This was more than an A to me, the MM in my mind, we were always going to be in one another's life somehow...even if we had to go dormant while dust settled.

 

I've read somewhere that there are 3 reasons for As. 1) trouble staying monogamous, 2) the A helps one stay in marriage 3) the A helps one get out of M. For me it was both 2 and 3. MM helped me stay in by meeting emotional and physical needs, as well as be there to comfort me if all was exposed and my M ended. Having him gone exposes this.

 

I know this is terrible., I know I was only thinking of myself and not my family or kids. I know I need to reinstate NC again with MM. I know. To MM I was fun and he's moved on. I know. My H doesn't deserve this. I know. My heart is just taking time to work thru the sh$&.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Shinebrightforever

[qubist]

I just appreciate all thoughts. All this is helpful and thought provoking to me. My H and I have lost the ability to be open and honest with one another. There's very little conflict because we walk around in an indifferent state, which is way worse in my mind.

 

Counseling is needed. Have been doing some IC, but by a few sessions in, I felt me C was more interested in being my friend then bring my C. Looking for a new one.

 

I realize D may be what's best in the long run. I just feel so Fd up right now.. This was more than an A to me, the MM in my mind, we were always going to be in one another's life somehow...even if we had to go dormant while dust settled.

 

I've read somewhere that there are 3 reasons for As. 1) trouble staying monogamous, 2) the A helps one stay in marriage 3) the A helps one get out of M. For me it was both 2 and 3. MM helped me stay in by meeting emotional and physical needs, as well as be there to comfort me if all was exposed and my M ended. Having him gone exposes this.

 

I know this is terrible., I know I was only thinking of myself and not my family or kids. I know I need to reinstate NC again with MM. I know. To MM I was fun and he's moved on. I know. My H doesn't deserve this. I know. My heart is just taking time to work thru the sh$&.

You need love in your life, like everybody else, that would satisfy all you needs but before that you should be prepared for. you are still in the A I know you've maintained NC but as long as you see MM as someone who can fill the gap you are not ready yet as long as you haven't said WTF Iwas thinking you are not ready yet to recognize love whether it would be your H or somebody else.

I think you are making progress, but slowly. BTW it is normal that you feel that your IC therapist wants to be a friend. as a matter of fact my therapist from 2 years a go is now one of my best friends

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks, Qubist. Interesting that your prior IC is now one of your best friends. Not saying it's bad in general, I just felt she started holding back from saying what I needed to hear. Happy it ended up being great for you though!

 

Sorry to disappoint. Not at wrf. Confession: after my good weekend with H, MM and I saw each other again and I caved by reaching out to him. I soooooooooo wish I could take it back. Regretted it as soon as I did it.

 

So I guess I'm at wtf with my behaviors. In fact I literally said out loud an hour or so after I hit send "wtf is my deal!?!?!?!?!!!"

 

I know MM is someone I need to flee...like avoid like the plague. I'm not strong enough yet.

[Furious]

I just appreciate all thoughts. All this is helpful and thought provoking to me. My H and I have lost the ability to be open and honest with one another. There's very little conflict because we walk around in an indifferent state, which is way worse in my mind.

 

Counseling is needed. Have been doing some IC, but by a few sessions in, I felt me C was more interested in being my friend then bring my C. Looking for a new one.

 

I realize D may be what's best in the long run. I just feel so Fd up right now.. This was more than an A to me, the MM in my mind, we were always going to be in one another's life somehow...even if we had to go dormant while dust settled.

 

I've read somewhere that there are 3 reasons for As. 1) trouble staying monogamous, 2) the A helps one stay in marriage 3) the A helps one get out of M. For me it was both 2 and 3. MM helped me stay in by meeting emotional and physical needs, as well as be there to comfort me if all was exposed and my M ended. Having him gone exposes this.

 

I know this is terrible., I know I was only thinking of myself and not my family or kids. I know I need to reinstate NC again with MM. I know. To MM I was fun and he's moved on. I know. My H doesn't deserve this. I know. My heart is just taking time to work thru the sh$&.

 

 

I saw your post before you edited it, you broke NC again just recently but for some reason edited your post to hide that fact.

 

You've posted that your husband is either gay or bi-sexual and believe he's been cheating on you. Instead of dealing with this you chose to have an affair with a married man. Nothing like adding more dysfunction to an already dysfunctional situation as a temporary solution.

 

The conflict avoidance and poor coping skills are forefront as opposed to directly dealing with reality.

 

Both you and your husband are living a false life. The sad thing is you are both using your kids as an excuse to continue this way. I get the feeling it's the refusal of you and your husband to be honest and courageous than it is about the false reality you've built for your family.

[Shinebrightforever]

Hey Furious. You are right, but posted that confession prior to you calling me out on it (see above). I'm not hiding it.

[Furious]

Hey Furious. You are right, but posted that confession prior to you calling me out on it (see above). I'm not hiding it.

 

I'm sorry that your marriage is a mess and I feel empathy for you about that.

 

The thing is until you get honest and stop using the OM as a crutch you will keep spinning your wheels.

 

Does one wrong choice support making another wrong choice. Does your situation give you the right to insert yourself in another dysfunctional marriage. How will that solve anything?

[understand50]

Hey Furious. You are right, but posted that confession prior to you calling me out on it (see above). I'm not hiding it.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

If there is one place you can be honest with yourself and what is going on, it is here.

 

Do not beat yourself up about breaking NC, it is not like you slept with him again, but just get it going again. Look, the real trick to all this, is not to give up, but to go out and try and keep trying until you are able to get the MM out of your life.

 

I again, I keep saying to take your time and tell your husband when you are ready. I do not think the doom and gloom will be as bad as you think. You are doing well, on the whole. Look back to where you were at a month ago.

Sometimes we need to acknowledge where we have been, and then see how far we have yet to go.

 

 

Good luck

[TX-SC]

Shinebrightforever,

 

If there is one place you can be honest with yourself and what is going on, it is here.

 

Do not beat yourself up about breaking NC, it is not like you slept with him again, but just get it going again. Look, the real trick to all this, is not to give up, but to go out and try and keep trying until you are able to get the MM out of your life.

 

I again, I keep saying to take your time and tell your husband when you are ready. I do not think the doom and gloom will be as bad as you think. You are doing well, on the whole. Look back to where you were at a month ago.

Sometimes we need to acknowledge where we have been, and then see how far we have yet to go.

 

 

Good luck

 

That's a good question... How far is she from a month ago? Still relying on the MM and no admission to the H.

 

Shine, I swear I'm not here to bust your, um, balls. I know this stuff is hard and will result in a lot of conflict for you. In fact, your life will be changed. But, really, is that a BAD thing? You could divorce and find a husband that caters to your needs and live a happy life. You KNOW your MM is never going to be your husband. He's a crutch to see you through. Drop that **** and tell your husband. Then deal with the fallout like an adult.

[ShatteredLady]

Is lack of sex the only reason that you suspect your husband is gay? Is it the only reason you think he's been unfaithful? Many people live in sexless marriages for many different reasons. I'm just wondering why you're reaching these conclusions??

 

Oh my goodness you guys NEED to talk!!

[qubist]

Is lack of sex the only reason that you suspect your husband is gay? Is it the only reason you think he's been unfaithful? Many people live in sexless marriages for many different reasons. I'm just wondering why you're reaching these conclusions??

 

Oh my goodness you guys NEED to talk!!

very true, lot of people here tent to project " what they would do in a situation" in their judgement. read about sexless marriage, nobody here knows what's going on in his mind, the only way to find out is if she confess.

Shinebrightforever: with that being said , and this is my personal opinion that I would urge a close friend to do in this case, you should hold on to any confession till you are complete out of your A, but I would also urge you to try to reestablish normal relationship with H in the meanwhile

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone. I probably haven't made much progress TX-SC because a part of me was holding out hope MM would still want me. I let his breadcrumbs be why I emotionally didn't fully walk ALL the way away. My fault.

 

SL...yes, I have other reasons besides a sexless marriage. And yes, we SO need to start talking.,

 

Qubist, thanks for giving me the same recommendation you would offer a friend.

 

Breaking NC isn't terrible from MM perspective I'm sure. But it sure as hell set me back many weeks. I seriously would pay a large sum of money to take my message back. Oh well, if I'm going to stick my hand in the fire, I suspect it's going to hurt.

[World's.Edge]

*sigh*

 

Okay, look. You can attend individual counselling to your heart's content, maintain/un-maintain No Contact with the married cheater you've been involved with, experience all these thoughts and feelings, and internal conflict and drama, have weekends away and "open" conversations with your husband, but essentially you're just stalling.

 

Nothing will truly change and no forward progress will be made until you're honest with your husband.

 

It doesn't require an insane amount of planning and preparation, you could even do it two minutes from now. You just go o him, and say...