Random vents by OW...sorry

[merrmeade]

Shinebrightforever,

 

merrmeade, has a good post for you, and a lot of what she says will be helpful to you. What 66 charger and I want for you, (along with many others) is to you to reclaim your life, and your self respect. You know that keeping NC is the right thing. Not getting involved with another MM is the right thing, and we do see some progress.

 

As for telling your husband, I for one, believe that you need to do it when you are ready. Keep in mind that truth may not be on your time table, and could come out before you are ready, so have a plan for that as well. Telling your husband will be hard, but you are up for the challenge. Set a date, post it here, we will remind you.

 

If he gives you a 2nd chance, and you want a 2nd chance, we can help you with reconciliation. A good place to start would be to read merrmeade's post. If he or you decide to divorce, we can give some insight as well.

 

You are going to have to take action at some point. It will be sooner then you realize. I think you know this, going NC with your AP was the first step, but the second is being honest to your husband, the third will be reconciliation or divorce. You can control what is coming or be controlled by it. Think about what you want, and keep in mind those you love.

 

As always, I wish you luck, and am pulling for you.

This is so nice, understand50, and, yes, OP, we want to help you. That post was a bit strong and pointed out some of the hard, hard demands of living with the truth as a BS observing a WS and a long-time reader of LS. No way I'll remember all the points I'd carefully noted and addressed on initial reading of the thread without starting over or the line of thought developed in that post and so will go on from here. Besides, the change of direction has been accomplished. That's what's important. So, good, OP. Good. You're squirming, but you're coming around.

 

Main thing for me was your response to the posts that I felt pulled you in an unhealthy direction. Long-term they would not have helped you grow. All that business of you can love lots of people different ways, it's just a human mistake you can simply must pick yourself up from, ignore opinions from provincial people, etc. Agreed that wanting to feel pleasure and happiness is a natural part of the human condition, but is 'falling in love' the only way? Especially when the cost to the family and partner is so great. (Homer went so far as to make Ulysses a victim of the sirens' irresistible call to desire and pleasure.) I think that advice that reinforces the need to feel good and avoid pain at all costs is dangerous. It makes it okay to avoid the hard road of seeing and owning your mistakes, to avoid suffering and continue seeking whatever makes you feel better - which is not necessarily what will make you feel better in the long run.

 

I feel you, OP, are in a good position (at the ripe, young age of thirty-something) to look at, call and control rather than reinforce those tendencies. Some of the help for that will be hard to hear, harder to act on. Very hard. Hell, my WH couldn't take LS for more than a day and got crazy angry, but these reactions and others' on LS have taught me a lot about how difficult it is - by yourself - to actually choose this awful path of owning and living with the reality of the pain and dishonor you've shoved on others. It's much easier to minimize (just a 'fling,' or not a replacement for my marriage, not a serial cheater), compartmentalize (I loved x with a different part of me/without comparing), deny (no one will ever know), blame-shift (there were problems in the marriage/he swept me off my feet/ she was so aggressive), rug-sweep (it's over and gone), and the many, many ways the mind deals with the fact that you've betrayed your partner. In fact, your partner - if and when s/he finds out - doesn't understand any of these mental machinations and will face you with the sheer, awful reality of raw pain and disbelief. It is very interesting to me which WSs end up confessing precisely BECAUSE they cannot live with the fact of their betrayal and which rationalize that telling the truth creates unnecessary drama and upheaval.

 

When I say my WH gets 'crazy angry,' it's precisely because he cannot bear feeling the shame of his choices and actions. It's unbearable and acknowledging my pain throws him into a cycle that stays focused on him and his actions. That's why I tried to explain remorse vs shame a little. It's very hard to move over into remorse and willingly stay there. It's harder for true narcissists like him, almost impossible without huge life changes and deep, long counseling, and this is very sad. But, if you learned empathy as a child, you have a good chance. Allow yourself to focus on your love for your husband, his basic rights as a human being to trust, respect and dignity, that can go a long way to helping you do the right thing and be the person you probably see yourself as.

 

One thing I've learned from this experience is that consequences for actions are simply necessary for everyone to move on. I don't mean artificial consequences either. I mean seeing and feeling the full extent of the injury you've caused. It's not healthy to avoid it for anyone. That's why not telling your spouse is kind of like spiritual suicide for YOU in my opinion.

[Jkidding]

Don't ever confess. Don't ever "come clean". If you want your marriage back then just end affair, destroy all evidences and start loving your husband. There is advice like tell everything to your H. No, it is cruel! And people who do that they do not care about their spouse, they just want to feel good again themselves so they tell everything and kind of put it on spouse's shoulders. Some people are even more cruel. They kinda confess and then they turn it all around saying "i missed something", "you were not available", "not loving", etc etc. Firmly putting their faults on their BS shoulders. My two cents. If you want to end this least harmful way, terminate your affair, turn to your better spouse and forget the whole thing. And do not ever tell anyone. And if you have regrets, consider it a payment for the fun you had, because nothing is for free. Not even clear conscience.

 

After reading your last post I want to add something. If you come clean and confess consider this. Most men will leave. That is once you confess chances are that you will lose your family. And even if you don't he will remember this even after 30 years after. You will have to deal not only with your trauma but with your husband's too. See your confession will not make wrong things right. You will still be a cheater even after your confession. Don't make it harder than it should be! If you love him. Only thing you can do is ... love him. Terminate affair and never look back. But do not confess. It will kill your marriage more likely than not.

 

By saying "Confession will not only free my H to make a sound decision, but it will finally free me to show him my true self too. So he knows who I truly am." I really hope you don't mean you are proud of yourself? Are you?

Edited September 8, 2015 by Jkidding

[Hope Shimmers]

The OP was chased away from her own thread because she was not in a position to deal with the harsh crap that was posted here.

 

If you have not gone through this, you have NO CLUE. You have no clue of the pain and what it takes to get your brain away from ex-MM. It's not just forgetting the ex-MM; it's dealing with the loss of self. I'm not a WS, but being a WS just makes it that much harder because everyone here is harping on her that she should be remorseful RIGHT NOW, and she should be thinking XYandZ right now, and she simply ISN'T.

 

She is trying to get her brain to focus off the ex-MM and be aimed in the direction that it needs to be, and she does not need to be hit over the head with 2x4s and character attacks while she is doing this. It is way more than enough pain what she is going through right now. It is the hardest thing EVER, and I get that people who haven't gone through it, think it should just be a cakewalk. Just put your brain in a different mode and go on! As if it were that simple!

 

She has gone dark and I don't blame her. I hope she comes back. I, for one, am done on this forum. This is my last post.

 

I'm taking my "tissues and pillows" and exiting stage right. Thanks for that 66Charger.

Edited September 8, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[jbrent890]

The OP was chased away from her own thread because she was not in a position to deal with the harsh crap that was posted here.

 

If you have not gone through this, you have NO CLUE. You have no clue of the pain and what it takes to get your brain away from ex-MM. It's not just forgetting the ex-MM; it's dealing with the loss of self. I'm not a WS, but being a WS just makes it that much harder because everyone here is harping on her that she should be remorseful RIGHT NOW, and she should be thinking XYandZ right now, and she simply ISN'T.

 

She is trying to get her brain to focus off the ex-MM and be aimed in the direction that it needs to be, and she does not need to be hit over the head with 2x4s and character attacks while she is doing this. It is way more than enough pain what she is going through right now. It is the hardest thing EVER, and I get that people who haven't gone through it, think it should just be a cakewalk. Just put your brain in a different mode and go on! As if it were that simple!

 

She has gone dark and I don't blame her. I hope she comes back. I, for one, am done on this forum. This is my last post.

 

I'm taking my "tissues and pillows" and exiting stage right. Thanks for that 66Charger.

 

If you don't mind me saying, I have to respectfully disagree with this point. I was reading a thread on another website that tackled this very issue. The former waywards who had trouble getting over their AP's said the exact same thing, the reason they had such a hard time letting go was because they did not want to face the damage they did to their marriage, regardless if the BS knew about the affair or not. The moment they wanted to get over their AP's and tackle the issues in their marriage, they found that they slowly stopped thinking about their APs.

 

Now in the case for the OP, I could see why she has a lot of trouble letting go of the AP. Look at the alternative. There is a huge possibility that her husband may be gay and the fear of facing that reality is keeping the AP in her head. I believe whole heartedly that the moment she is ready to tackle the issues in her marriage, regardless of the outcome, is the moment she will start to disengage from her AP.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you don't mind me saying, I have to respectfully disagree with this point. I was reading a thread on another website that tackled this very issue. The former waywards who had trouble getting over their AP's said the exact same thing, the reason they had such a hard time letting go was because they did not want to face the damage they did to their marriage, regardless if the BS knew about the affair or not. The moment they wanted to get over their AP's and tackle the issues in their marriage, they found that they slowly stopped thinking about their APs.

 

Now in the case for the OP, I could see why she has a lot of trouble letting go of the AP. Look at the alternative. There is a huge possibility that her husband may be gay and the fear of facing that reality is keeping the AP in her head. I believe whole heartedly that the moment she is ready to tackle the issues in her marriage, regardless of the outcome, is the moment she will start to disengage from her AP.

 

Well you know what jbrent, we have a history of respectfully disagreeing on almost everything.

 

I don't disagree with you on this. I am just saying that people are beating her with 2x4's because they think she should be ahead of where she is.

 

She is where she IS.

[jbrent890]

Well you know what jbrent, we have a history of respectfully disagreeing on almost everything.

 

I don't disagree with you on this. I am just saying that people are beating her with 2x4's because they think she should be ahead of where she is.

 

She is where she IS.

 

Trust me, I am not disagreeing with you in that regard. I understand that disengaging from the AP is a delicate process. There is another poster here that confessed when she wasn't fully over her AP and fell back into her affair. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that even though it is a delicate process, I feel that the WS makes it harder than it has to be if that makes sense.

 

In terms of the harshness from everyone else, try to look at this from the betrayed's perspective. To us, the feelings that a wayward has for the AP should have never been there in the first place, so I get why they are saying the things they are. I will admit that there is more constructive ways to do this though. However, in hindsight, I really don't think it matters that much. Its not like her husband is at home singing the blues about the lack of sex and how he has been treated over the last 4 years.

[Hope Shimmers]

Trust me, I am not disagreeing with you in that regard. I understand that disengaging from the AP is a delicate process. There is another poster here that confessed when she wasn't fully over her AP and fell back into her affair. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that even though it is a delicate process, I feel that the WS makes it harder than it has to be if that makes sense.

 

In terms of the harshness from everyone else, try to look at this from the betrayed's perspective. To us, the feelings that a wayward has for the AP should have never been there in the first place, so I get why they are saying the things they are. I will admit that there is more constructive ways to do this though. However, in hindsight, I really don't think it matters that much. Its not like her husband is at home singing the blues about the lack of sex and how he has been treated over the last 4 years.

 

I do look at it from the betrayed's perspective. I've been here for a long time... I look at it from that perspective. I agree with you jbrent, I really do. But I also think people here don't necessarily understand the other side and they just tend to shove it down the OP's throat.... just do it, get over it, etc. It just isn't reality. You are asking me to understand the betrayed's perspective; please try to understand the other perspective. It doesn't just go away instantly. It is a process... OP is working at it. And I am upset that she went dark because of that. It's her THREAD.

[Hope Shimmers]

One last thing...

 

SBF - glad to know you are hanging in there. You know where to find me if you want to talk. Keep moving forward towards those goals, and peace to you

Edited September 8, 2015 by Hope Shimmers