Redheaded Mistress Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Shinebrightforever if you look at Redheaded Mistress case she divorced or was divorced by her husband. She lives a happy life now with a new husband who used to be the AP. But the key point there is that they divorced their respective partners. By divorcing there respective partners they set themselves and their partners free. Redheaded Mistress found happiness in an honest marriage post affair. The Key word "honest". She said they had not cheated on each other for 10 yrs. they have been happy for 10 yrs. with that in mind this shows she does prefer an honest relationship without cheating. Why not wish for this happy honest relationship both to you and your husband? Again, if you wish to discuss me, open a new thread. This thread isn't about me. Also, please do not presume to tell others what you are assuming about my life or beliefs... I'm totally great at speaking for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Also about confessing, If you confess to the affair It would show that you have recovered a level of integrity and trust. But getting being discovered. Respect would be totally lost. It would be more difficult to Reconcile. And may even lead to nasty & difficult D. Again, confessing so that you can recover integrity for yourself is selfish and self-serving. Saying you're confessing to build trust is baloney. Nobody trusts a WS more after they say they had an affair, just the opposite. And spilling the beans may also lead to a prolonged, nasty divorce. And after being discovered, who's to say more or less respect is lost than if they told, that reconciling would be easier or harder, or that divorce is inevitable? For all you know, he could find out in a week and divorce her, find out never and be fine, or he could find out 15 years later, say it was a blip, the affair ended itself, and life was good so there's no need to rock the boat. Remembering it was this side of 50 years ago that the sidepiece wasn't uncommon and neither was the spouse who knew but didn't care as long as he kept coming home, it's not impossible to believe that a spouse won't be rocked to divorce over finding out about an affair that was hot and heavy and then burned out on it's own. Heck, it's what the OP did when she found out about her spouses affair, to an extent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 You are putting the pain/hurt of the action above the rights of the other person (BS). They are two seperate concepts. Absolutely the hurt doesn't actually occur until actual confession...or a found out day. Does the lie/hurt/betrayal exist in a vacuum? Or do they exist due to the actions? To quote yourself "anyone with two IQ points to rub together" understands one does not exist without the other being in place first...so where is the real issue? Does one move forward/grow/learn by continuing to incorporate the very same skill set they used to engage in the negative behaviour? Or is one only entrenching those thought processes/coping skills more firmly in their psyche? Is it okay to force another to accept our moral code/conduct...by using deception? Is it okay to manipulate your primary relationship? Is that healthy? I am a firm believer that "your rights end...where mine begin." Once unprotected sex has happened..one absolutely has the duty to inform the other person (BS) of the risks that they(BS) are assuming. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions when it comes to sexual choice/risk taking. It isn't about causing hurt...it is about recognizing that each human being has the RIGHT to make informed decisions about their own health. Is it "selfish" to tell...or is it the morally/ethically thing to do? I've already explained all of this, I'm not going to keep rehashing it. Ultimately, there is no "right" to know, and even if there was, there's no universal president or accepted that says that everybody does want to know, that they're better off for knowing, that you're a better person for telling, that telling so you can be a better person isn't selfish, or that telling is the smart thing to do. The only person who knows if sharing or not sharing is right is the OP, so this pretense that telling is the way and the light, the only thing to do, and the only way to live an honest and true existence is false... And dangling a carrot that says "you can only be a good person if you tell, so tell so you can be proud of your life, grow, and learn" is just encouraging a detached selfishness and narcissism that says it doesn't matter if you hurt somebody by telling them and if they'd want to know or need to know or would be better off knowing doesn't matter... It's more important that you tell so you can sleep at night. Tell because they asked, tell because they have to know, tell because you need to tell them. Don't tell them because you want to feel like a better person. And don't breed this lie that says that by telling, they're now a better person... Because they're not. Upon sharing the revelation, not a single BS retorts back with "Congrats! You're now a honorable person with decency and integrity and you've got a lot to be proud of here. I see you as more honest, good, and trustworthy than I saw you 5 minutes ago!" That is a myth I've only ever seen perpetuated on this forum, by the people who'll wander back after the WS shares their secret and is now looking at the smoking crater that is their marriage and chime in with a "well, I told you so," "this is what happens," "you got what you deserved," and "then I guess you shouldn't have cheated, this is your fault after all." Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I'm married to my AP, now husband, happily and have been with him for nearly 10 years. Neither of us has cheated on each other, our marriage is perfectly normal. I am most likely the most honest and forthright person you will ever meet. Cheating is wrong and moving forward by either D or R is the right way! Lets agree on that & I rest my case! Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 One gets to decide for their own if they want to assume the risk of "they aren't a carrier for any STI". The WS does not have the right to assume those risks on behalf of their spouse. Has the OP had unprotected sex during this LTA? If she has...are you now willing to say that she must tell? There is more than one reason why one would opt to tell. My point was...once unprotected sex has occurred...the other reasons are moot. That is the line in the sand. That is the point in which one DOES have a moral/ethic DUTY to inform the other party. Anything less would put this in the sexual abuse/physical assault category for many. No, I don't think having unprotected sex is a point blank reason to tell. If you had unprotected sex, but telling will get you shot in the face, clearly, keeping quiet and exiting the marriage was the best course. If you had unprotected sex and then dumped the guy, reinvested in your marriage, and never looked at another man... Then there's no need to tell. If you got pregnant, got somebody pregnant, or contracted an STD... Well, yeah... Clearly, you've got to tell now. No excuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Personally, I never advocated the tell all response. What I have advocated in the past and will continue to advocate is that if the BS has expressed in the past that they would want to know if they were cheated on, then the WS should honor their wish. Just like if the BS said they would not want to know, then the WS should keep their mouth shut. The WS should do what the BS would want. Its that simple. What I have also stated is that I wish a lot of WSs would stop pretending that they ever intended on confessing in the first place. Like I said, the point of cheating is to screw around and not get caught. I would have far more respect for a Wayward if they just said "I cheated and I got away with it. Me confessing would defeat the whole purpose of me cheating." Instead, we get a bunch of waywards saying that they are doing their BS a favor by not telling. Again, they are trying to find nobility in an action they never intended to do in the first place. But in the case of the OP, like posters have wanted, she examined her situation and came to the conclusion that her husband would want to know. So shouldn't advice be directed towards that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Yes, we had unprotected s. Yes we talked about being together forever...but together in a LTA, not D our current spouses. Yes, I am pining for him. We were together for a long time. I can't just flip a switch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Btw, redheaded mistress. I have no objections to you airing your thoughts on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Yes, we had unprotected s. Yes we talked about being together forever...but together in a LTA, not D our current spouses. Yes, I am pining for him. We were together for a long time. I can't just flip a switch. This shows how much of a haze/fog you have been in. How in the world could two 40+ year olds think they could carry on an affair forever? Sounds like a couple teenagers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Fair enough DKT3. But I do know of situations where A have gone on for decades. Yes it's part of the fog. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 If you got pregnant, got somebody pregnant, or contracted an STD... Well, yeah... Clearly, you've got to tell now. No excuse. You seem to live in a world where any act is permissible as long as you get away with it. Lies? Manipulation? Dishonesty? Omission? Commission? All apparently tools of the trade. Ultimately, there is no "right" to know" Sure there is, it's the promise you make to each other when you get married. Have yet to hear "forsake all others or at least, if you don't so, don't tell me about it"... Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I've already explained all of this, I'm not going to keep rehashing it. Ultimately, there is no "right" to know, and even if there was, there's no universal president or accepted that says that everybody does want to know, that they're better off for knowing, that you're a better person for telling, that telling so you can be a better person isn't selfish, or that telling is the smart thing to do. The only person who knows if sharing or not sharing is right is the OP, so this pretense that telling is the way and the light, the only thing to do, and the only way to live an honest and true existence is false... And dangling a carrot that says "you can only be a good person if you tell, so tell so you can be proud of your life, grow, and learn" is just encouraging a detached selfishness and narcissism that says it doesn't matter if you hurt somebody by telling them and if they'd want to know or need to know or would be better off knowing doesn't matter... It's more important that you tell so you can sleep at night. Tell because they asked, tell because they have to know, tell because you need to tell them. Don't tell them because you want to feel like a better person. And don't breed this lie that says that by telling, they're now a better person... Because they're not. Upon sharing the revelation, not a single BS retorts back with "Congrats! You're now a honorable person with decency and integrity and you've got a lot to be proud of here. I see you as more honest, good, and trustworthy than I saw you 5 minutes ago!" That is a myth I've only ever seen perpetuated on this forum, by the people who'll wander back after the WS shares their secret and is now looking at the smoking crater that is their marriage and chime in with a "well, I told you so," "this is what happens," "you got what you deserved," and "then I guess you shouldn't have cheated, this is your fault after all." So, if your own husband had a sexual affair with someone that wasn't you, you wouldn't have a right to know? Seriously? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 shinebrightforever - are you still NC with your AP? did you see him or hear any news about him...? how are you holding up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 shinebrightforever - are you still NC with your AP? did you see him or hear any news about him...? how are you holding up? straightforwardness, Yes, what Minimariah says. In another post I asked if you could put on to paper a plan, on how to reconnect with your husband, and move your marriage forward. Have you put any thought, into that? In the end, you need to try and figure out how you are going to address your past actions and how you are going to have to make it up to your husband. Let us help, if nothing else we can give you some ideas. I think, after the posts the last few days you see the gravity of you actions, but to dwell on them is not going to help you or your family. What comes next? Luck to you as always......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thanks understand50 and minimariah. Yes, still nc. Last contact was recent, but unexpected on both sides. Last he reached out to me on his own accord was end of June. Before that even, we were a few weeks nc. We used to talk practically everyday. Last we had a conversation, which was many weeks ago, we both still wanted the A, but obviously that can change in a blink. i go from being ok, to a complete emotional basket case, to hope that I can walk away, to belief its over without me having to end it, To determination that I will end this and face my H with the truth. Total mess. Argh. My Plan...leave AP alone. Not reach out. My H...still working on that approach. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I married the right person because I had an affair and we left our spouses for each other. We can debate the chicken or the egg on that one, but really the point is moot. No you did not marry the right person because you had an affair. What you did was put the cart in front of the horse. You should of divorced then look for a new husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thanks understand50 and minimariah. Yes, still nc. Last contact was recent, but unexpected on both sides. Last he reached out to me on his own accord was end of June. Before that even, we were a few weeks nc. We used to talk practically everyday. Last we had a conversation, which was many weeks ago, we both still wanted the A, but obviously that can change in a blink. i go from being ok, to a complete emotional basket case, to hope that I can walk away, to belief its over without me having to end it, To determination that I will end this and face my H with the truth. Total mess. Argh. My Plan...leave AP alone. Not reach out. My H...still working on that approach. If you do plan on telling your husband, have a NC letter ready to send. NC letter should be short and address the NC. Nothing more. Have your husband read it first, then send it together. Your AP plan in place..does not address if he reaches out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Good point AlwaysGrowing. If my AP reaches out, I will not respond in return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Good point AlwaysGrowing. If my AP reaches out, I will not respond in return. Shinebrightforever, Good first step........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thanks, it's going to be extremely hard If he does. Right now, it's his choice to be nc. I haven't been the one to do it myself before. Maybe I won't get the chance. Maybe I will. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Without pasding judgement per se...or at least not meaning to...the kids...an affair is one thing...but to allow an ap to interract and be attentive to another mans children IS too much. Very wrong. Your husband can't be that naive..your own dday has got to be around the corner. No husband can allow that much time away with you and his kids and a "friend" without developing some questions. Your spicing up your life with another man is already betrayal..the kind Ive engaged in myself with another man...but your kids?? You gotta start doing some real thinking...you may forgive an affair of your husbands...but could you forgive another woman interracting with your children behind your back. Again...not preaching but....geeezzz. Just...no with the kids...thats sacred whether you live this guy or not...keep your kids out of it, yikes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Privategal...thanks. It really didn't require much effort and wasn't as heinous as it sounds...never went anywhere just he, I and the kids or anything like that. It's still horrible to do, but it didn't go that far. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Good point AlwaysGrowing. If my AP reaches out, I will not respond in return. Take it a step further. Block him on cell, email and any other social media. Make it impossible for him to reach out to you. NC is NC, even if you don't reply, reading what he writes you will not help you get over him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Whichwayisup.... True. But, unfortunately, I am unable to fully block him. We are coworkers...in a way. Not in the same building or anything, but work on projects together now and then... Yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You seem to live in a world where any act is permissible as long as you get away with it. Lies? Manipulation? Dishonesty? Omission? Commission? All apparently tools of the trade. No, I live in a very honest and open world. I also live in a world that there is no universal "correct way" or standard answer to resolve a problem. Sure there is, it's the promise you make to each other when you get married. Have yet to hear "forsake all others or at least, if you don't so, don't tell me about it"... The promise every couple makes upon getting married is unique and what the practices of the marriage are are also unique to the couple, as are the needs of a couple in a situation. There are plenty of people who don't want to know. There are plenty of people who don't need to know. There are also plenty of instances where it's just plain stupid to tell. That's why I say, again, for the hundredth time, to tell or to not tell is unique to the situation, the people in it, and what your ultimately doing as a result of the situation. You've never met the person who said if you cheat, I don't want to hear about it? Please. They're all over these forums. Link to post Share on other sites
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